Angela: Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine.
Pam: Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just lice, Pam?
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7.

Nellie: No. No, that is not all. Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are from collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you never even wore. You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, "You're all you need". One day, you're alone, tired. At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because in some strange way it is you?

Meredith: Hey, what do you want? I know who I am. Nobody's taking Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen.

Phyllis: What are you wearing?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazardous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? [Phyllis, Kevin, Darryl and Nellie raise their hands] Excellent. You have your own hazmat suits?
Nellie: No.
Kevin: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Renters! Okay, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch.

Meredith: Hurry up already.
Erin: Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.

Darryl: Alright, we're going down to my warehouse, that means we're playing by my rules. No messing with the baler and be cool in front of me and Val. We just broke up.
Phyllis: You got dumped?
Darryl: Yeah, she ended things.
Nellie: Breakups are the worst. The only thing that got me through mine was large amounts of shepherd's pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink.

Kevin: To me, the Sixers are a five seed tops.
Jim: I think they're going to the conference finals. Bynum, obvious monster and the three point shooting, don't even-... [Jim bites his lip]
[aside to camera:]
Jim: I bit my lip at lunch today.
[back:]
Darryl: Sucks. Anyway, I just don't see it. The Knicks are tough. The Nets are tough.
Kevin: Oh, the Nets are super tough.
[to camera:]
Jim: Now I have this big bump in my lip that hurts. I hate it.
[back:]
Kevin: The Hawks are terrible. They're always terrible.
Jim: Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the... [Jim bites his lip again and pounds on table]
[to camera:]
Jim: Whatever. It's not a big deal. You know I always tell my three year old, if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen...[Jim bites his lip again] You gotta be kidding me! Okay! Pam! That's it, I'm going home!

Meredith: Who's the one who didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Year's. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.

Dwight K. Schrute: Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 seconds to evacuate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains Piperonyl Butoxide, as well as... [Dwight drops the grenade, smoke fills Andy's office]
Erin: Dwight, are you okay!?
Dwight K. Schrute: Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple. [Dwight collapses to the floor]
Erin: Wow. He got to purple.

Darryl: Me and Val were going nowhere and if I'm gonna be working in Philly, I'm gonna need my freedom. So, I convinced Val to breakup with me. Here's how you do it. You say, "What are you gonna do, breakup with me?" Like it's a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight.