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‘Crime Aid’ Quotes

The Office: Crime Aid

505. Crime Aid

Aired October 23, 2008

The office is robbed after Michael and Holly forget to lock up the building. Michael decides to host a charity auction to raise money to replace the lost items.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction. Where people from all over Scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. I'm calling it Crime Aid. It's like Farm Aid. But instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty.

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Quote from Creed

Creed: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman, Fast Car. And my personal favorite, Short People.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me, I'll know for sure.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: That was really fun last night.
Holly: Yeah, it was nice.
Michael Scott: I'm actually thinking about getting my own set of put-put golf clubs.
Holly: Oh, that would be great. You need that.
Michael Scott: Really?
Holly: Yeah, it would help.
Michael Scott: [whispering to camera] I let her win.
Holly: [whispering to camera] No, he didn't.

Quote from Holly

Michael Scott: So, when can I see you again?
Holly: Tonight. I'm free tonight. Is that too eager? I don't care. I'm free tonight.
Michael Scott: Okay. Oh, wait. Oh, tonight's no good. Because I am busy taking you out.
Holly: Oh, I just remembered. I can't tonight.
Michael Scott: Why?
Holly: I'm going out with you.
Michael Scott: [chuckling] Wow. Wait a second. I can't tonight.
Holly: No more.
Michael Scott: Tonight's so-
Holly: No more.
Michael Scott: All right. Too many times. It's all good.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Phyllis: What are you making?
Dwight K. Schrute: A knife.
Phyllis: You're making a knife with a knife?
Dwight K. Schrute: You got a better way?
Phyllis: You wanna talk about it?
Dwight K. Schrute: About what?
Phyllis: You know I know. You know they know.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know none of that. And if I did, you'd be the last to know.

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: The mall could be fun. We could go to the food court, get different foods. You could get chicken teriyaki. I could get a hot dog.
Michael Scott: Some of what we order depends on if we're having sex after.
Holly: [gasps]
Michael Scott: Oh, my. Wow. Elephant in the room. Are we, do you think? Do you think we're gonna have sex tonight?
Holly: Hell yeah.
Michael Scott: OK, so we do the restaurant thing, and then... Then we can do... We'll just do the restaurant first.
Holly: Yeah, that's good.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Probably get soup or something light.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: She introduced me to so many things: pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism. Presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.
Phyllis: It's nice to learn new things.
Dwight K. Schrute: I was talking to myself.
Phyllis: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just- I don't get it.
Phyllis: What don't you get?
Dwight K. Schrute: Why is she marrying Andy?
Phyllis: Angela's not really a risk taker. And Andy's not really a risk.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's really fattening.
Phyllis: No, it's lettuce.

Quote from Kevin

Angela: Yes, that's correct. I need to cancel checks from 10,001 to 90,000.
Oscar: Great, they stole my laptop.
Kevin: Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector.
Oscar: How does that even compare?
Kevin: Oscar, I'm now going to be prone to surges.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Oh, my God. What happened?
Jim: We were robbed last night.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bravo, Watson.
Jim: Looks like a classic 7-men job. Security tapes were stolen. Motives, financial. Or possibly vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out. And that is all we have.

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: Can I talk to you for a second?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Holly: That wasn't us, right? You remembered to lock the doors?
Michael Scott: No, did you?
Holly: Michael, I think this is our fault.
Michael Scott: Oh, no. No, my god! My god.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: So much for sex without consequences.

Quote from Jim

Jim: So apparently Pam went out last night and accidentally called my work phone at 3:00 in the morning. So... I'm on minute six of this message. The future mother of my children.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Come on! Let's have an auction. Let's do this. We'll auction off people, like in the olden days.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want.
Angela: Who would ever come to this?
Michael Scott: I don't know. It could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be an old person. It could be a lookie-loo. Or it could be a Bruce Springsteen fan. What? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes without saying. Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady. It seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy. There's really something going on.
Jim: Do you need us for any of this?
Michael Scott: Do I?

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: Michael scored the big ticket item. Springsteen tickets. The boss scored The Boss.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I think that's pretty boss.
Holly: He knows how to get things. He got me.
Michael Scott: Wow.
Holly: Sorry.
Michael Scott: Twice. Right?
Holly: Uh-huh.
Michael Scott: Uh-huh.

Quote from Michael Scott

[Michael comes on stage to Huey Lewis and The News' "The Heart of Rock and Roll"]
Michael Scott: Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Pump up the volume. Thank you very much, everybody.
Thank you, Mr. Springsteen. And welcome to C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D. Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry, I Declare. It is not known how many office robberies occur every second, cause there is no Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics. However, tonight, its victims are standing together and standing strong in the form of song, Cooking lessons and hugs. Really, Phyllis? You're auctioning a hug? Okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction! Take it away, Bruce!
[Huey Lewis and the News' "Heart of Rock and Roll" resumes]

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: Well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. It just says Creed.
Creed: Yeah, that's all-inclusive.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What did Phyllis do wrong? I'll tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me.

Quote from Holly

Michael Scott: Listen, about the tickets. It's sort of a gray- Kind of a gray area in terms of whether I had them.
[aside to camera:]
Holly: The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true. But a lot of Michael seems too good to be true. So far it's all true. But yeah, those tickets really seemed too good to be true.


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