TV Quotes

Dwight K. Schrute: Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But... because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But...

Dwight K. Schrute: The geometric proportions of my face are perfect in every way but one. My nose is too small. I mean, it still works. I can smell things. I just have to be much closer than most people.

Erin: How did today go, by the way? Did you make any sales?
Pam: No. It was a total waste of time. Um. It was fun, though, because I got to spend the day with Andy Bernard. He's really cool.
Erin: Yeah, he is!
Pam: Yeah, he is.
Erin: He's, like, the coolest person I've ever met.
Pam: That's... right. He's like Marlon Brando.
Erin: Oh. Do you mean Marlon Wayans? 'Cause he is.
Pam: I actually do mean Marlon Wayans. Yeah.

Stanley: Michael, don't listen to them.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Stanley.
Stanley: You just ignore their carping.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: A carp is both a fish and a term for complaining. They're mocking you with wordplay.

Michael Scott: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look... Damn it! He'd still look good.

Jim: They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along.
Michael Scott: Why don't they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come, too? I don't understand.
Jim: I absolutely don't understand, either.
Michael Scott: I don't want you to feel like I'm baby-sitting you, or something. All right.
Jim: All right.
Michael Scott: Let me get your stroller.

Jim: Sure. Michael's a good teacher. A teacher is someone who stands right next to you your whole life and never lets you do anything. That's what a teacher is, right?

Jim: He's trying to micro-co-manage me. Or co-micro-manage... me.

Michael Scott: Hi. Any messages?
Erin: You're soaking wet.
Michael Scott: Uh, well, Jim and I got caught in a little flash rain, flash winds, flash lightning.
Phyllis: Wow. Sounds scary.
Michael Scott: It was. It was. And then in an instant it wasn't.
Angela: Why isn't Jim wet?
Jim: I outran it.
Meredith: I don't think it rained. My hip would be throbbing.
Michael Scott: It rained.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, can I get you something? A towel? Some cocoa?
Michael Scott: Nothing. Cocoa.

Secretary: Must be nice to have company on these cold calls.
Andy: We're kind of a dynamic duo. Or trio. [points to Pam's tummy]
Secretary: How exciting! Do you guys know the sex yet?
Pam: Oh, no, no. [laughing] We're not together. No, no, no. Definitely not. Definitely not. No. We just work together.
Andy: Looks like somebody's got a case of the definitelies.

Erin: Um, Michael? The custodian from Raskin Design is on the line. He said they found your keys in the Koi pond.
Michael Scott: Okay. Thank you.
Stanley: Did you say 'Koi pond'?

Michael Scott: It was- Okay, this is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots that had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing.
Angela: So you fell in?
Michael Scott: No. Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in.
Angela: So a child had fallen in?
Michael Scott: Not yet!
Kevin: That is hilarious.
Michael Scott: No it- Don't! I'm not gonna bump. I'm not gonna bump. And it was not hilarious. It was very, very terrifying.

Pam: And we'd like to offer you 15% off your first purchase as our way of welcoming you to the area.
Customer: Well that sounds like a really nice deal.
Andy: Sha-bow.
Customer: And I must say, that since we are a family business it is nice to see that you are, too.
Andy: Oh, wow. You thought that- Oh, my gosh. Oh. Definitely not.
Customer: My mistake. Sorry.
Pam: It's okay
Andy: Nuh. Actually, it's kinda not okay. Um, I date models. Face models. My girlfriend, on a scale of one to Giselle, uh... a nine.
Customer: That- That's good for you.
Pam: Anyway, we also have a special on envelopes.
Andy: Pam's carrying our surrogate. Because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for fashion week. So, we, uh, we put our baby in Pam. Doesn't matter what Pam looks like.

Michael Scott: Erin, do we have any of those clips that hold paper together?
Erin: Staples? [Kevin clears his throat] Uh, David Wallace called.
Michael Scott: Oh. He did? What did he say?
Erin: He heard you made a big splash at the meeting. Oh, my God. That was so mean what I just said and I didn't mean it. It was Kevin and Meredith put me up to it.

Michael Scott: We are going to make a 'Do Not Mock' list. Okay? Anything that we think might be out of bounds, we put on this list. Anything you put on this list you cannot be teased about. Got it? I'm gonna kick it off. Let's see what I have to put on the list, right? [writes 'Koi pond' on the list] Okay. I also have fallen into the fountain at the Steamtown Mall.
Toby: You fell into a second fountain? Can you kick me out of the meeting?
Michael Scott: Go! Go!

Michael Scott: Starting today, teasing will not be allowed.
Kelly: You mean there's no teasing of any kind.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Just things that are on the list. That is the beauty of it. Okay. Who else? Who else? Dwight, come on.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't want people making fun of my nose.
Michael Scott: Your nose?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's too small.

Oscar: Oh my. That is small.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just, write it down, please.
Oscar: Can you breathe okay?
Kelly: What keeps your glasses on?
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey! It's on the list, everybody.
Michael Scott: No. I haven't finished writing. Did you sneeze it off? That's it. No more. Okay.

Angela: I'm very sensitive about my petite figure.
Kelly: Oh, God.
Angela: I am. I'm afraid of being thrown around like a football.
Kelly: Well, you know, Nicole Richie thinks that you're fat. Does that make you feel better?

Michael Scott: Meredith?
Meredith: I don't want to say it out loud.
Michael Scott: Okay. Fine. Come on up here. Write it yourself. And don't sign your name to it. And nobody look. Everybody look away. Look away.
[aside to camera:]
Meredith: Well, I really didn't want to put it on the board but I thought maybe it was gonna come out somehow. So, what are you gonna do? [she writes 'sex with a terrorist']

Ryan: Some of you may have noticed that I'm a kind of ill-defined, uh, relationship type of thing.
Michael Scott: Okay, what do you want me to write?
Ryan: Just put Kelly.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that still going on?
Kelly: I will claw your tiny nose off.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's on the list.

Michael Scott: Creed, your turn.
Creed: If I write it down, I can't be charged with it?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nuh-uh. No one said that.

Michael Scott: How much do they want?
Erin: $300.
Michael Scott: What? No. I could get a fish for a 5 cent worm.
Creed: Oh, you're paying way too much for your worms, man. Who's your worm guy?

Michael Scott: Hey. I- I just wanna say that I cannot believe that I walked into a Koi pond. I mean, seriously. Walk much? Oh. I should wear a snorkel to the next business meeting that I go to.
Phyllis: Michael. You know, when you think about it, it's not all your fault. I mean, who puts a Koi pond in a lobby?
Michael Scott: Well, you know what? You're right, Phyllis, but I've been there before. I've seen that pond. This is the thing, I am a world class moron. That's the problem.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, please. Stop it now. You're embarrassing yourself.
Michael Scott: It's okay. We're having fun. It's not actually the first time I've been embarrassed by a pond. In high school, the girls volleyball team always used to throw me into the frozen lake. Four years in a row. Oh... it was freezing. [Jim signals for making to stop] No. No. No. Oh, this is even worse. Couple weeks ago I went to get a new cellphone and I wanted on of those packages where you have, you know, the five - you know, the friends and family thing and the guys was like, 'Who are your 5 friends?' and I'm, like, 'Uh... ' I didn't even know I couldn't even think. Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing. That was- Oh. I don't even have Jan's cell phone number and I hate her! She won't give it to me. I was like, 'Oh, I guess I'm a loser. 'A loo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ser'. Too far! God! Thanks a lot, man. Thanks for the advice.

Dwight K. Schrute: You are not a joke!
Michael Scott: I am!
Dwight K. Schrute: You are smart.
Michael Scott: Jim's smart than me.
Dwight K. Schrute: You are handsome.
Michael Scott: Jim is more handsome.
Dwight K. Schrute: No! Jim is ugly. Please. I mean, I'd give anything for his nose. It's true. But, God, the rest of him? He looks like Popeye's wife.

Michael Scott: And then I think I'm going to go to the Garlic Festival.
Jim: Wow.
Michael Scott: Sounds like fun. You guys would love it.
Jim: I bet we would.
Michael Scott: They have a TCBY booth.
Jim: Cool.
Michael Scott: The same stuff you get downtown.
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott: Do you like TCBY?
Jim: Who doesn't?
Michael Scott: I can't believe it's- I can't believe it's yogurt. Uh... it'll be fun.

Michael Scott: Jim's a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh... Why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional?

Michael Scott: What are you gonna call him?
Jim: Dave.
Michael Scott: No. What is his name?
Jim: Dave.
Michael Scott: Mr. Borchard. They're very formal.
Jim: Yeah. I've spoken to them on the phone.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, this is not the phone. This is real life, baby, and you gotta own it. Is that what you are wearing?
Jim: Yes, it is.
Michael Scott: And that is the watch that you are going to wear? No, it is not. You should wear this watch. I will loan it to you. It is a Tankard. I highly recommend you wear that.
Jim: No thanks.
Michael Scott: They are into style.
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott: They are into appearance. We are selling success.
Jim: ...and paper.
Michael Scott: That's sorta secondary.

Pam: Here we are outside-
Andy: WB!
Pam: - the Wilkes-Barre Industrial Park.
Andy: Industrial P! Makin' cold calls.
Pam: The two people with the lowest sales in the quarter have to do them.

Andy: [singing] Where are you? Dean Trophies. Suite 100. Sherman Blinds and Rugs. Suite 202.
Pam: Here it is. [Andy is still singing] 401.
Andy: Yeah. I was gonna sing that part.
Pam: I know. Now you don't have to.
Andy: Except it was going to resolve the melody, so now my head hurts. Feels like I held in a sneeze. Mmm! I hate this feeling. [sings] Suite 401.

Michael Scott: [answering phone] Yeah?
Erin: Michael, people are asking questions.
Michael Scott: Okay. Put them on speaker. Hey guys, what's going on?
Phyllis: Hey, Michael, did you you fall into a Koi pond?
Michael Scott: Uh... I can't really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection.
Oscar: Jim, did Michael fall into a Koi pond?
Jim: Mmm. It's like Michael said. It was some- Something else.

Jim: Truthfully, it wasn't the way he fell in. It was... how long it took him to get out.

Pam: You were way meaner to me than I was to you.
Andy: No I wasn't. Okay. The very idea of us together made you burst out laughing like you just bit into an Adam Sandler and jelly sandwich.
Pam: You blew the sale, you idiot.
Andy: Let me tell you something. I was never gonna make that sale.

Creed: Hey, boss, did you find Nemo?
Michael Scott: I can name Pixar movies, too. Toy Story.
Oscar: Don't you mean 'Koi Story'?
Phyllis: And when you fell in, did you flounder?
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, flounder is both a kind of fish and-
Michael Scott: I know what a flounder is.
Toby: Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott: No! No more! That is it! Everyone in the conference room right now.

Michael Scott: Show of hands, who has been 'Koi-ponded'? Who here's been the butt of a joke that has gone too far? Phyllis?
Phyllis: Michael, you make fun of us every day.
Michael Scott: Uh...
Kevin: Yeah. Every single day.
Michael Scott: You never said anything.
Meredith: Uh, we have. Countless times.
Michael Scott: Well, it is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying, 'Stop' because I want you to stop or Stop as in 'Stop. You're making me laugh so hard. What you're doing is so funny. You are on a roll. I am busting a gut. Stop!'
Angela: That's never the case.

Michael Scott: Who else? Who else? Everybody's getting their chance.
Kevin: I don't want people making fun of my weight.
Michael Scott: Okay. That's to broad. It's gotta be something else. How 'bout your stomach? Yep? [Michael writes 'Huge Gut'] Who else?

Andy: That is our sales pitch and we are stickin' to it.
Keena Gifford: Well, you two are quite the salesmen and a very cute couple.
Andy: Well-
Pam: Oh- [both look at each other and together say] Thank you.
Keena Gifford: Some couples don't seem like a good match. You two do.
Pam: Well, you know.
Andy: Yeah. You know. Two peas in a pod. We complete each other. What can I say? She loves to cook.
Pam: He loves to eat.
Andy: I love to dance.
Pam: I love to watch him dance.
Andy: Right. Sometimes I'll just dance for hours in the living room.
Pam: And I'll just watch him.

Keena Gifford: And a baby on the way? You must be so excited.
Pam: Yes.
Andy: Yeah. We are thrilled.
Pam: Mmm-hmm.
Andy: In fact, we spent the whole weekend researching various birthing coaches. Wasn't that fun, honey?
Pam: It was, sweetie.
Keena Gifford: Oh, I know the best teacher. Her name is Miss Janet.
Andy: Yeah. On Clearview Avenue.
Keena Gifford: Yeah!
Andy: Yeah.

Angela: This sounds ridiculous, I know, but some people say that I eat like a squirrel.
Phyllis: So now you're comparing yourself to a cute, tiny animal?

Erin: Um, Michael? The custodian called again. Apparently a Koi has died. [everyone groans]
Michael Scott: It's a fish.
Erin: They want you to pay for it.
Michael Scott: It could've died of natural causes.
Erin: Well, they said you stepped on its head. He did not suffer.

Andy: One of the baby books suggests the best birthing posture is on all fours, like an animal. I just wish I had a special telephone so I could find out exactly what the little soy bean wants. Right? Hey, little soy bean. What do you want? Right. How do- It- I felt it kick!
Keena Gifford: Oh, that's great!
Andy: Oh, my gosh. Like a little magical foot just high-fived me.
Pam: Yeah, well, that'll happen.
Andy: Oh, my gosh. It's like he's trying to say, 'I love you, too, Daddy'. I love you, too. [leans over and kisses Pam's belly]
Pam: Sometimes we're so excited we forget where we are. Like at a business meeting.
Andy: Message received, little soy bean.

Jim: I think you just gotta ride this one out, man.
Michael Scott: No, Jim. You don't understand. Things like this don't just die. Kids in high school still call me 'Ponytail'.
Jim: No, they don't.
Michael Scott: Yes, they do, Jim. Because of the time I got my ponytail stuck in the power trail.

Jim: Maybe if you make fun of yourself it'll all go away.
Michael Scott: I want to make fun of you right now.
Jim: Really? Do it. I am a big, stupid goofball.
Michael Scott: No. Don't do that. You're not. You're not stupid.
Jim: See?
Michael Scott: Oh, my God.

Kevin: [watching Angela eat] Enjoying your nut?
Oscar: Kevin.
Angela: Why?
Kevin: I'm not mocking. I was just making an observation about a nut.
Angela: I was.

Meredith: Hey. Who wants to watch Michael's pond dive? My roommate's friend is the night janitor over there. He swiped the security tape for me and he's bringing it over.
Jim: Mm... You know what? Maybe we should go easy on Michael, guys. You know, you watch that tape and you're gonna have to stay late for more sensitivity training, so...
Kevin: We'll stay late.

Andy: What the heck was that?
Pam: When you cried?
Andy: Agh. Try almost cried, okay? I just got caught up in the fantasy.
Pam: You're fantasy involves comparison shopping birthing classes?
Andy: No. I know I'm gonna go with Miss Janet. I just- I don't know. It was fun to role play, right?
Pam: Hmm.
Andy: I mean, it was fun for me. Having a wife and a little baby. Argh. I'm so sick of being single.
Pam: Well, are you dating anyone?
Andy: What do you think of Erin? I mean- She's- I- She's kinda cool.
Pam: Eh.
Andy: You think I can do better?
Pam: Eh.
Andy: Gotta get my goin' out on.

Phyllis: Yes. Put the DVD in.
Kevin: Open QuickTime.
Oscar: It starts on it's own. Let it-
Kevin: No! Use QuickTime. Trust me. I've done this.

Meredith: Hey, let's watch this thing.
Jim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ok. Yeah. We're not watchin' this.
Oscar: How can we not watch this?
Jim: What happened to 'Do Not Mock'?
Phyllis: We're not mocking, we're watching.
Jim: That will inevitably lead to mocking. So...
Phyllis: Well, we'll deal with it as it comes.

Jim: Oscar, yes. You're right to stop it. Thank you. Eject it.
Oscar: Jim, you let Michael fall in.
Dwight K. Schrute: Play it again. He purposefully leaned away and let you fall in.
Jim: Oh... man. I think when I started to see you go in I think I just froze.
Michael Scott: I don't think you froze.
Jim: It's a killer new dance move. [leans back] Do you wanna talk in your office?
Angela: No.
Jim: I didn't ask you. [to Michael] Would you like to talk?
Dwight K. Schrute: Judas!

Michael Scott: Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me.

Meredith: Hey, what's up lifeguard?
Oscar: Jim, I think I'm in your way.
Michael Scott: Oscar's a douche.
Jim: [laughing] He's all right.
Michael Scott: No. He's a- Yeah, he's all right. Okay.
Jim: Thanks, Michael.
Michael Scott: You're welcome. Whoa! Almost fell.

Pam: Hey, Erin. Do you mind faxing this for me?
Erin: Oh, sure. Oh, wait. Hand them to me upside down so I don't accidentally read them.
Pam: Okay.
Erin: Thanks.

Michael Scott: The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. You can only make fun of things that they have control over. Like Oscar is gay. That is his choice. We can make fun of that. I did not choose to fall into a koi pond.
Toby: Michael, you still can't make fun of people for race or gender or sexual orientation or religion.
Michael Scott: Who- Who let the lemon head into the room? You are a waste of life and you should give up. Is what I want to say, but won't. Because that is why we're doing this right now. So, Toby, welcome to sensitivity training for real.