Schrute Farms Page 1 of 2

Schrute Farms

Dwight's best quotes about Schrute Farms, a 1600-acre property which grows beets and hemp, and includes a bed and breakfast.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Product Recall

Dwight K. Schrute: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat. Couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Office Olympics

Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Product Recall

Dwight K. Schrute: First rule in roadside beet sales, put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, "Wow. I need this beet right now." Those are the money beets.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in After Hours

Dwight K. Schrute: Win at all costs. Don't respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America. They were farmers. And before that, hunters. And before that, time travelers. And before that, me again. At least, that's how the legend goes. The point is they never had to worry about how they got ahead. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Office Olympics

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, thank God. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although, two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one. And it's under the porch.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Dwight Christmas

Dwight K. Schrute: Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular.
Phyllis: We already said no.
Angela: No, no, no.
Nellie: Too weird.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Get the Girl

Jim: Dwight, should she be our manager?
Dwight K. Schrute: I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Those who can't farm, farm celery.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Take Your Daughter to Work Day

Dwight K. Schrute: The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. [chuckling] No, they didn't eat the children. It never came to that.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Garden Party

Dwight K. Schrute: Schrute Farms is very easy to find. It's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've probably gone too far.
Ryan: Just give us the address. We'll look it up online.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's simpler this way.
Oscar: It's really not.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in WUPHF.com

Dwight K. Schrute: Ah, this is good hay. Yeah, this is the good stuff. Mattress quality.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Every fall, my Uncle Eldred used to build us a maze out of hay bales for us kids to play in. We called it "Hay Place". Eldred Called it "Hay World". Eventually lawyers were brought in. But that's all behind us. Hay Place lives on!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Murder

Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Money

Dwight K. Schrute: [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute. Please hold. Schrute farms. Guttentag. How can help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh, no, I'm sorry. No King beds. No Queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Auf wiedersehen.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Money

Jim: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: None of your business, Jim.
Jim: You running a bed and breakfast?
Dwight K. Schrute: It is not a B & B.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Agro-tourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Gettysburg

Dwight K. Schrute: Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.
Oscar: Actually, it is the northernmost.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ha!
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. [scoffs] Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Surplus

Dwight K. Schrute: This is where you'll have your receiving line. Of course we'll clear out all the livestock and hay and such.
Andy: Mmm. Mmm. What's that smell?
Dwight K. Schrute: You're gonna need to be more specific.
Angela: Manure. Get rid of it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.
Angela: Do you have to slaughter on our wedding day?
Dwight K. Schrute: You want to eat, don't you?

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