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‘Office Olympics’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Office: Office Olympics

203. Office Olympics

Aired October 4, 2005

While Dwight accompanies Michael as he purchases a home, Jim livens things up back at Dunder Mifflin with a series of workplace games.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, thank God. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although, two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one. And it's under the porch.

Quote from Stanley

Jim: Stanley, I just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you? You got any games?
Stanley: Yeah, I got a game. It's called "work hard, so my kids can go to college."
Jim: Fair enough.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'm an early bird and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise and I have worms.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, breakfast.
Ryan: I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit.
Michael Scott: Yummy, yummy, thank you, Ryan.
Ryan: What was the thing you needed me to come in early for?
Michael Scott: Um... The sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. But, thank you. And why don't you just take a couple hours. Office is yours. Home Alone, Risky Business. Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you want to do.
Ryan: I'm just going to take a nap in my car till work starts.
Michael Scott: Okay. [removing the bread] See? Healthier, got to watch those carbs.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner, investing in real estate.
Dwight K. Schrute: Diversifying. Smart.
Michael Scott: Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property, and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.
Dwight K. Schrute: And it worked.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: They should bring the stocks back, people would obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers.
Michael Scott: Maybe.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You know, you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15-year on our beet farm, we paid it off early.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.
Dwight K. Schrute: People love beets.
Michael Scott: Nobody likes beets.
Dwight K. Schrute: Everyone loves beets.
Michael Scott: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years and we make a great team. Why, we're like one of those classic, famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: A 30-year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. Now, if I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo. It's completely personal.
Dwight K. Schrute: So, you're taking a personal day?
Michael Scott: [spluttering] Except that it's about my living arrangement and as boss I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Please. I'll make you proud.
Michael Scott: Okay, fine. Yes, you can come.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. As your representative?
Michael Scott: As my associate.
Dwight K. Schrute: Same thing.
Michael Scott: No, it is not.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines?
Pam: Yeah, I changed them to your new address.
Michael Scott: Good. The Small Business Man?
Pam: Yep.
Michael Scott: Maxim? American Way? CRACKED?
Pam: Yes, I changed your CRACKED magazine subscription.
Michael Scott: How about Fine Arts Aficionado Monthly? No? Okay. Well, could you get on that, 'cause I don't just read CRACKED. Thank you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Home, sweet home.
Dwight K. Schrute: Which one's yours?
Michael Scott: Right there. My sanctuary, my party-pad. Someday, I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree, push them back- Wait. [turning around] No, it's this one right here. Home, sweet home.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are, like, 17 feet high. We have cable readiness right there. I'm going to totally pimp this place out. I'm going to put a surround sound system. I'm going to put a plasma screen right against this wall.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, terrible idea.
Michael Scott: Here's where I'm putting my bed, right here.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no, no, this is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor, totally smashed.
Michael Scott: Well, then I will get a warranty.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warranties don't cover it. Plus they're a rip-off.
Michael Scott: Well, then I won't get a warranty. So, that's the problem, it's solved.

Quote from Kevin

Jim: This scented candle, which I found in the men's bathroom, represents the eternal burning of competition, or something.
Kevin: It smells like cookies.
Jim: Yes, it does. Yes, it does, my friend.

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