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‘Goodbye, Michael’ Quotes

The Office: Goodbye, Michael

722. Goodbye, Michael

Aired April 28, 2011

On what is supposedly Michael's penultimate day at Dunder Mifflin, he plans to say goodbye to everyone.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [addressing Creed, Gabe and Meredith] Whether you're scared of dying or dying alone or dying drunk in a ditch, don't be. It's going to be okay.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Yeah, I was tripling up. There's not enough time in the day to have a special moment with everybody.

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Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, got almost everybody, so... Holly's my family now. She's my family. And the babies that I make with her will be my children. The people that you work with are just, when you get down to it, your very best friends. They say on your deathbed you never wish you spent more time at the office, but I will. Got to be a lot better than a deathbed. I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I think we should do cupcakes. I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, Oscar, you are very smart, and you have a gigantic education, and I think of you as my scarecrow, because you gave me a brain. So that's why I made you this.
Oscar: Thank you, Michael. It's beautiful.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: [laughing hysterically] It looks like- It looks like it was made by a two-year-old monkey on a farm. And he just- He just accepted it, that I- That I put all this work into it. Oh, man. He- He has the lowest opinion of me of anybody.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I bought this [holds up World's Best Boss mug] for myself. And yesterday, they gave me this. [throws mug in trash] I still need something to drink out of, though.

Quote from Phyllis

Michael Scott: Attention, everyone. Before I leave tomorrow, I would like to reveal a secret that I have kept for over 20 years. Secret about Phyllis.
Phyllis: Please, Michael.
Michael Scott: When Phyllis was in high school, she was so cute. And she still is.
[aside to camera:]
Phyllis: I thought he knew about the baby I gave away.

Quote from Meredith

Phyllis: Mmm, let's hear her out. I would, uh, like to hear more about these cakes.
Meredith: I know these Ethiopians that run a cake shop.
Angela: Good God.
Meredith: They make these cakes that are wild. I mean, they show everything.
Pam: I don't- I don't think we want a-
Meredith: No, I know what you're thinking, but it's not just black. They do it all. And the women on these cakes, they're not just guys' fantasies. They have real, full women. It is refreshing.
Pam: Okay, don't turn this into some feminist issue.
Phyllis: As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it just feels good to be represented on one.

Quote from Creed

Erin: Gabe!
Gabe: I need to talk to you.
Erin: You can't be in here. This is a ladies' bathroom.
Gabe: No, Erin, I respect your privacy, but I will follow you in here every time you go if that's what it takes.
Erin: Hey, Creed.
Creed: Not cool, man.

Quote from Toby

Toby: [on video chat] Here's the thing, Rory. I think you guys would hit it off in an odd way.
Rory: I could bring him a welcome basket. I'll surprise him.
Toby: Okay, well, you should give him a little time to settle in, but...
Rory: Does he like jams? My shelves are overflowing with preserves.
Toby: Well, no, he hates jams.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Darryl.
Darryl: Hey.
Michael Scott: I would like to give you the only copy of "Somehow I Manage", unfinished. If there's anybody here who can finish it, it's you.
Darryl: [chuckling] That's sweet, Mike. Let's see here. Here's a chapter called "Gum".
Michael Scott: Mmm.
Darryl: With one sentence. "Everybody likes the guy who offers them a stick of gum."
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm. It's true.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Dwight, I will be leaving tomorrow.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes?
Michael Scott: So I wanted to give you that. It's a letter of recommendation.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: This is gonna be good. [clears throat] "To whom it may concern." Good, real personal.
Thanks, Michael. "The dictionary defines 'superlative' as 'of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else or others; supreme.'" That's great. If I wanted the dictionary definition, I'd buy a dictionary. "I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order; supreme." [getting emotional] Lots more like that. Really repetitive. [finding business card] What's this? "2:45 behind the building, paintball."

Quote from Jim

Jim: So I've been meaning to tell you. I want to take you out for lunch. For your last day. What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch? You and me?
Michael Scott: [unenthusiastic] Okay.
Jim: You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today, right?
Michael Scott: [crying] Maybe.
Jim: Wow, so that's it, huh? Just 4:00 and you are gone for good.
Michael Scott: Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?
Jim: Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes goodbyes are a bitch. [chuckles]
Michael Scott: [into recorder] T-shirt idea. "Goodbyes stink." Okay. All right. So... James Halpert, you started with this company [breaking up] as a fine young man.
Jim: You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch.
Michael Scott: Oh. Okay.
Jim: And then tomorrow, I can tell you [clears throat] what a great boss you turned out to be. Best boss I ever had.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Phyllis. Mm-hmm.
Phyllis: Oh, they're still not done.
Michael Scott: Oh, no, no, no. Let me see. Oh, Phyllis. Nice try. I love 'em. [walks away, turns back and looks at everyone]
Creed: [catching Michael watching them all] See ya tomorrow, boss.
Michael Scott: Later, guys.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [to camera] Well, I guess this is it. Hey, will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. All right. [removes microphone] Oh. This is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest. [speaks, inaudible]
[A shoeless Pam walks up to Michael and gives him a hug. She watches as he walks away]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Dwight, I don't own Dunder Mifflin, okay? The job was not mine to give. Look, I need your advice on something. I am told that there are bears in the Rockies.
Dwight K. Schrute: Where did you hear that? Obvious XM radio?
Michael Scott: Well, I was just thinking that maybe I should keep a salami in my pocket...
Dwight K. Schrute: Great idea.
Michael Scott: In order to feed the bears.
Dwight K. Schrute: Especially if you think that life would be better without legs!
Michael Scott: How do you mean?
Dwight K. Schrute: Black bears can smell a salami at five Miles, Michael. What are you thinking? And they run faster than a horse. So if you were thinking about outrunning them on a horse, I would try a cheetah. You in tight pants, Michael, are a salami to a black bear. Do you understand?
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're like a giant walking salami.
Michael Scott: Okay, so no salami in the pants. How about a pepperoni?
Dwight K. Schrute: Any kind of meat you can possibly name. Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, everybody, come on. Conference room, five seconds! Here we go! Hurry up! Let's do this!
Stanley: Yes. What is this about?
Michael Scott: What is this meeting about?
Stanley: Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott: All right. Well... Okay. Here we are in the conference room. Once again. And I just wanted to call you all here together because I have something important. Well, there's two things, actually. Okay, first, I would like a whereabouts on Pam, and, secondly, Phyllis, how are those mittens coming? Because I would actually like to bring them home and pack them, and I am leaving for the day at 4:00.
Phyllis: They're almost done, but my knuckles are swelling a little, and I-
Michael Scott: Well, power through the arthritis, Phyllis. You can do it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, I'm moving to Colorado to start my new life with Holly. Just up here getting used to the altitude.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes?
Dwight K. Schrute: I've got a treat for you.
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you. Like a butler.
Dwight K. Schrute: Colorado specialty: Rocky Mountain oysters.
Michael Scott: Wow, those do not taste like oysters.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's because they're not oysters. They're bull testicles! I cut them off fresh this morning! Ha!
Michael Scott: Sick freak. What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm the sick freak? After what you did, you expect to be buttled? After you didn't recommend me?

Quote from Jim

Andy: Hi, Jim.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: You guys are filming people when they go to the bathroom now?

Quote from Angela

Michael Scott: There they are. The party planning committee together again.
Pam: Well, we all wanted to plan your good-bye party. We thought this would be easier. We thought.
[later, all together to camera:]
Angela: It's an experiment.
Phyllis: The three of us have all been chairmen before.
Pam: So this is the dream team.
Meredith: [outside] Hey! What are you saying?
Angela: The dream team and Meredith.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Look, Michael, it's a going-away present so your hands won't get cold. It's almost done, but you can't get them wet, and they can't be dry-cleaned either. You have to hand wash without water, wring dry gently, and use a hair dryer on cool.
Michael Scott: Sounds great. I just think it's great.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, I have gifts as well. And I will start by giving the first gift to Phyllis. Phyllis, you are shy and sweet, and you don't often speak your mind, but you should, because you have great ideas. So, Phyllis, I am giving you this so you can always remember to speak your mind. [Michael hands her a set of chattering teeth]
Phyllis: Gee, thanks, Michael.
Michael Scott: You're welcome.
Phyllis: It's cute.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Stanley, you love your sudoku and your puzzles. I bestow upon you, my felt. May you never lose the fun-loving quality in life.
Stanley: Where's the rest of it? It's got no balls.
Michael Scott: Well, okay.

Quote from Kevin

Pam: So I'm going to Carbondale this afternoon to get a new bulk shredder.
Kevin: Finally. That old shredder sucked.
Pam: It's a good shredder. It just keeps breaking.
Kevin: Yeah, and it won't shred magazines.
Pam: It's not supposed to shred magazines, Kevin.
Kevin: I know.
Jim: Did you break the shredder, Kevin?
Kevin: No. It's just that old shredder sucks. Just get one that'll shred magazines.
Pam: I don't think any of them are supposed to shred magazines.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [crying] I can't- I can't do this. All the channels are gonna be different there. I'm not gonna be able to find my shows. I'm not going to start improv at level one. I don't think my credits are gonna transfer. And you know what? I just figured out where I was supposed to go to vote.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I gotta call her. And I am going to tell her that I cannot come.
Holly: [answering phone] Hello there.
Michael Scott: Hi. What is the name of our town?
Holly: Boulder. Is something wrong? Are you okay?
Michael Scott: No. No, I just needed to hear your voice.
Holly: [as Yoda] Oh, you mean this?
Michael Scott: [laughing] Yeah. [as Olive Oyl] Yes, my hero.

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: Well, you know Michael, I have a brother, in Boulder. Rory Flenderson. You should look him up.
Michael Scott: [long silence; through gritted teeth:] Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

[Michael stands behind Ryan in his blue-lit broom closet/cubicle where Michael's old neon sign hangs]
Michael Scott: She was once my girl, and she is your girl now.
Ryan: Wow. Yeah. This is totally unnecessary.
Michael Scott: You're not prone to seizures?
Ryan: No.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Catch you guys on the flippety-flip. Flippety-flip. Flippety-flip. Really? Okay, see you guys.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I know that Gabe is young and hot and everything, and he's begging me to reconsider, but I- I just think I'm in love with someone else.
Michael Scott: Kevin?
Erin: Andy. I wish I knew who my birth mother was so she could just tell me who to choose.
Michael Scott: Maybe neither.
Erin: I'm not attracted to Kevin.
Michael Scott: Erin, listen to me. You shouldn't rush into this at all. And you know why? Because you are beautiful, and you are fun, and you are smart. And when the right guy comes along, you'll know it. You will. Hey.
And you know what? You don't need a mom, because you have my number and you can call me anytime.
Erin: Extension 147.
Michael Scott: N...
Erin: I know.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Oh, shoot. That's my cab.
Jim: All right.
Michael Scott: All right.
Jim: Listen, Michael, I really- I did text Pam, but-
Michael Scott: I know. It's okay. Just give her a hug, all right?
Jim: I will see you tomorrow at lunch.
Michael Scott: I am looking forward to lunch. And hearing about what a great boss I am.
Jim: You got it.

Quote from Pam

Pam: No, he wasn't sad. He was full of hope. About Colorado. And he was hoping to get an upgrade as an awards member. And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

[The next day, in the conference room for Michael's going away party:]
DeAngelo: Well, if he's not gonna make it, at least we should go ahead and eat the cake. Yeah. I, for one, love the corners. Why did I just do that? This is not even that good. I don't even- I don't even want it. I had cake for lunch. No, you know what? I've been good. I deserve this. What am I doing? Come on, Deangelo.
Erin: Hey.
DeAngelo: [screaming into the cake] No! No!
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh-oh. [Jim nods]

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: [to Andy] Walk away, bitch.


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