TV Quotes

Dwight K. Schrute: Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But... because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But...

Dwight K. Schrute: The geometric proportions of my face are perfect in every way but one. My nose is too small. I mean, it still works. I can smell things. I just have to be much closer than most people.

Erin: How did today go, by the way? Did you make any sales?
Pam: No. It was a total waste of time. Um. It was fun, though, because I got to spend the day with Andy Bernard. He's really cool.
Erin: Yeah, he is!
Pam: Yeah, he is.
Erin: He's, like, the coolest person I've ever met.
Pam: That's... right. He's like Marlon Brando.
Erin: Oh. Do you mean Marlon Wayans? 'Cause he is.
Pam: I actually do mean Marlon Wayans. Yeah.

Stanley: Michael, don't listen to them.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Stanley.
Stanley: You just ignore their carping.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: A carp is both a fish and a term for complaining. They're mocking you with wordplay.

Michael Scott: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look... Damn it! He'd still look good.

Ryan: Some of you may have noticed that I'm a kind of ill-defined, uh, relationship type of thing.
Michael Scott: Okay, what do you want me to write?
Ryan: Just put Kelly.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that still going on?
Kelly: I will claw your tiny nose off.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's on the list.

Michael Scott: How much do they want?
Erin: $300.
Michael Scott: What? No. I could get a fish for a 5 cent worm.
Creed: Oh, you're paying way too much for your worms, man. Who's your worm guy?

Michael Scott: Creed, your turn.
Creed: If I write it down, I can't be charged with it?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nuh-uh. No one said that.

Angela: I'm very sensitive about my petite figure.
Kelly: Oh, God.
Angela: I am. I'm afraid of being thrown around like a football.
Kelly: Well, you know, Nicole Richie thinks that you're fat. Does that make you feel better?

Jim: They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along.
Michael Scott: Why don't they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come, too? I don't understand.
Jim: I absolutely don't understand, either.
Michael Scott: I don't want you to feel like I'm baby-sitting you, or something. All right.
Jim: All right.
Michael Scott: Let me get your stroller.