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39Quotes from ‘Nepotism’

The Office: Nepotism

701. Nepotism

Aired September 23, 2010

The employees are not happy when Michael refuses to get tough with the terrible new intern because it's his nephew.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw 'Inception'. Or at least I dreamt I did.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: This summer, I did the minority executive training program at Yale. You guys, I'm, like, really smart now. You don't even know. You could ask me, "Kelly, what's the biggest company in the world?" And I'd be like, "blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah," giving you the exact right answer.

Quote from Creed

Creed: He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean.
Jim: You follow him on Twitter?
[aside to camera:]
Creed: Everywhere I look it's Betty White this and Betty White that. Finally a kid that's not talking about Betty White. Of course I follow him.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldn't. These things seldom work out. I don't know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night, town after town, all across America. You would think they'd be sick of each other by now. But, clearly, they make it work. And my hat's off to them.

Quote from Darryl

Luke: Coffee Monkey's arrived.
Oscar: The coffee's supposed to be here at 9.
Luke: Here you go, Big O. Tiny. [hands Kevin his coffee] Darryl Hannah.
Darryl: It says decaf. You get me decaf?
Luke: Ooh, yeah. Must've been some sort of mix-up there. You could just drink it, or I could drive all the way back?
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: My summer, I, um, blew out my knee playing softball. Ended up watching CNN most of the time. I don't know how we're going to get out of Afghanistan. I hate the new assistant. He's only been here for a week, and I hate him.

Quote from Andy

Andy: New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard-Man. I'm the Nard-Dog, okay? Nard-man is my father.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Hey. What are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: From now on, if you're hot, sit on an ice pack.
Kevin: Well, what if you're cold?
Dwight K. Schrute: Like you'd ever be cold, Kevin. Stop asking me hypothetical questions, okay? I'm too busy.
Jim: Hey, Dwight, I don't know if you heard, but we're supposed to be drinking out of weird backpacks instead of cups, like regular people. Oh, you did hear.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, you have one job to do. And you do it forgettably. Those of us who are busy require hands-free hydration.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Dwight Schrute, star salesman, beet farmer, bed-and-breakfast proprietor, aspiring freelance bodyguard. Add to that list owner of this building. Then burn the list.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother, who also happens to be my half-sister, kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years a- 14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of 'Ace Ventura II' and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.

Quote from Michael Scott

Darryl: What's wrong with a level playing field?
Michael Scott: Do you think they should have had open auditions for the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldn't even make sense. Or what if they just hired the littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer? Really safe.
Jim: Oh, man, so many points being made.

Quote from Creed

Creed: I couldn't care less about nepotism. But I'm loving the debate. Great minds battling it out. And I've got a front-row seat.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: If there's nothing wrong with this, Michael, why have you been keeping it a secret?
Michael Scott: Because I wanted you to come to me and say, "Wow, he is so great." And I was gonna say, "Well, it's in the genes." And I was actually gonna be wearing jeans. And I'd point to them, right? No. But you ruined it. So, thank you very much. Here he comes. Guys, look. I don't want you to treat him like anyone else in the office. I just want you to treat him like my nephew.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. I've been through anger-management, okay? So right now, I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps. Oh, look, it's a humpback whale. How pretty. He's eating Gabe.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Wow, that's a lot of keys.
Dwight K. Schrute: The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man.
Jim: That's right. The janitor said that.

Quote from Jim

Jim: By the way, the raccoons are back.
Dwight K. Schrute: Where?
Jim: I think they run through these panels and then down under the map. I wouldn't know for sure cause I don't have a trained ear. That's why I have to use one of these. [pulls out stethoscope]
Dwight K. Schrute: Give me that.
Jim: Yep. Wait, and this. [hands Dwight a hammer]
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Jim: Go get 'em.

Quote from Jim

Jim: What happened to me this summer? Dwight bought the building, so actually, this has been the busiest summer of my life.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: God, when he needed help on Earth, who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son.
Erin: That's a really tight argument.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Jim: But you're comparing you and Luke to God and Jesus.
Michael Scott: No! No. I'm just saying, why does God get to do something that I don't?
Oscar: This is hypothetical. We're talking about Luke who happens to be terrible.
Michael Scott: Well, then, why aren't you bugging me to fire everybody who's bad? You just want me to fire Luke. That's reverse nepotism. He should not be punished because he is related to me and bad at what he does!

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue. So, thank you.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I feel horrible for blowing Jim's prank. I don't know if you can tell, but he's mildly upset. And Dwight hasn't been messed with in a while, so he's become a monster. I need to make this right.

Quote from Michael Scott

Phyllis: It's all the packages he was supposed to overnight. He never bothered to send them.
Michael Scott: All right, those might be his. He might own an eBay store.
Jim: Yep. That's exactly what my first thought was. And then I remembered having a conversation with him where he was like, "I don't own an eBay store," so...
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. You know what? This is disgusting. This is like a witch hunt. This is like the Blair Witch Hunt project.

Quote from Andy

Oscar: Oh sure, those are the expense reports that corporate was waiting for yesterday.
Stanley: Let's just make this kid open this damn car.
Erin: Oh my gosh, those are the pants he wanted to return to Talbots.
Michael Scott: I'm reconsidering sending them back anyway.
Andy: You get that kid to open this car, or I'm gonna do it myself... by calling Triple A.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally he will need a little push, and I will do that, and he'll slow down, and I'll push him again. That's the thing with kids, you have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back. And then you push some more. It's all about give and take, but mostly it's about pushing each other.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Oh, yeah. This'll be easy. So just, like, rearrange the buttons and stuff.
Pam: Yeah, yeah. Like when he presses "Doors closed" the doors open. Or he presses "lobby" it goes to third floor, stuff like that. Can you do that?
Kevin: Yeah. Let me take a look at the circus board.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [bending Luke over the desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
Luke: What the-?
Michael Scott: That's what you're going to do, Luke!
Luke: What the hell was that?
Michael Scott: I had to do that.
Luke: Hey, [bleep] this! Screw it!
Michael Scott: All right. Are we good? [Luke runs out crying] You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.

Quote from Michael Scott

Gabe: Michael, you just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?
Michael Scott: Yes, of course. What is this in reference to?

Quote from Michael Scott

Gabe: Legal says the best way to protect us from a lawsuit is to call this a stress-induced outburst. You will have to undergo six sessions of counseling.
Michael Scott: That's it? Really? That's nothing. All right. That's highway robbery. Good.
Gabe: Well, that's the spirit.
Michael Scott: I can do that.
Gabe: And, uh, you will do your counseling right here, because our HR staff are all certified counselors.
Michael Scott: Okay. Wait, what?
Toby: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to working with you, Michael.
Michael Scott: Is there another option?
Gabe: The alternative is termination.
[Michael stares into the distance, considering the alternative]

Quote from Erin

Andy: Brocolli Rob, obviously, will be there.
Erin: Yes, of course.
Andy: And JC. We call him Blorville, because he looks like a black Orville Redenbacher.
Erin: Who's the guy who invented the peanut?

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: Hey, guys.
Andy: Hey!
Gabe: Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.
Andy: Not at all.
Gabe: I'm gonna head back to Siberia there. Ciao. [he and Erin kiss]
[aside to camera:]
Gabe: I started dating Erin this summer. It has been, in a word, exquisite.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Gabe is awesome. He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise. Thank God he's my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date if I didn't have to, but... it's been great.

Quote from Michael Scott

Andy: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.
Michael Scott: He's not the worst, okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy-remember? Eeeh! That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though. [starts drinking coffee] Ah! It's not cappuccino.
Oscar: He messed yours up, too.
Darryl: He's got to go, Mike.
Michael Scott: It's just coffee, guys! But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, what's so funny over here? Ha. Very nice. Give me my keys. [removes keys and throws them at Jim] Ha. Ha. Not. Funny. Jim.
Pam: Sorry.
Jim: Oh, no. Don't worry about it. I was just gonna put a couple keys on it every day until Christmas. Then his pants would have fallen down, which was a little gift to me, but...
Pam: It was really funny.
Jim: Well, it would have been. So unprofessional, Mrs. Halpert.
Pam: I love you.

Quote from Meredith

Phyllis: Luke? Luke!
Luke: What's up, Venus?
Phyllis: Did you send those samples to Justin at Lehigh Motors yesterday? Because he didn't get 'em.
Luke: Uh, if you asked me to do it, I'm sure I did it. Yeah, strawberries are ripe.
Meredith: Hey, turn off the Chumbawamba and scram, twerp.
Luke: You don't have to yell.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, rude. Luke, I want you to go to the supermarket for me.
Luke: What for?
Michael Scott: To get some ice cream for everybody. It's national ice cream afternoon. Great.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: And another thing I did this summer, I hired my nephew.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Don't bother Luke.
Pam: Why is there a circle with a line through it?
Michael Scott: That means don't. Haven't you seen Ghostbusters, Pam?
Phyllis: Yeah, but it's like you're saying we should bother Luke.
Michael Scott: No, it- Yes, okay, right. [erases "Don't"] All right, yep. My bad. I got it. Here we go. [writes "Don't" next to the symbol]
Darryl: "Don't don't bother Luke." Got it.
Michael Scott: Come on. Okay, um... [draws a circle around "Don't" with a line through it] That's as clear as I can make it.

Quote from Gabe

Phyllis: Hey, why can't we bother Luke? He deserves it.
Michael Scott: Because I don't want it getting back to Sabre that we're yelling at assistants. I think it would reflect poorly on us.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who's gonna tell on us? Gabe?
Gabe: That'd be hilarious. Uh, "Jo, they're creating a hostile work environment. Stop 'em."

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Nope, it won't be Gabe but actually, there is somebody in the office that is very, very close to Luke.
Dwight K. Schrute: How close?
Michael Scott: Well, Dwight, he wiped his butt. Is that close enough for you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. Of course.
Toby: Guys, I think Michael and Luke are related.
Michael Scott: No. No, Toby. He's not. Yes, he is. He's my nephew.
All: What?
Michael Scott: Luke is my nephew.
Oscar: Michael, that's nepotism. Luke is getting special treatment because he's your nephew.
Michael Scott: Yes, exactly. That is a very nice way of putting it, Oscar. Mixing family and business is a beautiful thing.

Quote from Andy

Kevin: Wait, soy ice cream? Did you get real ice cream?
Pam: Or enough for everyone?
Luke: No, man. There was no list. Uh, but I got bagel chips.
Oscar: Ah, my favorite part of an ice cream party. The bagel chips.
Andy: Clutch cream run, bro.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jo: [on video chat] Why is this my problem, Michael?
Michael Scott: Because Gabe tattled. I was perfectly happy to just hide it from you.
Gabe: Those overnight packages needed to go out, and Michael refuses to hold the guilty party accountable.
Jo: Lower yourself, Gabe. I don't wanna be having a conversation with your crotch. Okay, educate me now why you won't fire the boy.
Michael Scott: You don't have all the facts.
Jo: Which are?
Michael Scott: I love him.
Jo: Oh, God. How far has it gone?
Michael Scott: No. No. He's my nephew.
Jo: Well, I got a nephew, too. But he don't work for me. You know why? Cause he's a screw-up. He can swim in my pool but he can't come in my house.
Michael Scott: Well, this office is my pool. And my house is my house. And I just want my nephew to work in my pool.
Jo: If you keep him, Michael, I'm gonna hold you accountable for him. You're on the hook for this kid. You got that? Cover his ass like tighty-whities.
Michael Scott: I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.
Jo: Was how I put it not clear enough? I mean, you had to go and make up your own saying? Deal with it, boys.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Dwight is about to get so Pammed.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, did you SMS text message me?
Pam: Yeah, I wanted to show you something in the lobby. Come on.
Dwight K. Schrute: [as elevator doors won't shut] Okay, that's weird. Just hitting "door closed." What?
Pam: There we go.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is this elevator going up? Hey, the elevator is disobeying us! [elevator stops between floors] Okay, okay. We are stuck. We are stuck. Hank, Hank! Can you hear us? Oh, my God. Okay. Emergency protocol.
Pam: Let's just- Let's just calm down.
Dwight K. Schrute: Pam, try and pry open those front doors, immediately.
Pam: I don't-
Dwight K. Schrute: Use your talons! Pry 'em open! [starts to urinate in elevator corner]
Pam: Okay, Dwi- Oh, my God!
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, don't look, freak!
Pam: Dwight, what are you doing!? We've only been in here for, like, two seconds!
Dwight K. Schrute: I've got 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder! And we have to establish a pee corner!
Pam: You've gotta be kidding me.

Quote from Pam

Jim: Pam?
Pam: Oh, hey Jim. Some prankster switched the elevator buttons on Dwight.
Jim: I did not do this.
Pam: I know. Yeah, and it was going really great at first. I got video.
Jim: This is impressive.
Pam: Well, you know... they don't call me the Bart Simpson of Scranton for nothing.
Jim: Do they call you that?
Pam: They do call me that.
Jim: Come on, give me your hand. I'll help you down.
Pam: Nope. Scared of getting cut in half. Also, there's pee on the floor.
Jim: Oh! Of course there is.


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