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‘Product Recall’ Quotes

The Office: Product Recall

321. Product Recall

Aired April 26, 2007

Michael leads the Scranton branch through a crisis after a disgruntled paper mill employee puts an obscene watermark on Dunder Mifflin's paper.

Quote from Jim

[Jim arrives for work wearing glasses, a side-parting hair cut, and a pale yellow shirt:]
Jim: It's kind of blurry. That's better. Question, what kind of bear is best?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
Jim: Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bears do not- What is going on? What are you doing?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Four dollars. And it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the ensemble and that's a grand total of $11.
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. So I thank you. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim: Michael!
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, that's funny. Michael!

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat. Couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: First rule in roadside beet sales, put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, "Wow. I need this beet right now." Those are the money beets.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Here's the thing, when a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That's what happened to O.J.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24-pound cream letter stock. Five-hundred boxes has gone out with the image of a beloved cartoon duck performing unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Yes. Hello. Creed Bratton, quality assurance, Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn't there, and I'm trying to remember who it was. Who wasn't there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday the 11th. Perfect.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did when I was a homeless man.

Quote from Creed

Creed: I got a farewell card for Debbie Brown. I thought maybe you'd like to sign it. Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there. Unfortunately, she's got some children.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: I feel terrible about Debbie Brown.She got fired because of Dwight. So I thought I'd pass around a goodbye card. Maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks to help her through these difficult times. Why do bad things always happen to the good people? [Creed pockets the money and throws the card away] It's tragic. It is just tragic.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes! You are entering the no-spin zone!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

[Dwight arrives at the office dressed like Jim]
Dwight K. Schrute: Pam.
Pam: Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today.
Dwight K. Schrute: I look like an idiot! Hey, Karen.
Karen: Hey, Dwight. Looking sharp.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, that's 'cause I'm your boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen. Wanna get together later and have sexual intercourse 'cause you're my girlfriend?
Jim: Do you?
Karen: No. Okay. I'm good. Thanks.
Jim: Look at that.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm Jim Halpert.
Jim: Spot on.
Dwight K. Schrute: A little comment.

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: Where is Creed? Creed.
Creed: Here.
Michael Scott: Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on this one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Mrs. Allen is our most important client. Because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There is no way I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember, it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word.
You have one day.
Pam: One day for what?
Michael Scott: That's- They always give an ultimatum.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Everybody in here, stat. No time to lose. Cri-man squa, F and C, double-time.
Dwight K. Schrute: "Cri-man squa"?
Michael Scott: Crisis management squad.
Ryan: "F and C, double-time"?
Michael Scott: Front and center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?
Jim: One more. Why are you talking like that?
Michael Scott: To save time, Jim.
Karen: Actually, I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.
Pam: Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it-

Quote from Angela

Michael Scott: Don't worry. Kelly will be training you first.
Angela: Kelly's training us?
[later, individually to camera:]
Kelly: This day is bananas B- A-N-A-N-A-S This day is bananas B- A-N-A-
Angela: I don't have a headache.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here and meet with me for a personal apology. The press wants a story? I will give them a story.
Jim: Oh, did the press ask for a story?
Michael Scott: Here is your headline, "Scranton Area Paper Company Dunder Mifflin Apologizes to Valued Client." "Some Companies Still Know How Business is Done." Okay? Battle stations, everybody! Let's go! Go! Go, go, go, go, go!

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So give yourselves a round of applause.
[Kevin claps]
Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls.
Kelly: I know, right? Probably a lot.

Quote from Kelly

Angela: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?
Kelly: Okay, Angela, I love your enthusiasm! All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say, "Customer service, this is Kelly." Except don't say, "Kelly." Say your own name. Or if you're bored, you could just make up a name. Like, one time, I said I was Bridget Jones and [British accent] I talked like this for the whole conversation.
Kevin: [Australian accent] Oh! Can I be Australian, mate?
Kelly: Absolutely!
Kevin: Hello, mate!
Kelly: I like ice cream. I need a boyfriend.
Kevin: I like ice cream, too, mate! Alligators. Dingo babies.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Lord, beer me strength.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hello, Dwight Schrute.
Chad Lite: Hi.
Dwight K. Schrute: And you must be from the Washington Post.
Chad Lite: Scranton Times. Chad Lite, Lighter Side of Life.
Dwight K. Schrute: And breaking corporate news.
Chad Lite: And obits.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, dear God. Okay. Here are your credentials. You've been granted level three security clearance. Don't get too excited. That's out of 20. Right this way. Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the pressroom shortly. Have a seat. Can I get you a beverage?
Chad Lite: Yeah, I'd like a-
Dwight K. Schrute: Great.

Quote from Creed

Creed: When I went over Wednesday for the spot-check, I get a call from Debbie Brown saying she has an emergency dentist appointment.
Dwight K. Schrute: Emergency dentist appointment?
Creed: Now, I'm told she told her manager she had the flu. I'm a trusting guy, but I just wish Debbie Brown had been there. We would've caught this.

Quote from Angela

Kelly: Ask where he's from.
Angela: [on the phone] Where are you from? Ohio? That's nice. So what do you want? [to Kelly] He's upset about the watermark.
Kelly: Okay, great. Now, just tell him that it was an unfortunate error and we are doing everything we can do to fix it and that you're sorry.
Angela: It was an unfortunate error. We're fixing it. And you already got your money back.
Kelly: And you're sorry.
Angela: And the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. [hanging up] I think he had Tourette's or something!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: We are going to do everything humanly possible to ensure that this never happens again.
Mrs. Allen: Well, it doesn't help. Because it already happened to me.
Michael Scott: The watermark, it's a one-time thing.
Mrs. Allen: I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?
Dwight K. Schrute: May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
Michael Scott: Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello, I am Michael Scott, regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. By now, you're probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team to remove me from this office and maybe not even then.
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team.
Michael Scott: That's how devoted I am to this job.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm just saying-
Michael Scott: I know.
Dwight K. Schrute: They would flank you, throw in a concussion grenade.
Michael Scott: I understand that, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: You'd be on the ground-
Michael Scott: Do you think you're taking it a little-
Dwight K. Schrute: blind, deaf, dumb.
Michael Scott: -literally, Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: If you wanted to be-
Michael Scott: And now we're wasting tape. I'm going to have to cut this all out.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This is a keystone account. I want you in the school in person.
Jim: All right.
Michael Scott: I want you to bring a partner.
Ryan: I'll go.
Michael Scott: No, sweet cheeks. We need somebody who's actually made a sale.
Angela: Andy, you go. William Dolittle at your service, a.k.a. Will Do.
Jim: Yeah, I'm definitely going to go alone.
Michael Scott: No! No! I need two men on this! That's what she said. No time! But she did. No time! Guys!


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