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36Quotes from ‘Ultimatum’

The Office: Ultimatum

713. Ultimatum

Aired January 20, 2011

When the Dunder Mifflin employees return to the office in the new year, Pam encourages them to make resolutions. Meanwhile, Michael is eager to find out the result of Holly's ultimatum to AJ.

Quote from Darryl

Bookstore employee: Well, if you read a lot, you should check out our e-readers. They're really neat.
Darryl: Whoa, I work at a paper company, those things terrify me. They could put us out of business, you know? I heard those machines hold, like, ten books at once.
Bookstore employee: Actually, it's ten thousand.
Darryl: Holy [bleep]. What? Let me see that. It's so light. Like a croissant.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Man: Next up, secretary Schrute will read the minutes from Sunday's meeting.
Dwight K. Schrute: Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. No, Jim, hey!
Jim: Oh.
Dwight K. Schrute: This meeting is for Knights of the Night only.
[later, to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. We're often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels. One of our many recent good deeds? We set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.

Quote from Creed

Pam: Creed. I noticed you don't have a resolution on the board. What's yours?
Creed: I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not make a big deal about it. But I know everybody saw it. Just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.
Pam: How is it going?
Creed: I'm having a little trouble motivating.

Quote from Kevin

Pam: Because it's not about being perfect, it's about trying. In fact, why don't we go around and confess some of the ways that we've fudged on some of our resolutions?
Kevin: Well, I said that I would eat more vegetables, and I haven't yet. But it's okay. I still have time, since last year I ate none.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Okay, well, my confession is that today I had a sip of coffee. But that's fine.
Michael Scott: Is it?
Pam: Yes! Because with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I'll be down to one glass of iced tea a week.
Michael Scott: Next year? Come- I mean, what is the point? What is the point of that? I made a resolution to floss, and I did it. 12:01, January first, bam! Blood everywhere.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to them. 'Hey, what book is that? Cool, let's hang out tonight. sex already? Whoa...'
Andy: The bookstore?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's that easy?
Darryl: I'll come with you, show you how it's done.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I'll drive.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore, I can eat my PB&J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Oh, no, no, no. Uh-uh.
Dwight K. Schrute: Come on, why not? I've never been in one before. I'm tired of being Mr. Perfect Role Model all the time.
Darryl: I'm telling you, don't do it. I've got nothing against strip clubs, but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday. The day shift at a strip club? You can't unsee that.

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: Creed, you say you want to do a cartwheel? Nothing's stopping you. Come on, old man, do a cartwheel!
Creed: Well, I can't, I don't know how.
Michael Scott: You're just gonna somersault around for the rest of your life and you know what's going to be on your tombstone? Loser.
Creed: My tombstone's already made, thank you.

Quote from Kevin

Michael Scott: I wanted to apologize. These resolutions should be about you, and I made it about me, and it was none of my beeswax.
Kevin: You were super mean.
Michael Scott: It was insensitive and I am sorry.
Kevin: It was traumatizing, Michael. I wouldn't be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: January 3, 2011. A day which will live "in-famously". Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly. Otherwise otherwise known as a living, breathing angel, is engaged to another man. This is freaking me out. I- Okay, let's just switch to the happy video, okay? No, no, no, no, let's push through. We'll do this.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year's or they break up. Now, if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy, and I'm gonna start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down. And nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down.

Quote from Pam

Angela: Good morning.
Pam: Hey, guys! Fun thing. The index cards on your desk are resolution cards. You write your New Year's resolution on them, I'll collect them, and then display them on... da-da-da-da-da! This! Resolution board.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wow. Did your baby draw that?
Angela: The glitter is blinding.
Phyllis: I think it's good.
Pam: It's gonna be fun.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: I recently met Sue, the office administrator at Vance Refrigeration. She has this awesome wall full of fun initiatives and morale boosters and stuff. Sue just goes for it, she's awesome.

Quote from Michael Scott

Erin: Okay, champagne.
Michael Scott: Happy.
Erin: Sponge.
Michael Scott: Sad. To soak up my tears.
Erin: Gummi bears and gummi worms.
Michael Scott: Bears sad, worms happy. Come on, Erin.
Erin: Ukulele's happy?
Michael Scott: Sad, something to break.
Erin: Chocolates.
Michael Scott: For you, job well done.
Erin: Thank you! And two bottles of scotch.
Michael Scott: Both sad.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Hey, Dwight, I'm collecting resolution cards.
Dwight K. Schrute: Not doing that.
Pam: Why not?
Dwight K. Schrute: I've achieved plenty and there's no better than the best.

Quote from Erin

Pam: The goal of this meeting is to get everybody excited about their resolutions! Who's been good about their resolutions so far? Erin. Tell us about it.
Erin: Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day. And I must say that it is going immensely.

Quote from Creed

Erin: One, two, three. [does cartwheel] I did it! I did a cartwheel!
Creed: [bleep] you! [bleep] you! God!

Quote from Erin

Erin: I am really excited for Michael either way. Because if Holly chooses to be with him, he will be so, so happy. And if not, he'll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life!

Quote from Erin

Phyllis: Hey, want some company?
Erin: Want some company?
Holly: Oh, sure. Have a seat. How were your breaks?
Phyllis: Oh, really good, I went to Portugal.
Erin: I went to Portugal.
Holly: Oh, wow... you went together?
Phyllis: No.
Erin: No.


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