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38Quotes from ‘Crime Aid’

The Office: Crime Aid

505. Crime Aid

Aired October 23, 2008

The office is robbed after Michael and Holly forget to lock up the building. Michael decides to host a charity auction to raise money to replace the lost items.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction. Where people from all over Scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. I'm calling it Crime Aid. It's like Farm Aid. But instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman, Fast Car. And my personal favorite, Short People.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me, I'll know for sure.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: That was really fun last night.
Holly: Yeah, it was nice.
Michael Scott: I'm actually thinking about getting my own set of put-put golf clubs.
Holly: Oh, that would be great. You need that.
Michael Scott: Really?
Holly: Yeah, it would help.
Michael Scott: [whispering to camera] I let her win.
Holly: [whispering to camera] No, he didn't.

Quote from Holly

Michael Scott: So, when can I see you again?
Holly: Tonight. I'm free tonight. Is that too eager? I don't care. I'm free tonight.
Michael Scott: Okay. Oh, wait. Oh, tonight's no good. Because I am busy taking you out.
Holly: Oh, I just remembered. I can't tonight.
Michael Scott: Why?
Holly: I'm going out with you.
Michael Scott: [chuckling] Wow. Wait a second. I can't tonight.
Holly: No more.
Michael Scott: Tonight's so-
Holly: No more.
Michael Scott: All right. Too many times. It's all good.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Phyllis: What are you making?
Dwight K. Schrute: A knife.
Phyllis: You're making a knife with a knife?
Dwight K. Schrute: You got a better way?
Phyllis: You wanna talk about it?
Dwight K. Schrute: About what?
Phyllis: You know I know. You know they know.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know none of that. And if I did, you'd be the last to know.

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: The mall could be fun. We could go to the food court, get different foods. You could get chicken teriyaki. I could get a hot dog.
Michael Scott: Some of what we order depends on if we're having sex after.
Holly: [gasps]
Michael Scott: Oh, my. Wow. Elephant in the room. Are we, do you think? Do you think we're gonna have sex tonight?
Holly: Hell yeah.
Michael Scott: OK, so we do the restaurant thing, and then... Then we can do... We'll just do the restaurant first.
Holly: Yeah, that's good.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Probably get soup or something light.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: She introduced me to so many things: pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism. Presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.
Phyllis: It's nice to learn new things.
Dwight K. Schrute: I was talking to myself.
Phyllis: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just- I don't get it.
Phyllis: What don't you get?
Dwight K. Schrute: Why is she marrying Andy?
Phyllis: Angela's not really a risk taker. And Andy's not really a risk.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's really fattening.
Phyllis: No, it's lettuce.

Quote from Kevin

Angela: Yes, that's correct. I need to cancel checks from 10,001 to 90,000.
Oscar: Great, they stole my laptop.
Kevin: Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector.
Oscar: How does that even compare?
Kevin: Oscar, I'm now going to be prone to surges.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Oh, my God. What happened?
Jim: We were robbed last night.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bravo, Watson.
Jim: Looks like a classic 7-men job. Security tapes were stolen. Motives, financial. Or possibly vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out. And that is all we have.

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: Can I talk to you for a second?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Holly: That wasn't us, right? You remembered to lock the doors?
Michael Scott: No, did you?
Holly: Michael, I think this is our fault.
Michael Scott: Oh, no. No, my god! My god.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: So much for sex without consequences.

Quote from Jim

Jim: So apparently Pam went out last night and accidentally called my work phone at 3:00 in the morning. So... I'm on minute six of this message. The future mother of my children.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Come on! Let's have an auction. Let's do this. We'll auction off people, like in the olden days.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want.
Angela: Who would ever come to this?
Michael Scott: I don't know. It could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be an old person. It could be a lookie-loo. Or it could be a Bruce Springsteen fan. What? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes without saying. Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady. It seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy. There's really something going on.
Jim: Do you need us for any of this?
Michael Scott: Do I?

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: Michael scored the big ticket item. Springsteen tickets. The boss scored The Boss.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I think that's pretty boss.
Holly: He knows how to get things. He got me.
Michael Scott: Wow.
Holly: Sorry.
Michael Scott: Twice. Right?
Holly: Uh-huh.
Michael Scott: Uh-huh.

Quote from Michael Scott

[As Michael comes on stage to Huey Lewis and The News' "The Heart of Rock and Roll"]
Michael Scott: Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Pump up the volume. Thank you very much, everybody.
Thank you, Mr. Springsteen. And welcome to C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D. Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry, I Declare. It is not known how many office robberies occur every second, cause there is no Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics. However, tonight, its victims are standing together and standing strong in the form of song, Cooking lessons and hugs. Really, Phyllis? You're auctioning a hug? Okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction! Take it away, Bruce!
[Huey Lewis and the News' "Heart of Rock and Roll" resumes]

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: Well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. It just says Creed.
Creed: Yeah, that's all-inclusive.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What did Phyllis do wrong? I'll tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me.

Quote from Holly

Michael Scott: Listen, about the tickets. It's sort of a gray- Kind of a gray area in terms of whether I had them.
[aside to camera:]
Holly: The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true. But a lot of Michael seems too good to be true. So far it's all true. But yeah, those tickets really seemed too good to be true.

Quote from Pam

Pam: New York, as it turns out, is very expensive. And I ran out of money. I thought about selling a kidney, but Michael offered to get me a part-time job at corporate. Of course, now Michael knows where to reach me 16 to 18 hours a week.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: [on phone] Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott: Pamela! Miss you, kiddo. Miss you so much.

Quote from Andy

Andy: That's for you. And I am right in assuming that Dwight is short for D-Money. Cause that's what I wrote on your Save-The-Date.
Dwight K. Schrute: You set a date?
Andy: J-Money. Or should it be T-Money, for Tuna? Receptionist-Money. K-Money.

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: [o.s.] I didn't forget my keys. I just didn't want to make out with you in front of the cameras. Do you think they can hear us?
Michael Scott: Not if we turn these dials all the way down. Now they can't hear us at all.
Holly: Oh, good.
Michael Scott: We're totally alone.

Quote from Andy

Angela: I never felt safe here.
Andy: You're always safe with me. I'm a very good screamer. And one day, we're gonna move to Disney's Celebration Village in Florida and leave all of this behind.
Angela: I would very much like that.
Andy: [singing in a Cockney accent] Consider yourself at 'ome.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Get in.
Phyllis: Where are we going?
Dwight K. Schrute: I know she loves me, Phyllis. I am sure of it. She practically told me so.
Phyllis: Then you need to give her an ultimatum. Tell her she needs to make a choice. You or Andy. If she picks you, great. If not, you can move on.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you sure that's gonna work? It did when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much.
Phyllis: Wait, this isn't our floor... [elevator doors close] Dwight?

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: I think it's a fun idea.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Phyllis: We could auction off things that we do for each other, like cleaning or tennis lessons. My sorority did it all the time.
Michael Scott: Okay, I'm gonna have to stop you right here. Was this a sorority that you didn't get into a real sorority so you had to kind of form your own?
Phyllis: Move on, Michael.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Listen to me close cause I'm only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize, and then date me. Or you can say goodbye to this.
Angela: I think you have me confused with another person.
Dwight K. Schrute: I said I was only gonna say it once. You have until 6:14 P.M. 6:14.
Angela: I heard you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, this is the moment that you have all been waiting for. Our first item up for bids tonight is something that I consider to be very boss indeed. It is a Yoga lesson from Holly Flax! Yoga! And I would like to start the bidding off at 300 dollars. [auctioneer voice] 300 dollars do I hear 300 dollars? 300 dollars. Hey, batter batter batter, hey batter, swing batter, 300 dollars, 300 dollars, 300 dollars. Anybody, 300 dollars. 400 dollars. Who wants for 400-[unintelligible] Do I see somebody in the back? Is there somebody in the back? Do I see somebody in the back? 400-450 [speaking gibberish] Sold! For 300 dollars to me! [bangs gavel, which squeaks] What the hell is that?
Phyllis: That's the only gavel I could find.
Michael Scott: It squeaks when you bang it. That's what she said. Let's hear it for me, right? A bargain at any price.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Mike, do my thing.
Michael Scott: Yes, great. Very good. So, Darryl and the boys in the hood in the warehouse have graciously donated to go out for a beer with them right now.
Michael Scott: You know what? I'm actually going to bid on this. I'm gonna start the bidding because this is something that I've dreamt of.
Darryl: Mike, you can't do this. It's conflict of interest.
Jim: $5.
Darryl: Sold to Jim!
Michael Scott: Okay. Okay, sold! Have fun, you guys.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Hi, I'm Kevin. And I'll do your taxes. Let's hear an opening bid, everybody. Who's first? Kevin do your taxes.
He's the taxman. Kevin the taxman. Federal and state.
Michael Scott: Federal and state.
Kevin: Fine.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Phyllis, someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick.
Phyllis: Oh, dear.
[outside:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I had to get your attention. This is an emergency.
Phyllis: Why couldn't you just said it? Why did you actually do it?
Dwight K. Schrute: Listen, she ignored my ultimatum. Now what?
Phyllis: Now you move on.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, fine. I've moved on. Now how do I get her back?
Phyllis: Dwight, I don't think you. I think you've got your answer.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, that's it? That's your advice? I thought you had some kind of big master plan.
Phyllis: Well, I just think we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, I get it. You're trying to secure your place as head of the party-planning committee. You're just being selfish. [Phyllis slaps Dwight] And you slap like a girl.

Quote from Jim

Roy: So Pam's happy?
Jim: Yeah, I'd say she's happy. I mean, she loves her classes. Loves the city. Last night, she was out with her friends till like, 8:00 A.M.
Roy: Wow.
Jim: What?
Roy: I thought you were a friend.
[cut to Jim in his car at night:]
Jim: I am going to see Pam. Because I feel like I should.

Quote from Michael Scott

Bob Vance: When are you getting to Bruce?
Michael Scott: Ah, just a few more items.
Bob Vance: Bruce, Bruce! [others join in] Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!
Michael Scott: All right, all right! Here we go, here we go. All right, big ticket item. [cheering and applause] All right, in my pocket, I have two tickets to Mr. Bruce Springsteen, front. Oh, where are those? Has anyone seen an envelope with Bruce Springsteen front row tickets and backstage passes? Anybody seen something like... Laying around?
Stanley: Do you want us to look for'em?
Michael Scott: No. I think they were stolen. I think they were stolen and they're gone forever. So... Oh, that was the last good item. So good job, everybody.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Phyllis: I have my hug.
Michael Scott: Well, Phyllis, nobody really wants a hug, so.
Bob Vance: I'll bid on a hug.
Michael Scott: She's your wife, you idiot.
Bob Vance: $100.
David: 200.
Michael Scott: Uh, what the hell is happening?
Andy: 250.
Angela: What are you doing?
Andy: I need a hug, unless you're gonna give me one.
Angela: Not here.
Bob Vance: 300.
Michael Scott: 300. We have 300. 300 going once, 300 going twice.
Dwight K. Schrute: 300 and one penny.

Quote from Michael Scott

Bob Vance: 500.
Michael Scott: 500, 500, 500.
Dwight K. Schrute: 500 and one penny.
Michael Scott: 500 and one penny. $1 million!
Bob Vance: 700.
Dwight K. Schrute: 700 and one penny.
Michael Scott: Humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-
One thousand.
Dwight K. Schrute: Eh, it's not worth it.
Michael Scott: 1,000 going once, 1,000 going twice. Sold for 1,000 dollar. [applause] Nicely done.

Quote from Jim

[As Jim approaches the freeway exit for New York city, he pulls a U turn]
Jim: No. You know what? No. Because I'm not that guy. And we are not that couple. That looks good.

Quote from David

David: No. I did not know that Michael was dating Holly.


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