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‘Todd Packer’ Quotes

The Office: Todd Packer

718. Todd Packer

Aired February 24, 2011

When Todd Packer gives up a life on the road for a desk job in Scranton, Michael is the only one happy about the situation. Meanwhile, Andy begs Pam for a new computer after she treats Erin to a new machine, and Dwight and Jim work together to prank Packer.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I got Erin a new computer, because the one at reception sucked. I should know. And I don't wanna say the other one was old, but its I.P. number was one! [laughs cautiously] Right?

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Quote from Holly

Holly: I'm sorry about your friend.
Michael Scott: Nah, he's an ass.
Holly: [Brahmin accent] You are.
Michael Scott: [Brahmin accent] You are.
Holly: What are you wicked smart?
Michael Scott: No you are.
Holly: Who are?
Michael Scott: [kisses her, speaks normally] You are.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Alright, okay. Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets, we give him a number to call for the tickets, and it's his own number.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim: He... It's a crime fighting beaver.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Why don't you write up your best forty ideas and e-mail them to me. Can you do that?
Jim: Absolutely, I'll e-mail you a hundred.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, write up your list of one hundred, edit it down to your top forty, then e-mail it to me, and I'll read it over.

Quote from Ryan

Holly: Okay, look. We can't fire someone because we don't like him.
Ryan: Right, this isn't the U.S. Government.
Kelly: What are you referencing?
Ryan: Uh, everything... Everything.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: I really think we should join forces on this one.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really.
Jim: What do we think, what would drive him crazy?
Dwight K. Schrute: I know.
Jim: Here we go.
Dwight K. Schrute: Pepto-Bismol, in his hot chocolate.
Jim: You've got to stop with the hot chocolate stuff. I was thinking we can jam his drawers, so they only comes out two inches, and that way you can see everything in them but you can't get to them.
Dwight K. Schrute: Does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister! That wouldn't annoy a person at all! Where do you come up with this stuff?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I have the best stock survival shelter in north eastern Pennsylvania. But everything has a shelf-life. So I must eat and replace everything that's about to expire. It's nice not to have to plan my meals.
[back:]
Kevin: You're eating eight-year-old tomatoes?
Dwight K. Schrute: They're still good for another week.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hardy, har, har. Okay picture this: Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A ravenous pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. There's only one hope left for you. The door to my shelter. You pound. You beg. Dwight! Please let me in! But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You wanna know why?
Jim: Because of the sign, that says no pounding no begging.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. Because you laughed at me. Kevin will be eaten! Pam will be taken slave! Jim will be made a warlord's jester. Meredith will do okay. Be assured this day will come. It's just a matter of time. Could be one month, could be two months.
Jim: Three months.
Dwight K. Schrute: Could be.
Jim: Four months.
Dwight K. Schrute: I can see that happening, yes.
Jim: Eight months?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a realistic time line.
Jim: Eleven months.
Dwight K. Schrute: Perhaps.
Jim: Okay, now really think hard about this one: One year.
Dwight K. Schrute: I can see that as a very real possibility.
[later, after everyone else has left:]
Jim: Four hundred and ninety-four months?
Dwight K. Schrute: I can see that happening.
Jim: Four hundred and ninety-five months. That's just...

Quote from Kevin

Dwight K. Schrute: Holly, you approved this?
Holly: Yes, I did. I think Todd's gonna make a great addition to the staff.
Jim: You did approve it?
Holly: Yeah.
Kevin: What don't you understand about the word approved? It seems a couple of you don't know what the word approved means.
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: I have very little patience for stupidity.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Special delivery for Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight K. Schrute: I didn't order anything.
Michael Scott: And I don't have anything for you. But I do wanna talk to you about something. We have been thinking about where Packer should sit... And we can't just sit around waiting for Creed to die.

Quote from Stanley

Pam: We just don't have the budget for it, okay? Reception needed a computer so we got one.
Andy: Well, Andy's desk needs a computer. And, I mean, it's just kinda a coincidence that I work there, but...
Pam: Yes, but reception is a one person department. If I get you a new computer, I have to get one for everyone in sales. For Dwight, for Stanley, it would be crazy.
Stanley: So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now?

Quote from Andy

Andy: I'm not asking for one, I need it.
Phyllis: If you're just handing them out, I want one too.
Andy: Phyllis, no body is handing anything out.
Pam: See, this is what I'm talking about.
Andy: What are you gonna play Majong faster?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: So, this hot chocolate thing.
Dwight K. Schrute: None of your business.
Jim: Well, you know you can't actually poison him, right?
Dwight K. Schrute: It wasn't poison, Jim, it was a laxative. People take laxatives all the time. This is just, a lot more of a laxative. Let me handle it.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: There are over four hundred of these!
Jim: Yeah, I couldn't cut it down.
Dwight K. Schrute: They're all good. So good! Number three: eat a frog. That sounds promising. Number four: eat a dog. I don't know, um, from practical stand point-
Jim: One thirty-five. Did you like one thirty-five?
Dwight K. Schrute: Eat a brog. Maybe it's because I didn't understand it. I just had a couple of notes, let me grab a pen. [Dwight tries to open a drawer on his desk, but it only pulls out two inches] Damn it. Gah! Just when we were getting going.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Allow all cookies? Why certainly! Pop-ups? Yes, please! Bittorrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah! Why not? Oh, I hope you don't get sick, Mr. Computer. [robotic voice] Why are you doing this to me Andy? 'cause I hate your programs!

Quote from Jim

Todd: [on the phone] Well thanks, will do.
Jim: [in a Southern accent] Absolutely, now when you get down there, Jo's a little bit, uh, forgetful. So she may have locked the gate, but what you're gonna do is go ahead, hop it, and just head back to the pool.
Todd: That sounds weird.
Jim: It is weird! Look at you, perceptive. Now I know why Jo's kept her eye on you!
Dwight K. Schrute: [in a Southern accent] And you make sure to get down there and check out that Harry Potter World.
Jim: Whatever you wanna do in your spare time is up to you!
Dwight K. Schrute: Harry Potter World is supposed to be fantastic!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [on phone, in Southern accent] Check it out and have a free butterbeer on us. Keep the receipt and we'll get ya' back!
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Jim: [wrapping up the phone call] All right, so just pack your bags and, uh, be sure to bring those swimming trunks! Bye now! [hangs up]
Michael Scott: I cannot believe this, you're sending Packer to Florida? Why?
Jim: He's a jerk.
Dwight K. Schrute: He took my desk.
Michael Scott: Okay, so you're tricking him into flying to Florida?
Dwight K. Schrute: This wasn't my first choice, Jim had so many better ideas.
Michael Scott: You have to tell him. You have to tell him what you did.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no. That is not in the plan. That is actually anti-what we're doing.

Quote from Pam

Darryl: Saw Andy's new computer you found in the warehouse.
Pam: Yep. Lucked out.
Darryl: Yeah, you really did. 'cause I know every inch of that warehouse.
Pam: Yep, super lucky.
Darryl: Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days.
Pam: ... Yeah. You know what, I think I saw one sick day.
Darryl: I think maybe I saw five.
Pam: Three. [Darryl nods]
[aside to camera:]
Pam: I'm full on corrupt!


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