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46Quotes from ‘Todd Packer’

The Office: Todd Packer

718. Todd Packer

Aired February 24, 2011

When Todd Packer gives up a life on the road for a desk job in Scranton, Michael is the only one happy about the situation. Meanwhile, Andy begs Pam for a new computer after she treats Erin to a new machine, and Dwight and Jim work together to prank Packer.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I got Erin a new computer, because the one at reception sucked. I should know. And I don't wanna say the other one was old, but its I.P. number was one! [laughs cautiously] Right?

Quote from Holly

Holly: I'm sorry about your friend.
Michael Scott: Nah, he's an ass.
Holly: [Brahmin accent] You are.
Michael Scott: [Brahmin accent] You are.
Holly: What are you wicked smart?
Michael Scott: No you are.
Holly: Who are?
Michael Scott: [kisses her, speaks normally] You are.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Alright, okay. Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets, we give him a number to call for the tickets, and it's his own number.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim: He... It's a crime fighting beaver.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Why don't you write up your best forty ideas and e-mail them to me. Can you do that?
Jim: Absolutely, I'll e-mail you a hundred.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, write up your list of one hundred, edit it down to your top forty, then e-mail it to me, and I'll read it over.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: I really think we should join forces on this one.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really.
Jim: What do we think, what would drive him crazy?
Dwight K. Schrute: I know.
Jim: Here we go.
Dwight K. Schrute: Pepto-Bismol, in his hot chocolate.
Jim: You've got to stop with the hot chocolate stuff. I was thinking we can jam his drawers, so they only comes out two inches, and that way you can see everything in them but you can't get to them.
Dwight K. Schrute: Does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister! That wouldn't annoy a person at all! Where do you come up with this stuff?

Quote from Ryan

Holly: Okay, look. We can't fire someone because we don't like him.
Ryan: Right, this isn't the U.S. Government.
Kelly: What are you referencing?
Ryan: Uh, everything... Everything.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: There are over four hundred of these!
Jim: Yeah, I couldn't cut it down.
Dwight K. Schrute: They're all good. So good! Number three: eat a frog. That sounds promising. Number four: eat a dog. I don't know, um, from practical stand point-
Jim: One thirty-five. Did you like one thirty-five?
Dwight K. Schrute: Eat a brog. Maybe it's because I didn't understand it. I just had a couple of notes, let me grab a pen. [Dwight tries to open a drawer on his desk, but it only pulls out two inches] Damn it. Gah! Just when we were getting going.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Allow all cookies? Why certainly! Pop-ups? Yes, please! Bittorrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah! Why not? Oh, I hope you don't get sick, Mr. Computer. [robotic voice] Why are you doing this to me Andy? 'cause I hate your programs!

Quote from Jim

Todd: [on the phone] Well thanks, will do.
Jim: [in a Southern accent] Absolutely, now when you get down there, Jo's a little bit, uh, forgetful. So she may have locked the gate, but what you're gonna do is go ahead, hop it, and just head back to the pool.
Todd: That sounds weird.
Jim: It is weird! Look at you, perceptive. Now I know why Jo's kept her eye on you!
Dwight K. Schrute: [in a Southern accent] And you make sure to get down there and check out that Harry Potter World.
Jim: Whatever you wanna do in your spare time is up to you!
Dwight K. Schrute: Harry Potter World is supposed to be fantastic!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [on phone, in Southern accent] Check it out and have a free butterbeer on us. Keep the receipt and we'll get ya' back!
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Jim: [wrapping up the phone call] All right, so just pack your bags and, uh, be sure to bring those swimming trunks! Bye now! [hangs up]
Michael Scott: I cannot believe this, you're sending Packer to Florida? Why?
Jim: He's a jerk.
Dwight K. Schrute: He took my desk.
Michael Scott: Okay, so you're tricking him into flying to Florida?
Dwight K. Schrute: This wasn't my first choice, Jim had so many better ideas.
Michael Scott: You have to tell him. You have to tell him what you did.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no. That is not in the plan. That is actually anti-what we're doing.

Quote from Pam

Darryl: Saw Andy's new computer you found in the warehouse.
Pam: Yep. Lucked out.
Darryl: Yeah, you really did. 'cause I know every inch of that warehouse.
Pam: Yep, super lucky.
Darryl: Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days.
Pam: ... Yeah. You know what, I think I saw one sick day.
Darryl: I think maybe I saw five.
Pam: Three. [Darryl nods]
[aside to camera:]
Pam: I'm full on corrupt!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I have the best stock survival shelter in north eastern Pennsylvania. But everything has a shelf-life. So I must eat and replace everything that's about to expire. It's nice not to have to plan my meals.
[back:]
Kevin: You're eating eight-year-old tomatoes?
Dwight K. Schrute: They're still good for another week.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hardy, har, har. Okay picture this: Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A ravenous pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. There's only one hope left for you. The door to my shelter. You pound. You beg. Dwight! Please let me in! But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You wanna know why?
Jim: Because of the sign, that says no pounding no begging.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. Because you laughed at me. Kevin will be eaten! Pam will be taken slave! Jim will be made a warlord's jester. Meredith will do okay. Be assured this day will come. It's just a matter of time. Could be one month, could be two months.
Jim: Three months.
Dwight K. Schrute: Could be.
Jim: Four months.
Dwight K. Schrute: I can see that happening, yes.
Jim: Eight months?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a realistic time line.
Jim: Eleven months.
Dwight K. Schrute: Perhaps.
Jim: Okay, now really think hard about this one: One year.
Dwight K. Schrute: I can see that as a very real possibility.
[later, after everyone else has left:]
Jim: Four hundred and ninety-four months?
Dwight K. Schrute: I can see that happening.
Jim: Four hundred and ninety-five months. That's just...

Quote from Kevin

Dwight K. Schrute: Holly, you approved this?
Holly: Yes, I did. I think Todd's gonna make a great addition to the staff.
Jim: You did approve it?
Holly: Yeah.
Kevin: What don't you understand about the word approved? It seems a couple of you don't know what the word approved means.
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: I have very little patience for stupidity.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Special delivery for Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight K. Schrute: I didn't order anything.
Michael Scott: And I don't have anything for you. But I do wanna talk to you about something. We have been thinking about where Packer should sit... And we can't just sit around waiting for Creed to die.

Quote from Stanley

Pam: We just don't have the budget for it, okay? Reception needed a computer so we got one.
Andy: Well, Andy's desk needs a computer. And, I mean, it's just kinda a coincidence that I work there, but...
Pam: Yes, but reception is a one person department. If I get you a new computer, I have to get one for everyone in sales. For Dwight, for Stanley, it would be crazy.
Stanley: So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now?

Quote from Andy

Andy: I'm not asking for one, I need it.
Phyllis: If you're just handing them out, I want one too.
Andy: Phyllis, no body is handing anything out.
Pam: See, this is what I'm talking about.
Andy: What are you gonna play Majong faster?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: So, this hot chocolate thing.
Dwight K. Schrute: None of your business.
Jim: Well, you know you can't actually poison him, right?
Dwight K. Schrute: It wasn't poison, Jim, it was a laxative. People take laxatives all the time. This is just, a lot more of a laxative. Let me handle it.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Pam, can I talk to you in private?
Pam: I don't know if there's really a private place in this office.
Andy: Well, they put a sign-up sheet on the conference room and I signed us up for three mods. A mod is five minutes. And it started two minutes ago.
Pam: [looking confused] You did that?
Andy: Can we talk about this in the meeting? Because we're a little late.

Quote from Andy

Andy: What you did out there, earlier, was totally un-cool.
Pam: Well, what was I supposed to do, huh, let you walk all over me?
Andy: You humiliated me in front of everybody!
Pam: Okay, well I didn't think about it like that. It's just, I can't do anything about it. I can't replace your computer unless that one breaks.
Andy: I mean, it's pretty broken already.
Pam: Yeah, well if it breaks all the way I can get you a new one.
Andy: Pretty sneaky, sis.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Hey cats, we got a jazz session in mod six, nine, and twelve.

Quote from Todd

Todd: [to Hank] And a '76 that's good to boot, I like that.
Michael Scott: And you made Hank smile, that doesn't happen often. You're very charming. That is something you should take upstairs, and use on people that really matter.
Todd: Why?
Michael Scott: I don't know. Holly mentioned that there were some complaints. And that you had said some things about Kevin.
Todd: Holly said that?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Holy: She was laughing hysterically that whole time!
Michael Scott: I guess you said something weird about your daughter?
Todd: She asked me, Michael. It would've been rude not to answer.
Michael Scott: You've been on the road a long time. And you've been an outdoor cat. And now you have to be an indoor cat, so you can't be peeing all over the walls.
Todd: Michael, can I open the kimono with you. I've been on the road too long. But, I wanna connect with my daughter. And it's not right to call her a bitch in front of strangers.
Michael Scott: No, it isn't.
Todd: You're right. I gotta watch my behavior.
Michael Scott: Yeah, a little bit.
Todd: Don't give up on me.
Michael Scott: I won't.

Quote from Kelly

Michael Scott: Kevin, do you accept the apology?
Kelly: Don't do it, Kevin, that's the fake kind of apology.
Michael Scott: Okay, go back to the annex.
Kelly: This is textbook. It's so uncool. Ryan does this to me all the time. Like it's some offense to have feelings. Don't do it, Kevin.
Ryan: [muttering] Sometimes you over react.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: Michael, how's this supposed to work? Packer's gonna keep saying terrible things, and then he's just gonna make half-assed apologies. And we're back to square one.
Todd: Okay. You want an apology? Here it goes. Kevin, I am so sorry. You are skinny and you are a genius.
Michael Scott: Okay, that- That was maybe too much. Packer is a survivor of divorce, Stanley. Packer doesn't speak with his child, Meredith. Packer never lived up to his parent's expectations, Andy. Angela loves pussy cats, and Packer loves-
Angela: No! Don't!
Michael Scott: I was going to say dogs! Okay, you know what, this is over. Apology has been issued. And we're through with it. Packer will be here until the day he dies, just like the rest of us.

Quote from Andy

Pam: So, listen, we have to really scuff this up.
Andy: No, no, no, no, no! We can say that the previous owner was a neat-freak. Or an elegant old lady and she just kept it around in case her grand-kids came to visit, but they died and they never came, I- I think I'm gonna make myself cry.
Pam: Andy, this is the deal we made.
Andy: That's probably good. That's enough.
Pam: We should break this hinge maybe.
Andy: Let's not go crazy.

Quote from Todd

Todd: Apparently, as soon as corporate found out I wanted to come in off the road, Jo offered me a cushy new job in Tallahassee. And here's the best part, I'm a huge alligator nerd. I can name you every genus, every sub species. Also I'm a huge boob nerd.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Pam, how is this thing even any better than my old computer?
Pam: Come on, Andy. I mean you said you wanted a new computer and this is the best I could do!
Andy: Where'd you even find this thing, like, in the corner in the warehouse?
Pam: Yes, I found it on a shelf in the corner of the warehouse.
Andy: Alright. Well, thank you for my garbage computer.

Quote from Michael Scott

Todd: You're looking at the new face of corporate. Gonna put the "ass", in Tallahassee!
Michael Scott: Yes, about that.
Todd: Well we gotta go out and celebrate, tonight!
Michael Scott: Well, I don't know if that's a good idea.
Todd: Do you have a ball and chain?
Michael Scott: No, nothing like that at all.
Todd: Listen, I'm gonna tell you something that none of these people have the stones to tell you. It's your girlfriend. She's uptight.
Michael Scott: Sorry?
Todd: I know this stuff can hurt, but I wish someone had said something to me about my ex-wife. All I'm saying is about a month or so, have you down to Florida, I'll introduce you to all the local [spanks the air] talent.
Michael Scott: ... Sounds great.
Todd: It's gonna be so good.
Michael Scott: That is. It's gonna be awesome. I think you're really going to enjoy it down there.

Quote from Todd

Todd: I really thought I was becoming too much of a womanizer. I realized I had shirts in five different women's houses.
Michael Scott: Still not seeing the problem here.
Todd: All right, truth is I gotta couple love bumps on my ding-dong so, it's like, oh, game-over!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It was the best of times, it was the awesomest of times. And now Packer wants to come home. And oh, look who's here to sign off on it! My boo, Holly.

Quote from Todd

Michael Scott: Hi.
Holly: You must be Todd.
Todd: Whoa, I'm sorry, Michael. I thought we were meeting Holly today, not Jennifer Aniston!

Quote from Holly

Holly: Okay, let's get started.
Todd: After you!
Michael Scott: Oh, Michael! This'll be just us.
Michael Scott: Oh, yes yes yes yes. Just so you know, he's at his funniest when you've given him five shots.
Holly: All right.
Michael Scott: And it also helps if you've had five shots.
Holly: I already have.
Michael Scott: Whoa!

Quote from Todd

Michael Scott: Yes! The Pack is back! Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a man who needs no introduction, probably because most of you have done it with him. Just kidding he wouldn't be interested in any of you. In all seriousness, Todd Packer, is a permanent salesman at this branch. And I would like to invite you to welcome him with open arms.
Kevin: Yes!
Jim: What!?
Todd: It's great to be among friends, and until then, you suckers will do!
Kevin: Nice. We got burned.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You got burned, because Packer's back! Packer is turning in his car for a desk. He is turning in his condoms, for a condominium! Although he's probably going to have to use condoms from here on out.

Quote from Pam

Jim: Can I do something for ya?
Pam: I just helped someone out. It feels good.
Jim: Nice. You know, I cleaned our daughter for like, an hour at four a.m. this morning, so...
Pam: So you know the feeling.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, who's dirt box is this?
Holly: Oh, that's our Zen garden.
Dwight K. Schrute: What do you grow in here, bull crap?

Quote from Pam

Holly: Hey, what's up guys?
Meredith: Don't what's up us! You think you're so cute, with your pretty blonde hair!
Jim: Whoa, pull it back. Umm, why did you hire Todd Packer?
Pam: He's seriously awful!
Holly: Michael's recommendation was glowing. And, honestly, he's been nothing but nice to me.
Meredith: That's how he gets you to take off your panties.
Jim: [to Pam] Why are you nodding?
Pam: United front.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Where did you get this?!
Erin: Pam gave it to me!
Andy: This is a sick computer! Gwen Stefani has this computer! [in a British accent] Uh, Pamela! What does a guy have to do to get, ahem, one of them?
Pam: You have a computer, Andy.
Andy: Yeah, but if you donated my computer to Africa, it would become world famous as the slowest computer in Africa.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Oh, if you're going back to the annex, could you take these to Dwight? I think the ants are waking up. They need to start farming soon. Thanks.

Quote from Holly

Holly: Okay: Bill Cosby, Steve Martin, Charlie Bit My Finger, Michael Scott, then all the way down here ... Todd Packer.
Michael Scott: That's insane!
Holly: Honey, he's a jerk.

Quote from Todd

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, Packer, I made you some hot chocolate.
Todd: Why?
Dwight K. Schrute: 'Cause I wanna let bygones be bygones. Show you I'm cool. You're the new guy. It's cold out. I made too much. I got this awesome hot chocolate recipe from my wife.
Jim: That's a lot of reasons!
Dwight K. Schrute: Drink it!
Todd: I think I'll pass. The only hot chocolate I'm into is Vivica A. Fox.

Quote from Todd

Todd: What's going on you guys? Yeah! The three muska-queers!
Kevin: [giggling] Mean but good!

Quote from Todd

Holly: So, Todd, this must be nice for you getting off the road. You get to spend some time with your daughter.
Todd: I don't know, I love her and all, but she turned into a bitch. Mostly she's great, but some days she acts like her mom.
Holly: Well, some girls go through a phase.

Quote from Todd

Kevin: Hey, your life is so insane. You should write a book.
Todd: Since when did you learn how to read?
Kevin: I do know how to read, though.
Todd: Yeah. You know how to read... a menu!
Kevin: [nervous chuckling] ... He's right. I mean, I could lose some weight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up and comer.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Best day ever. Best day ever!
Holly: So much happening.
Michael Scott: Question, should I get stripes shaved on the side of my head?
Holly: No! No.
Michael Scott: Please.
Holly: Did Todd tell you to do that?
Michael Scott: Yeah.

Quote from Todd

Todd: So you two are married now, right?
Jim: Yeah.
Todd: That's sweet. How's the sex?
Jim: Yeah... [returns to work]


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