TV Quotes

Michael Scott: Why are you here?
Dwight K. Schrute: When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection.
Michael Scott: Not. I said, not that.
Darryl: We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.
Michael Scott: That's ironic.
Darryl: What?
Michael Scott: That you are afraid.
Darryl: Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood?
Michael Scott: Dinkin flicka.
Darryl: Dinkin flicka.

Darryl: I taught Mike some phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, "Fleece it out." "Going mach five." "Dinkin flicka." You know, things us Negroes say. Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too.

Pam: [on the phone] Michael, Carole Stills for you.
Michael Scott: Who?
Pam: Carole Stills.
Michael Scott: Do I know a Carole Stills?
Pam: Your realtor.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah, put her through. Hey, Carole, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?
Pam: It's still me.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Sometimes I don't put Michael through until he's already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt.

Pam: [on the phone] About 10 minutes ago. No, I didn't know what to say. Yes, I know. I don't know, Mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am. [Jim walks in] Um, I have to go. I will. Listen, Jim...
[Jim kisses Pam. As he does so, she moves closer and holds her hands around his face.]

Jim: Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two?
Dwight K. Schrute: I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years.
Pam: It's a nice tux.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom.

Michael Scott: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna-
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's... You know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael Scott: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.

Kevin: We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often. We are all really hoping that Pam's wedding works out. This could be a turning point for the band.

Creed: Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things.

Jim: Hey, how's it going?
Pam: Good, especially after I took all your money in poker.
Jim: Yeah. Hey, can I talk to you about something?
Pam: About when you want to give me more of your money?
Jim: No, I-
Pam: Did you wanna do that now? We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight.
Jim: I was just- I'm in love with you.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just-
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I, um- I- I can't.
Jim: Yeah.

Pam: You have no idea-
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that.
Pam: I can't. I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault.
Jim: Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.

Michael Scott: I try not to think of it as lagging behind. It's more of a David-and-Goliath thing.
Jan: [on the phone] Yeah, but Well, the fact of the matter is that your branch is currently number four of the five branches that I oversee.
Michael Scott: Top 80%!
Jan: Michael? Yeah? You know that I'm very serious here.
Michael Scott: Jan, listen, I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam!
Jan: What?
Michael Scott: Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you, not that I have you or have ever had you, but we're having our Casino Night tonight and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here.
Jan: I thought that you were their fearless leader.
Michael Scott: I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez.

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: Oh, I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Pam: Afghani.
Michael Scott: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: That's a dog.
Pam: No, that's Afghan.
Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael Scott: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

Michael Scott: That's insane.
Toby: I have good cards.
Michael Scott: Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn't that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So, don't be stupid. Just take it back.
Croupier: No, I'm sorry. He can't, sir. He's gone all-in.
Michael Scott: Okay, all right, whatever.
Croupier: Flip them.
Michael Scott: You really- Screwed that up.
[aside to camera:]
Toby: I don't really play cards, but I'm not gonna lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael.

Angela: We are giving money that has been gambled. Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves, and donate that money to charity?

Michael Scott: Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just- It's nice to know, at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, "Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening." Makes you feel good.

Dwight K. Schrute: Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance.
Jim: I can always kind of win at roulette.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, really?
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah. How would you do that?
Jim: Mind control.
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't be serious. [Jim stares at Dwight] Are you serious?
Jim: Ever since I was a little kid, like, eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't believe you. Continue.
Jim: It was just little things, you know, like I could make something shake or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's ridiculous. You know what? Uh... Why don't you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.
Jim: Okay, I'll try.
[The coat rack sways back and forth. Later, Pam holds up an umbrella to the camera]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, my God.

Creed: There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays. I'll probably give the money to them.

Michael Scott: I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works?
Darryl: Mike, I am not having fire-eaters in a paper warehouse.
Michael Scott: It's Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place.
Darryl: Except my warehouse.
Michael Scott: Well, actually, it's my warehouse.
Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, it's owned by Beakman Properties, and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease.

Jim: Oh, this band is called Scrantonicity. Let's take a look. Nice.
Pam: Oh, wait. That's Kevin. On the drums.
Jim: What?
Pam: On the drums! On the drums!
Jim: Oh, my God, that's Kevin! Great song, Kev. Oh, my God, he's the drummer and the singer.

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back. Two dates. He's got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carole and vice versa. Michael said, "We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them."

Michael Scott: Billy, your nurse is hot.
Billy: That's my girlfriend.
Michael Scott: Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet.
Billy: She was never my nurse. I met her at Chili's. She was my waitress.
Michael Scott: Chili's is great.

Michael Scott: Willkommen. Bienvenue. And welcome to Monte Carlo! Dwight. I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss.
Stanley: Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?
Michael Scott: Shut it, shut it, shut it. Will Lady Fortune be your mistress? Only time will tell, my friends. Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos at the door. Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled, welcome, all. Great, okay. Shuffle up and deal. Let's get it started.

Michael Scott: Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. Did you believe me?

Bob Vance: Excuse me. Big moment. The evening's chip leader and winner of this beautiful mini-refrigerator courtesy of Vance Refrigeration, Creed Bratton, Dunder Mifflin.
Creed: Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator.