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‘Lice’ Quotes

The Office: Lice

910. Lice

Aired January 10, 2013

Pam lets Meredith take the fall when there's an outbreak of lice at the office. Meanwhile, Jim is in Philadelphia for his new job, and Darryl breaks up with Val.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: No. No, that is not all. Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are from collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you never even wore. You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, "You're all you need". One day, you're alone, tired. At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because in some strange way it is you?

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine.
Pam: Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just lice, Pam?
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: Hey, what do you want? I know who I am. Nobody's taking Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Phyllis: What are you wearing?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazardous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? [Phyllis, Kevin, Darryl and Nellie raise their hands] Excellent. You have your own hazmat suits?
Nellie: No.
Kevin: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Renters! Okay, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch.

Quote from Jim

Kevin: To me, the Sixers are a five seed tops.
Jim: I think they're going to the conference finals. Bynum, obvious monster and the three point shooting, don't even-... [Jim bites his lip]
[aside to camera:]
Jim: I bit my lip at lunch today.
[back:]
Darryl: Sucks. Anyway, I just don't see it. The Knicks are tough. The Nets are tough.
Kevin: Oh, the Nets are super tough.
[to camera:]
Jim: Now I have this big bump in my lip that hurts. I hate it.
[back:]
Kevin: The Hawks are terrible. They're always terrible.
Jim: Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the... [Jim bites his lip again and pounds on table]
[to camera:]
Jim: Whatever. It's not a big deal. You know I always tell my three year old, if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen...[Jim bites his lip again] You gotta be kidding me! Okay! Pam! That's it, I'm going home!

Quote from Erin

Meredith: Hurry up already.
Erin: Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.

Quote from Nellie

Darryl: Alright, we're going down to my warehouse, that means we're playing by my rules. No messing with the baler and be cool in front of me and Val. We just broke up.
Phyllis: You got dumped?
Darryl: Yeah, she ended things.
Nellie: Breakups are the worst. The only thing that got me through mine was large amounts of shepherd's pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: Who's the one who didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Year's. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 seconds to evacuate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains Piperonyl Butoxide, as well as... [Dwight drops the grenade, smoke fills Andy's office]
Erin: Dwight, are you okay!?
Dwight K. Schrute: Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple. [Dwight collapses to the floor]
Erin: Wow. He got to purple.

Quote from Pam

Erin: Morning, Meredith.
Pam: What?
Erin: Oh, sorry, Pam. Yikes.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly and I'm not gonna lie, it's been challenging. Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I found out Cece has lice. So I was up all night disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house. I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure and he's doing it all for the family.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Irving, famed 76er and my own personal hero. But i have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face because let's be honest, how would I feel if I was at home stuck with the kids while she was go carting with John Stamos.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Me and Val were going nowhere and if I'm gonna be working in Philly, I'm gonna need my freedom. So, I convinced Val to breakup with me. Here's how you do it. You say, "What are you gonna do, breakup with me?" Like it's a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Hey, Meredith, I need your supplier requests today.
Meredith: Jeez H. in the morning. Will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you.
Pam: He didn't leave me. He just went part time. [Meredith scratches her head vigorously] Can you just fill out the form please?
Meredith: Yes.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: I'm sure she's just confused. People scratch their heads when they're confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Make way, nope, inspect me.
Erin: Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen. You are all clear.
Dwight K. Schrute: Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning. [starts spraying everyone with disinfectant]

Quote from Angela

Angela: Geez, Meredith, you know, this is an office not one of your bean bag orgies.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee. Apparently, none of that is protection enough. Not when it comes to Meredith.

Quote from Meredith

Pam: Hey, Meredith, I need to tell you something.
Meredith: [shaving her head] Yes, Pam what do you want?
Pam: Oh my God! Meredith, what are you doing!?
Meredith: Baking a cake. What does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice.
Pam: Oh, stop! I am so sorry!
Meredith: Oh, can you hold that thought? That's my wax. You know, I think these critters migrated from down south. What were you saying?

Quote from Erin

Erin: Okay, nobody panic. If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald. Not that it looks bad, Meredith. It looks... It looks awesome. You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it. I'm so sorry. We need mayonnaise! We need it now.

Quote from Creed

Pam: Hey, Creed, wanna be my buddy?
Creed: Oh God. Stuck with the weirdo.

Quote from Kevin

Val: Thank you all for your concern, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay?
Kevin: So does this mean you're gonna take Darryl back?
Val: No.
Kevin: Well, then, what do you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally forever.
[aside to camera:]
Val: Yeah, Kevin asked me out. I was kinda feeling good about reentering the dating pool, but then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out.

Quote from Meredith

Pam: [answering phone] Hello?
Helene: [on speaker phone] Hi, honey, it's mom. Look, Cece's school just called. She still has lice.
Pam: What? No. That can't- I don't...
Helene: Now, don't worry, don't worry. I'm on my way to pick her up, but you might have lice too. You know, lice can be tricky. Sometimes lice, like... [Pam eventually hangs up]
Angela: Oh my God.
Meredith: Shave her head. Shave her head!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan, but lice if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere. [After Dwight gets into his car, another insecticide grenade goes off]


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