Dwight K. Schrute: I'm going to live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Mannheim is 103, and still puttering around down in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation.

Michael Scott: Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me, the choice is easy.

Michael Scott: What is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles?
Jan: What?
Michael Scott: I don't wanna grow weird sperm in case we ever wanna have kids.

Michael Scott: Ryan wants everything in our company to be about emails and I.M.s. But I think he is forgetting about the original instant message. Letters attached to baskets of food.

Michael Scott: Well, there has been a lot of talk about new ideas today. Well, new ideas are fine. But they are also illegal. Because they are a form of ageism. What? Yes, I am right. Did you know that the Age Discrimination and Employment Act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees forty years of age or older. I did.
Toby: Mm. Technically, he's right.
Michael Scott: Hey, shut up, Toby. Why do we as a society hate old people so much?
Creed: Because they're lame.
Michael Scott: No! Creed, no, they are not. In fact, many cultures revere old people because of their storytelling ability. Like the old lady from Titanic. Or the funny things that they can do, like, "Where's the beef?" Yeah.
Jim: Why do you have the Big picture up again? You used that already, when you burned your foot.
Pam: Reusing the Ben Kingsley too.
Michael Scott: I was going to put up some new pictures, but, all of the ink in the printer was gone.

Creed: We're screwed.
Michael Scott: Who is?
Creed: Us, you and me. The old timers.
Michael Scott: I am not old. You are old. You are, like, a 100.
Creed: You're over 40. That's the cut off. Are you listening to what he's saying? Re-training. New system, youth. I'm telling you, this kid is the grim reaper. You deal with this, or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car, we're goners.

Michael Scott: Hey, can you make that straighter? That's what she said.
Phyllis: Did you plan that?
Michael Scott: No.
Pam: "Can you make that straighter?" "That job looks hard." "You should put your mouth on that." How can you even use that one naturally?
Michael Scott: Blowing up balloons, I thought.

Creed: Hey, brah. Been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull. Am I right? Later, skater.

Phyllis: How is giving people gift baskets going to get our clients back?
Michael Scott: Gift baskets are amazing, Phyllis. Gift baskets are ... the essence of class and fanciness. They are the ultimate present that a person can receive.
Andy: What about cash? Cash can buy whatever you want, including a gift basket, so it's kind of the best gift ever.
Jim: What about a gift basket full of cash?
Andy: Yes! Cash basket! Nice work, Tuna.

Michael Scott: May I have your attention, please? This office will not be using any new technology ever, starting now.
Ryan: That is not correct.
Michael Scott: Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well, guess what? I just drove my car into a lake.
Oscar: You did what?
Michael Scott: I drove my car into a [beep] lake. Why, you may ask, did I do this? Well because of a machine. A machine told me to drive into a lake. And I did it. I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology. And look where it got me.
Jim: Into a lake.
Michael Scott: Exactly.