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56Quotes from ‘Women's Appreciation’

The Office: Women's Appreciation

322. Women's Appreciation

Aired May 3, 2007

After Phyllis is the victim of a flasher in the company car park, Michael decides to host a meeting on women's appreciation. As Dwight searches for the perp, Michael heads to the mall with the women of Dunder Mufflin.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I wish I could menstruate. [aside to camera:] If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall, and I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela a heart and for Kelly a brain. Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them? You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Oh, what's this?
Dwight K. Schrute: That is a demerit.
Jim: "Jim Halpert. Tardiness." Oh. I love it, already.
Dwight K. Schrute: You've got to learn, Jim. You are a second in command, but that does not put you above the law.
Jim: Oh, I understand. And I also have lots of questions. Like, what does a demerit mean?
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Jim: Lay it on me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Three demerits, and you'll receive a citation.
Jim: Now, that sounds serious.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, it is serious. Five citations, and you're looking at a violation. Four of those, and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that will land you in a world of hurt, in the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me, and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim: Which would be me.
Dwight K. Schrute: ... That is correct.
Jim: Okay. I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full desaggelation.
Dwight K. Schrute: What's a- What's that?
Jim: Oh, you don't want to know.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: The employees of this office are very small and delicate. Deserve protection from local pervs. Better a thousand innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free.

Quote from Michael Scott

Karen: Look, it's really simple. We just want you guys to treat us with respect.
Michael Scott: See? That's what we're talking about. Did you hear that, Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. Did you hear that, Michael?
Michael Scott: No, Dwight. Respect. R- E-S-P-C-T. Find out what it means to me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Let's face it. Most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're cavemen. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing eight-inch heels. And to be wearing see-through underpants. But for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Malls are just awful and humiliating. They're just store after store of these horrible sales people making a big fuss out of an adult shopping in a junior section. There are petite adults who are sort of smaller who need to wear, maybe, a kids' size 10.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Okay. I'm gonna be at the doll store. [aside to camera:] Sometimes the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So, I am forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.

Quote from Creed

Creed: The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss? [aside to camera:] If that's flashing, then lock me up.

Quote from Phyllis

Jim: The police are on it. They say they've already had three calls.
Pam: Can you tell us what happened?
Phyllis: I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions. And he was holding a map. And when I walked over, he had it out on the map.
Angela: Phyllis. You're a married woman.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: In all the excitement, I forgot that my primary goal is to keep people safe. Women can't have fun if they don't feel safe. For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time, she pretended she didn't hear me.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: I am sick over this thing. Those people out there are clearly afraid. And that can't happen. Not in my house.
Dwight K. Schrute: Agreed. Let me show you what I've been working on. There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert.
Michael Scott: This is the last thing that Phyllis needs to see right now, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Look at that one.
Michael Scott: Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Attention, everybody. Dwight has something he would like to say.
Dwight K. Schrute: Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis, a man, a map, and his penis, I think you know what I'm referring to, Michael has authorized me to form an emergency anti-flashing task force.
Jim: Question. Won't that interfere with your other task forces?
Dwight K. Schrute: Answer. No, because this is being given priority one. This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know what you're thinking. Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Pam. You can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community?
Pam: Phallus?
Dwight K. Schrute: Phyllis. Sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I don't often miss Roy, but I can tell you one thing. I wish someone had flashed me when I was with Roy. Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year. Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's- Whoo, I'm- I am saying a lot of things.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay. You know something, Dwight? We are not the terrorists. Why don't you just take these women, put them in a burlap sack, and hit them with a stick? Because that's what you're doing. I celebrate these women. They deserve the right to dress as they please. If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? Why doesn't Oscar run the meeting? He's a homosexual.
Jim: Why don't you run the meeting? You play with dolls.
Dwight K. Schrute: Those are collectible action figures. And they're worth more than your car.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael: So, what I want to engage us in today is a hardcore discussion about women's problems and issues and situations. Magazines and TV shows and movies portray women as skinny, tall goddesses. Well, look around. Are women like that? No. No, they are not. Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny. So, what does that say? That says that you women are up against it. And it is criminal. Society doesn't care. Society sucks. I don't even consider myself a part of society. F.Y.I. Because I am so angry over all of this.
Angela: If it were up to me, you ladies would be the fashion models.
Kevin: Yes, Andy. Then, the fashion models could come here and work with me.
Karen: What you're saying is extremely misogynistic.
Michael Scott: Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And it proves my point. Women can do anything.
Karen: I'm saying that you're being sexist.
Michael Scott: No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.
Karen: That's the same thing.

Quote from Karen

Karen: Frankly, it's kind of insulting. But I have a bunch of stuff I need to return in my car, so I can do that.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I plan on plastering this pervert's face everywhere. You can run, but you cannot hide.

Quote from Ryan

Toby: Hey, where did you decide to take Karen tonight?
Jim: Anna Maria's.
Ryan: What's the occasion?
Jim: Six-month anniversary. What?
Ryan: Nothing. I think, we all kind of thought you guys were just, like, hooking up.
Jim: No. We've been dating for six months.
Ryan: She might mention an e-mail that I wrote a while back.
Jim: Oh, right. I remember that one. She read it to me. She said she's not really ready to date somebody in the office, but she really likes you as a friend.
Ryan: I figured. That's cool. I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship, anyway.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay. So. Let's dish.
Pam: What do you want to dish about?
Michael Scott: Anything you guys want. This is your time. [silence] Mmm. What is a Pap smear? Or is it shmear, like cream cheese?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What, um- What do you think of role-play?
Phyllis: It can be fun.
Michael Scott: Yeah? Well, Jan has this schoolgirl fantasy.
Karen: That's a pretty common one.
Michael Scott: I just I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Read the pros first.
Michael Scott: Okay. "Jan is smart, successful. Good clothes. Hot. Perfect skin. Nice butt."
Phyllis: She does have very nice clothes.
Karen: Okay, okay. Cons?
Michael Scott: Cons. "Wears too much makeup. Breasts not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested."
Pam: What was the last one?
Michael Scott: She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles.
Pam: No. The one before that.
Michael Scott: "I'm unhappy when I'm with her."
Pam: Michael. You shouldn't be with someone who doesn't make you happy.
Michael Scott: I'm happy sometimes. When we scrapbook. Or right towards the end of having sex.

Quote from Michael Scott

Karen: Look, most relationships have their rough patches. You just have to push through it sometimes.
Michael Scott: Yeah. That's smart.
Pam: Maybe. But it sounds like you're just wrong for each other.
Michael Scott: That sounds good, too. I don't know who's right. I just don't. I don't know. I don't know.
Phyllis: I bet you know. Don't think. Just answer. What do you want to do about Jan?
Michael Scott: I want to break up with Jan. Wow! I want to break up with Jan.
Phyllis: My mom taught me that.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Wow! I cannot believe this yogurt has no calories.
Pam: No one said it has no calories.

Quote from Toby

Kevin: This is so great, huh? We should do this much more often.
Toby: I think we hang out an appropriate amount of time.

Quote from Creed

Creed: I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times, and I have paid dearly.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [to Angela] You don't want anything? My treat. Some panties, or- Like, a thong or G- string, T-back? Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through? Push-up? Lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Anything. It's just- You know what? I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Think we'll find him?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, I do. Because justice never rests.
Andy: Halvsies?
Dwight K. Schrute: No. Wholesies.
Andy: Listen, man. I really appreciate you letting me shadow you today. I feel like I learned a lot.
Dwight K. Schrute: Natch.
Andy: Yep. If you don't mind, I think I'll hang up some of these posters around my neighborhood, schools, post office, et cetera.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know? I may have underestimated you. You're not a total ass. [choking on candy bar]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I love you guys. No, I'm getting her voicemail.
Pam: Don't leave a-
Michael Scott: [on the phone] Hey, Jan. It's me. Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break. Permanently. And, I know everybody says this, but I want to remain friends. Or, at least, business associates who get along. Oh. Just so you know, it's not me. It's you. [Jan walks in] Okay, buddy. Somebody just walked in. I have to go. Um. So, I'll talk to you later.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: Michael. I was- I was really unhappy with our conversation earlier. And I- I just- I couldn't stop thinking about it, so I decided that I would drive down here and apologize to you in person. So... I'm sorry.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Jan: So, we're good?
Michael Scott: Abso-fruitly.
Jan: [phone vibrates] Oh. Hold on. Sorry.
Michael Scott: No.
Jan: Wait a second. Oh. It's from you. [as message begins to play] Want to grab some dinner?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Maybe some Italian. Chinese?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Anti-flashing task force! Above the sink. Above the sink. ... Pam!

Quote from Jim

Pam: Hey, Phyllis. Are you all right?
Phyllis: I think I just got flashed.
Pam: What? Really?
Phyllis: In the parking lot.
Pam: Oh, my God.
Dwight K. Schrute: Move!
Jim: Okay, I'll call the real police.

Quote from Andy

Andy: What happened? What can I do to help? Okay. I'll check the web.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What's happening?
Pam: Oh, some guy exposed himself to Phyllis in the parking lot.
Michael Scott: Really? Is she okay?
Pam: Yeah. Bob Vance took her for a walk to calm down.
Michael Scott: Okay. [laughing] Phyllis, you say?
Angela: What is so funny?
Michael Scott: Um. I mean, did he even see Pam? Or, Karen from behind?
Kevin: I'm guessing not.
Michael Scott: [laughing] I'm sorry. It's pretty funny when you think about it.
Jim: Not really. No.
Pam: It's disgusting and demeaning.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. Masters of comedy, a guy dropped his pants. Have you ever been to the circus? Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: Hey, what's going on? There's a police car in the- [Toby sees Michael with his finger protruding from his fly] What? What's going on?
Michael Scott: Oh, Phyllis got flashed. So... [laughing]
Toby: I don't think laughing about it is an appropriate response.
Michael Scott: Oh, come on. We're laughing at Phyllis but she's not even here. So, no harm, no foul.
Toby: I don't think the women in this office-
Michael Scott: Incidentally, where were you during all of this? Maybe you're the flasher.
Toby: I was at a parent-teacher conference.
Michael Scott: Uh-huh, Prove it. Let's see your penis. I- You know- As that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong.

Quote from Jan

Jan: [on the phone] Michael, come over after work tonight, okay? I miss your body.
Michael Scott: I don't know. I feel I drive a lot. I'm spending a fortune on gas and tools.
Jan: Okay. I'll give you $200. And if I get up before you, I'll leave it on the dresser.
Michael Scott: That I don't know. That makes me kind of uncomfortable.
Jan: $300?
Michael Scott: Well- I don't know.
Jan: Look, whatever. Just let my assistant know if you're coming over so he can get more vodka. Okay? Hunter, are you on?
Hunter: You got it, Jan.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Phyllis: I didn't really get a good look.
Pam: That's okay. I don't feel like answering phones.
Karen: Hey, did you guys see this memo that Dwight sent out? "Women will be sent home if they wear makeup or heels exceeding one-quarter inch. Females are not allowed to speak to strangers unless given written authorization by Dwight Schrute." This is ridiculous.
Dwight K. Schrute: Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen.
Karen: Dwight, this memo that you distributed is insulting.
Dwight K. Schrute: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Pam: "Sleeves down to the wrists"? "Button-up collars and muted colors." Nobody dresses like that.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: All right. You know what? That's it. Conference room. Five minutes. Women's appreciation.
Jim: Wait a second. How are you qualified for that?
Michael Scott: Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?
Dwight K. Schrute: Less than three.
Michael Scott: That is not current.

Quote from Meredith

Michael Scott: You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. [later:] I know the crap out of women. I would like to apologize for all the men who thought this was a laughing matter.
Creed: Are we still discussing this? I say again, what is the big deal?
Michael Scott: Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited.
Meredith: I don't remember doing that.
Angela: What a surprise.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: My point is- My point is- A penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.
Dwight K. Schrute: Alien.
Michael Scott: What? Shut it. Shut up. Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Phyllis: Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Phyllis: When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian.
Michael Scott: Because- Wh- That was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.
Angela: And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods.
Michael Scott: I have to know whether you're serious or not.

Quote from Michael Scott

Angela: This is not work talk.
Michael Scott: You're right. You're right. And you know why? It's because of where we are. This is a masculine environment. We need to find a place where you feel comfortable. You know where we're gonna go? Steamtown Mall.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay! Let's go, ladies of Dunder Mifflin. Hey, we should have a calendar printed up. Pam, put that in my good idea folder.

Quote from Meredith

Angela: Meredith, slow down! We're not gonna get there any faster if we're dead.
Meredith: Thanks. I know how to drive.
Pam: Oh. Yeah. You really shouldn't litter.
Meredith: My car. My rules.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Hey, Jim. You want to go in the women's bathroom?
Jim: No. Thank you, though.
Kevin: You aren't curious?
Jim: Not really. I've seen a bathroom before.
Kevin: Yeah, but, it's every guy's fantasy.
Jim: I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it.
Kevin: Yeah. I'm going in.
Jim: Go crazy.
Kevin: Oh, my God.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I really appreciate your letting me work alongside you so closely today.
Dwight K. Schrute: Of course you do, moonface. That's because you're a preppy freak, you're the office pariah, and nobody likes you. So, start hanging these all around the building.
Andy: This guy looks like a real deviant.
Dwight K. Schrute: No duh. That's why we've got to catch him. Start hanging those.
Andy: Aye, aye, Captain.
Dwight K. Schrute: More like, aye, aye, General.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I don't think she's gonna make it. Don't think she's gonna make it!
Meredith: [screeching sound] It's a little too tight. I'm gonna find another spot.
Michael Scott: [to camera] Many women are competent drivers.

Quote from Kelly

Pam: Okay. New topic. Kelly, how are things with Ryan?
Kelly: Um. Awesome. Awful, I mean. But, sometimes awesome.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Michael, you shouldn't do anything that you're uncomfortable with.
Michael Scott: Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing. I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex.
Pam: Oh, my God.
Michael Scott: And then, watching it back right afterward to improve my form.
Karen: That is not healthy behavior.
Michael Scott: No. It's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [outside Victoria's Secret] Oh, hey, guys. I want to do something nice for you, because you did something so nice for me earlier. I want you to go in there. I want you to buy one item, on me. As a thank you. Come on. Get in here.

Quote from Creed

Creed: What are you doing in here? This is the woman's room.
Kevin: You're in here.
Creed: I pay for that privilege.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I'm kind of in between boyfriends right now, so I don't need anything sexy. But I do need some new hand towels. I figure I can cut up this robe.

Quote from Pam

Pam: You know? I changed a tire today. All by myself. This bathrobe's already coming in handy. [car honks] Coming!

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Dunder Mifflin Paper / Sex Predator Hotline. This is Dwight Schrute.
Jim: Hey, Dwight. It's Jim.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, what are you doing? I'm busy.
Jim: No. You're not. I'm looking right at you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ugh. I'm hanging up.
Jim: Don't. I have information about the sex predator.
Dwight K. Schrute: You have information about the sex predator?
Jim: I saw him two minutes ago.
Dwight K. Schrute: Where?
Jim: In the women's bathroom, above the sink.


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