Pam: I got Erin a new computer, because the one at reception sucked. I should know. And I don't wanna say the other one was old, but its I.P. number was one! [laughs cautiously] Right?

Holly: I'm sorry about your friend.
Michael Scott: Nah, he's an ass.
Holly: [Brahmin accent] You are.
Michael Scott: [Brahmin accent] You are.
Holly: What are you wicked smart?
Michael Scott: No you are.
Holly: Who are?
Michael Scott: [kisses her, speaks normally] You are.

Jim: Alright, okay. Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets, we give him a number to call for the tickets, and it's his own number.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim: He... It's a crime fighting beaver.

Holly: Okay, look. We can't fire someone because we don't like him.
Ryan: Right, this isn't the U.S. Government.
Kelly: What are you referencing?
Ryan: Uh, everything... Everything.

Dwight K. Schrute: Why don't you write up your best forty ideas and e-mail them to me. Can you do that?
Jim: Absolutely, I'll e-mail you a hundred.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, write up your list of one hundred, edit it down to your top forty, then e-mail it to me, and I'll read it over.

Jim: I really think we should join forces on this one.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really.
Jim: What do we think, what would drive him crazy?
Dwight K. Schrute: I know.
Jim: Here we go.
Dwight K. Schrute: Pepto-Bismol, in his hot chocolate.
Jim: You've got to stop with the hot chocolate stuff. I was thinking we can jam his drawers, so they only comes out two inches, and that way you can see everything in them but you can't get to them.
Dwight K. Schrute: Does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister! That wouldn't annoy a person at all! Where do you come up with this stuff?

Dwight K. Schrute: I have the best stock survival shelter in north eastern Pennsylvania. But everything has a shelf-life. So I must eat and replace everything that's about to expire. It's nice not to have to plan my meals.
[back:]
Kevin: You're eating eight-year-old tomatoes?
Dwight K. Schrute: They're still good for another week.

Dwight K. Schrute: Hardy, har, har. Okay picture this: Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A ravenous pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. There's only one hope left for you. The door to my shelter. You pound. You beg. Dwight! Please let me in! But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You wanna know why?
Jim: Because of the sign, that says no pounding no begging.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. Because you laughed at me. Kevin will be eaten! Pam will be taken slave! Jim will be made a warlord's jester. Meredith will do okay. Be assured this day will come. It's just a matter of time. Could be one month, could be two months.
Jim: Three months.
Dwight K. Schrute: Could be.
Jim: Four months.
Dwight K. Schrute: I can see that happening, yes.
Jim: Eight months?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a realistic time line.
Jim: Eleven months.
Dwight K. Schrute: Perhaps.
Jim: Okay, now really think hard about this one: One year.
Dwight K. Schrute: I can see that as a very real possibility.
[later, after everyone else has left:]
Jim: Four hundred and ninety-four months?
Dwight K. Schrute: I can see that happening.
Jim: Four hundred and ninety-five months. That's just...

Dwight K. Schrute: Holly, you approved this?
Holly: Yes, I did. I think Todd's gonna make a great addition to the staff.
Jim: You did approve it?
Holly: Yeah.
Kevin: What don't you understand about the word approved? It seems a couple of you don't know what the word approved means.
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: I have very little patience for stupidity.

Michael Scott: Special delivery for Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight K. Schrute: I didn't order anything.
Michael Scott: And I don't have anything for you. But I do wanna talk to you about something. We have been thinking about where Packer should sit... And we can't just sit around waiting for Creed to die.