Previous Episode Next Episode 

39Quotes from ‘Office Olympics’

The Office: Office Olympics

203. Office Olympics

Aired October 4, 2005

While Dwight accompanies Michael as he purchases a home, Jim livens things up back at Dunder Mifflin with a series of workplace games.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, thank God. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although, two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one. And it's under the porch.

Quote from Stanley

Jim: Stanley, I just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you? You got any games?
Stanley: Yeah, I got a game. It's called "work hard, so my kids can go to college."
Jim: Fair enough.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'm an early bird and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise and I have worms.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, breakfast.
Ryan: I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit.
Michael Scott: Yummy, yummy, thank you, Ryan.
Ryan: What was the thing you needed me to come in early for?
Michael Scott: Um... The sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. But, thank you. And why don't you just take a couple hours. Office is yours. Home Alone, Risky Business. Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you want to do.
Ryan: I'm just going to take a nap in my car till work starts.
Michael Scott: Okay. [removing the bread] See? Healthier, got to watch those carbs.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner, investing in real estate.
Dwight K. Schrute: Diversifying. Smart.
Michael Scott: Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property, and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.
Dwight K. Schrute: And it worked.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: They should bring the stocks back, people would obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers.
Michael Scott: Maybe.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You know, you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15-year on our beet farm, we paid it off early.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.
Dwight K. Schrute: People love beets.
Michael Scott: Nobody likes beets.
Dwight K. Schrute: Everyone loves beets.
Michael Scott: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years and we make a great team. Why, we're like one of those classic, famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: A 30-year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. Now, if I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo. It's completely personal.
Dwight K. Schrute: So, you're taking a personal day?
Michael Scott: [spluttering] Except that it's about my living arrangement and as boss I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Please. I'll make you proud.
Michael Scott: Okay, fine. Yes, you can come.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. As your representative?
Michael Scott: As my associate.
Dwight K. Schrute: Same thing.
Michael Scott: No, it is not.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines?
Pam: Yeah, I changed them to your new address.
Michael Scott: Good. The Small Business Man?
Pam: Yep.
Michael Scott: Maxim? American Way? CRACKED?
Pam: Yes, I changed your CRACKED magazine subscription.
Michael Scott: How about Fine Arts Aficionado Monthly? No? Okay. Well, could you get on that, 'cause I don't just read CRACKED. Thank you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Home, sweet home.
Dwight K. Schrute: Which one's yours?
Michael Scott: Right there. My sanctuary, my party-pad. Someday, I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree, push them back- Wait. [turning around] No, it's this one right here. Home, sweet home.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are, like, 17 feet high. We have cable readiness right there. I'm going to totally pimp this place out. I'm going to put a surround sound system. I'm going to put a plasma screen right against this wall.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, terrible idea.
Michael Scott: Here's where I'm putting my bed, right here.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no, no, this is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor, totally smashed.
Michael Scott: Well, then I will get a warranty.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warranties don't cover it. Plus they're a rip-off.
Michael Scott: Well, then I won't get a warranty. So, that's the problem, it's solved.

Quote from Kevin

Jim: This scented candle, which I found in the men's bathroom, represents the eternal burning of competition, or something.
Kevin: It smells like cookies.
Jim: Yes, it does. Yes, it does, my friend.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What kind of mortgage did you get?
Michael Scott: Uh, ten year.
Carole: Well, 10 over 30. So 30 year total.
Michael Scott: What? What? You said 10.
Carole: Ten year fixed, over 30, 30 year total.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, 30 years.
Michael Scott: Okay, okay, okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wow, you'll be paying this off in your mid-70s.
Michael Scott: All right.
Dwight K. Schrute: Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey, I have an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live.

Quote from Michael Scott

Carole: Is this a financial thing? If it's a financial thing, what some people do is they rent out the third bedroom. That's an extra income for you.
Michael Scott: No, no. I'm not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walking.
Carole: You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now.
[later:]
Michael Scott: I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. Look, I'm a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner, diversified. This is good. This is fun. We're having fun.
Dwight K. Schrute: Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I don't even know what to say.
Michael Scott: I'm thinking, lock you into a four-year commitment. We'll go month-to-month after that. Or until I start dating, have a girlfriend and then, you're, you know, you're gone.
Dwight K. Schrute: So, question. Where can I put my terrarium?
Michael Scott: What the hell is a terrarium?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards.
Michael Scott: Oh, so, an aquarium? That will not come into this place, okay?
Dwight K. Schrute: Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires...

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Question. What about car-pooling? Who pays for the gas?
Michael Scott: We take separate cars.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine?
Michael Scott: Why would we do that?
Dwight K. Schrute: Just for fun.
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, question. Who's the primary on the fire insurance?
Michael Scott: [mimicking buzzer] Game over. Offer revoked, Dwight. I'm sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy and help out a friend and this is what happens. This is what I get.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: What's this?
Jim: These are the closing ceremonies. Step up. Here, on the top one. Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo, so gold medal. [applause]
Michael Scott: I don't really know what to say. I'm not one for making speeches, but my heart is very full at this moment.
Jim: And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal. Get on up here, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Silver medal.
Michael Scott: Yeah, not as good as gold.
[The Star-Spangled Banner plays]
Michael Scott: Why are you playing the National Anthem?
Jim: Um, 'cause your condo's in America.
Michael Scott: What the hell is that?
Jim: Those are the doves.

Quote from Kevin

Oscar: Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael's out.
Jim: Really?
Kevin: Or when we're bored.
Jim: Oh, my God. Wait, this goes back two years.
Kevin: We're bored a lot.

Quote from Kevin

Jim: I really love the "paper triangle flicking and hitting things" game.
Kevin: Yeah. We call it "Hate Ball."
Jim: Why?
Kevin: Because of how much Angela hates it.
Jim: Hey, do you guys have any other games?
Kevin: Sometimes we play "who can put the most M&M's in their mouth."
Angela: You play that.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: This is smaller than your old place.
Michael Scott: Yes, well, I'm buying it. I'm not renting it. So, it's still an upgrade. He doesn't know anything about property ownership. He's kind of an idiot.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Carole: Are we ready to sign some papers?
Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, no, we have a couple of questions. About the neighborhood.
Bill: It's very safe. It's very clean. Also, it's very accepting of all lifestyles.
Carole: It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood.
Michael Scott: Oh, good, that's good. It's good to be accommodating of that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's go check out the master bedroom.

Quote from Pam

Jim: Okay, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids.
Pam: Now, the bronze are really blue and they're also the backside of the gold, so no flipping. Okay, honor system.

Quote from Angela

Angela: I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games, just not at work.

Quote from Jim

Jim: You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. And I'm blanking on the name. Could you help me out, Pam?
Pam: Jim, they refer to it as "Flonkerton." In English, "box-of-paper snowshoe racing."
Jim: Fair enough, but I like Flonkerton.

Quote from Pam

Pam: The thing about Jim is when he's excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That I don't-
Carole: What?
Michael Scott: I don't know if you showed me the same unit or not.
Carole: Michael, this is the unit you saw.
Michael Scott: And where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles.
Carole: Who told you that?
Michael Scott: And as far as I can tell, I'm the best-Iooking person here.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There's a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-Iooking person in the development. It's just sort of common sense. Because if you are, then you've no place to go but down.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There's something else, Dwight, I want to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you, for helping me out today.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, you didn't have to-
Michael Scott: No, no, I insist, I insist. Because you've really done some great work, great work. And that is why I'm going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Uh, I rewarded Dwight with the room and he is rewarding me back with $500 plus utilities.

Quote from Angela

Pam: Come on, Angela, don't you have a game?
Angela: I have one, yes.
Pam: Well, let's play. What is it?
Angela: I call it "Pam-Pong." I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you
Pam: We're friends.
Angela: Apparently.

Quote from Phyllis

Jim: Very nicely done. Okay, so, I think that's H.O.R. for Stanley and H.O. for Phyllis.
Phyllis: Are you calling me a ho?
Jim: Oh, my God. Phyllis coming alive, I like it.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Yeah, I filled out the expense reports. That took about five minutes and then I closed two sales at lunchtime, so, about as productive as any other day, if not more so.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: I figured I could throw it away now or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away.
I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paperclips and an old yogurt lid?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What's going on?
Jim: Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo.
Michael Scott: Oh, thanks, thanks. It's very cool. It's three bedroom, gay-friendly.
Jim: Nice.
Michael Scott: You know.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Ah, most honorable Pamela. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill, Mr. Bill. [high-pitched voice] Oh, no, Mr. Bill! SNL. When they pull him apart? He would always get rolled over by something.


 Episode 202 Episode 204