Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Office Olympics’ Quotes

The Office: Office Olympics

203. Office Olympics

Aired October 4, 2005

While Dwight accompanies Michael as he purchases a home, Jim livens things up back at Dunder Mifflin with a series of workplace games.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Rate

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, thank God. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although, two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one. And it's under the porch.

Quote from Stanley

Jim: Stanley, I just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you? You got any games?
Stanley: Yeah, I got a game. It's called "work hard, so my kids can go to college."
Jim: Fair enough.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'm an early bird and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise and I have worms.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, breakfast.
Ryan: I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit.
Michael Scott: Yummy, yummy, thank you, Ryan.
Ryan: What was the thing you needed me to come in early for?
Michael Scott: Um... The sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. But, thank you. And why don't you just take a couple hours. Office is yours. Home Alone, Risky Business. Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you want to do.
Ryan: I'm just going to take a nap in my car till work starts.
Michael Scott: Okay. [removing the bread] See? Healthier, got to watch those carbs.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner, investing in real estate.
Dwight K. Schrute: Diversifying. Smart.
Michael Scott: Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property, and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.
Dwight K. Schrute: And it worked.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: They should bring the stocks back, people would obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers.
Michael Scott: Maybe.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You know, you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15-year on our beet farm, we paid it off early.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.
Dwight K. Schrute: People love beets.
Michael Scott: Nobody likes beets.
Dwight K. Schrute: Everyone loves beets.
Michael Scott: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years and we make a great team. Why, we're like one of those classic, famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: A 30-year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. Now, if I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo. It's completely personal.
Dwight K. Schrute: So, you're taking a personal day?
Michael Scott: [spluttering] Except that it's about my living arrangement and as boss I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Please. I'll make you proud.
Michael Scott: Okay, fine. Yes, you can come.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. As your representative?
Michael Scott: As my associate.
Dwight K. Schrute: Same thing.
Michael Scott: No, it is not.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines?
Pam: Yeah, I changed them to your new address.
Michael Scott: Good. The Small Business Man?
Pam: Yep.
Michael Scott: Maxim? American Way? CRACKED?
Pam: Yes, I changed your CRACKED magazine subscription.
Michael Scott: How about Fine Arts Aficionado Monthly? No? Okay. Well, could you get on that, 'cause I don't just read CRACKED. Thank you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Home, sweet home.
Dwight K. Schrute: Which one's yours?
Michael Scott: Right there. My sanctuary, my party-pad. Someday, I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree, push them back- Wait. [turning around] No, it's this one right here. Home, sweet home.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are, like, 17 feet high. We have cable readiness right there. I'm going to totally pimp this place out. I'm going to put a surround sound system. I'm going to put a plasma screen right against this wall.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, terrible idea.
Michael Scott: Here's where I'm putting my bed, right here.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no, no, this is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor, totally smashed.
Michael Scott: Well, then I will get a warranty.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warranties don't cover it. Plus they're a rip-off.
Michael Scott: Well, then I won't get a warranty. So, that's the problem, it's solved.

Quote from Kevin

Jim: This scented candle, which I found in the men's bathroom, represents the eternal burning of competition, or something.
Kevin: It smells like cookies.
Jim: Yes, it does. Yes, it does, my friend.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What kind of mortgage did you get?
Michael Scott: Uh, ten year.
Carole: Well, 10 over 30. So 30 year total.
Michael Scott: What? What? You said 10.
Carole: Ten year fixed, over 30, 30 year total.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, 30 years.
Michael Scott: Okay, okay, okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wow, you'll be paying this off in your mid-70s.
Michael Scott: All right.
Dwight K. Schrute: Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey, I have an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live.

Quote from Michael Scott

Carole: Is this a financial thing? If it's a financial thing, what some people do is they rent out the third bedroom. That's an extra income for you.
Michael Scott: No, no. I'm not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walking.
Carole: You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now.
[later:]
Michael Scott: I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. Look, I'm a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner, diversified. This is good. This is fun. We're having fun.
Dwight K. Schrute: Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I don't even know what to say.
Michael Scott: I'm thinking, lock you into a four-year commitment. We'll go month-to-month after that. Or until I start dating, have a girlfriend and then, you're, you know, you're gone.
Dwight K. Schrute: So, question. Where can I put my terrarium?
Michael Scott: What the hell is a terrarium?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards.
Michael Scott: Oh, so, an aquarium? That will not come into this place, okay?
Dwight K. Schrute: Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires...

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Question. What about car-pooling? Who pays for the gas?
Michael Scott: We take separate cars.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine?
Michael Scott: Why would we do that?
Dwight K. Schrute: Just for fun.
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, question. Who's the primary on the fire insurance?
Michael Scott: [mimicking buzzer] Game over. Offer revoked, Dwight. I'm sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy and help out a friend and this is what happens. This is what I get.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: What's this?
Jim: These are the closing ceremonies. Step up. Here, on the top one. Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo, so gold medal. [applause]
Michael Scott: I don't really know what to say. I'm not one for making speeches, but my heart is very full at this moment.
Jim: And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal. Get on up here, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Silver medal.
Michael Scott: Yeah, not as good as gold.
[The Star-Spangled Banner plays]
Michael Scott: Why are you playing the National Anthem?
Jim: Um, 'cause your condo's in America.
Michael Scott: What the hell is that?
Jim: Those are the doves.


 Episode 202 Episode 204 
  Select another episode