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‘Dunder Mifflin Infinity’ Quotes

The Office: Dunder Mifflin Infinity

403. Dunder Mifflin Infinity

Aired October 4, 2007

When Ryan arrives from Corporate with plans to take Dunder Mifflin into the twenty-first century, Michael tries to defend the traditional way of doing business. Meanwhile, Angela can't forgive Dwight for her cat Sprinkles' death.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm going to live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Mannheim is 103, and still puttering around down in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah foundation.

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Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me, the choice is easy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles?
Jan: What?
Michael Scott: I don't wanna grow weird sperm in case we ever wanna have kids.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, there has been a lot of talk about new ideas today. Well, new ideas are fine. But they are also illegal. Because they are a form of ageism. What? Yes, I am right. Did you know that the Age Discrimination and Employment Act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees forty years of age or older. I did.
Toby: Mm. Technically, he's right.
Michael Scott: Hey, shut up, Toby. Why do we as a society hate old people so much?
Creed: Because they're lame.
Michael Scott: No! Creed, no, they are not. In fact, many cultures revere old people because of their storytelling ability. Like the old lady from Titanic. Or the funny things that they can do, like, "Where's the beef?" Yeah.
Jim: Why the big picture's up again? You used that alreadywhen you burned your foot.
Pam: Reusing the Ben Kingsley too.
Michael Scott: I was going to put up some new pictures, but, all of the ink in the printer was gone.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Ryan wants everything in our company to be about emails and I.M.s. But I think he is forgetting about the original instant message. Letters attached to baskets of food.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, can you make that straighter? That's what she said.
Phyllis: Did you plan that?
Michael Scott: No.
Pam: "Can you make that straighter?" "That job looks hard." "You should put your mouth on that." How can you even use that one naturally?
Michael Scott: Blowing up balloons, I thought.

Quote from Creed

Creed: We're screwed.
Michael Scott: Who is?
Creed: Us, you and me. The old timers.
Michael Scott: I am not old. You are old. You are, like, a 100.
Creed: You're over 40. That's the cut off. Are you listening to what he's saying? Re-training. New system, youth. I'm telling you, this kid is the grim reaper. You deal with this, or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car, we're goners.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, Toby? What's this? "I just wanna remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA, or public displays of affection."
Toby: Yes, some people in the office have complained about other people engaging in it.
Michael Scott: Oh, really?
Toby: And you know, just wanted to remind them it's not appropriate to do that.
Michael Scott: Is this about me and Jan in my office? Because I'll have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I don't think anyone heard anything. We're very discreet. And most people had left by that point. So I don't think it's any of your business. What I think you should do, is roll up the memo real tight-
Toby: Okay, look, the memo was not out you.

Quote from Toby

Toby: All right, everyone, look. All right, the complaint was about Jim and Pam.
Michael Scott: No way.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Phyllis: You guys are together?
Jim: Um... Yep. Yes, we are.
Michael Scott: Whoa. Wow!
Andy: Tuna!
Michael Scott: Awesome!
Kevin: I knew it!
Michael Scott: To the two of you.
Pam: Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us?
Toby: Yes.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay. Mind is exploding. Get over here. Come on. Come here. Okay, stand up. Here we go. Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy. Because today is the day that Jim and Pam become one.
Jim: Actually, we're dating for 2 months.
Michael Scott: I love you guys so much. [Michael hugs Jim]
Pam: Phone's ringing.
Michael Scott: No, no. Pam, let'em ring. Let the bells of Dunder-Mifflin chime out your love. Because this is really good. This is really good. My heart soars with the eagle's nest.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: What do you want?
Dwight K. Schrute: To give you this.
Angela: What is that?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a ferel barn cat. I trapped him and I'm giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed.
Angela: Her name was Sprinkles.
Dwight K. Schrute: And his name is Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage 'cause he likes to eat garbage. Don't you, Garbage?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me. But there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on which said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me, and we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you." His words.

Quote from Andy

Andy: You should call it Dunder-Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Sorry, I didn't know you guys were in here.
Jim: No, we're just sitting here.
Phyllis: I couldn't see your hands. Oh, hey Pam, by the way, it's great that you're dating. But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a sales person. You can't base who gets new clients on who you're sleeping with that week. Okay?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's what I thought he was. Um, and then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like: a fake brother who steals your jeans.

Quote from Jan

Jan: So what's Ryan doing here?
Michael Scott: I don't know. They're launching a big new business plan, a new website. He's being a real twerp about it though. It's all about youth, and agility, and streamlining. Trying to squeeze out the older people.
Jan: He's such a snake. Hope he gets them an ageism suit.
Michael Scott: What is that word?
Jan: Ageism? Like a couple years ago we tried to force out some of the older branch managers with a mandatory retirement age and then Ed Truck, your old boss, threatened us with a lawsuit, so we had to back off.
Michael Scott: So older people have just as many rights as younger people?
Jan: Yes, Michael, they do.

Quote from Creed

[Creed has jet-black hair]
Oscar: Creed?
Creed: Yes, sir?
Oscar: Everything okay?
Creed: Everything's cool, dude.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: I'm 30. Well, in November, I'll be 30.

Quote from Michael Scott

Robert Dunder: Michael Scott?
Michael Scott: That is me! Come on in. Whis this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street, out of a box or something? Who's this worthless bag of bones? Well, this guy is none other than one of the founders of Dunder-Mifflin, Mr. Robert Dunder. [applause]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, yeah!

Quote from Angela

Dwight K. Schrute: Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles?
Angela: Very much. How is your meat?
Dwight K. Schrute: Dry, delicious.
Angela: I heard a joke today.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, that's funny.
Angela: Yes, it was.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you enjoying your mineral water?
Angela: I can't do this. I can't be with you. Every time I look in your eyes, I see Sprinkles' stiff, lifeless body.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then don't look in my eyes. Look right here. It's an old sales trick.
Angela: I'm sorry. I gave this everything I could.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, please don't do this, monkey.
Angela: I will leave your toothbrush on top of your tire tomorrow morning.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, boss. I didn't know you were coming in today.
Ryan: What's, uh, going on here?
Michael Scott: I am glad that you asked. Listen up, everybody! In the last year, we have lost seven clients to the big chains. These gift baskets are our ticket back into their lives. We are going to show up at these businesses unannounced, and we are going to win them back.
Ryan: With gift baskets.
Michael Scott: With peanut brittle. With macadamia nut cookies. With chocolate turtles. With raspberry jam. And a little bit of fat and salt. Because you know what? That's what people like.

Quote from Andy

Phyllis: How is giving people gift baskets going to get our clients back?
Michael Scott: Gift baskets are amazing, Phyllis. Gift baskets are ... the essence of class and fanciness. They are the ultimate present that a person can receive.
Andy: What about cash? Cash can buy whatever you want, including a gift basket, so it's kind of the best gift ever.
Jim: What about a gift basket full of cash?
Andy: Yes! Cash basket! Nice work, Tuna.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Hey, brah. Been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull. Am I right? Later, skater.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Sweet ride. American made. What happened to the Sebring?
Michael Scott: It is in the body shop. I had to have the dent taken out of the hood where I hit Meredith.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, that's a pain in the ass.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: So who's next?
Dwight K. Schrute: Larry Meyers. Left us six months ago for Office Depot.
Satnav: Proceed to the highlighted route then route guidance will begin.
Dwight K. Schrute: Why do you use that thing? It lets them know where you are at all times.
Michael Scott: Who?
Dwight K. Schrute: The government, spy satellites, private detectives. Ex-girlfriends. [sobbing]

Quote from Pam

Pam: Yeah, I'm gonna do some mock-ups and then turn those into thumbnails. Maybe do some, uh, splash frames. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm excited.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: I don't get it. I really don't get it. I thought this would work. I threw everything I had at that guy, nothing.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's how it goes sometimes, you know? You lose everything, and everything falls apart. And eventually you die and no one remembers you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Satnav: Make a right turn.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, wait, wait! No, no, no! It means bear right, up there.
Michael Scott: No, it said right, it said take a right.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no, look, it means go up to the right, bear right, over the bridge and hook up with 307. Michael Scott: Maybe it's a shortcut, Dwight. It said go to the right.
Dwight K. Schrute: It can't mean that! There's a lake there!
Michael Scott: The machine knows where it is going!
Dwight K. Schrute: This is the lake!
Michael Scott: The machine knows! Stop yelling at me!
Dwight K. Schrute: No, it's- There's no road here!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: You sure you're okay?
Dwight K. Schrute: Fine.
Michael Scott: Good. That is what's most important.
Dwight K. Schrute: Did you get the rental insurance? 'Cause that is pretty important too at a time like this.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What a disaster. This whole thing.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll call a cab.
Michael Scott: These people just don't realize what a gift basket means. They don't get it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Look at that, still works. Old fashioned cell phone.
Michael Scott: Yeah. What about that last guy, Aaron? Is he a jerk- I don't even know if I want it. Their website, so easy. Yeah, well, you can have your technology, jackass. Look where it got us.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: May I have your attention, please? This office will not be using any new technology ever, starting now.
Ryan: That is not correct.
Michael Scott: Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well, guess what? I just drove my car into a lake.
Oscar: You did what?
Michael Scott: I drove my car into a [beep] lake. Why, you may ask, did do this? Well because of a machine.
A machine told me to drive into a lake. And I did it. I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology. And look where it got me.
Jim: Into a lake.
Michael Scott: Exactly.


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