Erin: Dwight, what a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.
Pam: Oh, Dwight. I'm so sorry. Were you guys close?
Dwight K. Schrute: I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.

Pam: We can't let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes. He was awful to us. And, he still is. How much is a cupcake? $2.50? Is that the price of our dignity?
Creed: $3.75 a cupcake, actually. $3.67 if you buy a dozen.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: I never forget a number. Names? In one ear and out the other. Places? Nope. Faces? That's rich. But, numbers? I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant.

Dwight K. Schrute: We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.

Pam: Oh my god! Is everyone OK?
Phyllis: Last night, I got out all of my old dolls and played with them on the living room floor. Then, I ordered ten American Girl outfits online. It was thousands of dollars.
Nellie: Yeah? Well, count yourself lucky, Phyllis. I got the toilet.
Stanley: Me too. [holds up four fingers]
Clark: I went Christmas caroling in March and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So, not my best night. But, not my worst night.

Dwight K. Schrute: People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.

Dwight K. Schrute: What are you doing here?
Oscar: You invited me. You threw the red dirt in my face.
Dwight K. Schrute: [smirking] Oh, yeah.

Todd: I am going through a twelve-step program. I'm currently on step zero. Which is have a [bleep] of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not, some laxative, some constipating. You don't fire the Pac-Man and expect to get away with it.

Jim: My condolences.
Dwight K. Schrute: Keep them.
Jim: Okay. Now, what do we got in these two pails?
Dwight K. Schrute: In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face. Or, I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief, with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil.
Erin: [after Dwight tosses dirt on her face] What color is it?
Phyllis: It looks pretty black.
Kevin: [after Dwight tosses dirt in his face] Yep. Acidic, all right.

Oscar: [as Dwight prepares to toss dirt in his face] Oh, thank god.
Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me?
Oscar: I'm so sorry, Dwight. And if you want me to be there, of course I will go. I just... have a personal training session...
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. That's not... [tosses red dirt in Oscar's face]
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should've kept my mouth shut. We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight... 12 years. 12 years? Time is a son of a bitch!

Pam: Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.
Todd: Why can't I just be nice? Truth is, I really like you guys. I really do. Okay. The apology's just half of it. The big thing is making amends. And, that's why I brought these. I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes. From that place Nipples.
Pam: I think it's called Nibbles.
Todd: Huh. The mind sees what it wants to, huh?