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‘Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager’ Quotes

The Office: Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager

724. Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager

Aired May 12, 2011

The employees bristle as Dwight takes over as acting manager, but an accident soon puts his leadership on the backfoot.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life. Because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin. Acting Manager.

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Quote from Jim

Jim: If I had thought that there was a real chance that Dwight would be permanent manager, I would have pre-quit. And you might be saying to yourself, "Well that's pretty premature to think," but I always say, it's better to be pre-pre-preprepared.

Quote from Toby

Toby: [excitedly] Oh, I should get the accident report binder. I've never used the gun violence forms before.

Quote from Jim

Jim: So as it turns out, unless you're a young child or a prison inmate, you don't need anyone supervising you. People just come in and do their work on their schedule. Imagine that, people like us allowed to sell paper. Unsupervised. And yet, somehow it works. It must be because the stakes are so high.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Dwight has been acting manager for three months now. No. A week. Just feels like three months. Let's see, we all have to punch in to a time clock, which is very old, very strong, and has a slot about the size of a finger. We were all given new business cards big enough to set us apart from the competition, which is how I learned that our titles are all now Junior Employee. Our lunch breaks are staggered to prevent wasting time. Mine's at 10:30, and I find that the first hour of the day goes by a lot quicker than the second seven hours.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: So I expect you to be on your best behavior, which means none of you will be insubordinate, nor will you foment insurrection.
Jim: Question, if we already fomented insurrection, may we be grandfathered in?
Dwight K. Schrute: Define foment.
Jim: You define foment.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Wow, you've really embraced the whole Bond villain aesthetic.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ah, Jim, Jim, Jim. The gun is a Beaumont-Adams. Jo collects them. I thought we could have some nice small talk about it. And the piranha's a rescue.
Jim: And the desk?
Dwight K. Schrute: The desk is a replica of Uday Hussein's desk. I saw a picture in Newsweek.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Dwight, I would like tomorrow off so that I can go on my American Idol audition.
Dwight K. Schrute: American Idol? What? No.
Kelly: Okay. I guess I can just not go. Do you guys wanna hear my solo?
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Kelly: [singing] Why did my temporary boss go on a shooting spree?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, fine. You can go on your singing audition.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing? What's this? What's the Fist?
Jim: Oh, it's just a social club. You know, like the French Revolution, or the Black Panthers, or communism. It's just a club. Guys talking, you know.
Dwight K. Schrute: You expect me to believe that you're starting a rebellion?
Jim: Nope. Social club. God, I hate when everybody calls us a rebellion. [Darryl enters and raises his fist, Jim copies]
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, you know what? I would love to join The Fist.
Jim: And we would love to have you. But not today. Unfortunately, it's a bad day. What with Operation Overthrow and everything. But I have noted it.

Quote from Toby

Toby: I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this? [all raise their hands]
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, really?
Toby: Would you consider this a terrorist incident?
Ryan: I felt terrorized.
Dwight K. Schrute: Come on.
Toby: Oh, there's a whole 'nother terrorism booklet for that.

Quote from Kevin

Phyllis: Okay, well, then I want an extra vacation day.
Angela: Pet Day! I want Pet Day back, no dogs.
Kevin: Put back everything in the vending machine except the fruit.
Dwight K. Schrute: I put everything back in the vending machine.
Kevin: Put everything back in the vending machine except... the fruit.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I'm taking a break from dating. Gabe was a great guy with so many wonderful qualities, but it was a challenge being touched by him.

Quote from Jo

Jo: Hey, all! Cornelius, Bobo, have at it. Nobody let my dogs hump each other. They don't seem to know they're brothers.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hello, Jo. Welcome. Well, shall we begin?
Jo: Slow yourself down there. Just like a man. Wants to jump right into it while I still got my socks on.

Quote from Creed

Kevin: No food now? Someone has to do something about Dwight!
Creed: He put some snacks in the freezer for us.
Pam: You mean the frozen mice for the piranha?
Creed: No. The blueberry Slurpee pouch.
Phyllis: He means the ice pack.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: We could get Deangelo flowers.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, you can't get flowers for someone who's in a coma. They'll wilt before he wakes up.
Phyllis: Yeah, that's true.
Jim: All in favor of the baskets full of chocolates, teddy bears, and balloons?
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, wait. All in favor of the knapsack filled with canned goods, chainsaw, gasoline, and emergency radio in case he wakes up post-apocalypse?
Jim: Nope. Baskets have it.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [on the phone] Well, I really appreciate the offer, but I'm just happy the way things are. Okay. Thank you. [to Pam] That was Jo, asking me if I wanted to take over as acting manager while they find a replacement. I told her... I don't want to mess this up, right? There's a consensus, people are happy.
Dwight K. Schrute: [answering phone] Dwight Schrute. Yes, I would. Thank you. [hangs up] Jordan, gather my things from my desk. [Dwight walks to the manager's office, rubs the door frame, sits at the desk reverently]
Jim: Wait...
Pam: What have you done?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Mose, you'll never guess where I am right now.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

All: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation...
All but Oscar: ...under God...
All: ...indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Angela: Amen.
Dwight K. Schrute: Excellent. Morning announcements: There's been a problem with some people sharing copier codes. Your copier code is a distinct 21-digit number that is unique to you, and you only, okay? Don't share it. Jo Bennett, our CEO, will be here today for a high-level meeting involving Gabe and myself.
Erin: Ooh, about what?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's on a need-to-know basis.
Erin: I thought I needed to know for your calendar.
Dwight K. Schrute: [quietly] General meet-and-greet.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [surprising Kelly] Aha!
Kelly: Oh my God, what is wrong with you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Gotcha! Why are you late?
Kelly: It's none of your business, actually. It's very medical and personal.
Dwight K. Schrute: All right. You stop me when I reach the diseased area. [Dwight points to her legs and slowly raises his finger up, stopping at her mid-section]

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Listen, I'm a very busy man. Let's get right down to business.
Jim: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me that you'll be on your best behavior.
Jim: I promised other people that I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave them my word, so...
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't make me fire you.
Jim: You can't fire me. You're acting manager. Not office manager. So you have no firing powers.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't make me pre-fire you.
Jim: You wouldn't dare.
Dwight K. Schrute: Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when I'm promoted, you'll be full fired.
Jim: [quietly] If you get promoted, and if you haven't fallen in love with me by then.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: My God. There is a hardwood floor underneath this carpeting. Why would they do that?

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: Okay, everyone make a list of what's lost for the insurance. I lost a necklace, a ring, a painting...

Quote from Angela

Andy: Something's definitely wrong.
Oscar: I'll look on WebMD. What are your symptoms?
Angela: Oh, everybody. Oscar found a reason to look on WebMD.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I just really, really think we should handle this internally.
Ryan: Dwight, why is it on us to protect you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Because you guys are my best friends, and I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. And I mean that figuratively. Not literally. Because you guys are so... so important... to me. I love you guys. But don't cross me. But you're the best.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: There he is! Our hero! You look fantastic. How you doing? Here, tell us your war stories.
Andy: Well, I burst my eardrum. Doctor said it could take weeks to heal.
Dwight K. Schrute: Did they say what caused it? Because I know you like putting Q-tips deep into your ear canal.

Quote from Darryl

Phyllis: How's your hearing?
Andy: Temporary deafness in one ear. It was both ears. I couldn't hear a thing Darryl was saying while we were in the waiting room.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I was talking like this. [mouths words while pointing to his ear] I don't feel good about it, but he just kept calling himself a gunshot victim and it got to me.

Quote from Jim

Pam: You have to get rid of all your weapons. All of them. Including killer fish.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Jim: Oh, is it my turn? Ooh, I'm on the spot. I don't know. Um... you know what? I think I'm good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank God.
Jim: Nope. When Jo's here, can you work in "Shagadelic, baby," at least three times in a conversation? Oh, and when I cough can you do jazz hands?
Dwight K. Schrute: What's jazz hands?
Jim: [does jazz hands]
Dwight K. Schrute: Fine.

Quote from Jo

Jo: Dwight! Walk me out. Let's talk soon. And stay on top of these people. You gotta admit it, it's nice to have a little power, eh? How's it feel?
Dwight K. Schrute: Jo... I accidentally fired a gun in the office today.
Jo: What?!
Dwight K. Schrute: I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All I've ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident, I understand. But if you think that extortion is worse-
Jo: Shooting is worse! Are you kidding me? It's not even in the same- You shot a gun? What is wrong with you?
Dwight K. Schrute: It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps.
Jo: Beaumont-Adams is a girl's gun. That just makes it plain stupid.

Quote from Jo

Dwight K. Schrute: I take full responsibility.
Jo: Who else would be responsible?
Dwight K. Schrute: Pam made me put a banana in my holster.
Pam: You shot a gun off!
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes.
Jo: Oh, stop asking yourself easy questions so you can look like a genius.
Dwight K. Schrute: Got it.
Jo: I love you, Dwight. But you don't fit this job.
Dwight K. Schrute: [on the verge of tears] Jo, please... I will -
Jo: No, child. No. It's over. Now I gotta find a replacement for my replacement.

Quote from Gabe

Andy: What's going on?
Gabe: Are you still in love with Erin?
Andy: What?
Gabe: Because I am. I need to get her back. [crying] I can't be alone anymore. Andy, do you like being alone with me right now?
Andy: No, this is horrifying.
Gabe: No. I don't like being alone with me either, okay? I have to get her back. Are you still gonna date her?
Andy: We're just friends, okay?
Gabe: Do you promise that?
Andy: Yeah, fine, I promise. We'll never date again. Can we go outside now?
Gabe: No, just give me a second. I don't want anyone to know I've been crying.

Quote from Gabe

Erin: [on the phone] 2:00 should probably be okay. I can either take your number or- [Gabe ends the call]
Gabe: I'm sorry. This can't wait.
Erin: He's just gonna call back.
Gabe: Erin, I am in love with you. I don't believe in much, okay? I don't believe in horoscopes. I don't believe in Christmas. Uh, uh, I sure as hell don't believe in God.
Erin: [quietly] What?
Gabe: Or maybe there's a God. I don't know. I mean, it's just not a guy with a long white beard. Or it could be. I mean, it's possible that that is exactly what- what God is. But for all of the disbelief [phone rings] I believe in us. I believe in love. You have made me believe that for all of the hokum [phone still ringing] out there... Uh, do we not have voicemail?
Erin: Dwight doesn't trust robots to give us our messages.
Gabe: Well... it's just... [ringing] It messes up my rhythm.


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