Dwight K. Schrute: I wish I could menstruate. [aside to camera:] If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

Michael Scott: Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall, and I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela a heart and for Kelly a brain. Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them? You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.

Karen: Look, it's really simple. We just want you guys to treat us with respect.
Michael Scott: See? That's what we're talking about. Did you hear that, Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. Did you hear that, Michael?
Michael Scott: No, Dwight. Respect. R- E-S-P-C-T. Find out what it means to me.

Michael Scott: Let's face it. Most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're cavemen. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing eight-inch heels. And to be wearing see-through underpants. But for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.

Jim: Oh, what's this?
Dwight K. Schrute: That is a demerit.
Jim: "Jim Halpert. Tardiness." Oh. I love it, already.
Dwight K. Schrute: You've got to learn, Jim. You are a second in command, but that does not put you above the law.
Jim: Oh, I understand. And I also have lots of questions. Like, what does a demerit mean?
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Jim: Lay it on me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Three demerits, and you'll receive a citation.
Jim: Now, that sounds serious.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, it is serious. Five citations, and you're looking at a violation. Four of those, and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that will land you in a world of hurt, in the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me, and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim: Which would be me.
Dwight K. Schrute: ... That is correct.
Jim: Okay. I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full desaggelation.
Dwight K. Schrute: What's a- What's that?
Jim: Oh, you don't want to know.

Dwight K. Schrute: The employees of this office are very small and delicate. Deserve protection from local pervs. Better a thousand innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free.

Angela: Malls are just awful and humiliating. They're just store after store of these horrible sales people making a big fuss out of an adult shopping in a junior section. There are petite adults who are sort of smaller who need to wear, maybe, a kids' size 10.

Angela: Okay. I'm gonna be at the doll store. [aside to camera:] Sometimes the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So, I am forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.

Jim: The police are on it. They say they've already had three calls.
Pam: Can you tell us what happened?
Phyllis: I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions. And he was holding a map. And when I walked over, he had it out on the map.
Angela: Phyllis. You're a married woman.

Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? Why doesn't Oscar run the meeting? He's a homosexual.
Jim: Why don't you run the meeting? You play with dolls.
Dwight K. Schrute: Those are collectible action figures. And they're worth more than your car.