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‘Murder’ Quotes

The Office: Murder

610. Murder

Aired November 12, 2009

When a news article raises doubts about the viability of Dunder Mifflin, Michael tries to cheer his employees up with a murder-mystery game.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Voodoo Mama Juju, explain your dalliance with the Dark Arts.
Angela: It's not my fault, I was exposed to Harry Potter.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know you did it!
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I know she didn't do it. It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore I know the killer to be Phyllis, a.k.a. Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: How can I pose this to you in a relatable way? You are all members of the Yakuza and you happen to be visiting the Lackawanna trolley museum and you are attacked by triads. How can you hold them off until your clan arrives? You cannot go wrong with a throat punch.
Jim: Okay, so there's no defense for that, good to know.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, there is a defense for that. Let me demonstrate. Someone attack me. Kevin, go!
Kevin: No way. Last time you pulled my pants down and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace.
Dwight K. Schrute: False. I did choke you with your shoelace. Now come at me!
Jim: Okay, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.
Dwight K. Schrute: That is correct. Unless there happened to be measles present.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on cell phone] What? Oh my God! [everyone starts asking questions] There has been a murder. There's been a murder in Savannah.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Games have the power to distract people from stressful situations. Battleship got me through my parents' divorce. Operation got me through my vasectomy, i.e., my operation. I don't think I would have been able to endure my breakup with Holly had it not been for Toss Across.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, well, well. What is this contraption, I do declare?
Oscar: It's my blackberry Michael, I am trying to get updates on the company.
Michael Scott: Who's, Michael? I'm Caleb Crawdad, I do declare.
Ryan: You don't have to keep saying "I do declare". Any time you say something it means you are declaring.
Michael Scott: That is the way Southern people talk.
Jim: And what Designing Woman are you basing that on?
Michael Scott: Delta Burke, I do declare.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Once a year Dwight holds a seminar updating us on the newest developments in the world of karate. Because as we all know, the one thing thousand year martial arts do all the time is change.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Today of all days?
Michael Scott: No, you shut up. They need this game, Jim. Let us have this stupid little game, all right?

Quote from Jim

Jim: I think today was a good day to have two managers. 'cause if you're a family stuck on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, one parent might want to just keep rowing. But if the other parent wants to play a game, it's not because they're crazy. It's because they're doing it for the kids. And I get that now.
Michael Scott: [accent] There has been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue. My little heart can barely take it no more. [normal voice] Today is the hardest I have worked in a long, long time.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: [turning off Michael's music] We have to do something because people are losing it out there wondering what's going to happen.
Michael Scott: Okay, we need some sort of distraction for everybody. Anything new on YouTube? Doesn't even need to be good. Oh God, I can't think, need more Mullins.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: So let's just say that Dwight has come at you with the throat punch. Now how would you, Dwight, defend against it?
Dwight K. Schrute: Easy. Allow me to demonstrate. I am attacking myself with a throat punch. Here it comes. Block. Grasp wrist as such.
Jim: And what if he comes at you with the other hand, because he does have two.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good point. Second, throat punch, absorb the blow. Groin punch, hip block, elbow to the gut. Uh oh, up to the nose. No, you're not. Ow! Oh!
Jim: Oh my God, he's making you look like such a fool.
Dwight K. Schrute: He really is, but not for long. Ow! Instep, oh, not again. [screaming] You let go, you let go. Oh, you're right, I can't hold on.
Jim: You two are so evenly matched I don't know how one of you is going to get the upper hand.
Dwight K. Schrute: The important thing to remember, Jim, we always have what is called the element of surprise. [hits himself in the groin and moans]

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: What is the meaning of this email that everyone got?
Michael Scott: You'll have to be more specific, Dwight. I get like eight emails a day.
Dwight K. Schrute: This one, from David Wallace to all Dunder Mifflin.
Michael Scott: Woo hoo, shout out!
Dwight K. Schrute: "Hello everyone I am sure you have seen the item in the Journal. I just want to stress that it's all conjecture. If there's any concrete news you will know ASAP."
Michael Scott: Erin, do we have the journal?
Erin: Your feelings journal? You told me to put it in the time capsule.
Michael Scott: Did you?
Pam: Michael, he means the Wall Street Journal online.
Michael Scott: Oh, the Wall.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: Michael, are you okay? Did you throw up in there?
Michael Scott: No, I'm just poopin'. You know how I be.
Kevin: It smells like throw up in here.
Michael Scott: Crazy world. Lotta smells.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I like Erin. There, I said it. I was kinda hoping she would ask me out, but things have not panned out on that front, so... It is time for the Nard Dog to take matters into his own paws.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Listen, Wallace said these were just rumors, right? So we have no reason to think the company is anything but fine. So if we just go on with our work, you and me, they'll follow along.
Michael Scott: Monkey see, monkey do.
Jim: That's it.
Michael Scott: Monkey pee all over you.
Jim: That rhymes, so what have we on the docket today?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Sure I'm a little nervous, but doing our work will make us feel better. I only slack off when things are good.

Quote from Jim

Meredith: "Belles, Bourbon and Bullets, a murder mystery dinner party game."
Michael Scott: It is so much fun. Everybody plays a character, we go around the room, we try to figure out who did it...
Jim: Hey, I am wondering if this is a, uh, terrible idea.
Michael Scott: This is my call Jim, big picture stuff, it's about murder.
Jim: I thought we agreed that we wouldn't do things like this.
Michael Scott: Tube City, you owe me one.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one.

Quote from Michael Scott

Voice on C.D.: [in Southern accent] August the 5th, 1955. It's a sad day down here in Savannah. Local magnate Bill Bourbon was killed last night and all y'all have congregated tonight for a meal to celebrate Bill as he passes on to his great reward. You're not just here to pay your respects, you have to figure out which of y'all is the no-count scoundrel who killed him.
Stanley: This is ridiculous. [Stanley and Angela get up to leave]
Michael Scott: There will be food. You leave, you do not get food.
Stanley: What kind of food?
Michael Scott: Sandwich platters.
Stanley: I'm in. [Stanley sits back down]
Michael Scott: Baby carrots. [Angela sits back down]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, here are your character cards. Take one, pass it down. Here is your prop box, some of your characters will have props. Now, on your character card, it tells you who you are, and what your alibi is. Everything else is up to your imagination. So, if you talk slowly in real life, your character could, say, have been kicked in the head by a horse.
Kevin: Cool, I'll try it.
Michael Scott: Okay, use your imaginations.

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: Now, shall we get to the mystery?
Pam: I'll go. [stands up, begins to speak with a Southern accent] My name is Deborah U. Tante. Deb for short.
Andy: That's clever, Debutante.
Pam: Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.
Meredith: Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.
Pam: I do not.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.
Kevin: Ooh, now do the Swedish chef.
Andy: Uh, not familiar, what province is he from?
Kevin: He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Phyllis: You know, I think I'm supposed to say something to Pam, I mean, Deb, OK? [in character] I overheard you asking the butler where the pistol was kept.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm the butler. You were listening in on that? You rich people. You think you can do whatever you want to the servant class!
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing.
Dwight K. Schrute: I will poison your food.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Y'all.

Quote from Creed

[Creed pulls into the parking lot and heads to the office]
Creed: Sorry I'm late, boss. What's going on?
Michael Scott: [accent] Sir, there has been a murder, and you are a suspect.
Creed: Okay. Hang on just a second. Let me just settle in and I'll be right back.
[Creed rushes out of the building, gets back in his car and drives away]

Quote from Erin

Kevin: Do you want to go out on a date with me? We can make out by the horses.
Erin: Well, you know ol' Nellie's always up for a romp in the hay.
Meredith: How about a threesome?
Erin: Yeah, my boudoir's always open.
Kevin: Nice.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I'm a little worried I might have asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin. Which would be a whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nellie says yes to everyone. And she might be a murderer.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Okay, I'm going back to work.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. [accent] I'm going to skip forward to a relevant clue. Here we go.
Voice on C.D.: Well, by now you've figured out that ol' Beatrix Bourbon was the killer.
Phyllis: Michael, I was doing so well.
Michael Scott: [accent] Are you going to believe that? That is a mis- That's a misdirection. We still don't know who the murderer is. Nellie Nutmeg, come back in here. I can't do this myself. Voodoo Mama Juju... what am I gonna do?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Frankly, I'm not surprised. A lot of the evidence seemed to be based on puns.

Quote from Erin

Andy: I was just thinking about Weekend at Bernie's. It's funny, the guy's dead the whole time.
Erin: I haven't seen it.
Andy: Speaking of weekends, you excited about our date this weekend?
Erin: [accent] Of course, Nathaniel.
Andy: Yeah, okay.
Erin: [accent] Where are you taking me?
Andy: [accent] Well, finest steakhouse in all Savannah.
Erin: [accent] Savannah? That's a far way from Scranton.
Andy: Did you mean a real date?
Erin: No. [laughs] Did you?
Andy: Totally... not. [Erin gets up and walks away]
[aside to camera:]
Erin: I thought it was for real. So I was excited, but it was just, it was part of the game.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: You're sure it was water, it couldn't have been acid?
Michael Scott: I already declared you. It was too dark to tell.
Dwight K. Schrute: Stop playing games with me, Crawdad.
Michael Scott: This is not a game, this is my life. You are out of order, sir.
Dwight K. Schrute: Answer me.
Michael Scott: You are out of order.
Dwight K. Schrute: You are out of order.

Quote from Jim

Pam: I think Michael may have snapped.
Jim: Or maybe he's just stuck in character.
Pam: Well, which is worse? Snapped or stuck?
Jim: Both. They're both worse.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [Southern accent] Oh, you startled me. My stars, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. What can I do you for?
Erin: Wallace is on the phone. He's returning your call.
Michael Scott: Detective Wallace?
Erin: I don't think so. I think it's David Wallace from Dunder Mifflin.
Michael Scott: Aw, shucks, tell him I'm not here.
Oscar: You're not gonna answer the phone?
Michael Scott: No, I only answer to Detective Wallace 'cause I got a warm body in the other room.
Jim: I'll take it.

Quote from Jim

Pam: What's the news?
Jim: Nothing yet.
Phyllis: Well, I guess that's not-
Jim: Well, there is some bad news. [accent] There has been another murder.
Michael Scott: A murder, you say? I do declare.
Jim: Conference room everyone.

Quote from Michael Scott

Andy: I didn't do it!
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, everybody just calm down.
Andy: I am calm.
Michael Scott: On the count of three we're all going to put down our guns.
Dwight K. Schrute: I have crossbows.
Michael Scott: We'll put down our weaponry on the count of three, you ready?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I'm ready.
Michael Scott: One, two, three.. [all scream]

Quote from Jim

Jim: Andy revealed himself to be a double agent. At which point Dwight felt comfortable revealing that he also was double agent. And then Michael announced to everybody that- get this -he was a double agent. Oh, and it is 6:00.


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