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‘The List’ Quotes

The Office: The List

801. The List

Aired September 22, 2011

As Andy settles into his role as regional manager, Robert California, the new CEO of Dunder Mifflin, divides the office with a list he made.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt.
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I'm telling someone how to do somethin'. I go on with a long description and then I say, "and shove it up your butt." [laughs] It's stupid, but it's my thing now.

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Quote from Erin

Erin: Planking is one of those things where, eh, you either get it or you don't. And I don't. But I am so excited to be a part of it.

Quote from Robert

Andy: Hi, Robert? Can you come out here please? It's really important. Just wanted to clarify something. Some people here are under the misconception that some people may be considered, uh, let's say top-tier and others would be second-tier.
Robert: I never said that.
Andy: Thank you. Great.
Ryan: I said winners and losers. Is that what you're talking about?
Andy: Oh, that, it might- That actually might be what I'm thinking of. Can you clarify that?
Robert: Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues. And then, inevitably re-framing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch, I think you're a winner. If I didn't, I don't. But I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend. Basically, you lie like a plank in weird places. That's it. Sometimes you get run over. Welcome to the Internet.

Quote from Stanley

Andy: Stanley, you do puzzles all day. What do we got?
Stanley: Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add ‘em all up, and shove it up your butt!
Andy: Thank you. A little much needed comic relief, but we really need to figure this out guys.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I knew it. I just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me. My parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors. Everyone.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Okay, I know I've been crying easily today, but- [shows the paper Jim dropped. two lists, "Pam", "Cece" and "New baby" on one side, "Everything else" on the other] I mean, that's just pretty killer, right? I mean, maybe it's stupid. No. [sobbing] It's wonderful. I'm gonna frame it. I can always unframe it.

Quote from Jim

Jim: The Search Committee finally decided, after a lot of deliberation, on Robert California... for the manager position. Who took one look around and left. He drove down to Florida and convinced Jo to make him CEO. CEO! Her own job. He talked her out of her own job. And I don't really know how someone does that. But, anyway, then the position was his to fill.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, at first, I was really disappointed, but I've got a great daily routine going right now. I have upped my karate to eight times a week. I've added boxing: lunches and on weekends. I do kickboxing three times a week. Krav Maga four times a week. An hour of meditation every morning at sunrise and again at sunset. So yeah, I'm doin' great.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Hello.
Erin: Robert California. Let's have a conversation.
Robert: Describe your day so far.
Erin: Well, I woke up. And I hit the snooze-
Robert: And when you recount your day, never say you woke up. It's a waste of your time. That's how every day's begun, for everyone, since the dawn of man.

Quote from Robert

Andy: Weird thing. Totally awkward, but you left your notebook on the reception desk.
Robert: Great. Thank you.
Andy: And it was open. And people saw this. And they're just kinda going nuts and like wondering what it is.
Robert: What is this?
Andy: It's a photocopy from your notebook.
Robert: You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it.
Andy: [laughing] No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it.
Robert: Ah, please. [Andy sits down] Here's what it is. It's a doodle.
Andy: What?
Robert: Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised. Don't you think? Well, I doodle too, but I'm not an artist. So I draw words and lists.
Andy: That is fascinating. And, by the way, I am so glad I asked. People were just sort of- Did you just move my name?
Robert: Might as well have been sketching a cube.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Jim, your daughter, Cecilia. What does she think of the street?
Jim: Uh, the street?
Robert: Sesame Street.
Jim: Oh, I didn't know anybody called it- She likes it a lot. She, uh, loves Elmo.
Robert: God save us, it's the Elmo era.
Jim: Right.
Robert: Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree.
Jim: Yeah, she does like Elmo.

Quote from Andy

Andy: When I was a salesman I could just be like "Not my job, not my prob. I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob." Metaphorically, of course. But now, it is my job and my prob.

Quote from Andy

Erin: Andy, don't go in there!
Andy: I'm going in there.
[in the conference room with Robert:]
Andy: I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse. But, you don't know these people and I do. And if I let you work with faulty information, well, then I'm not doing my job as regional manager. So, please take this pen and change your list.
Robert: I'm not gonna change my list, Andy. And I don't use ballpoint pens.
Andy: Well, then I will make a new list for you. Stanley, you may think he's a lazy grump, but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers of anyone in this office? And you may think he's hard to love, but did you know that he's in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships?
Robert: I did not know about the sales figures.
Andy: Meredith Palmer, supplier relations. The word "no" not even in her vocabulary. And just to show you that I'm being fair. You had Gabe in the loser column. I think that is astute. Good call. Pam, easily the most creative and kind person I have ever worked with. Erin Hannon, the receptionist and my closest confidant. A winner if there ever was one.

Quote from Meredith

Andy: Okay. Robert's in the annex, everybody think quick. What do these groups have in common?
Meredith: Maybe we're suposed to do it with people in our group.
Jim: That's not it.
Meredith: People in the other group.
Jim: Mmm, still wrong.

Quote from Jim

Jim: The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he takes a break, he does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he's gonna zero in on for these really intense small-talks. You just hope it's not you. And yet, you hope it is you, too. It's strange.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, Robert. We have that 9:30am casual chit-chat scheduled. I emailed you about it last night to confirm. And again this morning.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: First item on the agenda: can I get everyone an extra long Columbus Day weekend. Item number two, connect with the guy. Robert California, what does he think of me? Don't know, super care. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I- It's unbelievable. True, I may have been the second choice, but I was the first-choice's first choice. And, about Dwight, I sensed that he might have some resentment about not getting the job so I sat him down and we had a talk. And I told him, "I need a really strong number two. I want you to be my enforcer." Smart, right?
Kevin: [planking on top of the cabinet] Very smart.
Andy: Uh, this has got to stop.
Kevin: I can't get down.

Quote from Pam

Jim: Oh, yeah. Pregnant.
Pam: Right here. Little Michael Scott-
Jim: No, I told you I don't like that joke. It is a boy. We found out early.
Pam: Much different the second time around. And I have to say, it is nice not being the only pregnant woman in the office.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Look, it's a ‘Little Pregs' [points to her belly] and ‘Big Pregs' [points to Pam's belly]
Pam: Wait, when did we start calling it that-
Angela: Isn't it amazing, the difference in our sizes?
Pam: Well, I am a few months ahead of you.
Angela: I am having a child with my husband, the Senator. And Pam is having a child with Jim, the great salesman.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Really great list of names guys. Thank you so much. Good work.
Jim: Uh, no, actually. That was in Robert's notebook.
Pam: He left it at reception and we photocopied it.
Andy: Oh, okay. I don't want any part of this.
Pam: Maybe it's a list of people he's gonna fire.
Jim: Okay, it's not that Pam. You know, I was thinking it reminds me of those lists Dwight used to make.
[later, Dwight joins them in Andy's office:]
Dwight K. Schrute: This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Here's something. Who would eat who in an ‘Alive' situation. No... that can't be it.

Quote from Kevin

Oscar: Cultural ghetto? Totally- Totally agree.
Phyllis: Completely.
Darryl: Apt. Apt analysis, Robert.
Kevin: The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Great group! Pizza party!
Kelly: How is this a pizza party?
Andy: Well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here.
Kelly: Yeah, well, that's just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.
Andy: Okay. You guys ever had Margherita pizza?
Stanley: What's that?
Andy: Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.
Stanley: That's pizza.
Pam: That's regular pizza.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious, but doesn't the fact that I'm in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better? [biting pizza] Oh! This crust is sharp!

Quote from Pam

Pam: I used to be young and cute and sorta funny and I could do those cute, little cartoons. And everyone who came through here was like, "Who's that receptionist? I like her." Now I'm just a fat mom. Yeah, and you take one look at me and you're like, "Oh, loser."

Quote from Pam

Andy: C'mon Pam. Chins up, okay? Bad joke. Look around this room. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously?
Pam: Oh. Oh God!

Quote from Andy

Robert: Are we done?
Andy: Yes. No! The Friday before Columbus Day, we're gonna take a half-day so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend.
Robert: You want a three and half day weekend for Columbus Day?
Andy: Yes, I do.
Robert: And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans.
Andy: I don't care.


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