TV Quotes

Michael Scott: Why are you here?
Dwight K. Schrute: When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection.
Michael Scott: Not. I said, not that.
Darryl: We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.
Michael Scott: That's ironic.
Darryl: What?
Michael Scott: That you are afraid.
Darryl: Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood?
Michael Scott: Dinkin flicka.
Darryl: Dinkin flicka.

Darryl: I taught Mike some phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, "Fleece it out." "Going mach five." "Dinkin flicka." You know, things us Negroes say. Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too.

Pam: [on the phone] Michael, Carole Stills for you.
Michael Scott: Who?
Pam: Carole Stills.
Michael Scott: Do I know a Carole Stills?
Pam: Your realtor.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah, put her through. Hey, Carole, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?
Pam: It's still me.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Sometimes I don't put Michael through until he's already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt.

Pam: [on the phone] About 10 minutes ago. No, I didn't know what to say. Yes, I know. I don't know, Mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am. [Jim walks in] Um, I have to go. I will. Listen, Jim...
[Jim kisses Pam. As he does so, she moves closer and holds her hands around his face.]

Jim: Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two?
Dwight K. Schrute: I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years.
Pam: It's a nice tux.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom.

Michael Scott: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna-
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's... You know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael Scott: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.

Kevin: We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often. We are all really hoping that Pam's wedding works out. This could be a turning point for the band.

Creed: Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things.

Jim: Hey, how's it going?
Pam: Good, especially after I took all your money in poker.
Jim: Yeah. Hey, can I talk to you about something?
Pam: About when you want to give me more of your money?
Jim: No, I-
Pam: Did you wanna do that now? We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight.
Jim: I was just- I'm in love with you.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just-
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I, um- I- I can't.
Jim: Yeah.

Pam: You have no idea-
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that.
Pam: I can't. I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault.
Jim: Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.

Michael Scott: I try not to think of it as lagging behind. It's more of a David-and-Goliath thing.
Jan: [on the phone] Yeah, but Well, the fact of the matter is that your branch is currently number four of the five branches that I oversee.
Michael Scott: Top 80%!
Jan: Michael? Yeah? You know that I'm very serious here.
Michael Scott: Jan, listen, I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam!
Jan: What?
Michael Scott: Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you, not that I have you or have ever had you, but we're having our Casino Night tonight and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here.
Jan: I thought that you were their fearless leader.
Michael Scott: I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez.

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: Oh, I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Pam: Afghani.
Michael Scott: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: That's a dog.
Pam: No, that's Afghan.
Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael Scott: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

Michael Scott: That's insane.
Toby: I have good cards.
Michael Scott: Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn't that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So, don't be stupid. Just take it back.
Croupier: No, I'm sorry. He can't, sir. He's gone all-in.
Michael Scott: Okay, all right, whatever.
Croupier: Flip them.
Michael Scott: You really- Screwed that up.
[aside to camera:]
Toby: I don't really play cards, but I'm not gonna lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael.

Angela: We are giving money that has been gambled. Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves, and donate that money to charity?

Michael Scott: Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just- It's nice to know, at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, "Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening." Makes you feel good.

Dwight K. Schrute: Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance.
Jim: I can always kind of win at roulette.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, really?
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah. How would you do that?
Jim: Mind control.
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't be serious. [Jim stares at Dwight] Are you serious?
Jim: Ever since I was a little kid, like, eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't believe you. Continue.
Jim: It was just little things, you know, like I could make something shake or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's ridiculous. You know what? Uh... Why don't you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.
Jim: Okay, I'll try.
[The coat rack sways back and forth. Later, Pam holds up an umbrella to the camera]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, my God.

Creed: There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays. I'll probably give the money to them.

Michael Scott: I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works?
Darryl: Mike, I am not having fire-eaters in a paper warehouse.
Michael Scott: It's Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place.
Darryl: Except my warehouse.
Michael Scott: Well, actually, it's my warehouse.
Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, it's owned by Beakman Properties, and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease.

Jim: Oh, this band is called Scrantonicity. Let's take a look. Nice.
Pam: Oh, wait. That's Kevin. On the drums.
Jim: What?
Pam: On the drums! On the drums!
Jim: Oh, my God, that's Kevin! Great song, Kev. Oh, my God, he's the drummer and the singer.

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back. Two dates. He's got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carole and vice versa. Michael said, "We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them."

Michael Scott: Billy, your nurse is hot.
Billy: That's my girlfriend.
Michael Scott: Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet.
Billy: She was never my nurse. I met her at Chili's. She was my waitress.
Michael Scott: Chili's is great.

Michael Scott: Willkommen. Bienvenue. And welcome to Monte Carlo! Dwight. I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss.
Stanley: Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?
Michael Scott: Shut it, shut it, shut it. Will Lady Fortune be your mistress? Only time will tell, my friends. Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos at the door. Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled, welcome, all. Great, okay. Shuffle up and deal. Let's get it started.

Michael Scott: Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. Did you believe me?

Bob Vance: Excuse me. Big moment. The evening's chip leader and winner of this beautiful mini-refrigerator courtesy of Vance Refrigeration, Creed Bratton, Dunder Mifflin.
Creed: Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator.

Michael Scott: Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day.

Michael Scott: Okay, everybody. Tonight's event is to benefit the Boy Scouts of America.
Oscar: Again. We do that every year.
Michael Scott: Well, they need our money. They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts.
Oscar: It'd be nice to do something for people who are actually suffering.
Oscar: Well, Oscar, if you don't like it, then you should concentrate on winning. Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice. And they will get a mini-fridge, compliments of Vance Refrigeration.

Michael Scott: So, get your charities in to Pam. I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief.
Jim: That doesn't exist anymore.
Michael Scott: Comedy's very much alive, as are homeless people.
Pam: No, they stopped making that show.
Michael Scott: Well, then, they need our money more than ever.
Angela: You have to pick an approved, non-profit organization.

Kelly: Kobe Bryant has a foundation, and he is so hot. And he gave his wife the biggest diamond ring. I know he didn't do it. Maybe he did it.

Michael Scott: There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians, JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head. And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams.

Jim: "Till Death Do Us Rock."
Pam: They're wedding bands.
Jim: Oh.
Pam: Roy was supposed to pick the band, but he's concentrating more on the bachelor party now.
Jim: Wait, wait, where you going? I mean, even if you don't hire a band, you still have to watch the bands. Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams. I have great respect for that. And, yes, they're all probably very bad and that will make me feel better about not having dreams.
Pam: There's a KISS cover band in here.
Jim: Let's do it.

Pam: I'm pretty happy these days. I'm getting married soon and I'm getting along with everybody at work.

Jim: Why did I talk to Jan about transferring? Well, you know. I have no future here.

Pam: Jim is great. Being with him just takes away all the stress of planning my wedding.

Michael Scott: Can I get you a drink? The food is from Hooters.
Carole: Drink would be good.
Michael Scott: Okay.

Dwight K. Schrute: I expect to do very well tonight. I have an acute ability to read people. Jim, for instance, has a huge tell. When he gets a good hand, he coughs.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: It's the weirdest thing. Every time I cough, he folds.

Angela: Good evening, Dwight. What is this?
Dwight K. Schrute: Evening, Angela. This is craps. I need to roll an eight. If I do, everyone wins.
Angela: Then roll an eight.
Dwight K. Schrute: All right. Thank you, Angela.
Angela: Good luck, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah! Yeah! That's good stuff.
[Dwight kisses Angela. In response, she slaps him across the face]

Ryan: One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can.
Jim: So, that's still going on, huh? You and Kelly?

Dwight K. Schrute: So, where you staying? Radisson?
Jan: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: Super 8?
Jan: No, I-
Dwight K. Schrute: Motel 6? Best Western?
Jan: I didn't- I don't know-
Dwight K. Schrute: Holiday Inn? The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre? You staying with Michael?

Kevin: I won the 2002 $2,500 No-Limit Deuce-to-Seven-Draw Tournament at the World Series of Poker in Vegas. So, yeah I'm pretty good at poker.

Bob Vance: Good luck, honey.
Phyllis: Oh, thank you, Bobby. But it doesn't matter, it's just fun to play.
Kevin: Three queens.
Croupier: Nice, very nice.
Phyllis: I have an ace.
Bob Vance: No, that's a flush.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, man!
Phyllis: Oh, I have a flush! Look, I won. Look, I have all the clovers.

Michael Scott: Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did. And Jan was really happy for me. So, actually, the hero got two girls. He got the girl that he works with and he got the girl that he buys real estate from. So, I've got my New York girl and my local flavor. Life is good.

Michael Scott: Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.