Schrute Farms

Schrute Farms

Dwight's best quotes about Schrute Farms, a 1600-acre property which grows beets and hemp, and includes a bed and breakfast.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Product Recall

Dwight K. Schrute: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat. Couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in After Hours

Dwight K. Schrute: Win at all costs. Don't respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America. They were farmers. And before that, hunters. And before that, time travelers. And before that, me again. At least, that's how the legend goes. The point is they never had to worry about how they got ahead. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Office Olympics

Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Product Recall

Dwight K. Schrute: First rule in roadside beet sales, put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, "Wow. I need this beet right now." Those are the money beets.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Office Olympics

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, thank God. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although, two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one. And it's under the porch.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Dwight Christmas

Dwight K. Schrute: Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular.
Phyllis: We already said no.
Angela: No, no, no.
Nellie: Too weird.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Get the Girl

Jim: Dwight, should she be our manager?
Dwight K. Schrute: I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Those who can't farm, farm celery.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Murder

Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Garden Party

Dwight K. Schrute: Schrute Farms is very easy to find. It's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've probably gone too far.
Ryan: Just give us the address. We'll look it up online.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's simpler this way.
Oscar: It's really not.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in WUPHF.com

Dwight K. Schrute: Ah, this is good hay. Yeah, this is the good stuff. Mattress quality.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Every fall, my Uncle Eldred used to build us a maze out of hay bales for us kids to play in. We called it "Hay Place". Eldred Called it "Hay World". Eventually lawyers were brought in. But that's all behind us. Hay Place lives on!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Take Your Daughter to Work Day

Dwight K. Schrute: The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. [chuckling] No, they didn't eat the children. It never came to that.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Money

Dwight K. Schrute: [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute. Please hold. Schrute farms. Guttentag. How can help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh, no, I'm sorry. No King beds. No Queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Auf wiedersehen.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Money

Jim: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: None of your business, Jim.
Jim: You running a bed and breakfast?
Dwight K. Schrute: It is not a B & B.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Agro-tourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Gettysburg

Dwight K. Schrute: Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.
Oscar: Actually, it is the northernmost.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ha!
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. [scoffs] Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Surplus

Andy: Dwight, I'm a little concerned about some of these directions to Schrute farms.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, do tell.
Andy: I mean, like, "156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left."
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh-huh.
Andy: "Walk until you hear the bee hive."
Dwight K. Schrute: How could it be more clear?
Angela: I think Andy makes an excellent point. But my biggest concern is that there's only one bathroom.
Dwight K. Schrute: We'll dig a trench. As long as it's downhill from the well, we should be fine.
Angela: Nana Mimi cannot squat over some trench.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, we're gonna put out stumps. Come on.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in After Hours

Dwight K. Schrute: If Jim has bedbugs, that means they're everywhere. I can't risk them coming back to Schrute Farms. Our biggest attraction is our 200 year old mattresses.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Garden Party

Dwight K. Schrute: My first love is beet farming, but it's a young man's game. Who ever heard of an old beet farmer?
Robert: Forget the beets. Concentrate on the hosting. I could spend a considerable amount of money having my birthday party here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, really? Well, we have a number of birthday packages. The Pewter Package has the least amount of goats. It's not no goats, it's still 10-12 goats, depending on the availability of the goats. Now, the Goat Package obviously has the most goats. What were you thinking?
Robert: Of course, I am not interested in goats. Why would you spend so much time going over the goats with me?
Dwight K. Schrute: [whispering:] I can get you exotic meats: hippo steaks, giraffe burgers...
Robert: We'll talk. [walks away]
Dwight K. Schrute: [looking at camera:] It'll all be goat.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Customer Survey

Dwight K. Schrute: Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding.
Andy: No, we haven't decided on anything yet. We're still reviewing some options, and it's gonna come down to the numbers.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, then, why don't you look over some of our materials? While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms, I can promise you that our grounds can be catered to fit your exact specifications. I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months, and be at your constant disposal. Please feel free to call or stop by any time of the day or night.
Andy: That's very generous.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well you, my good friend, have nothing more to worry about. This wedding is officially out of your hands.
Andy: Oh, thank the good lord. Deal! What are we talking, price wise?
Dwight K. Schrute: You already said deal.
Angela: Pay him whatever he wants.
Andy: Can't argue with that. Dwight, you're gonna make us so happy.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in WUPHF.com

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey kids, was that fun?
All: Yeah!
Dwight K. Schrute: All Right!
Little Boy: I wanna go on it again.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, I bet you do. You know what? When I was a little kid, they couldn't get me off the hayride! But it's gonna cost you three more bucks.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Wow, this brings back memories. Hay stacking, hay throwing... and at the end of it all, one lucky boy would be crowned Hay King. I always wanted to be Hay King. The world shines on Mose.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in WUPHF.com

Dwight K. Schrute: Hello! Welcome to Hay Place! A place for hay.
Guy: Don't forget to make a broom.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, and the Petting Zoo closes at 2:00, and the Goat Roast is at 3:00. Come on in, enjoy!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Surplus

Dwight K. Schrute: This is where you'll have your receiving line. Of course we'll clear out all the livestock and hay and such.
Andy: Mmm. Mmm. What's that smell?
Dwight K. Schrute: You're gonna need to be more specific.
Angela: Manure. Get rid of it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.
Angela: Do you have to slaughter on our wedding day?
Dwight K. Schrute: You want to eat, don't you?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Money

Dwight K. Schrute: Here we are, irrigation room. A very special room. So I'll come get you before the table-making demonstration. And as of this morning, we're completely wireless here at Schrute farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Money

Dwight K. Schrute: We have three rooms, each with a different theme.
Pam: What are the themes?
Dwight K. Schrute: America, irrigation, and night time.
Pam: Irrigation.
Jim: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll put you down for irrigation.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Niagara

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm just worried about the farm, ya know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself.
Michael Scott: Dwight, Dwight. Shut up about the farm. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm.
Isabel: Wait. You're worried about your horses? That's cool. How many horses do you have?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nine and three-quarters.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I invented a device called 'Burger on the Go'. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall's still considering it. Hammacher Schlemmer is still considering it. Sears said no.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Gettysburg

Archivist: There you go.
Narrator: [on video] Families and sweethearts back home waited desperately for letters from the front.
Soldier: [on video] Dearest mother I'm sorry it has been so long since my last letter. It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvin Fifer Garris.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hallowed ground.
Narrator: [on video] But the Battle at Schrute Farms was no battle at all. It was a code used by pacifists from both North and South who turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse into an artistic community and a refuge from the war.
Amanda: [on video] You have to understand. Poets, artists, dancers, these kind of men preferred peace to war. These delicate lovely men found a place of refuge among the Schrutes at Schrute Farms. Amidst the macho brutality of war this was a place where dandies and dreamers could put on plays and sing tender ballads and dance in the moonlight. I like to think of Schrute Farms as the Underground Railroad for the sensitive... and well... fabulous.
Oscar: Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up.
Dwight K. Schrute: I've seen enough.
Oscar: You're right. There should be a monument to this.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Grief Counseling

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm sorry. I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. It would have fit if he had given me another minute.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Livin' the Dream

Dwight K. Schrute: Yesterday I was just your average, ordinary paper salesman with a farm and a bunch of pipe dreams about beet fuel. Today, I leave here a regional manager with a black belt. It really is amazing how your life can change in one day.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Incentive

Andy: D-Bone. There you are.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let me guess, somebody needs a brownie. Lick the spoon?
Andy: No, that's okay. Just, I want, I wanted to ask you about...
Dwight K. Schrute: Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just don't see the point. It's so Wall Street.
Andy: I know, right?
Dwight K. Schrute: Right?
Andy: Yeah. Um, how is everything?
Dwight K. Schrute: Good. Really really good.
Andy: Must be a tough time to be a family farm.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, it is. And beets are not immune. We made some inroads in salads, but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in WUPHF.com

Dwight K. Schrute: And now, by show of applause, We will crown this year's Hay King. All in favor of Purebred. [crowd applauds] Put your hands together for Mixed Bred. [crowd applauds] And let's hear it for Purebred. [crowd applauds] Mm. It appears we have a three-way tie. I have no choice but to pick the Hay King myself. I pick... Me! I am your Hay King! All Hail your Hay King!
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Did I truck 300 bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment? Yes.