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30Quotes from ‘The Search’

The Office: The Search

715. The Search

Aired February 3, 2011

After Jim leaves Michael at a gas station, Dwight, Erin and Holly go out searching for him. Holly's ability to get inside Michael's mind freaks everyone out, no one more so than Holly.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she is so special. And she's so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7 and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Problem solved everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael. Unbelievable. I'm going. You drive, I got a car full of fox meat.

Quote from Holly

Dwight K. Schrute: Male. Caucasian. Forties. Black hair. Facial type: marsupial.
Erin: He answers to Michael. Michael G. Scott. Michael J. Fox. Mr. Fox. The Incredible Mr. Fox.
Attendant: Yeah, he just left.
Holly: Which way did he go?
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, hey, hey. Let me answer this. Stupid question. He went back to the office, obviously, which is that way.
Holly: Oh, really? You don't think he walked by the bakery just for the smell of it?
Attendant: She's right. He went that way.
Dwight K. Schrute: Alright. Don't get a swelled head. You're no tracker. [Dwight and Erin low-five] Let's ride.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How long do we have to wait?
Holly: For what?
Michael Scott: You broke up with AJ weeks ago.
Holly: Don't you have a sales call to go on?
Michael Scott: I don't understand. I really don't. I mean, we know we are going to start dating. Why not now?
Holly: We don't know that.
Michael Scott: Sure we do.
Holly: Why is it such a certainty that we are supposed to be together?
Michael Scott: Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.

Quote from Oscar

Pam: Very funny, everyone. Who wrote captions under my doodle? I'm not even kidding. They're pretty good.
Oscar: Which one in particular?
Andy: Yeah, which one?
Pam: Well the first one has a surprise factor. "I'm a suck suck-suckity Sabre!"
Andy: Boo-yeah! [office laughs]
Gabe: No, no. No, no, no.
Pam: But, ah, I suppose the second one is the better written line.
Oscar: You suppose?
Darryl: What's it say?
Oscar: "I'm supposed to be wearing red gloves but my color cartridge portal got jammed again."

Quote from Darryl

Pam: You guys, if I knew you wanted to do a caption contest, I would have drawn something more challenging.
Darryl: And I will take you all down.
Andy: You?
Darryl: I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once I have used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason: me.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Oh, it is on like Genghis Khan wearing Sean John in Bhutan.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [to puppies] Hey, you guys, listen to me. Don't get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute. [at parrots] Hello! You guys are so beautiful. You're so colorful. I wish I could understand you. That's a metaphor I guess. [at snake] You are disgusting. You'll never find love. Yuck. [holding puppy] Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen? [puppy licks his nose] I'm being serious. Seriously.

Quote from Gabe

Darryl: Gabe, tell us your stupid rules so we can start the game.
Gabe: Number one, and this should be obvious, no captions that insult the company we work for.
Oscar: Irony is such a critical...
Gabe: Number two, no pop culture references.
Pam: Seriously?
Oscar: Wow.
Gabe: I think we can all agree that they tend to alienate those who don't get the reference, making them feel like the other.
Darryl: Wrap it up, Gabe.
Gabe: Okay, final thing, and this is a fun one: Instead of writing the caption directly under the picture, let's all try using Sticky Quips. All right? New, from Dunder Mifflin Sabre.
[aside to camera:]
Gabe: Sticky Quips are fun. They are safe. They are handy. I like to use Sticky Quips as regular Post-It notes when I am in a fun mood. [laughs] Not every day.

Quote from Holly

Holly: Hey.
Dwight K. Schrute: What are you doing?
Holly: Oh, just changing my cell phone plan. Okay. Okay. Here you go. I'll take my free stress ball too now.
Cell Phone Sales Person: Sure thing. Here you go, Miss... Okay, Fanny Smellmore. Real original.
Holly: What?
Cell Phone Sales Person: You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Tootenbacher.
Erin: Orville Tootenbacher. That's Michael's millionaire character that...
Dwight and Erin: farts popcorn.
Dwight K. Schrute: Of course. He was here. She's the key. Amazing. Holly. Hey, where you would you like to go next? Holly?
Holly: Are their egg rolls really that big?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, boy. That was yummy. Thank you so much. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car. Do you mind if I run out and get it?
Waiter: No problem.
Michael Scott: Okay. I'll be right back. [goes to leave but walks back]. Okay. You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't have my wallet and I was gonna try to dine and dash and that was stupid and I realize I can't do that to you fine people.
Waiter: So you can't pay for your food?
Michael Scott: Well, I can, but I will have to come back later tonight and pay you. But the point is I did the right thing.
Waiter: You did not. You have no money, but you dined. And you dined so much.
Michael Scott: Well, the number three is not such a giant feast.
Waiter: Mr. Chu!
Michael Scott: Okay, all right. You know what?
Waiter: You were trying to steal food from us?
Michael Scott: I am not. I just have had a bad day. And I... okay. I'll be back later with the money. I'm just gonna leave right now.
Waiter: You can't. We'll stop you.
Michael Scott: Well, I think I can get through the door.
[The heavy-set restaurant proprietor, Mr. Chu, appears behind Michael]

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: "Darn it Bob. I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat." [laughter]
Kevin: Nice!
Gabe: No, not nice. Terrible. Doesn't even include the fact that they're dogs.
Andy: Do the next one.
Gabe: "Wake up, Fred. The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma, and you're dreaming you're a dog on a desert island."
Darryl: Dreaming he's a dog on a island.
Gabe: Uh, excuse me, excuse me. How does the speaker know what the guy in the coma is dreaming?
Phyllis: Well, if you think it's so easy, Gabe, why don't you try it?
Gabe: Umm... "You don't have to sniff my rear end anymore, Bob, I'm the only one here." Ha.
Oscar: That's tasteless, Gabe.
Gabe: Tasteless?
Oscar: Tasteless.
Gabe: More tasteless than this..."is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let's pee on it." [laughter]
Pam: Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Erin: Where did he go, Holly?
Holly: I have no idea.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you see a little clown that you want to follow, huh? Is there a little bird that's chirping to you, "this way, this way"?
Holly: I don't know.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, close your eyes, we need you to think. What is Michael seeing right now? Can you tell him that we miss him? Michael we're coming for you!
Holly: Will you stop! There has been a few coincidences, that's all.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Holly: Look, I'm not playing. I'm gonna go look for him.
Erin: Good. We don't need her.
Dwight K. Schrute: Right. I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael. All right... I'm deep below the ocean's surface in a submarine. A torpedo's coming right at me. No. Damn it, that's just my own imagination. Maybe he's bowling.

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: [climbs the stairs to the roof of a building and finds Michael] Michael?
Michael Scott: Hi. [laughs] How did you know I was up here?
Holly: What are you doing up here?
Michael Scott: I got turned around. I thought I could see Dunder Mifflin.
Holly: Dunder Mifflin.
Michael Scott: Yeah. [laughs] Wow. I just miss you so much.
Holly: I missed you too.
Michael Scott: Really?
Holly: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Can I kiss you?
Holly: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Okay.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Everybody, can I please have your attention? Ryan and I have a huge announcement.
Erin: Oh my gosh!
Phyllis: Wow.
Kelly: Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced. [throws ring on the ground]
Meredith: Sweet! Free Ring!
Andy: Divorced?
Ryan: Just so you know, it's totally amicable. We're fine. We don't need people here to take sides.
Kelly: The last thing that we want is any kind of drama.
Pam: Wait. Can you back up? What's the story?
Kelly: We were having a beautiful weekend in the Poconos. We were making love, constantly. We saw the sunrise. Ryan was crying a lot.
Ryan: That's not a relevant detail.
Kelly: And in the morning we walked by a chapel and we stopped, suddenly, and Ryan said...
Ryan and Kelly: I don't think I should be married to you anymore.

Quote from Ryan

Kevin: What?
Andy: Sorry, when did you get married?
Kelly: Umm, like a week ago, we got really wasted and it just felt right.
Andy: And you didn't invite any of us?
Ryan: We are getting divorced, Andy! This is such a raw time.
Kelly: God baby, you know, people's reactions to this, I wonder if we made a mistake.
Ryan: No, with the messed up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married.
Oscar: You know what, Ryan, I talked to the other gay guys, and we're okay with it. We all agreed it's fine if you got married.
Ryan: No, Oscar. Not- Not until everyone can!
Kelly: Ryan, I changed my mind.
Ryan: Okay, fine, you know what, this actually isn't amicable at all and we actually do need people to take sides. Who is on my side? [no hands go up]
Kelly: And who is on my side? [again, no hands]

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: Michael, I can't keep getting into a situation where I date whoever I'm working with. Well, you can understand that.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I understand. I just don't agree.
Holly: Well you don't have to agree.
Michael Scott: Yes, I do.
Holly: No, you don't.
Michael Scott: Yes, I do.
Holly: No, you can have your own opinion.
Michael Scott: I have my own opinion and my opinion is to disagree with you.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Where?
Jim: Okay, fine, three hints. One, when you are getting colder, you're really getting warmer.
Pam: The fridge.
Jim: Two, you have a better chance, if you think Bob Vance.
Pam: The fridge, got it.
Jim: And the final clue...
Michael Scott: Let's go!
Jim: You know what, just think about it, you'll be fine.
Pam: Bye.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Cheer up. We made a sale.
Michael Scott: Just drive faster. I want to get back.
Jim: Well, I'm going the speed limit. So...
Michael Scott: Okay, fine. My feelings don't matter to you. What matters to you is your precious speed limit.
Jim: Someone's in a bad mood.
Michael Scott: No, I'm not. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not, Jim. Hello? Okay, fine, ignore me. Have it your way. Let's just talk about you, as always. Is sex different after the baby, Jim?
Jim: Alright, let me turn on some music.
Michael Scott: I need to pee.
Jim: No, you don't.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I do. My word against yours.
Jim: Alright. Well we'll be there in ten minutes.
Michael Scott: What part of "I need to pee" do you not understand? I'm upset. My bladder is full. There is no telling what I might do, right now, all over the inside of your precious little car.

Quote from Pam

Jim: [on the phone] So here's the thing though. I left Michael at the gas station on Benet.
Pam: Understood.
Jim: And his wallet and phone are on the seat next to me.
Pam: Got it. I will put out a A.P.B. Otherwise known as a "Ask Pam Beasley". ... Did the phone cut off?
Jim: Nope.
Pam: Alright, just call me after the doctor.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I know, I know you have a phone policy. I understand. But this is an emergency because my friend isn't here and I am worried that he has been abducted.
Attendant: No, he ditched you man. I saw him drive away.
Michael Scott: There is no way he ditched me. There is no way that happened. He's my... Okay. May I please just use your phone? Please!
Attendant: Just make it quick.
Michael Scott: Okay. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick. [opens phone] And you don't have my numbers on speed dial. Ah, okay. What is it?
Attendant: You don't know it.
Michael Scott: You know what, I can dial 411, get Jim's number.
Attendant: He left you here on purpose. Alright? I saw it. He just drove away.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Actually this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk-about. Good. Good. [to cameras] Nope, get away. No, that's enough. Okay.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: [on the phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Dwight K. Schrute: Has Michael checked in?
Pam: Oh, hey Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: I asked you a question.
Pam: No, he hasn't.
Dwight K. Schrute: Goodbye.
Pam: No, wait. Hey, while you are out, could pick up some paper towels and chocolate syrup? We have ice cream so I thought...
Dwight K. Schrute: Pam, this isn't a shopping trip.
Erin: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: This is a man-hunt slash rescue mission.
Pam: Okay. I, just, when you are done or any time it's convent, I just thought since you are out...
Dwight K. Schrute: Pam, I'm obviously going to get that stuff for you so just shut up.
Pam: Okay, well it wasn't obvious.. [phone hangs up]

Quote from Gabe

Kevin: Okay, it's two giant dogs with two giant palm trees on a regular size island.
Oscar: Okay, I got one.
Pam: Yeah?
Oscar: Yes!
Gabe: Okay, I'm sorry but I am going to have to shut this down.
All: Boo!
Meredith: Why?
Gabe: Unless we can all agree to some ground rules. It's either that or I can fax this to Jo and let her decide how to proceed.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello. I would like a hot dog please. Now, I don't have any money so here is what I would like to do. I leave you here with my watch, and I come back later and I pay for the hot dog.
Hot Dog Guy: I'm not a pawn shop.
Michael Scott: Well, I understand that but this is a $45 watch.
Hot Dog Guy: Wow.
Michael Scott: With that I could buy... half the menu.
Hot Dog Guy: I can't just go giving away hot dogs.
Michael Scott: Alright. What do you do with the hog dogs that you don't sell?
Hot Dog Guy: Throw 'em away.
Michael Scott: Well, okay, instead of throwing them all away later, why don't you just throw one away now into my mouth?
Hot Dog Guy: No.
Michael Scott: Okay. You've just lost my business.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey.
Erin: Hey, you were in there forever.
Dwight K. Schrute: There's too many brands.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me. Do you speak English? We are looking for a man. Michael, this tall, black hair, Caucasian...
Erin: [point to picture on a wall of thieves] It's Michael!
Waiter: He just left.
Erin: You knew.
Holly: What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What... what are you implying?
Dwight K. Schrute: Uncanny. Put a pin in that. [to waiter] Which way did he go? That guy! When he leave here, which way did he go? We looking for him. [pointing] This way, this way, this way? I don't know. Do you know?
Waiter: I think he was heading downtown.
Dwight K. Schrute: He's heading downtown.

Quote from Stanley

[As everyone closes their instant messenger program so Gabe can't see:]
Stanley: [whispers] Click the "x".
Phyllis: [whispers] I'm clicking!
Stanley: In the box.
Phyllis: I am clicking.
Stanley: Woman, you've had a computer for years!

Quote from Angela

Kevin: Yes, well done!
Oscar: Who's is it? Who wrote that?
Phyllis: Yeah, who wrote it?
[Angela has a wry smile, later to camera:]
Angela: Please. It was easy once I decided I wanted the dog to piss on Gabe.

Quote from Gabe

Phyllis: Maybe that's not the best one. Keep reading.
Gabe: Uh, it was.
Meredith: Maybe it wasn't.
Gabe: "Oh, thank God. I had a horrible nightmare that I was stuck in America with Gabe."
Andy: Oh! [laughter]
Phyllis: No, that's not the one I was thinking of. Keep going.
Gabe: "I know what it smells like but I didn't roll in anything. It's from listening to all of Gabe's bull[bleep]." [laughter] "Isn't this the perfect romantic getaway, Erin? Sitting on a deserted island wearing dog costumes? I'm Gabe and I'm a weirdo."
Andy: [laughs]
Gabe: "Gabe's mom... Hmm... Gabe's mom? Wait. Tall woman? Looks like Gabe? Yeah, I banged her."
Phyllis: Yeah, there you go. [laughter]


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