Michael Scott: This is a little character I like to do. It is loosely based on Karnak, one of Carson's classic characters. Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hotdog stand behind the warehouse. [opening an envelope] Name three businesses that have better healthcare plans than Dunder Mifflin.

Dwight K. Schrute: And mine are at home in a display case above my bed.
Michael Scott: Yuck! TMI. TMI, my friends. [to camera] TMI? Too Much Information. It's just easier to say TMI. I used to say, "Don't go there," but that's lame.

Michael Scott: And now, to someone who goes quietly about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts. The Busiest Beaver Award goes to Phyllis Lapin! Yeah! Way to go, Phyllis. Nice work, per usual.
Phyllis: This says, "Bushiest Beaver."
Michael Scott: What? I told them "Busiest." Idiots.
Phyllis: It's fine.
Michael Scott: Well, we can fix it. We'll fix it up. You don't have to display that.

Michael Scott: I mean, come on, Jan. What, it's a- You're dropping an A-bomb on me here.
Jan: [on the phone] Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you?
Michael Scott: Well, yeah! I mean what is- What-
Jan: No, you can't. You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.
Michael Scott: No reason? It was the 05-05-05 party. It happens once every billion years.

Michael Scott: Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin. I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So- I You know, an employee will go home and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?" And the neighbor will say, "No, man. I mean, I slave all day. Nobody notices me." The next thing you know, the employee smells something terrible coming from the neighbor's house. The neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition.

Jan: [on the phone] And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money.
Michael Scott: Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N.
Jan: Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn't even make sense.
Michael Scott: Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage.

Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me, everyone. Can I have your attention, please? I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall.
Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies' room for a reason, and if you cannot behave like ladies, well, then you are not going to have a bathroom.
Pam: You're taking away our bathroom?
Dwight K. Schrute: We are going to have two men's rooms.
Phyllis: But where would we go?
Dwight K. Schrute: Be prepared to hold it, folks. From 9:00 a.m-

Dwight K. Schrute: Welcome to the Eighth Annual Dundies Awards. Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short. I have wrap-it-up music and I am not afraid to use it, Devon.

Michael Scott: The Spicy Curry Award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here! There you go.
Kelly: "Spicy Curry." What's that mean?
Michael Scott: Not everything means something. It's just a joke.
Kelly: Yeah, but why'd you give it to me?
Michael Scott: I don't know. I just-
Kelly: This is a bowler.
Michael Scott: I know. It's- They didn't have any more businessmen.
Kelly: Yeah, but everyone else-
Michael Scott: Just sit down, Kelly.

Michael Scott: It's so freaking hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man!