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60Quotes from ‘The Negotiation’

The Office: The Negotiation

319. The Negotiation

Aired April 5, 2007

After Darryl demands a pay rise and learns how much Michael really makes, he coaches his boss to demand more money from Corporate. Meanwhile, Dwight is the hero of the office after he defends Jim from Roy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: A boss' salary isn't just about money. It is about perks. It- For example, every year I get a $100 gas card. Can't put a price tag on that.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: No need for consternation. Everything is under control.
Jan: [on the phone] Michael, last Friday, one of your employees attacked another employee in your office.
Michael Scott: It was a crime of passion, Jan. Not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise because I need to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you.
Jim: Where'd you get that?
Michael Scott: Wikipedia.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.

Quote from Toby

Toby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But if he did intend that- Wow. Genius.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way overpaid.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: What's this?
Jim: What's what?
Dwight K. Schrute: "Certificate of Bravery from the Scranton Police Department recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man, Dwight K. Schrute."
Jim: Wow. I guess word got around. That's a nice honor.
Dwight K. Schrute: Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look, there's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap.
Jim: [mumbling] Didn't think you'd notice.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Pam, please call security.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Every day for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And every day, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?

Quote from Jim

Jim: It was a little glass display case for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even-Steven.

Quote from Michael Scott

Darryl: You ready for me?
Michael Scott: Yes, yeah. Absolutely. Have a seat. You know what, actually, let's go into the conference room.
Darryl: Okay.
Michael Scott: No, you know what, let's stay here. Let's go. Yeah, let's go to the conference room.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws them off.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: Who makes it?
Michael Scott: Umm. MISSterious. It is mysterious, because the buttons are on the wrong side. That's the mystery.
Phyllis: Look, it's got shoulder pads. And did you see that lining?
Michael Scott: Okay.
Phyllis: Did you see that?
Michael Scott: Would you stop it, please?
Jim: So none of that tipped you off?
Michael Scott: It's European, okay? It's a European cut.
Pam: Michael, the pants don't have any pockets.
Michael Scott: No, they don't, see? Italians don't wear pockets.

Quote from Karen

Karen: When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.

Quote from Toby

Toby: This may the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'm going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want. Then I want you to slide it back across the desk to me.
Darryl: Why can't I just tell you?
Michael Scott: Because that is the way these things are done in films. Now slide it.

Quote from Creed

Creed: I remember it was very late at night, like 11:00, 11:30. Big fella comes in screaming about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car, something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter-
Angela: You're useless.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now I'm back, got a second chance and I'm not going to blow it. So, look out, Dunder Mifflin. I mean "look out" in a fun way. You know, not like, "I'm going to hurt you."

Quote from Angela

Kevin: Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight.
Oscar: It was crazy.
Angela: You saw it? Describe it, please.
Oscar: Well, I heard some shouting, and I look over and Roy's by reception, and you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. Jim says something, Roy stomps over there, all of a sudden, bam, Roy goes down and Dwight's standing there like an action hero.
Angela: Oh.
Oscar: It was insane.
Angela: Well, good for Dwight.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, Darryl, ask me for a raise.
Jim: Hey, Mike, since Roy left I've been doing a lot more work and I need a raise.
Michael Scott: Well, that's interesting, Darryl. I think that maybe you should [mumbling]
Jim: Can't hear you.
Michael Scott: What I'm saying is that [mumbling]
Jim: Still nothing.
Michael Scott: Okay. See what I did?
Jim: No.
Michael Scott: By leaning back and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Okay, let's try another one.
Jim: Okay.
Michael Scott: Walking out of the room unexpectedly.
Jim: And what happens in this one?
Michael Scott: That's a surprise.
Jim: Okay.
Michael Scott: Go ahead, ask me for a raise.
Jim: Can I have a raise?
Michael Scott: [gets up, walks out]
Jim: Sex. Steve Martin. Teri Hatcher.
Michael Scott: What?
Jim: What?
Michael Scott: Well, what did you say?
Jim: I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what would happen.
Michael Scott: No, it's- It sounded interesting, what you were gonna-

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I saw the perpetrator advance towards the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked, indicating an attack position. Perp grabbed the victim. I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place.
Toby: Which is where?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator's eyes, nose and face area, rendering him utterly and completely disabled. Then I contacted the authorities. The end.
Toby: Thanks, Dwight.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was riffling through them like crazy. And I grabbed one. And it fit. So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least, it's bisexual.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Let's get down to business. Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise.
Darryl: Well, it's simple, Mike. I mean, we merged these two branches, right? So now we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to. And with Roy gone, we've got a smaller crew. And I'm picking up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly by getting a raise.
Michael Scott: [softly] Well, those are very good points.
Darryl: What? I can't hear you.
Michael Scott: [softly] Those are very good points.
Darryl: I can't- What, Mike? Are you-
Michael Scott: [softly] You make a very compelling argument.

Quote from Darryl

Michael Scott: Oh, come on. Be serious.
Darryl: I am serious, Mike. That's a 10-percent raise. That's what I want.
Michael Scott: I can't give you that. I don't make this much.
Darryl: Come on, be for real, Mike.
Michael Scott: I don't. I'll prove it to you. There is a pay stub.
Darryl: Are you serious? You're earning this?
Michael Scott: Plus perks. Yes.
Darryl: Mike, this is barely more than I make. You've been here ten years, dawg.
Michael Scott: Fourteen years. [Darryl laughing] No, please, please don't.
Darryl: I'm sorry, Mike. Some mofos got to hear about this one.
Michael Scott: Okay. Let's take 15 again.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Okay. If you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer or lunch or something.
Dwight K. Schrute: When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?
Jim: Boy, I-
Dwight K. Schrute: No. And why are you so interested in buying me something, Jim? What's your angle?

Quote from Jim

Jim: It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now I want to be nice to him and actually give him something, and he's like an eel. I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: [on the phone] Well, why don't we talk next month after the quarter ends?
[Darryl shakes his head at Michael]
Michael Scott: No, Jan. I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I want to do it today.
Jan: Today? All right, well, if you want to do it today, we should do it in person, and can you get here by 5:00?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Yeah, I'll leave right away.
Jan: Great. And listen, because of our, you know, situation, we're going to need to have a third party present.
Michael Scott: Yes. I'm bringing Darryl.
Jan: Darryl from the warehouse?
Michael Scott: Mmm-hmm.
Jan: No, Michael, we- We need an HR rep, so I think you should just bring Toby.
Michael Scott: Hey, I'd rather kill myself.
Jan: Michael, he's your branch's HR rep-
Michael Scott: No, Toby is terrible.
Jan: and we need someone else in the room-
Michael Scott: Toby is the worst human being I've ever known.

Quote from Michael Scott

Darryl: Comfortable, Mike?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Darryl: What about you, man, you comfortable?
Toby: No.
Michael Scott: [imitating Chris Tucker] Don't ever touch a black man's radio. Chris Tucker, Rush Hour. I won't touch yours, by the way.
Darryl: Thank you.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I haven't been to New York in a long time.
Michael Scott: Big Apple.
Darryl: Maybe I'll stay overnight. I got a cousin who lives down there.
Toby: How will we get home?
Darryl: Oh, you can stay, too. He's got a big place.
Michael Scott: Maybe I'll stay.
Darryl: It's not that big. Buses, though, will get you home quick.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Yeah. I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise. I just can't help myself.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Who is the boy toy?
Jan: That's my new assistant.
Michael Scott: Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?
Jan: I have to call you the second I get a new assistant now?
Michael Scott: Be nice to get a memo. We are lovers.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: [clears throat]
Michael Scott: [clears throat]
Jan: First- First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear?
Michael Scott: Bippety, boppety.
Jan: Right now, we can offer you a six-percent raise.
Michael Scott: Six percent? After all we've been through?
Jan: Oh, God.
Michael Scott: I got you jade earrings.
Jan: Michael.
Michael Scott: No. No. No.
Jan: Michael.
Michael Scott: You're going to play it like this? You give me a good raise or no more sex. [to Toby] What are you writing, perv-ball?
Toby: Just preparing for the deposition.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart? This is me, Jan. This is me. Okay.
Jan: Michael, please. You know, why don't we just take a break? Okay. This is- This is going nowhere.
Michael Scott: No. No. No. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I'm not going anywhere.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: What's wrong with you?
Michael Scott: I don't know. Was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then your assistant is all young and hot and I-
Jan: Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12-percent raise, but you have got to ask for 15.
Michael Scott: That's ridiculous. I'm never going to-
Jan: No, just I just need you to ask for it so I can record that you asked for it. Okay?
Michael Scott: Ah. So... All right, Levinson, here's the rub. I would like a 15-percent raise.
Jan: No, but we can offer you 12.
Michael Scott: But you just said 15.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: Dwight. Dwight. I've been doing some very interesting reading.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really?
Angela: Tales of bravery.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good stuff?
Angela: Uh-huh. I was thinking tonight we could read it together.
Dwight K. Schrute: That sounds fun. [kisses Angela]

Quote from Jim

[After witnessing Dwight and Angela kissing in the office:]
Jim: I will never say a word. And now we are even.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: [on the phone] What is the situation, Toby?
Toby: Well, we fired Roy, obviously. And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company.
Jan: Thank God.
Toby: Yeah. But now, apparently, Darryl has some issue with this-
Michael Scott: No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months, and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage.
Jan: Well, are you gonna take care of this?
Michael Scott: Yeppers.
Jan: What did I tell you about "yeppers"?
Michael Scott: I don't remember.
Jan: I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?
Michael Scott: Yesh.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I guess all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray, and not the nunchuks or the throwing stars.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Hey, man, I never got a chance to thank you for stopping Roy. Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: "Thank you" not necessary and thus not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded.
Jim: Okay. Got you something.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't want it.
Jim: You don't know what it is.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't want it, won't open it, don't need it, won't take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: That is the bravest thing I have ever heard.
Ryan: I can't imagine what I would have done.
Kelly: I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like the time we were on the Ferris wheel, and that kid dropped a milkshake on me and you just laughed.
Ryan: Well, that was funny. That's why.
Kelly: Oh, it was? Okay, well, the next time that you get scared that you think a murderer is in your apartment in the middle of the night, and you call me to calm you down-
Ryan: Okay, you know what, I-
Toby: Could you stop?
Kelly: you can just call somebody else because I'm not going to do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not.
Ryan: Well, don't talk to me about calling-
Toby: There's a bunch of people back here.
Kelly: I call you in the middle of the night-

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Are you wearing lady clothes?
Michael Scott: What?
Darryl: Are you wearing lady clothes? Those look like lady pants.
Michael Scott: No. This is a power suit.
Darryl: That there is a woman's suit.
Michael Scott: I do not buy women's clothes. Do not make that mistake again.
Darryl: I'm going to call Roy, man.
Michael Scott: Okay. All right.
Darryl: This is going to make him feel better. This is too good.

Quote from Karen

Karen: Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet?
Michael Scott: No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Negotiations are all about controlling things, about being in the driver's seat. And you make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore women's clothes.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: So, Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman?
Karen: I feel great, Kevin. Thank you.

Quote from Angela

Stanley: You must have been scared out of your mind.
Karen: Well, you know, it happened so fast, I didn't really have time to be scared.
Angela: What happened, exactly? I wasn't here. So I haven't really heard the whole story.
Karen: Um. Well, Jim and I were talking. And Roy walked in, looking super angry. And he's a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way and Roy cocked his fist. And then? And then, bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt.
Angela: Goodness.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Sorry I almost got you killed.
Jim: Yeah. That was nuts.
Pam: He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what I was thinking, right?
Jim: No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection.
Pam: Not anymore. It's completely over now.
Jim: [chuckling] We'll see. I'm sure you guys will find your way back to one another someday.
Pam: Jim. I am really sorry.
Jim: Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it.

Quote from Karen

Karen: Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks.
Jim: No. Yes. That's probably what it is. So what do I do?
Karen: I don't know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip.

Quote from Creed

Kevin: Michael? Here's the $15 I owe you.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Kevin: Yeah. I heard you might need it, so-
Creed: Here's the $40 you gave me.
Michael Scott: I didn't give you $40.
Creed: In a way, you did.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. Okay, all right, I got to go. Late.
Michael Scott: Okay. Okay. Here's the straight dope. No tricks, no Wikipedia.
Darryl: What?
Michael Scott: I talked to corporate and they told me that I can only give you a five-percent raise.
Darryl: That's 'cause of you, Mike. They're not going to give the working man more than the boss.
Michael Scott: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Darryl: Get your own raise. You've got to get out there and earn, son.

Quote from Darryl

Michael Scott: I'm not going to go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous.
Darryl: Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put you in charge. Okay? And we're shipping more now than we ever have.
Michael Scott: That's true. Yeah, that's true. You got to call your girl and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship.
Michael Scott: You know what, I should.
Darryl: Yeah, you should.
Michael Scott: I've been a loyal employee for a long time.
Darryl: Fourteen years long.
Michael Scott: You know what, I deserve a bump.
Darryl: Make it happen, Captain.
Michael Scott: I am making it happen, Sergeant.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: You are so mean.
Ryan: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kelly: Yes, you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid.
Ryan: No. I said-

Quote from Toby

Michael Scott: Toby, come on, let's go.
Toby: Where?
Michael Scott: Where? I'm going to smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go.
Kelly: [to Ryan] What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?
Toby: All right.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.
Ryan: Don't you see why that's insane?
Kelly: Oh, so I'm crazy now?

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: [answering the phone] Dunder Mifflin, customer service. This is Kelly. Oh, yeah, I can totally help you with that. Okay. Let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams?

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Bring it home now. And don't forget the new black-man phrase I taught you.
Michael Scott: Pippety poppety, give me the zoppety.
Darryl: Yes, sir. Remember that. I'll be right outside if you need me.

Quote from Roy

Roy: I'm so sorry, Pammy. I mean, I wasn't going to do anything, but then I kept thinking about you two together. I just thought you guys were really good friends or maybe he was gay or something. Not that that's wrong.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I'm sorry, too. I just I think that we both made some bad choices.
Roy: So, you going to start dating Halpert then?
Pam: Um. No. No. He has a girlfriend.
Roy: Oh, yeah. Wait a minute, you broke up our wedding for the guy.
Pam: No. There were a lot of reasons.
Roy: What, you're not even going to try to go out with him? I don't get you, Pam.
Pam: I know.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win, win, win. But, you know, life is about more than just salary. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan Michael.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Hey, guys, guess who's back? [Dwight pepper sprays Andy, he screams] Oh, God!
[later, Dwight talks to camera as Toby removes all his weapons:]
Dwight K. Schrute: No need to thank me. I'm not a hero. I'm a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro from Heroes. That's a hero. Also Bono.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I really don't want to talk about it. I don't mean to be rude. But I just, I don't want to comment on what happened. It sucked.


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