Jim Halpert Quotes Page 1 of 43

Quote from Product Recall

[Jim arrives for work wearing glasses, a side-parting hair cut, and a pale yellow shirt:]
Jim: It's kind of blurry. That's better. Question, what kind of bear is best?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
Jim: Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bears do not- What is going on? What are you doing?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Four dollars. And it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the ensemble and that's a grand total of $11.
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. So I thank you. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim: Michael!
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, that's funny. Michael!

Quote from Golden Ticket

Jim: Ding-dong.
Michael Scott: Who's there?
Jim: KGB.
Michael Scott: Dwight, get the door.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not answering the door.
Michael Scott: Answer the door.
Jim: Ding dong.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's the KGB.
Michael Scott: You get it.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not answering that. You answer it.
Michael Scott: I'm not gonna answer it.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not gonna answer it. It's the KGB!
Jim: [slapping Dwight across the face] The KGB will wait for no one. [Michael laughs]
Dwight K. Schrute: [to camera:] It's true.

Quote from Conflict Resolution

Michael Scott: Okay. So, Dwight, in your own words, "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons.
I suspect Jim Halpert." "Everyone has called me Dwayne all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."
Jim: [aside to camera:] Yes. 5 bucks each and it was totally worth it.
Michael Scott: "This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gag. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."
Jim: [aside to camera:] That actually took a while. I had to put more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight. And then I just took them all out.
Michael Scott: "Every time I typed my name, it said diapers."
Jim: [aside to camera:] Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny, one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Michael Scott: "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier."
Jim: [aside to camera:] Yeah. I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day, that day.

Quote from Branch Closing

Jim: I worked in Scranton for a really long time. And uh, it's going to be weird that it's all disappearing. I mean, I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.

Quote from Andy's Ancestry

Fake Jim: Morning, Dwight
Dwight K. Schrute: Who are you?
Fake Jim: Who am I? I'm Jim. We've been working together for twelve years. Ha, Weird joke, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian.
Fake Jim:: You seriously never noticed? Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race.
Dwight K. Schrute: Alright then, Jim. Ah, why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday?
Fake Jim:: Uh, Wellington systems? Sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or, were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? Because I didn't close that one yet, but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me.
Voicemail: Please enter your password. [Fake Jim keys in a code] You have one new message.
Dwight K. Schrute: How did you know? No! No, no! That is sensitive information only for employees, not outsiders!
Fake Jim: Dwight, cut it out, I'm trying to work.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't work here! You're not Jim!
Pam: Jim, I got us that dinner reservation. Grico's at 7:30.
Fake Jim: Oh great, can't wait. [kisses Pam]
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Jim's at the dentist this morning. And Steve is an actor friend of ours.
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't know who you are, but you are not Jim. This is Jim!
[Dwight shows Fake Jim a picture of the Halpert family. Fake Jim smiles at the picture, so Dwight looks and sees that it's a picture of Pam with Fake Jim and two mixed-race children]

Quote from Test the Store

Jim: I'm really sorry. Is there anything I can do, maybe pretend to be Chuck?
Dwight K. Schrute: You could have pretended to be Chuck. I begged you to pretend to be Chuck, but you chose to be yourself, and you can no longer be Chuck! Surrender the tripack. You know what you have to do.

Quote from Branch Closing

Jim: I don't have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch. But before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery. So from time to time, I send Dwight faxes from himself from the future. "Dwight, at 8:00 a.m. Today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight."
[At the Scranton Branch, Dwight runs across the room and knocks a coffee cup out of Stanley's hand]
Dwight K. Schrute: No! You'll thank me later.

Quote from Performance Review

Jim: Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.

Quote from Christmas Party

Jim: So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa, and I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I'm also gonna stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else? This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. This would take a little too long to explain, so I won't. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel.

Quote from Frame Toby

Jim: Today's a big day. Today's the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us. Without telling her. But it's my parents' house, the house I grew up in. And yeah, I bought it kind of impulsively. I mean, the price was good and I was helping out my mom. It's got shag carpets. I mean, you can't blame my parents, it was the '70s. And why would you wanna buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling and a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the integrity of the building? She's gonna love it. Right?

Quote from Phyllis' Wedding

Jim: Oh, damn. I lost another file. Gonna have to reboot, again. Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid?
Dwight K. Schrute: What do you think?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. So, for the past couple weeks, I've been conducting a similar experiment.
[montage:]
Jim: [computer sound] Dwight, want an Altoid?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Jim: [computer sound] Altoid?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sure.
Jim: [computer sound] Mint, Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: "Mint, Dwight?" Yes.
Jim: [computer sound, Dwight holds out his hand] What are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: I- What? I don't know. I- My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden.

Quote from Local Ad

Jim: I think it's great that the company's making a commercial. Because not very many people have heard of us. When I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers, or muffins, or mittens, or... And frankly, all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.

Quote from WUPHF.com

[Jim sits at his desk and phones Gabe with his doctored audio of Jo ready:]
Gabe: [answering phone] Gabe Lewis.
Jo: Now listen here, Gabe, you're too fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat. I made some changes to my book. See if you like them.
Gabe: Well, Jo-
Jo: Now, I love reading and I hate being interrupted. Shut up and listen, you gay bastard. Chapter One. I was born, not into luxury, nor poverty. But into adversity, and for that, I thank the Lord. My father was a man. That's all we can know. After I learned to ride a bike, there was no stopping me. I would ride up Magnolia Street and down Azalea Lane. Which would later become my paper round.
Jim: [opens door to Gabe's office] All right, good night, Gabe. Just wanted to say thanks again. 'cause I really think I made good use of my day. Oh, sorry.
Jo: I have always been a fighter. And fate has obliged me with plenty of battles, the first being a hard-

Quote from The Secret

Michael Scott: What? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.
Jim: Is it me or does it smell like updog in here?
Michael Scott: What's "updog"?
Jim: Nothing much, what's up with you?
Michael Scott: [laughing] Oh, wow. I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant.

Quote from The Promotion

Jim: I've been studying Michael for years, and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart. How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it.