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‘Junior Salesman’ Quotes

The Office: Junior Salesman

913. Junior Salesman

Aired January 31, 2013

When Dwight is asked to interviews candidates to work part-time at Jim's desk, he is determined not to hire Clark and instead invites all his friends to come in.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: When I was young, I spent several years at a private school where I was told I would be taught to harness my mutant abilities. Turned out it was a conman copying Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters from the X-Men comic books. Took me years to figure out that it was a con. Some people never figured it out.

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Quote from Clark

Clark: This sucks, you know? You put in 12 grueling weeks at a company, and what do they do? They make you compete for a promotion, like an animal. You know, I thought this was an office, not the Thunderdome.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What quality would make you a good sales associate?
Mose: People person.
Dwight K. Schrute: It says here on your resume that you spent the last 15 years as a sales rep for Dow Chemical.
Mose: That's right.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know we live together, right?
Mose: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: And I've never seen you go to work, ever.
Mose: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: So why is this on your resume? [Mose gets up and runs out]

Quote from Jim

Jim: No, it does matter who ends up sitting next to Pam when I'm gone. The people around you are basically who you end up spending your life with. I mean, because of where my desk was, I spent all those years looking at Pam, and I fell in love. So, that stuff matters. Definitely does.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: [observing a roomful of Dwight's friends] This is not natural.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: Hey, boom guy.
Brian: Oh, hey Meredith.
Meredith: When are you gonna boom me?
Brian: Uh, listen, they're cracking down on us talking to the subjects. It's a lame rule, but, you know, I wanna... I- I'll see you later.
Meredith: Got it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Clark: Hey, so I hear you're bringing in some people to interview for the sales job?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's right, a couple of old friends. Ballers only. Must be this cool to ride.
Clark: Well, uh... See, you raised it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, did I? Oh, yes, I did.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Wallace is letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jim's desk while he's away in Philly. Finally I'll have someone at my desk clump who gets me. It's like, "Really, Jim? You don't understand the difference between a slaughterhouse and a rendering plant? Uh, remind me not to lend you any dead cows or horses." Wow.

Quote from Clark

Clark: You know what, man? I deserve this job.
Dwight K. Schrute: Mm-hmm.
Clark: I scored Stone and Son Suit Warehouse with you, and God knows, to get the Scranton White Pages with Jan, I went above and beyond. And under.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? You're gonna get your interview, okay? I know that you're going head-to-head against some real superstars, but you got a really good chance.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Clark has no chance. I mean, he's up against my buddy Rolf, for God's sake. Guy goes fishing with hand grenades. And Trevor, he'll make you laugh so hard, you'll puke your pants.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.
Jim: You could've just called that an alliance too, right?
Dwight K. Schrute: I chose my words very carefully.

Quote from Clark

Clark: [sighs] You interviewing for the sales job too?
Rolf: No. You're interviewing for it. I'm getting it.
Clark: Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that. I mean, I've been working here 12 weeks. That's a full season of Homeland. A ton of things can happen in that amount of time, as we've seen.
Rolf: I'm Rolf. Rolf Ahl.
Clark: Rolf Ahl? Sounds kinda like Roald Dahl.
Rolf: Go to hell.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: So I've got your resume here, but it's not telling me everything.
Rolf: Well, a lot of that information is private. How do I know you're qualified to evaluate me?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I'm the one offering the job.
Rolf: What are your credentials?
Dwight K. Schrute: I've worked here for 12 years. I won salesman of the year. I'm an Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Rolf: I think I've heard everything I need to hear.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, wait, wait. No, I mean, if you need to know more, you can call David Wallace. I'm sure he'd give a reference.
Rolf: Thank you, Dwight. I'll be in touch.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Well, they can't all be winners. But Trevor's next and he's a real professional. You say, "Jump," and he says, "Oh who?" He loves to jump on people, that Trevor.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What makes you think you'd be an effective paper salesman?
Trevor: Ooh, okay. Didn't see that one coming. Can I take a 20 on that? Maybe we can circle back around to it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, it's a pretty basic question for a potential paper salesman.
Trevor: Pass. Next one.
Dwight K. Schrute: All right. Do you see yourself as more of a team player or a self-starter?
Trevor: No, no and no.
Dwight K. Schrute: There were only two options.
Trevor: Checkmate. You win this one, my friend. Do you validate parking?
Dwight K. Schrute: This is a bus transfer.
Trevor: [chuckles] Nothing gets by this guy.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Do people like sitting next to you? You're clean, right?
Clark: Oh, Dove Men.
Jim: Nice. Music. Do you listen to it in earbuds? You don't listen to it at all because we're at work, not a Florence and the Machine concert, so...
Clark: Yeah, could I just have a minute to prepare for this?
Jim: Sure, yeah. Do whatever you need to do.
Clark: Thanks, dude.
Jim: Right after you do one thing for me. I need you to breathe in my face.
Clark: Why?
Jim: I need you to breathe in my face right now.
Clark: [exhales]
Jim: What are we working with, peppermint or wintergreen?
Clark: Wintergreen.
Jim: I knew it, I knew it.
Clark: Yeah, good nose.
Jim: I looked at you coming around, and I said, "Wintergreen."

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I can't hire Clark. Yeah, he looks like a Schrute, but he thinks like a Halpert and he acts like a Beesly.

Quote from Clark

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, here's one. A customer who ordered enough paper to qualify for a volume discount now wants to return half the stock. You can't rebate the sales price or credit for future purchases because you brokered the deal for a third party.
Clark: That's just a classic no-win situation.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you.
Clark: So I'd Kobayashi Maru it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Damn it! Perfect answer, again.
Clark: Yep.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, think, Dwight, think. You have a ream of 16-bond...
Clark: You know what, Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: And anoth—
Clark: This interview's over, and I get the job. I just Kobayashi Maru'd the whole process.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Clark: Yeah. Star Trek rules.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Next up, my cousin Mose. Mose could make a great paper salesman. He's got a natural fear of paper, which would motivate him to get as much of it out of this office as possible. I've got big expectations, Mose-wise.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Clark: So how'd you guys hear about the position?
Nate: My- My mom. Dwight called my house, but he didn't realize that I had already moved out, because my mom and I are quarreling because I- I can't stay out of her stuff.
Zeke: Dwight's my cousin, so I overheard him telling my brother Mose about the job opportunity in the shower.
Clark: You were in the shower or he was in the shower?
Zeke: Everyone was in the shower. It's a cow shower, so there's like, a ton of people in there.
Clark: So you guys all know Dwight already?
Melvina: I was his babysitter, and then we dated for a while. He was a passionate lover and the sweetest little baby.
Gabor: I knew you looked familiar. You used to pick up Dwight from school.
Melvina: You went to X-Men school too? [exhales]
Clark: X-Men school?

Quote from Oscar

Angela: I don't want to sit near any of those people for the next 20 years. Someone say something.
Stanley: I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didn't work then. And now look what he's doing to us.
Nellie: Yeah, Jim, this is all your fault.
Jim: How is it my fault?
Nellie: Here's an exercise for you, Jim. Imagine there are consequences to your actions. Imagine the whole world does not revolve around this. There are others.
Jim: But it's Dwight who's bringing in all the weirdos.
Oscar: Yeah, but Jim, Dwight's a weirdo. We can't blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos.

Quote from Darryl

Jim: Dwight, you can't just hire someone ‘cause they're your friend.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not. These people are the best of the best. I find talent an attractive quality in a friend.
Nellie: They're freaks, Dwight. All your friends are weirdos and freaks.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know who else was a [British accent] freak? Spider-man. And he was also a hero.
Darryl: Your friends are like Spider-man, if he had gotten bitten by a spider and then got really into masturbating.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Melvina: Do you need to be changed?
Dwight K. Schrute: I do that myself now.
Melvina: Mmm. Are you going to make a decision soon? I've been double-parked for five hours. I'm wondering if I should move my car.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, you've been towed by now. They tow after about 45 minutes.
Melvina: Well, the joke's on them. I live right next to the tow yard. All they did was save me some gas.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: And I was thinking it's only fair that you help make this decision since they'll be sitting at your desk next to your wife.
Jim: But you know I wouldn't hire any of these all-stars.
Dwight K. Schrute: Aah! God, that sucks! Aah! What are you gonna do? I mean, it's your call.
Jim: Nope. Your friends not turning out to be as great as you thought? Not even Gabor?
Dwight K. Schrute: I guess I just have higher standards for my work colleagues than for my friends. I just couldn't picture any of them in the old gold and gray.
Jim: I knew it. You designed a uniform for Dunder Mifflin.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal.


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