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56Quotes from ‘Goodbye, Michael’

The Office: Goodbye, Michael

722. Goodbye, Michael

Aired April 28, 2011

On what is supposedly Michael's penultimate day at Dunder Mifflin, he plans to say goodbye to everyone.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [addressing Creed, Gabe and Meredith] Whether you're scared of dying or dying alone or dying drunk in a ditch, don't be. It's going to be okay.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Yeah, I was tripling up. There's not enough time in the day to have a special moment with everybody.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, got almost everybody, so... Holly's my family now. She's my family. And the babies that I make with her will be my children. The people that you work with are just, when you get down to it, your very best friends. They say on your deathbed you never wish you spent more time at the office, but I will. Got to be a lot better than a deathbed. I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I think we should do cupcakes. I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, Oscar, you are very smart, and you have a gigantic education, and I think of you as my scarecrow, because you gave me a brain. So that's why I made you this.
Oscar: Thank you, Michael. It's beautiful.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: [laughing hysterically] It looks like- It looks like it was made by a two-year-old monkey on a farm. And he just- He just accepted it, that I- That I put all this work into it. Oh, man. He- He has the lowest opinion of me of anybody.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I bought this [holds up World's Best Boss mug] for myself. And yesterday, they gave me this. [throws mug in trash] I still need something to drink out of, though.

Quote from Phyllis

Michael Scott: Attention, everyone. Before I leave tomorrow, I would like to reveal a secret that I have kept for over 20 years. Secret about Phyllis.
Phyllis: Please, Michael.
Michael Scott: When Phyllis was in high school, she was so cute. And she still is.
[aside to camera:]
Phyllis: I thought he knew about the baby I gave away.

Quote from Meredith

Phyllis: Mmm, let's hear her out. I would, uh, like to hear more about these cakes.
Meredith: I know these Ethiopians that run a cake shop.
Angela: Good God.
Meredith: They make these cakes that are wild. I mean, they show everything.
Pam: I don't- I don't think we want a-
Meredith: No, I know what you're thinking, but it's not just black. They do it all. And the women on these cakes, they're not just guys' fantasies. They have real, full women. It is refreshing.
Pam: Okay, don't turn this into some feminist issue.
Phyllis: As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it just feels good to be represented on one.

Quote from Creed

Erin: Gabe!
Gabe: I need to talk to you.
Erin: You can't be in here. This is a ladies' bathroom.
Gabe: No, Erin, I respect your privacy, but I will follow you in here every time you go if that's what it takes.
Erin: Hey, Creed.
Creed: Not cool, man.

Quote from Toby

Toby: [on video chat] Here's the thing, Rory. I think you guys would hit it off in an odd way.
Rory: I could bring him a welcome basket. I'll surprise him.
Toby: Okay, well, you should give him a little time to settle in, but...
Rory: Does he like jams? My shelves are overflowing with preserves.
Toby: Well, no, he hates jams.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Darryl.
Darryl: Hey.
Michael Scott: I would like to give you the only copy of "Somehow I Manage", unfinished. If there's anybody here who can finish it, it's you.
Darryl: [chuckling] That's sweet, Mike. Let's see here. Here's a chapter called "Gum".
Michael Scott: Mmm.
Darryl: With one sentence. "Everybody likes the guy who offers them a stick of gum."
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm. It's true.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Dwight, I will be leaving tomorrow.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes?
Michael Scott: So I wanted to give you that. It's a letter of recommendation.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: This is gonna be good. [clears throat] "To whom it may concern." Good, real personal.
Thanks, Michael. "The dictionary defines 'superlative' as 'of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else or others; supreme.'" That's great. If I wanted the dictionary definition, I'd buy a dictionary. "I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order; supreme." [getting emotional] Lots more like that. Really repetitive. [finding business card] What's this? "2:45 behind the building, paintball."

Quote from Jim

Jim: So I've been meaning to tell you. I want to take you out for lunch. For your last day. What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch? You and me?
Michael Scott: [unenthusiastic] Okay.
Jim: You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today, right?
Michael Scott: [crying] Maybe.
Jim: Wow, so that's it, huh? Just 4:00 and you are gone for good.
Michael Scott: Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?
Jim: Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes goodbyes are a bitch. [chuckles]
Michael Scott: [into recorder] T-shirt idea. "Goodbyes stink." Okay. All right. So... James Halpert, you started with this company [breaking up] as a fine young man.
Jim: You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch.
Michael Scott: Oh. Okay.
Jim: And then tomorrow, I can tell you [clears throat] what a great boss you turned out to be. Best boss I ever had.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Phyllis. Mm-hmm.
Phyllis: Oh, they're still not done.
Michael Scott: Oh, no, no, no. Let me see. Oh, Phyllis. Nice try. I love 'em. [walks away, turns back and looks at everyone]
Creed: [catching Michael watching them all] See ya tomorrow, boss.
Michael Scott: Later, guys.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [to camera] Well, I guess this is it. Hey, will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. All right. [removes microphone] Oh. This is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest. [speaks, inaudible]
[A shoeless Pam walks up to Michael and gives him a hug. She watches as he walks away]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Dwight, I don't own Dunder Mifflin, okay? The job was not mine to give. Look, I need your advice on something. I am told that there are bears in the Rockies.
Dwight K. Schrute: Where did you hear that? Obvious XM radio?
Michael Scott: Well, I was just thinking that maybe I should keep a salami in my pocket...
Dwight K. Schrute: Great idea.
Michael Scott: In order to feed the bears.
Dwight K. Schrute: Especially if you think that life would be better without legs!
Michael Scott: How do you mean?
Dwight K. Schrute: Black bears can smell a salami at five Miles, Michael. What are you thinking? And they run faster than a horse. So if you were thinking about outrunning them on a horse, I would try a cheetah. You in tight pants, Michael, are a salami to a black bear. Do you understand?
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're like a giant walking salami.
Michael Scott: Okay, so no salami in the pants. How about a pepperoni?
Dwight K. Schrute: Any kind of meat you can possibly name. Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, I'm moving to Colorado to start my new life with Holly. Just up here getting used to the altitude.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes?
Dwight K. Schrute: I've got a treat for you.
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you. Like a butler.
Dwight K. Schrute: Colorado specialty: Rocky Mountain oysters.
Michael Scott: Wow, those do not taste like oysters.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's because they're not oysters. They're bull testicles! I cut them off fresh this morning! Ha!
Michael Scott: Sick freak. What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm the sick freak? After what you did, you expect to be buttled? After you didn't recommend me?

Quote from Jim

Andy: Hi, Jim.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: You guys are filming people when they go to the bathroom now?

Quote from Angela

Michael Scott: There they are. The party planning committee together again.
Pam: Well, we all wanted to plan your good-bye party. We thought this would be easier. We thought.
[later, all together to camera:]
Angela: It's an experiment.
Phyllis: The three of us have all been chairmen before.
Pam: So this is the dream team.
Meredith: [outside] Hey! What are you saying?
Angela: The dream team and Meredith.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Look, Michael, it's a going-away present so your hands won't get cold. It's almost done, but you can't get them wet, and they can't be dry-cleaned either. You have to hand wash without water, wring dry gently, and use a hair dryer on cool.
Michael Scott: Sounds great. I just think it's great.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, I have gifts as well. And I will start by giving the first gift to Phyllis. Phyllis, you are shy and sweet, and you don't often speak your mind, but you should, because you have great ideas. So, Phyllis, I am giving you this so you can always remember to speak your mind. [Michael hands her a set of chattering teeth]
Phyllis: Gee, thanks, Michael.
Michael Scott: You're welcome.
Phyllis: It's cute.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Stanley, you love your sudoku and your puzzles. I bestow upon you, my felt. May you never lose the fun-loving quality in life.
Stanley: Where's the rest of it? It's got no balls.
Michael Scott: Well, okay.

Quote from Kevin

Pam: So I'm going to Carbondale this afternoon to get a new bulk shredder.
Kevin: Finally. That old shredder sucked.
Pam: It's a good shredder. It just keeps breaking.
Kevin: Yeah, and it won't shred magazines.
Pam: It's not supposed to shred magazines, Kevin.
Kevin: I know.
Jim: Did you break the shredder, Kevin?
Kevin: No. It's just that old shredder sucks. Just get one that'll shred magazines.
Pam: I don't think any of them are supposed to shred magazines.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [crying] I can't- I can't do this. All the channels are gonna be different there. I'm not gonna be able to find my shows. I'm not going to start improv at level one. I don't think my credits are gonna transfer. And you know what? I just figured out where I was supposed to go to vote.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I gotta call her. And I am going to tell her that I cannot come.
Holly: [answering phone] Hello there.
Michael Scott: Hi. What is the name of our town?
Holly: Boulder. Is something wrong? Are you okay?
Michael Scott: No. No, I just needed to hear your voice.
Holly: [as Yoda] Oh, you mean this?
Michael Scott: [laughing] Yeah. [as Olive Oyl] Yes, my hero.

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: Well, you know Michael, I have a brother, in Boulder. Rory Flenderson. You should look him up.
Michael Scott: [long silence; through gritted teeth:] Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

[Michael stands behind Ryan in his blue-lit broom closet/cubicle where Michael's old neon sign hangs]
Michael Scott: She was once my girl, and she is your girl now.
Ryan: Wow. Yeah. This is totally unnecessary.
Michael Scott: You're not prone to seizures?
Ryan: No.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Catch you guys on the flippety-flip. Flippety-flip. Flippety-flip. Really? Okay, see you guys.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I know that Gabe is young and hot and everything, and he's begging me to reconsider, but I- I just think I'm in love with someone else.
Michael Scott: Kevin?
Erin: Andy. I wish I knew who my birth mother was so she could just tell me who to choose.
Michael Scott: Maybe neither.
Erin: I'm not attracted to Kevin.
Michael Scott: Erin, listen to me. You shouldn't rush into this at all. And you know why? Because you are beautiful, and you are fun, and you are smart. And when the right guy comes along, you'll know it. You will. Hey.
And you know what? You don't need a mom, because you have my number and you can call me anytime.
Erin: Extension 147.
Michael Scott: N...
Erin: I know.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, everybody, come on. Conference room, five seconds! Here we go! Hurry up! Let's do this!
Stanley: Yes. What is this about?
Michael Scott: What is this meeting about?
Stanley: Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott: All right. Well... Okay. Here we are in the conference room. Once again. And I just wanted to call you all here together because I have something important. Well, there's two things, actually. Okay, first, I would like a whereabouts on Pam, and, secondly, Phyllis, how are those mittens coming? Because I would actually like to bring them home and pack them, and I am leaving for the day at 4:00.
Phyllis: They're almost done, but my knuckles are swelling a little, and I-
Michael Scott: Well, power through the arthritis, Phyllis. You can do it.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Oh, shoot. That's my cab.
Jim: All right.
Michael Scott: All right.
Jim: Listen, Michael, I really- I did text Pam, but-
Michael Scott: I know. It's okay. Just give her a hug, all right?
Jim: I will see you tomorrow at lunch.
Michael Scott: I am looking forward to lunch. And hearing about what a great boss I am.
Jim: You got it.

Quote from Pam

Pam: No, he wasn't sad. He was full of hope. About Colorado. And he was hoping to get an upgrade as an awards member. And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

[The next day, in the conference room for Michael's going away party:]
DeAngelo: Well, if he's not gonna make it, at least we should go ahead and eat the cake. Yeah. I, for one, love the corners. Why did I just do that? This is not even that good. I don't even- I don't even want it. I had cake for lunch. No, you know what? I've been good. I deserve this. What am I doing? Come on, Deangelo.
Erin: Hey.
DeAngelo: [screaming into the cake] No! No!
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh-oh. [Jim nods]

Quote from Michael Scott

DeAngelo: You're not gonna take all your toys, are you? I mean, you don't-- You don't have a job lined up, so It's not like you have a desk to put 'em on.
Michael Scott: Well, I have interviews.
DeAngelo: That's nice. What about that truck? Can I have this little truck? Was thinking thinking I might glue a stapler on top or put a hole here and stick pens in it. You okay?
Michael Scott: Yes. Yes, you know what, take my favorite truck, sure.
DeAngelo: You know what, uh... It's your last couple of days. I'm gonna get out of your hair.
Michael Scott: Oh, you don't-
DeAngelo: I will be in the break room.
Michael Scott: Okay, that sounds good. Thank you.
DeAngelo: [to camera:] Dead man walking.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Sad? [fake sobbing] No. No, no. I don't leave till tomorrow, so tomorrow I will be a wreck.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: Stay away from Erin.
Andy: Hey.
Gabe: I'm your boss.
Andy: Why don't you, uh, stay away from me?
Gabe: No, I'm gonna stand where I want, okay? You don't want to get on my bad side. I've seen some horrible things. I own over 200 horror movies.
Andy: Okay, that's so weird! Just go away!
Gabe: No, you go away.

Quote from Michael Scott

Meredith: We decided on the ice cream. Mint chocolate chip, Your favorite.
Phyllis: Yeah, that was a surprise.
Michael Scott: You know what? I'm thinking maybe we should get ice cream that everybody will like. How about vanilla? Let's get vanilla.
Pam: Okay.
Michael Scott: Tomorrow, I want everybody to have a good time. No drama. And as for today, just a typical day. All right?
Pam: Should we get toppings?
Michael Scott: What do you like, Pam?
Pam: What?
Michael Scott: What kind of topping would you like?
Pam: Hot fudge?
Michael Scott: Sounds good. Fudge it up.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: And Andy. Andy, who needs confidence that he is a great salesman, I give you my clients. Our ten most important accounts.
Andy: Wow.
Stanley: Yeah, wow.
Andy: You know I'm the worst salesman here, right?
Michael Scott: But you're the best salesman on the inside.
Phyllis: What does that even mean?
Michael Scott: You sold us all on Andy, a product that nobody wanted.
Andy: I'm gonna lose 'em.
Michael Scott: You're not going to lose them.
Andy: I promise you that I will.
Michael Scott: Just do your best. I have faith in you.
Stanley: [to Andy] Gimme those clients.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I've given up expecting Michael to do the right thing or the decent thing or even the comprehensible thing.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Kevin, I have something for you. [holds up a drawing of Kevin as a pig eating pizza] You know who that is? Don't be a caricature, Kevin. Never be a caricature. How did that feel when I tore that up?
Kevin: Better?
Michael Scott: Good. Stand up. You will be thin. You won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore.
Kevin: But, I-
Michael Scott: You will find love.
Kevin: Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now.
Michael Scott: Don't be. You should never settle for who you are.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. Oscar, you are a-
Andy: Michael, I just lost Porter hardware! I just- I lost 'em.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? Just do your best, buddy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Was it just me, or did you think we were gonna have sex at some point?
Angela: It was just you.
Michael Scott: How would you have wanted to do it?
Angela: I- Don't.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? Inappropriate, because I am engaged happily, and you, you have landed yourself a senator.
Oscar: State senator.
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm. Bravo.
Oscar: Brava.
Michael Scott: Bra-?

Quote from Angela

Angela: Do you want to see some pictures? I just got these.
Michael Scott: Sure.
Angela: Um, these are... Okay, um, this is us at the theater. Oh, and, uh, antiquing. Oh, rollerblading.
Michael Scott: Rollerblading. Who's that? Who's that guy?
Angela: Oh, that's Thomas, Robert's aide.
Michael Scott: I guess this could be the one, huh?
Angela: Yeah. Yeah. [Oscar shakes his head no]

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: [to Andy] Walk away, bitch.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: Oh, um, Michael. Uh, where do you want your last paycheck sent?
Michael Scott: Last paycheck?
Oscar: Do you have an address yet in Colorado?
Michael Scott: No.
Oscar: What town do Holly's parents live in?
Michael Scott: I'm not sure. Um, Mountainton, I think.
Kevin: Sounds beautiful.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yeah, so I know I told everybody that tomorrow is my last day, but I'm- I'm gonna be leaving tonight. I, uh, head to the airport at 4:00. And, uh, I have said good-bye to half of them.

Quote from Kelly

Michael Scott: Ahem, Kelly? Kelly? Kelly?
Kelly: What?
Michael Scott: If I just went away right now, would that be the best gift that I could give you?
Kelly: Yes, please. Please go away and stop using that weird, slow voice.

Quote from Angela

Pam: So Michael said we can do whatever we want cake-wise. What do we want?
Meredith: Erotic.
Angela: See? This is what happens. You can't let a street dog into the house.

Quote from Gabe

Erin: I really think you should leave.
Gabe: Someday, you are going to tell our grandchildren about how their grandfather won you back in a women's room.

Quote from Andy

DeAngelo: Okay. So what's our approach? You a veteran? Do I have a month to live? You gonna get married tomorrow? What? Hmm?
Andy: I thought we'd just talk about our customer service and exceptional paper quality.
DeAngelo: That's stupid.
Andy: Well, what do I know?
DeAngelo: I know. What you know? We gotta get psyched up. Okay, guy? Let's get psyched. Is there an animal shelter on the way?
Andy: Yeah.
DeAngelo: Awesome! Ani-ani-shelto. Here we come. Andy, do you know how to high-five?
Andy: Yeah.
DeAngelo: 'Cause if you do, now's the time.
Andy: All right.
DeAngelo: Not while I'm driving.

Quote from Andy

DeAngelo: You know how I met Jo Bennett and got started on my ladder of success?
Andy: No, I don't.
DeAngelo: Walkin' along, out of work... Again. Thinking to myself, I've only got enough cash to buy a sandwich or get drunk. And I see this guy trying to steal this lady's dog. So I grab the dog, he runs off. She's so grateful, she hires me.
Andy: Aw, wow.
DeAngelo: Gimme that dog! It's not your dog! Yeah. Again.
Andy: Oh, okay.
DeAngelo: Gimme that damn dog, you [bleep] thief! It's her dog! Don't ever do it again! You hear me? You feel that energy? Yeah? Whoo! Yeah. Okay, again.

Quote from Michael Scott

Phyllis: [on the phone] Did you want the 2726 or the 2730?
Michael Scott: Phyllis? Phyllis, are my mittens done?
Phyllis: No. No. I'm on a sale-
Michael Scott: Okay, listen, it's 2:00 P.M. From now until 4:00, your priority is knitting. Knit like the wind. Okay.

Quote from Andy

DeAngelo: I would like to start by just saying that I have not worked with Mr. Andy Bernard here for very long. But I can say that he is no Michael Scott. I can't sit here and tell you that he's gonna be a success. Uh, I can't sit here and tell you that he's even the best man for the job. But I can say this. He's got potential. Sure. You know, I always say, "go big or go home." You go with this guy, you could be making the biggest mistake of your life. Or the biggest good decision of your life. It's either gonna be the best thing you ever did, or the worst thing you ever did. If you want some boring, white bread clock-watcher, who's gonna get you your paper when you ordered it for the agreed-upon price, Andy's not your guy. You ever play Russian roulette? Time to spin the chamber, Boris. By signing up for another year.

Quote from Andy

DeAngelo: That is cold, sir. Absolutely cold. You know what? It was a complete waste of my time.
Andy: Uh, DeAngelo, I'm- Uh. I forgot my bag, so I'm gonna I'll meet you in the car.
DeAngelo: Okay, whatever.
Andy: [returning to the client] Sir, I'd just like to apologize for that. I could tell you that he has a steel plate in his head, or that he's crazy, but the truth is, I think he's just a terrible salesman. And I want you to know that if you re-up with us, anything you need, day or night, I will be the one to take your call.
Client: Keep talkin'.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: And you, why are you still here?
Gabe: I'm either gonna quit today or stay to make sure that Andy's career is destroyed.
Michael Scott: No, you are not going to quit today. For goodness sake, this is not going to be your last day at the office. [sighs] Everybody gets dumped, Gabe. Can I give you a piece of advice? A little cover-up on your Adam's apple will make it appear smaller, which will make you look less like a transvestite. [winks]

Quote from Michael Scott

Stanley: Is that it? Is that it?
Michael Scott: Um. Hmm. No. No. There's a special guest that I would like to invite to say one last goodbye, so here he comes. He's coming right in. [returns, speaking in an stereotypical Asian accent] Hi, everybody! It's Ping! And I'm here to say goodbye to all you wonderful people. Thank you, everybody! You've been so wonderful. We were such a good- I "rove" you all. I "rove" you very much.


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