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‘Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Office: Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager

724. Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager

Aired May 12, 2011

The employees bristle as Dwight takes over as acting manager, but an accident soon puts his leadership on the backfoot.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life. Because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin. Acting Manager.

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Quote from Toby

Toby: [excitedly] Oh, I should get the accident report binder. I've never used the gun violence forms before.

Quote from Jim

Jim: If I had thought that there was a real chance that Dwight would be permanent manager, I would have pre-quit. And you might be saying to yourself, "Well that's pretty premature to think," but I always say, it's better to be pre-pre-preprepared.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Dwight, I would like tomorrow off so that I can go on my American Idol audition.
Dwight K. Schrute: American Idol? What? No.
Kelly: Okay. I guess I can just not go. Do you guys wanna hear my solo?
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Kelly: [singing] Why did my temporary boss go on a shooting spree?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, fine. You can go on your singing audition.

Quote from Jim

Jim: So as it turns out, unless you're a young child or a prison inmate, you don't need anyone supervising you. People just come in and do their work on their schedule. Imagine that, people like us allowed to sell paper. Unsupervised. And yet, somehow it works. It must be because the stakes are so high.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Dwight has been acting manager for three months now. No. A week. Just feels like three months. Let's see, we all have to punch in to a time clock, which is very old, very strong, and has a slot about the size of a finger. We were all given new business cards big enough to set us apart from the competition, which is how I learned that our titles are all now Junior Employee. Our lunch breaks are staggered to prevent wasting time. Mine's at 10:30, and I find that the first hour of the day goes by a lot quicker than the second seven hours.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: So I expect you to be on your best behavior, which means none of you will be insubordinate, nor will you foment insurrection.
Jim: Question, if we already fomented insurrection, may we be grandfathered in?
Dwight K. Schrute: Define foment.
Jim: You define foment.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Wow, you've really embraced the whole Bond villain aesthetic.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ah, Jim, Jim, Jim. The gun is a Beaumont-Adams. Jo collects them. I thought we could have some nice small talk about it. And the piranha's a rescue.
Jim: And the desk?
Dwight K. Schrute: The desk is a replica of Uday Hussein's desk. I saw a picture in Newsweek.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing? What's this? What's the Fist?
Jim: Oh, it's just a social club. You know, like the French Revolution, or the Black Panthers, or communism. It's just a club. Guys talking, you know.
Dwight K. Schrute: You expect me to believe that you're starting a rebellion?
Jim: Nope. Social club. God, I hate when everybody calls us a rebellion. [Darryl enters and raises his fist, Jim copies]
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, you know what? I would love to join The Fist.
Jim: And we would love to have you. But not today. Unfortunately, it's a bad day. What with Operation Overthrow and everything. But I have noted it.

Quote from Toby

Toby: I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this? [all raise their hands]
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, really?
Toby: Would you consider this a terrorist incident?
Ryan: I felt terrorized.
Dwight K. Schrute: Come on.
Toby: Oh, there's a whole 'nother terrorism booklet for that.

Quote from Kevin

Phyllis: Okay, well, then I want an extra vacation day.
Angela: Pet Day! I want Pet Day back, no dogs.
Kevin: Put back everything in the vending machine except the fruit.
Dwight K. Schrute: I put everything back in the vending machine.
Kevin: Put everything back in the vending machine except... the fruit.

Quote from Jo

Jo: Hey, all! Cornelius, Bobo, have at it. Nobody let my dogs hump each other. They don't seem to know they're brothers.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hello, Jo. Welcome. Well, shall we begin?
Jo: Slow yourself down there. Just like a man. Wants to jump right into it while I still got my socks on.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I'm taking a break from dating. Gabe was a great guy with so many wonderful qualities, but it was a challenge being touched by him.

Quote from Creed

Kevin: No food now? Someone has to do something about Dwight!
Creed: He put some snacks in the freezer for us.
Pam: You mean the frozen mice for the piranha?
Creed: No. The blueberry Slurpee pouch.
Phyllis: He means the ice pack.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: We could get Deangelo flowers.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, you can't get flowers for someone who's in a coma. They'll wilt before he wakes up.
Phyllis: Yeah, that's true.
Jim: All in favor of the baskets full of chocolates, teddy bears, and balloons?
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, wait. All in favor of the knapsack filled with canned goods, chainsaw, gasoline, and emergency radio in case he wakes up post-apocalypse?
Jim: Nope. Baskets have it.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [on the phone] Well, I really appreciate the offer, but I'm just happy the way things are. Okay. Thank you. [to Pam] That was Jo, asking me if I wanted to take over as acting manager while they find a replacement. I told her... I don't want to mess this up, right? There's a consensus, people are happy.
Dwight K. Schrute: [answering phone] Dwight Schrute. Yes, I would. Thank you. [hangs up] Jordan, gather my things from my desk. [Dwight walks to the manager's office, rubs the door frame, sits at the desk reverently]
Jim: Wait...
Pam: What have you done?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Mose, you'll never guess where I am right now.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

All: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation...
All but Oscar: ...under God...
All: ...indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Angela: Amen.
Dwight K. Schrute: Excellent. Morning announcements: There's been a problem with some people sharing copier codes. Your copier code is a distinct 21-digit number that is unique to you, and you only, okay? Don't share it. Jo Bennett, our CEO, will be here today for a high-level meeting involving Gabe and myself.
Erin: Ooh, about what?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's on a need-to-know basis.
Erin: I thought I needed to know for your calendar.
Dwight K. Schrute: [quietly] General meet-and-greet.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [surprising Kelly] Aha!
Kelly: Oh my God, what is wrong with you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Gotcha! Why are you late?
Kelly: It's none of your business, actually. It's very medical and personal.
Dwight K. Schrute: All right. You stop me when I reach the diseased area. [Dwight points to her legs and slowly raises his finger up, stopping at her mid-section]

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Listen, I'm a very busy man. Let's get right down to business.
Jim: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me that you'll be on your best behavior.
Jim: I promised other people that I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave them my word, so...
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't make me fire you.
Jim: You can't fire me. You're acting manager. Not office manager. So you have no firing powers.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't make me pre-fire you.
Jim: You wouldn't dare.
Dwight K. Schrute: Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when I'm promoted, you'll be full fired.
Jim: [quietly] If you get promoted, and if you haven't fallen in love with me by then.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?

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