TV Quotes

Dwight K. Schrute: Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But... because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But...

Dwight K. Schrute: The geometric proportions of my face are perfect in every way but one. My nose is too small. I mean, it still works. I can smell things. I just have to be much closer than most people.

Erin: How did today go, by the way? Did you make any sales?
Pam: No. It was a total waste of time. Um. It was fun, though, because I got to spend the day with Andy Bernard. He's really cool.
Erin: Yeah, he is!
Pam: Yeah, he is.
Erin: He's, like, the coolest person I've ever met.
Pam: That's... right. He's like Marlon Brando.
Erin: Oh. Do you mean Marlon Wayans? 'Cause he is.
Pam: I actually do mean Marlon Wayans. Yeah.

Stanley: Michael, don't listen to them.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Stanley.
Stanley: You just ignore their carping.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: A carp is both a fish and a term for complaining. They're mocking you with wordplay.

Michael Scott: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look... Damn it! He'd still look good.

Ryan: Some of you may have noticed that I'm a kind of ill-defined, uh, relationship type of thing.
Michael Scott: Okay, what do you want me to write?
Ryan: Just put Kelly.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that still going on?
Kelly: I will claw your tiny nose off.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's on the list.

Michael Scott: Creed, your turn.
Creed: If I write it down, I can't be charged with it?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nuh-uh. No one said that.

Michael Scott: How much do they want?
Erin: $300.
Michael Scott: What? No. I could get a fish for a 5 cent worm.
Creed: Oh, you're paying way too much for your worms, man. Who's your worm guy?

Jim: They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along.
Michael Scott: Why don't they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come, too? I don't understand.
Jim: I absolutely don't understand, either.
Michael Scott: I don't want you to feel like I'm baby-sitting you, or something. All right.
Jim: All right.
Michael Scott: Let me get your stroller.

Jim: Sure. Michael's a good teacher. A teacher is someone who stands right next to you your whole life and never lets you do anything. That's what a teacher is, right?

Jim: He's trying to micro-co-manage me. Or co-micro-manage... me.

Michael Scott: Hi. Any messages?
Erin: You're soaking wet.
Michael Scott: Uh, well, Jim and I got caught in a little flash rain, flash winds, flash lightning.
Phyllis: Wow. Sounds scary.
Michael Scott: It was. It was. And then in an instant it wasn't.
Angela: Why isn't Jim wet?
Jim: I outran it.
Meredith: I don't think it rained. My hip would be throbbing.
Michael Scott: It rained.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, can I get you something? A towel? Some cocoa?
Michael Scott: Nothing. Cocoa.

Secretary: Must be nice to have company on these cold calls.
Andy: We're kind of a dynamic duo. Or trio. [points to Pam's tummy]
Secretary: How exciting! Do you guys know the sex yet?
Pam: Oh, no, no. [laughing] We're not together. No, no, no. Definitely not. Definitely not. No. We just work together.
Andy: Looks like somebody's got a case of the definitelies.

Erin: Um, Michael? The custodian from Raskin Design is on the line. He said they found your keys in the Koi pond.
Michael Scott: Okay. Thank you.
Stanley: Did you say 'Koi pond'?

Michael Scott: It was- Okay, this is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots that had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing.
Angela: So you fell in?
Michael Scott: No. Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in.
Angela: So a child had fallen in?
Michael Scott: Not yet!
Kevin: That is hilarious.
Michael Scott: No it- Don't! I'm not gonna bump. I'm not gonna bump. And it was not hilarious. It was very, very terrifying.

Pam: And we'd like to offer you 15% off your first purchase as our way of welcoming you to the area.
Customer: Well that sounds like a really nice deal.
Andy: Sha-bow.
Customer: And I must say, that since we are a family business it is nice to see that you are, too.
Andy: Oh, wow. You thought that- Oh, my gosh. Oh. Definitely not.
Customer: My mistake. Sorry.
Pam: It's okay
Andy: Nuh. Actually, it's kinda not okay. Um, I date models. Face models. My girlfriend, on a scale of one to Giselle, uh... a nine.
Customer: That- That's good for you.
Pam: Anyway, we also have a special on envelopes.
Andy: Pam's carrying our surrogate. Because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for fashion week. So, we, uh, we put our baby in Pam. Doesn't matter what Pam looks like.

Michael Scott: Erin, do we have any of those clips that hold paper together?
Erin: Staples? [Kevin clears his throat] Uh, David Wallace called.
Michael Scott: Oh. He did? What did he say?
Erin: He heard you made a big splash at the meeting. Oh, my God. That was so mean what I just said and I didn't mean it. It was Kevin and Meredith put me up to it.

Michael Scott: We are going to make a 'Do Not Mock' list. Okay? Anything that we think might be out of bounds, we put on this list. Anything you put on this list you cannot be teased about. Got it? I'm gonna kick it off. Let's see what I have to put on the list, right? [writes 'Koi pond' on the list] Okay. I also have fallen into the fountain at the Steamtown Mall.
Toby: You fell into a second fountain? Can you kick me out of the meeting?
Michael Scott: Go! Go!

Michael Scott: Starting today, teasing will not be allowed.
Kelly: You mean there's no teasing of any kind.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Just things that are on the list. That is the beauty of it. Okay. Who else? Who else? Dwight, come on.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't want people making fun of my nose.
Michael Scott: Your nose?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's too small.

Oscar: Oh my. That is small.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just, write it down, please.
Oscar: Can you breathe okay?
Kelly: What keeps your glasses on?
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey! It's on the list, everybody.
Michael Scott: No. I haven't finished writing. Did you sneeze it off? That's it. No more. Okay.