Previous Episode Next Episode 

36Quotes from ‘Ultimatum’

The Office: Ultimatum

713. Ultimatum

Aired January 20, 2011

When the Dunder Mifflin employees return to the office in the new year, Pam encourages them to make resolutions. Meanwhile, Michael is eager to find out the result of Holly's ultimatum to AJ.

Quote from Darryl

Bookstore employee: Well, if you read a lot, you should check out our e-readers. They're really neat.
Darryl: Whoa, I work at a paper company, those things terrify me. They could put us out of business, you know? I heard those machines hold, like, ten books at once.
Bookstore employee: Actually, it's ten thousand.
Darryl: Holy [bleep]. What? Let me see that. It's so light. Like a croissant.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Man: Next up, secretary Schrute will read the minutes from Sunday's meeting.
Dwight K. Schrute: Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. No, Jim, hey!
Jim: Oh.
Dwight K. Schrute: This meeting is for Knights of the Night only.
[later, to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. We're often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels. One of our many recent good deeds? We set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.

Quote from Creed

Pam: Creed. I noticed you don't have a resolution on the board. What's yours?
Creed: I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not make a big deal about it. But I know everybody saw it. Just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.
Pam: How is it going?
Creed: I'm having a little trouble motivating.

Quote from Kevin

Pam: Because it's not about being perfect, it's about trying. In fact, why don't we go around and confess some of the ways that we've fudged on some of our resolutions?
Kevin: Well, I said that I would eat more vegetables, and I haven't yet. But it's okay. I still have time, since last year I ate none.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Okay, well, my confession is that today I had a sip of coffee. But that's fine.
Michael Scott: Is it?
Pam: Yes! Because with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I'll be down to one glass of iced tea a week.
Michael Scott: Next year? Come- I mean, what is the point? What is the point of that? I made a resolution to floss, and I did it. 12:01, January first, bam! Blood everywhere.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to them. 'Hey, what book is that? Cool, let's hang out tonight. sex already? Whoa...'
Andy: The bookstore?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's that easy?
Darryl: I'll come with you, show you how it's done.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I'll drive.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore, I can eat my PB&J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Oh, no, no, no. Uh-uh.
Dwight K. Schrute: Come on, why not? I've never been in one before. I'm tired of being Mr. Perfect Role Model all the time.
Darryl: I'm telling you, don't do it. I've got nothing against strip clubs, but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday. The day shift at a strip club? You can't unsee that.

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: Creed, you say you want to do a cartwheel? Nothing's stopping you. Come on, old man, do a cartwheel!
Creed: Well, I can't, I don't know how.
Michael Scott: You're just gonna somersault around for the rest of your life and you know what's going to be on your tombstone? Loser.
Creed: My tombstone's already made, thank you.

Quote from Kevin

Michael Scott: I wanted to apologize. These resolutions should be about you, and I made it about me, and it was none of my beeswax.
Kevin: You were super mean.
Michael Scott: It was insensitive and I am sorry.
Kevin: It was traumatizing, Michael. I wouldn't be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: January 3, 2011. A day which will live "in-famously". Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly. Otherwise otherwise known as a living, breathing angel, is engaged to another man. This is freaking me out. I- Okay, let's just switch to the happy video, okay? No, no, no, no, let's push through. We'll do this.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year's or they break up. Now, if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy, and I'm gonna start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down. And nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down.

Quote from Pam

Angela: Good morning.
Pam: Hey, guys! Fun thing. The index cards on your desk are resolution cards. You write your New Year's resolution on them, I'll collect them, and then display them on... da-da-da-da-da! This! Resolution board.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wow. Did your baby draw that?
Angela: The glitter is blinding.
Phyllis: I think it's good.
Pam: It's gonna be fun.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: I recently met Sue, the office administrator at Vance Refrigeration. She has this awesome wall full of fun initiatives and morale boosters and stuff. Sue just goes for it, she's awesome.

Quote from Michael Scott

Erin: Okay, champagne.
Michael Scott: Happy.
Erin: Sponge.
Michael Scott: Sad. To soak up my tears.
Erin: Gummi bears and gummi worms.
Michael Scott: Bears sad, worms happy. Come on, Erin.
Erin: Ukulele's happy?
Michael Scott: Sad, something to break.
Erin: Chocolates.
Michael Scott: For you, job well done.
Erin: Thank you! And two bottles of scotch.
Michael Scott: Both sad.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Hey, Dwight, I'm collecting resolution cards.
Dwight K. Schrute: Not doing that.
Pam: Why not?
Dwight K. Schrute: I've achieved plenty and there's no better than the best.

Quote from Erin

Pam: The goal of this meeting is to get everybody excited about their resolutions! Who's been good about their resolutions so far? Erin. Tell us about it.
Erin: Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day. And I must say that it is going immensely.

Quote from Creed

Erin: One, two, three. [does cartwheel] I did it! I did a cartwheel!
Creed: [bleep] you! [bleep] you! God!

Quote from Erin

Erin: I am really excited for Michael either way. Because if Holly chooses to be with him, he will be so, so happy. And if not, he'll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life!

Quote from Erin

Phyllis: Hey, want some company?
Erin: Want some company?
Holly: Oh, sure. Have a seat. How were your breaks?
Phyllis: Oh, really good, I went to Portugal.
Erin: I went to Portugal.
Holly: Oh, wow... you went together?
Phyllis: No.
Erin: No.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [filming video] Michael, I know what you're thinking. Holly is engaged to another man, and you want to kill yourself. It may seem like a good idea, but it's not.
Erin: [giggles] Snot. Sorry, it sounded like you said it's snot. I am so sorry.
Michael Scott: Okay, so killing yourself. [laughs] I was just thinking about snot.

Quote from Holly

Holly: Oh, I get it. Everybody knows about the ultimatum.
Kelly: Yes, I told everyone.
Holly: [sticking both ring fingers up] Ha ha, ha ha!
Kevin: Hey, right back at you, bitch!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Happy! Happy, happy, happy, happy!
Michael Scott: [on video] Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, calm down, breathe.
Michael Scott: I'm trying!
Michael Scott: [on video] I said breathe!
Michael Scott: I'm trying!
Michael Scott: [on video] Wait a second, are you listening to music?
Michael Scott: What?
Michael Scott: [on video] Shut that off!
Michael Scott: I'm not listening to music!
Michael Scott: [on video] Fine, just go crazy for a little while! Lookin' good! You're lookin' good. [roping Michael in] Oh, I gotcha! I gotcha! I'm pulling you back! Michael dance off!
Michael Scott: Go! Oh, that's nice.
Michael Scott: [on video] Go!
Michael Scott: Me? Okay.
Erin: Go!
Michael Scott: [on video] Nice! We're gonna calm down later.
Michael Scott: I'm good.
Erin: Oh, yeah!
Michael Scott: Oh my God! [sprays champagne on Erin]

Quote from Andy

Andy: Drink less caffeine. That's a good one, Pam. Here's mine.
Pam: Learn to cook for one!
Andy: Yeah. I love cooking, but I always find myself throwing out half the food that I prepare, so... two years is time to just start preparing the right amount of food for the right number of people, which is one.
Pam: Well, maybe you'll meet someone.
Andy: No, some people don't just meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.

Quote from Oscar

Angela: Yes.
Pam: Make time for romance!
Oscar: Who's the senator?
Angela: My boyfriend.
Oscar: Oh, you mean the state senator. I'm sorry, I was confused, because you accidentally wrote 'the senator'.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, it's that easy? That's not a resolution, that's just... something I want to do. Okay, fine. I can do that... [makes trumpet sound] My resolution is meet a loose woman.
Angela: Oh, God.
Andy: That's a good one.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.
Andy: You know what, that's my new one. I'm taking that one, too.

Quote from Kelly

Michael Scott: Hello! Oh, somebody's got a new phone!
Holly: Yeah.
Michael Scott: That is neat.
Holly: I got it for Christmas. I'm so out of my league here.
Michael Scott: [as E.T.] E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone?
Holly: [as E.T.] Holly misses old phone.
Michael Scott: [as E.T.] Why?
Holly: [as E.T.] New phone is confusing. Gets bad reception.
Michael Scott: [as E.T.] Bummer.
Holly: [as E.T.] Bummer.
Michael Scott: [as E.T.] Reese's Pieces.
Holly: [as E.T.] Reese's Pieces?
Kelly: Oh, God, please stop!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Holly doesn't seem to be engaged, but she's talking to AJ like she is. I can't figure it out. Do you think she's already dating a different AJ?
Pam: I don't think so.
Michael Scott: When you broke it off with Roy, did you still tell him you loved him?
Pam: No.
Michael Scott: But you did still love him.
Pam: I'm not... I'm not going to have...
Michael Scott: Do you love him now?
Pam: No! Just talk to her.
Michael Scott: No. She'd just resent me. Or worse! She would think of me as her friend. [disgusted voice] Oh, hi friend! Bleuch.

Quote from Darryl

Dwight K. Schrute: What'd you get?
Darryl: A book about oceans.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, really? What else? Let me see.
Darryl: No, that's, uh, porn. Pornography. Old lady... nasty... porn.

Quote from Darryl

Andy: Hey, there's a roller rink across the street! There's always chicks at the rink.
Darryl: What kind of chicks are you going to meet there?
Andy: I don't know. Single moms at a skating party. Sweet sixteen, ten year reunion parties.
Dwight K. Schrute: Chicks fall down, need help getting back up.
Andy: Roller derby practice!
Darryl: We're going skating.

Quote from Michael Scott

Erin: This is all I could find.
Michael Scott: [holding broccoli in front of Kevin] Eat it.
Pam: You don't have to do that, Kevin.
Kevin: I don't know. I'm glad this is happening. Thank you, Michael.
Kelly: Why are you eating stem first?
Kevin: This is a new food for me, how else should I eat it?
Ryan: The other way.
Kevin: Can I get some cheese whiz? Or hollandaise?
Michael Scott: No. No cheese whiz, no hollandaise, no chocolate sauce, just eat it. Come on. Here comes the airplane, there you go. Open, open, into the hanger, there you go.
Pam: Oh, Michael.
Michael Scott: Eat it. Put it in your mouth, and just eat it.
Kevin: God, I hate it.
Michael Scott: I don't care whether you hate it! You said you'd do it!
Angela: All right!
Michael Scott: Eat it!

Quote from Ryan

Kevin: Hey, Ryan.
Ryan: Yeah.
Kevin: How's your fart project coming?
Ryan: That's real, real classy, Kevin. Hey, was it me or you that just shoved the butt end of a pound of broccoli into my mouth because Michael told me to?
Kevin: Me.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Oh, Pam, soda. Caffeine.
Pam: Yeah, just a little, I have a lot to deal with today.
Meredith: [holding a pack of cigarettes] Well, if you don't have to do 'em...
Kelly: Meredith, what are you doing? I could be pregnant!
Ryan: Okay, no.
[aside to camera:]
Kelly: My resolution was to get more attention.

Quote from Andy

Darryl: Sup?
Andy: Hey! Where did you go?
Darryl: To the arcade.
Andy: Oh, cool.
Darryl: Why, did you meet someone?
Andy: Yeah, I did actually. His name is Andy, and he roller skates like a Greek god and you know what? I kinda like hanging out with him.
Darryl: Right on, son.

Quote from Holly

Holly: We're gonna be just fine. You know how you say something over and over and the words start to sound weird? Going to be just fine... just fine... just fine... just fine...

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: Look at where you're going to be doing the cartwheel. So look at where you're going to be placing your hands. So pick a spot.
Creed: Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott: You ready to do this?
Creed: Yes, sir.
Michael Scott: You know what? I'm going to stay here as long as it takes.
Creed: I really appreciate it, Boss.
Michael Scott: It's about you. It's about you. Go!
Creed: I did it!
Michael Scott: You did?
Creed: The perfect cartwheel.
Michael Scott: Okay. Good.
Creed: What a rush! That's all I had to do all year.
Michael Scott: Congratulations. [holds hand out to shake Creed's, no response] All right. Well, all right. See you tomorrow.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: I know Sue. She's not that great. And you know her husband's in a wheelchair, right?


 Episode 711 Episode 714