Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Farm’ Quotes

The Office: The Farm

917. The Farm

Aired March 14, 2013

After the death of his aunt Shirley, Dwight joins the extended Schrute clan at the family farm. Meanwhile, Todd Packer goes on an apology tour.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Erin: Dwight, what a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.
Pam: Oh, Dwight. I'm so sorry. Were you guys close?
Dwight K. Schrute: I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.

Rate

Quote from Creed

Pam: We can't let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes. He was awful to us. And, he still is. How much is a cupcake? $2.50? Is that the price of our dignity?
Creed: $3.75 a cupcake, actually. $3.67 if you buy a dozen.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: I never forget a number. Names? In one ear and out the other. Places? Nope. Faces? That's rich. But, numbers? I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.

Quote from Clark

Pam: Oh my god! Is everyone OK?
Phyllis: Last night, I got out all of my old dolls and played with them on the living room floor. Then, I ordered ten American Girl outfits online. It was thousands of dollars.
Nellie: Yeah? Well, count yourself lucky, Phyllis. I got the toilet.
Stanley: Me too. [holds up four fingers]
Clark: I went Christmas caroling in March and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So, not my best night. But, not my worst night.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: My condolences.
Dwight K. Schrute: Keep them.
Jim: Okay. Now, what do we got in these two pails?
Dwight K. Schrute: In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face. Or, I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief, with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil.
Erin: [after Dwight tosses dirt on her face] What color is it?
Phyllis: It looks pretty black.
Kevin: [after Dwight tosses dirt in his face] Yep. Acidic, all right.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: [as Dwight prepares to toss dirt in his face] Oh, thank god.
Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me?
Oscar: I'm so sorry, Dwight. And if you want me to be there, of course I will go. I just... have a personal training session...
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. That's not... [tosses red dirt in Oscar's face]
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should've kept my mouth shut. We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight... 12 years. 12 years? Time is a son of a bitch!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What are you doing here?
Oscar: You invited me. You threw the red dirt in my face.
Dwight K. Schrute: [smirking] Oh, yeah.

Quote from Todd

Todd: Hi, all.
Phyllis: Why are you here, Todd?
Todd: Okay. Let's get right to it. I guess. My name is Todd Packer and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous and step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did.
Kevin: Packer, we accept.
Todd: Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this. And, I have to go through examples of stuff. OK. Uh, where to begin. Hey. Pam-pam and her pam-pams. Wow. I have said some crude things about those. But, they are beautiful. And, I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you. And, personified your breasts. Sorry, guys. [to Phyllis] Oh boy. I have not been nice to you. Philly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin, [points to Clark] this kid in a few years.

Quote from Todd

Pam: Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.
Todd: Why can't I just be nice? Truth is, I really like you guys. I really do. Okay. The apology's just half of it. The big thing is making amends. And, that's why I brought these. I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes. From that place Nipples.
Pam: I think it's called Nibbles.
Todd: Huh. The mind sees what it wants to, huh?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

German Minister: We are here today to join this woman and the ground. Man is born of woman and his life is full of turmoil.
Jeb: [gathers and tastes soil] Huh. It's crap soil. Nothing's going to grow here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Doesn't matter. It's a cemetery.
Jeb: Yeah, well, I'm just saying it's garbage soil, that's all.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies.
Jeb: It's fine 'cause they're not going to grow.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, thank god they're not because we don't want to make zombies.
Jeb: Good. I agree. Don't worry about it. You won't get any.

Quote from Oscar

German Minister: Would the family care to say something?
Dwight K. Schrute: You had black hair and then gray hair.
Zeke: You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 5'4", at the end you were 5'1".
[to camera:]
Oscar: They're a descriptive people.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Henry.
Henry: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: I see Esther's back in town.
Esther: Hi, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today.
Esther: This was on the way. We're going into town after. I need yarn.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens.
Fannie: We're at a funeral. There's a funeral going on here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Henry: Anyone mention her height?
Zeke: Yep.
Henry: Land size? [all shake heads; Henry removes his hat] Shirley, at 1600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area. Sharing borders with six other farms. Including my own farm. And your nephew Dwight's. [replaces hat] Okay. [taps on car door, drives away]
Dwight K. Schrute: So, let's get it going.

Quote from Kevin

Pam: Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart?
Angela: Do they even have a bakery anymore?
Kevin: They do. It's awful. And, it's getting worse every day.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Aunt Shirley: [on a recorded video] Thank you for coming to my funeral. As I gaze at life's big sunset, I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong. You've all disappointed me greatly. Fannie. A single mamma in the city.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you.
Aunt Shirley: Jeb. A street pusher.
[aside to camera:]
Jeb: After I left the army, I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian. Turns out "worm" means something else out there. And, I am now in the business of... pain management. Or, the smoking of pain management.
[also to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I can't stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He could've grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwich.

Quote from Todd

Todd: I am going through a twelve-step program. I'm currently on step zero. Which is have a [bleep] of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not, some laxative, some constipating. You don't fire the Pac-Man and expect to get away with it.

Quote from Kevin

Pam: Wow. He is officially the worst human being.
Kevin: [as Pam tries to throw cupcake away] Ah. [stops Pam and takes cupcake]
Pam: But, Kevin that's...
Kevin: Yeah. No, I understand, Pam. I understand.


 Episode 916 Episode 918 
  Select another episode