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‘Pool Party’ Quotes

The Office: Pool Party

812. Pool Party

Aired January 19, 2012

As Robert gets ready to sell his house following his break-up, he invites the employees to a pool party for one last hoorah.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on. They have their life and I have mine. I'm taking an Italian class. So far I have learned tortellini, spagettini, linguini... Well, it's not so much a class as a restaurant, but I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from seven to nine.

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Quote from Robert

Robert: When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies: Caligula, Last Tango in Paris, and Emmanuelle 2. Last two movies I actually watched in here: Marley and Me and On Golden [bleep] Pond. [edit]

Quote from Toby

Oscar: Toby, what's compelling about this is the note of persimmon. Right?
Toby: Note? It's a symphony.
Oscar: Okay, you have to join my wine-tasting club.
Toby: I would love that.
[aside to camera:]
Toby: Toby, you are playing a dangerous game. Guess I'm through the gateway now, though, right?

Quote from Robert

Jim: [to Robert, who's looking at pictures of a house online] Whoa, looks pretty nice. Got a little bit of a Shining vibe, though.
Oscar: Oh, who needs a house that size?
Dwight K. Schrute: Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait.
Robert: I'm selling the house, actually.
Jim: You know, there's a glare from over here... Oh, wow. That's magnificent.
Robert: It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and I've got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too, people. I bought it to be my Playboy mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue... This was hot on the heels of "Eyes Wide Shut", mind you. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place.

Quote from Jim

Cathy: [to Jim] Hey, late guy.
Jim: Hey. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to. A wife and two kids at home party.
Andy: Oh.
Jim: DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: You're looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is, you have to make a strong impression, so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point, for later. I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve, I was home by nine.

Quote from Meredith

Jim: Hey, um, I think you parked my car in. Is there any way you can move your van?
Meredith: Oh, I'm sorry. When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl.
Jim: Are you serious?

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: [climbs in Dwight's car] What's the haul?
Dwight K. Schrute: Thirty-two meatballs.
Stanley: Good day.
[to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: That idiot's been feeding us for a week.
Stanley: We'll never have to buy meatballs again.

Quote from Robert

Robert: The ultimate insult? They're calling my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room. [Jim laughs] Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim?
Jim: I'm sorry, I thought you were making a joke.
Robert: What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard?
Jim: I guess I thought you were approaching it with more of a sarcasm than misery. [chuckling] Kind of laughing at your own pain. Sad clown thing.
Robert: Oh, yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of the dying circus industry. Very funny, Jim. I get it.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Here we have the parlor. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge, but beyond it you're simply a penis, a vagina, hunger, ache. Susan used it as a Pilates studio.

Quote from Robert

Robert: I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton, the juices dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls. Then I met the vegan.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: [sits down] Oh, ugh. [stands up and looks at chair] What is this, a meatball? Really? [Stanley laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Jim: It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that she's out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I've found out what he likes. And it's really weird.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, come on! That's so juvenile! What the- [opens drawer full of meatballs]
Stanley: You've been meatballed! [laughs]
Dwight K. Schrute: Ugh.
Stanley: Are you ready for some meatball?
Dwight K. Schrute: Aw, man. [Stanley laughs] This is not very clever, Jim.
Jim: I know.
Stanley: Look for your stapler!
Dwight K. Schrute: [Dwight finds his stapler enclosed in a giant meatball] Really Jim? Really? Very funny.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But, if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive, and I believe him.

Quote from Robert

Andy: Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here.
Robert: A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: You guys got to try this pool. No top scum, no band-aids. This thing is choice.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Funny how we can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. Hi.
Andy: Hi.
Erin: How is everything? How's your car?
Andy: It's great. You know... Reliable. Great mileage.
Erin: Is that so? How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain?
Andy: Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica. You know, a couple of dopes on the slopes.
Erin: Oh, like a goodbye trip.
Andy: No. What?

Quote from Erin

Dwight K. Schrute: You regret attacking me now, hick? Huh?
Erin: Stop it. Dwight, I was flirting with you. I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because I'm mighty? Because I'm the manliest man in the office? I'll do it. [he picks her up]
Erin: [giggles] Oh, Dwight!

Quote from Erin

Erin: Andy's confused. That's not what I was hoping for, but it's not so bad either. I can live with confused. I get confused. I totally get confused.

Quote from Andy

Andy: My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, whoa! Pump the brakes, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just- You know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years... Mom took the main diamond out, she thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it, but...

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: [to Robert] Dude, what if, since you're feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool?
Oscar: Kevin, no.
Robert: What, as some sort of last hoorah?
Kevin: Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it.
Robert: You know, I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Let's try this: everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit. Let's just call it a get-together. And let's say no food.
Kevin: Hey, Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me?
Oscar: That, was you, Kevin.
Kevin: It was me.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: You going tonight, kiddo? Cause I can give you a lift.
Erin: Oh, I don't know, Meredith. It seems like you shouldn't drive maybe ever.
Meredith: It's no problem. You live right near me.
Erin: How do you know where I live?
Meredith: Andy followed you home after the Christmas party.
Erin: Why?
Meredith: He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you.
Erin: Oh. Come on.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Robert, just wanted to grab you one second. This place is amazing, by the way.
Robert: You should see the whole thing.
Jim: I bet I should. [takes cell phone photo] That's beautiful. I'm going to email that to you.

Quote from Toby

Oscar: Holy cow!
Robert: Wine collection.
Oscar: How many bottles? Three hundred?
Robert: [laughs] About twelve hundred. What the hell, grab a bottle. Less inventory for the lawyers.
Oscar: Toby! Chateau Margaux ninety-five. You know your wine.
Toby: Well, and you have a... Yes, a... Another chateau.

Quote from Robert

Robert: I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears.
Jim: To both these bears.
Ryan: To both these bears.
Toby: Bears.
Oscar: To both these bears.

Quote from Kevin

Darryl: Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking.
Val: No, I'm good. Thank you.
Darryl: Cool.
Val: Cool. [to Kevin] Does Darryl not swim?
Kevin: That's racist! I don't know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Ugh. Same old party, same old people. Am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis's birthday.
Andy: Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis's birthday.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know. [laughs] But boy, that Erin. She sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she? Rawr! And to think, I always thought of her as a second Meredith. Respectfully, I don't want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation.
Andy: Mmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: So I just want to make sure that you are completely, one hundred percent done with Erin.
Andy: Last I checked, I'm with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It's monogamy for my hog 'n me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Not what I asked.
Andy: We're done. Erin and I are over.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. So then you won't mind if tonight I just go crazy on her, just go nuts, rawr! With sex.
Andy: Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out.
Dwight K. Schrute: [sighs] You're an idiot.

Quote from Robert

Robert: And of course, the pool. The ultimate lubricant for any wild evening. It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness.
Jim: To madness.

Quote from Gabe

Ryan: Robert, I want you to know, I'm here to rock with you as late as you want, man.
Gabe: And that goes double for me. I'll stay even later than you'd like.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Gentlemen, bear witness. While I've been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. [Robert strips completely naked, then jumps in the pool. Gabe and Ryan follow]
All: Yes! Woohoo! Bravo!
Jim: And there's my talking point.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Yes, that's it. Push yourselves, boys. It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you. I need a breather. Oh. Oh. You two keep going.
Ryan: Hey, he's asleep. We can just leave.
Gabe: So leave.

Quote from Erin

Dwight K. Schrute: [cutesy] You stop.
Erin: [cutesy] No, you stop.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, you stop.
Erin: [to camera] Is he looking? [seriously] Oh. You can stop.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, you can stop.
Erin: No, no, no, he's not looking.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, you can stop.
Erin: You can actually stop.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Andy's not even looking. I think sexy eating is a dead end.
Dwight K. Schrute: Damn it.
Erin: What is the most romantic possible thing?
Dwight K. Schrute: We can get some chicken fights going in the pool.
Erin: Dwight, that's just- That's really perfect. Thank you.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know. I could just bang you right now.
Erin: He's not looking. [Dwight dumps her in the pool] Hey!


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