Stanley: It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt.
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I'm telling someone how to do somethin'. I go on with a long description and then I say, "and shove it up your butt." [laughs] It's stupid, but it's my thing now.

Erin: Planking is one of those things where, eh, you either get it or you don't. And I don't. But I am so excited to be a part of it.

Andy: Hi, Robert? Can you come out here please? It's really important. Just wanted to clarify something. Some people here are under the misconception that some people may be considered, uh, let's say top-tier and others would be second-tier.
Robert: I never said that.
Andy: Thank you. Great.
Robert: I said winners and losers. Is that what you're talking about?
Andy: Oh, that, it might- That actually might be what I'm thinking of. Can you clarify that?
Robert: Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues. And then, inevitably re-framing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch, I think you're a winner. If I didn't, I don't. But I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners, prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong.

Oscar: Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend. Basically, you lie like a plank in weird places. That's it. Sometimes you get run over. Welcome to the Internet.

Andy: Stanley, you do puzzles all day. What do we got?
Stanley: Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add ‘em all up, and shove it up your butt!
Andy: Thank you. A little much needed comic relief, but we really need to figure this out guys.

Kevin: I knew it. I just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me. My parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors. Everyone.

Andy: Weird thing. Totally awkward, but you left your notebook on the reception desk.
Robert: Great. Thank you.
Andy: And it was open. And people saw this. And they're just kinda going nuts and like wondering what it is.
Robert: What is this?
Andy: It's a photocopy from your notebook.
Robert: You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it.
Andy: [laughing] No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it.
Robert: Ah, please. [Andy sits down] Here's what it is. It's a doodle.
Andy: What?
Robert: Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised. Don't you think? Well, I doodle too, but I'm not an artist. So I draw words and lists.
Andy: That is fascinating. And, by the way, I am so glad I asked. People were just sort of- Did you just move my name?
Robert: Might as well have been sketching a cube.

Robert: Jim, your daughter, Cecilia. What does she think of the street?
Jim: Uh, the street?
Robert: Sesame Street.
Jim: Oh, I didn't know anybody called it- She likes it a lot. She, uh, loves Elmo.
Robert: God save us, it's the Elmo era.
Jim: Right.
Robert: Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree.
Jim: Yeah, she does like Elmo.

Pam: Okay, I know I've been crying easily today, but- [shows the paper Jim dropped. two lists, "Pam", "Cece" and "New baby" on one side, "Everything else" on the other] I mean, that's just pretty killer, right? I mean, maybe it's stupid. No. [sobbing] It's wonderful. I'm gonna frame it. I can always unframe it.

Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, at first, I was really disappointed, but I've got a great daily routine going right now. I have upped my karate to eight times a week. I've added boxing: lunches and on weekends. I do kickboxing three times a week. Krav Maga four times a week. An hour of meditation every morning at sunrise and again at sunset. So yeah, I'm doin' great.