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36Quotes from ‘Conflict Resolution’

The Office: Conflict Resolution

221. Conflict Resolution

Aired May 4, 2006

When Michael learns that Toby has been filing the complaints that the employees have made against each other, he attempts to resolve all the office conflicts.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Okay. So, Dwight, in your own words, "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons.
I suspect Jim Halpert." "Everyone has called me Dwayne all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."
Jim: [aside to camera:] Yes. 5 bucks each and it was totally worth it.
Michael Scott: "This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gag. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."
Jim: [aside to camera:] That actually took a while. I had to put more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight. And then I just took them all out.
Michael Scott: "Every time I typed my name, it said diapers."
Jim: [aside to camera:] Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny, one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Michael Scott: "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier."
Jim: [aside to camera:] Yeah. I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day, that day.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: ID badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I love this place, and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering. Okay. Today we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open where it can be resolved. All right. How about the Phyllis-Angela dispute.
Angela: You already did me.
Michael Scott: That's what she said.

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: Okay. Ryan, you told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?
[aside to camera:]
Creed: I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Photographer: Smile.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I never smile, if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: Someone complained that the men's room is whites only. Stanley, you know that's not true.
Stanley: I didn't say that.
Creed: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Actually, I have a separate folder for complaints against Michael. This is January through March of this year.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Every Friday at 4:00 I have a standing appointment with Dwight for him to file a grievance against Jim. I tell him that I'm sending them to a special file in New York. That box is the special file in New York.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It was really hard getting a good picture of 15 people. He would not give me a discount, and eight tries added up. But I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can't outrun your problems. And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here's the thing about cage matches, sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something that Toby will never understand.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Yeah. I mean, it's inevitable. I definitely overhear some wedding preparation, but I'm fine with it. She hears me arranging my social life. And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet. So it evens out.

Quote from Pam

Pam: There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might make things kind of awkward, but it's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yes, thanks. Fantastic Sams, Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow-dry. We're doing ID photos today. Gotta represent.

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: Here's how I usually handle this. All I do is listen, you know? These things just have a way of working themselves out. It's like if you write someone a letter when you're really angry, they say to keep it in a drawer for a couple of days and then you just never end up sending it.
Michael Scott: What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So...
Toby: Okay. That was the right decision for me and my marriage.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Well, that's not gonna fly here, because in this office it is till death do us part. Assuming that we don't get downsized.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: A "Mediators Tool chest." Okay. Well, before we get started, you should know that there are five different styles of conflict. [in mock Asian accent] My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style.
Angela: Can we go? I have a lot of work to do.
Michael Scott: No. This is important. Okay. The first style is lose-Iose.
Oscar: What's the next one?
Michael Scott: Just hold on, please. Okay. If we do lose-Iose, neither of you gets what you want. Do you understand? You would both lose. Now, I need to ask you, do you want to pursue a lose-Iose negotiation?
Angela: Can we just skip to whatever number five is, win-win or whatever.
Michael Scott: Win-win is number four. And number five is win-win-win. The important difference here is with win-win-win, we all win. Me, too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work.

Quote from Oscar

Michael Scott: Okay. So this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings, using "l" emotion language, and no judging or "you" statements.
Angela: I got this poster for Christmas and I feel I want to see it every day. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.
Michael Scott: Come on. Seriously, that?
Oscar: I don't like looking at it. It's creepy and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who forced the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art, it destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hard-core porn.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Let's see if we can't just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win-win.
Pam: Win.
Michael Scott: Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win-win-win.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, brainstorm. Own the solution.
Angela: How about I leave it up?
Oscar: How about she takes it down?
Pam: How about Angela can keep it up on Tuesdays and Thursdays?
Michael Scott: Okay. That is called a compromise. And it is style three, and it is not ideal. To sum up, win-win: Make the poster into a t-shirt. Win-Iose: Take the poster down. Compromise: Tuesdays and Thursdays. And the answer is make the poster into a t-shirt. Win-win.
Pam: Win.

Quote from Toby

Michael Scott: Here is a Kelly complaint. "Ryan never returns my calls." Join the club.
Ryan: My voicemail's real spotty sometimes.
Kelly: I didn't file a complaint. I was just talking.
Toby: To your HR representative.
Kelly: To my friend, I thought. I want that withdrawn.
Toby: Fine. I'll take your name off so no one will know.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Hey, thanks for ratting me out.
Angela: I didn't do it.
Pam: I find that hard to believe, considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe.

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: Okay. Phyllis, you complained that Angela is giving you dirty looks and you tried to get off the party-planning committee.
Phyllis: I never said any such thing. Angela and I are close.
Michael Scott: And, also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much and that that bugs him.
Phyllis: Stanley and I are close, too.
Stanley: We sit close.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body very hard.
And it is very painful and, apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Angela, I want to talk to you about something.
Angela: What?
Jim: No, Pam.
Pam: I am. It's about the Save-the-Date.
Jim: Pam, it wasn't her.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm the one who complained about you. I didn't know that Toby was going to write it down. I was just venting. You know, it was just It was one day. I took it right back. It was just like-
Pam: Okay.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: So have you found a band yet for your wedding?
Pam: No.
Kevin: 'Cause I'm in a band. We really rock.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Phyllis: On or off?
Photographer: Off.
Phyllis: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, what is on your face? Is that a disguise?
Phyllis: Excuse me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Clown paint.

Quote from Angela

Angela: It was hand-delivered. But I did get a Save-the-Date after all. It's not my taste.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Are those all the other complaints?
Toby: Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott: I would like to see those, please.
Toby: I can't do that.
Michael Scott: You can't do that, huh? Okay. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file.
Toby: That-
Michael Scott: [grabs the file] Okay. There. No more conflict. I had to use win-Iose on that. It was not pretty. All right. Is that it?
Toby: [picking up a box] It's all Dwight's.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright. Creed [muttering]... Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day, and wants a seat facing the receptionist.
Pam: Nice.
Michael Scott: You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me.

Quote from Toby

Dwight K. Schrute: Question. When a name is withdrawn, does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York?
Toby: Sure.

Quote from Angela

Phyllis: I know you keep saying it's your space even though there's no assigned parking, but I keep forgetting.
Angela: Yes, that's the problem.
Phyllis: I guess so.
Michael Scott: Okay. Well, all settled then.
Phyllis: [to Angela] I don't like you.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Hey, you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo ID taken together.
Dwight K. Schrute: That doesn't make any sense.
Jim: Well, it saves time, you know. 'Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning, walk in together. Perfect.

Quote from Jim

Jim: This came out really well. There you go.
Dwight K. Schrute: This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And my middle name is Kurt, not fart.
Jim: What did I write?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: God, God, God! No! No! Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand.
Michael Scott: Okay. Calm down.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, you calm down. Whose side is Toby on? Whose side are you on? Hey! Him or me? Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore. Either he goes or I go.
Michael Scott: Dwight. Stop.
Dwight K. Schrute: You choose! One of us is out of here by the end of today!

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Do the right thing here, Michael.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: I have served you loyally for years. I deserve this. You know I do.
Michael Scott: You know, your ID says you're a security threat.
Dwight K. Schrute: You have till 5:00.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, look, Jim. There's a sales manager position open in Stamford. Want me to call Jan and ell her you're interested? I could put in a good word for you 'cause I'll still be working here. Transfer. Transfer. Everybody! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer!

Quote from Kevin

Michael Scott: All right, Kevin. You are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable.
Kevin: I accept your decision.


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