Erin: Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she is so special. And she's so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7 and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts.

Dwight K. Schrute: Problem solved everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael. Unbelievable. I'm going. You drive, I got a car full of fox meat.

Dwight K. Schrute: Male. Caucasian. Forties. Black hair. Facial type: marsupial.
Erin: He answers to Michael. Michael G. Scott. Michael J. Fox. Mr. Fox. The Incredible Mr. Fox.
Attendant: Yeah, he just left.
Holly: Which way did he go?
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, hey, hey. Let me answer this. Stupid question. He went back to the office, obviously, which is that way.
Holly: Oh, really? You don't think he walked by the bakery just for the smell of it?
Attendant: She's right. He went that way.
Dwight K. Schrute: Alright. Don't get a swelled head. You're no tracker. [Dwight and Erin low-five] Let's ride.

Gabe: "Darn it Bob. I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat." [laughter]
Kevin: Nice!
Gabe: No, not nice. Terrible. Doesn't even include the fact that they're dogs.
Andy: Do the next one.
Gabe: "Wake up, Fred. The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma, and you're dreaming you're a dog on a desert island."
Darryl: Dreaming he's a dog on a island.
Gabe: Uh, excuse me, excuse me. How does the speaker know what the guy in the coma is dreaming?
Phyllis: Well, if you think it's so easy, Gabe, why don't you try it?
Gabe: Umm... "You don't have to sniff my rear end anymore, Bob, I'm the only one here." Ha.
Oscar: That's tasteless, Gabe.
Gabe: Tasteless?
Oscar: Tasteless.
Gabe: More tasteless than this..."is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let's pee on it." [laughter]
Pam: Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.

Michael Scott: How long do we have to wait?
Holly: For what?
Michael Scott: You broke up with AJ weeks ago.
Holly: Don't you have a sales call to go on?
Michael Scott: I don't understand. I really don't. I mean, we know we are going to start dating. Why not now?
Holly: We don't know that.
Michael Scott: Sure we do.
Holly: Why is it such a certainty that we are supposed to be together?
Michael Scott: Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.

Pam: Very funny, everyone. Who wrote captions under my doodle? I'm not even kidding. They're pretty good.
Oscar: Which one in particular?
Andy: Yeah, which one?
Pam: Well the first one has a surprise factor. "I'm a suck suck-suckity Sabre!"
Andy: Boo-yeah! [office laughs]
Gabe: No, no. No, no, no.
Pam: But, ah, I suppose the second one is the better written line.
Oscar: You suppose?
Darryl: What's it say?
Oscar: "I'm supposed to be wearing red gloves but my color cartridge portal got jammed again."

Pam: You guys, if I knew you wanted to do a caption contest, I would have drawn something more challenging.
Darryl: And I will take you all down.
Andy: You?
Darryl: I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once I have used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason: me.

Michael Scott: [to puppies] Hey, you guys, listen to me. Don't get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute. [at parrots] Hello! You guys are so beautiful. You're so colorful. I wish I could understand you. That's a metaphor I guess. [at snake] You are disgusting. You'll never find love. Yuck. [holding puppy] Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen? [puppy licks his nose] I'm being serious. Seriously.

Darryl: Gabe, tell us your stupid rules so we can start the game.
Gabe: Number one, and this should be obvious, no captions that insult the company we work for.
Oscar: Irony is such a critical...
Gabe: Number two, no pop culture references.
Pam: Seriously?
Oscar: Wow.
Gabe: I think we can all agree that they tend to alienate those who don't get the reference, making them feel like the other.
Darryl: Wrap it up, Gabe.
Gabe: Okay, final thing, and this is a fun one: Instead of writing the caption directly under the picture, let's all try using Sticky Quips. All right? New, from Dunder Mifflin Sabre.
[aside to camera:]
Gabe: Sticky Quips are fun. They are safe. They are handy. I like to use Sticky Quips as regular Post-It notes when I am in a fun mood. [laughs] Not every day.

Holly: Hey.
Dwight K. Schrute: What are you doing?
Holly: Oh, just changing my cell phone plan. Okay. Okay. Here you go. I'll take my free stress ball too now.
Cell Phone Sales Person: Sure thing. Here you go, Miss... Okay, Fanny Smellmore. Real original.
Holly: What?
Cell Phone Sales Person: You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Tootenbacher.
Erin: Orville Tootenbacher. That's Michael's millionaire character that...
Dwight and Erin: farts popcorn.
Dwight K. Schrute: Of course. He was here. She's the key. Amazing. Holly. Hey, where you would you like to go next? Holly?
Holly: Are their egg rolls really that big?