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‘Fun Run’ Quotes

The Office: Fun Run

401. Fun Run

Aired September 27, 2007

After Michael runs over Meredith in the company car park, he tries to earn her forgiveness. When they learn Meredith might have caught rabies from the bat in the office, Michael decides they should host a charity fun run for the disease. Meanwhile, Angela regrets asking Dwight to look after her cat, and Jim and Pam keep quiet about their new relationship.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So Ryan got promoted to corporate where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton, I'm still top dog in a fairly large pond. So who's the real boss? The dog or a fish?

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Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes, I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally, I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. No, don't sue me. That's the opposite of the point that I am trying to make.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not, like, this compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.

Quote from Creed

Creed: I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower. but you make more money as a leader.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Ladies and gentlemen. I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
Jim: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: Where?
Michael Scott: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could. And she is going to be okay.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: People keep calling me a "wunderkind." I don't even know what that means. I mean, I know what it means. It means very successful for your age. So I guess it makes sense, but It's a weird word.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Is there a God? If not, what are all these churches for? And who is Jesus' dad?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: It's only Meredith.
Michael Scott: Yeah, it's only Meredith. Thank God. But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey. Why did you it?
Michael Scott: It was an accident.
Dwight K. Schrute: Was she talking back?
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just got sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: All right, since I am the boss, I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun?
Stanley: You can't be serious. You ran a woman over this morning.
Michael Scott: Everybody inside the car was fine, Stanley!

Quote from Creed

Phyllis: Does it hurt terribly?
Meredith: No, it's not too bad. They have me on a lot of painkillers.
Creed: Oh, really? What kind, codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? Oxycontin? Palladone?
Meredith: I have no idea.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Oh, yes, I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.

Quote from Kelly

Michael Scott: Kelly, you are Hindu. So you believe in Buddha.
Kelly: That's Buddhists.
Michael Scott: Are you sure?
Kelly: No.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: A woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I'm hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has been largely eradicated in the U.S. But not very many people know that.

Quote from Pam

Pam: So I closed the door but the image of his...
Jim: Baguette.
Pam: Dangling participle is still burned in my eyes.
Jim: I can imagine.

Quote from Jim

Jim: One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.

Quote from Angela

Pam: Angela? Are you coming?
Angela: I can't. Sprinkles is sick.
[aside to camera:]
Angela: She's been sick for some time. Thank you for asking. No one asks about Sprinkles.
[back:]
Angela: I have to give her her meds, I have to pet her. And who will she eat lunch with?
Pam: Can't your other cats keep her company?
Angela: There's bad blood. Jealousies, cliques.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Ugh. I hate hospitals. In my mind, they are associated with sickness.

Quote from Angela

Michael Scott: Alright, let's just go around the room, and tell me what you believe in.
Stanley: I'm a ... Catholic.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Darryl: Presbyterian.
Pam: Oh, me too.
Darryl: For real?
Pam: Same religion.
Phyllis: I'm a Lutheran, and bob is a Unitarian. It keeps things spicy.
Angela: That's why we're cursed.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: You ca not make me run. It is not a real charity. It's stupid, Michael and I'm not gonna do it.
Michael Scott: All right, all right.
Kevin: You didn't run for me when I thought I had skin cancer.
Michael Scott: I know that you're probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts.
Kevin: No.
Michael Scott: Okay. Well, back in olden times, a large, fat person like this was a person of power. A person who had money, who could buy food. A person of respect, like the regional manager of the day. Whereas someone athletic and trim like myself was somebody who worked in the fields, and I was a peasant.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts, is a vicious circle. You have sensitive nipples, they chafe. So they become more sensitive. So they chafe more. So I take precautions.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, everybody, listen up! Thank you for coming. Before we get started, I want to say a few words about this deadly disease called rabies. And I'd like you to take a look into the face of rabies. [revealing a poster of Meredith] That should scare you. It scares me. You people need to educate yourselves. Myth: three Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: four Americans every year die from rabies. How many of you know someone who has been afflicted or affected by rabies? Show of hands. One, two, three too many to count. It is truly the silent killer. No, it is the foaming, barking killer.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This is going be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protégé Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Andy and Dwight are rocking the sales team. I feel very blessed.
[As Jim pulls into his spot, he slams the breaks on as Meredith rolls across the hood of his car]

Quote from Pam

Sadiq: Generally it's not a good idea to click on any internet offers that you haven't requested. What was the exact offer?
Pam: It was for a video.
Sadiq: Yeah, well, what kind of video?
Pam: A celebrity sex tape.
Jim: Really? What kind of celebrity?
Pam: Not relevant.
Jim: How much you paid for it?
Pam: Not relevant.
Jim: You paid for it?
Pam: It all happened so fast!

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Are you kidding me? Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile. They're just keeping it a secret. Right?
Oscar: I don't know. There is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods. Could other things.
Kevin: Are you kidding me?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on the phone] So I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back.
Ryan: Back? Why is that, Michael?
Michael Scott: Well, I ran down Meredith in my car.
Ryan: Oh, no. Did you do this on purpose?
Michael Scott: No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital, she's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will-
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael Scott: Yes. It was on company property with company property, so... Double jeopardy, we are fine.
Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael Scott: Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is "we're fine"?

Quote from Angela

Angela: Hey, D.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey monkey, what's up?
Angela: Can you do me a favor? Go to my place and give Sprinkles her medicine?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sure.
Angela: I have to visit the alchie.
Dwight K. Schrute: Check to see if she's faking. If a car hit me, it wouldn't crack my pelvis. You know what? I bet she cracked it at home. Jumped in front of the car to get some worker's comp.
Angela: I wouldn't put it past her.
Dwight K. Schrute: So what do you need me to do?
Angela: I wrote it out. There's a diabetes shot. Roll the insulin in your hands, don't shake it. She gets an ace inhibitor with her meal. But you have to put her right in front of the dish, or she won't see it because of the cataracts. Mix one capsule of omega fatty acid in with her kidney medicine. And you wanna give that to her fifteen minutes after she's eaten. Oh, and there's a fungal cream, because she has this infection under her tail. So you're gonna have to lift her tail and put the cream right at the base of her tail.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: Hey.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, monkey.
Angela: Any problems?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, you left the TV on. And your cat is dead.
Angela: What?!
Dwight K. Schrute: Sparkles, the white one, is dead.
Angela: Sprinkles.
Dwight K. Schrute: That was the sick one, right?
Angela: Uh-huh. [sobbing] But I thought she had more time.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Angela: Did she look- When you saw her, how was she looking?
Dwight K. Schrute: Really dead. Like a, just a dead cat. So... Hey, come on. Don't be sad. Just- Okay? Just- She's in a better place.
Angela: All right.
Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, the place she's in is the freezer. Because of the odor.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? Everybody, let's just get over the whole Meredith thing. She cracked her pelvis. A tiny, little crack. And she's gonna be fine. So let just-
Pam: Michael, Angela's cat died.
Michael Scott: Sprinkles? Oh. I'm sorry, Angela. Man, what a day, huh? How could it get any worse? Her computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident, and then Sprinkles! God! That's three things. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed. And we need to do something about it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, I am taking responsibility. An it's up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious, but I'm I am a little stitious.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground?
Oscar: Like what?
Michael Scott: Like park on it. Or dig up a body. Toby? Do you have anything you wanna tell us?
Toby: No, I did not violate an Indian burial ground. In fact, I had some good luck recently. Alfredo's pizza picked my business card out of the basket, so I get a week of free pies.
Pam: That's cool.
Toby: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck. Satan.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: Sprinkles never hurt a soul. God, in your infinite wisdom, how can you do this? She wasn't ready. She had so much left to accomplish.
Dwight K. Schrute: It is only a cat.
Angela: You never- You don't like them.
Dwight K. Schrute: Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Dwight, you haven't seen Meredith?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, I have not.
Michael Scott: Well, I think you should go to the hospital and pay your respects.
Dwight K. Schrute: I do not respect her. But I will go.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity used to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical. [to Meredith] Blink once if you want me to pull the plug.
Meredith: Don't pull any plugs.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Intern: How are you doing, Miss Palmer?
Meredith: Better.
Intern: Excellent.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you a doctor or a male nurse?
Intern: I'm an intern, which makes me a doctor.
Dwight K. Schrute: Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy, but she did, or at least, she got time off for one.
Intern: Ah. So that is where her uterus went.

Quote from Meredith

Intern: Um, Miss Palmer. Your last tetanus shot was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago?
Meredith: Yes. Dwight here trapped it in a bag against my head.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just doing my job.
Intern: It also says you were recently bitten by a raccoon?
Meredith: And a rat. Separate occasions.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, and then you run over one person with your car. And it's not even one of the popular ones. Everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense. God is dead.
Kelly: If there was a God, then Ryan and I would be married by now.
Michael Scott: Maybe believing in God was a mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there's some sort of animal that we could make a sacrifice to. Like a giant buffalo. Or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just the head of a monkey with the antlers of a reindeer. With the body of a porcupine.
Jim: I will do some research.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Oh, well. If they aren't together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together. Like PB & J. Pam Beesly and Jim. What a waste. What a waste.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I told you I'm not dating anyone. And even if I was, I don't think it's anyone's business. I mean, when I do fall in love, like, when it's for real, the last person I'm gonna talk about it to is a camera crew or my coworkers. Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever wanna be. Trust me, when I fall in love, you'll know.

Quote from Angela

Angela: This is Sprinkles. She was my best friend. I kept her going through countless ailments. I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once, and she is now deceased. This is Halloween last year. Just a couple of kittens. Out on the town.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: We have raised almost $700, most of it from me and Jan. Um. When do they put that on the giant check? Or is that something that we write in later?
Pam: Well, a giant check costs about $200 to make up. I have a print shop standing by, but- What do you think, Michael? That's over 25% of our funds.
Michael Scott: Uh-huh. It's a tough decision. I always imagined it with a giant check.
Jim: Yeah, I mean, I personally am definitely on board for the giant check.
Pam: Giant check it is.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor. How's that going?
Pam: Not well. A doctor won't come out to collect a check for $700. Or $500 if we go with the giant check.
Michael Scott: Which we are.
Pam: And also, there is no such thing as a rabies doctor.
Michael Scott: How about a rabies nurse?
Pam: I don't think so.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I don't know. On the other hand, it does leave less money for bat birth control.
Jim: Bat birth control.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait. This money's going to bat birth control, right? That's what you told me when I contributed.
Michael Scott: You didn't contribute very much.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Maybe we should skip the ceremony and just set up a college fund for Meredith's son.
Michael Scott: Have you met that kid? He's not going to college.

Quote from Creed

Jan: Okay, name, please?
Creed: Creed Bratton, 75+ division.
Jan: You're over 75 years old?
Creed: 82 November 1st. How much is the prize money?
Jan: There's no prize money.
Creed: Well, is any of this real?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I would like you to accept this check for $340 made out to Science. Make sure that that gets into the right hands.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'm fast. I'm very fast. I'm like Forrest Gump, except I am not an idiot.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: Water, babe?
Michael Scott: No, no water for me. Not while rabies causes fear of water. Solidarity!
Jan: Michael, that's irrational!
Michael Scott: Rabies victims have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So least I could do.

Quote from Toby

Michael Scott: That fettuccine is hitting my stomach like a rock.
Dwight K. Schrute: You got nothing to worry about. I put Imodium in Toby's coffee before the race.
Michael Scott: Excellent! Simpsons! Wait, Imodium or ex-lax?
[cut to:]
Toby: I'm making great time. Usually I have to take a bathroom break halfway through a race like this, but not today.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You're feeling better?
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, you look cute as a button. You've worked up quite a sweat.
Angela: The vet's removing Sprinkles' organs right now and sending them to the lab.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am a farmer, Angela.
Angela: What does that mean?
Dwight K. Schrute: When a farmer sees an animal that is in pain, that has no quality of life, that has no utility, a farmer does what city folk don't have the stomach to do.
Angela: You did kill her! I-
Dwight K. Schrute: I sang her her favorite songs.
Angela: You put her in my freezer!
Dwight K. Schrute: It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep.
Angela: Then she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I'm not responsible for that-
Angela: You!
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, oww.
Angela: It's nothing!
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm robbing her!
Andy: It's nothing!
Dwight K. Schrute: It's nothing! It's fine!

Quote from Toby

Toby: And the winner is Toby Flenderson!
Kelly: Have a seat. I'll write it down.
Toby: Where are we?
Kelly: I don't know. Like five kilometers from the office.
Toby: He couldn't have made it circle?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am not going to finish. I can't beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies. Rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: What are you doing here? Did you come back for us or-
Michael Scott: I can't finish. I feel so weak. I just-
Jim: You're probably dehydrated.
Michael Scott: What do you want me to do, Jim?
Jim: A glass of water would be a start.
Michael Scott: No. There are people all over the world with all sorts of problems and afflictions and diseases. They're deformed and they're abnormal, and they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is bust. I can't do anything about it. I can't, you know- There's just one of me, and there's a thousand of them. And rabies wins.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Finishing that 5k was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more Fettuccine Alfredo and drank less water than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit. Today, I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart. And while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I'm very, very proud of that.


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