Michael Scott: I am a good person, and sometimes good people don't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. [as Rodney Dangerfield] Hey, I don't get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got no respect. My wife likes to talk after sex. So she called me from a hotel room, said, "I don't respect you." Thoughtless. Ah, you know what don't get no respect? Airplane food. Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food? [as Andy Kaufman] My wife don't get no respect. Someone take her, please, for example. [as Jeff Foxworthy] If you don't get no respect, you might be a redneck. [as Borat] Respect is nice. Borat. [as Jerry Seinfeld] What's the deal with grape nuts? No grapes, no nuts. [as Rodney Dangerfield] I don't get no respect.

Stanley: It's like I used to tell my wife. "I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong and if you don't like it, you can leave." And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one too.

Michael Scott: Now we're cooking. I like this. Maybe a whole theme, like a rap. A rap rhyme.
Jim: An urban thing.
Michael Scott: An urban- Yeah, Stanley, you wanna help us out with that? Stanley! Earth to Stanley.
Stanley: Not me.
Michael Scott: Yes, you. Come on, Stanley, put your little game down and join the group. No. Stanley, we're having-
Stanley: Leave me alone, damn it.
Michael Scott: We're having a brainstorm session!
Stanley: Did I stutter?!

Michael Scott: Stanley Hudson, you are fired.
Stanley: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: I am serious. We are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack.
Stanley: You're firing me over three words? Have you lost your mind? Do you think I'm gonna let you do this to me? I've watched you screw up this office for ten years, and I'm filing a lawsuit, and I'm gonna tell them about every stupid thing you've ever done up in this office.
Michael Scott: All right. All right. Okay. You know what? Now you know how I feel. This was a fake firing. Lesson learned. Good work, everybody. Very nice.
Stanley: So I'm not fired?
Michael Scott: That's it. And do you have anything to say to me?
Stanley: Oh yes, I do. You are out of your damn little pea-sized mind. What is wrong with you? Do you have any sense at all? Do you have any idea how to run an office? Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before. And I think, "There's no possible way he can top that." But what you do you do? You find a way, damn it, to top it. You are a professional idiot!

Michael Scott: [sobbing] I don't understand why you keep picking on me.
Stanley: Oh, for the love of god.
Michael Scott: You just do, and I don't know why, so please help me understand.
Stanley: Fine. Here it is. You are a person I do not respect. The things you say, your actions, your methods and style. Everything you would do, I would do it the opposite way.
Michael Scott: Well, Stanley, maybe you are feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well.
Stanley: Michael, I've know you a very long time. And the more I've gotten to know you, the less I've come to respect you. Any other theories?
Michael Scott: All right, you don't respect me. I accept that. But listen to me. You can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't. I am your boss. Can't allow it.
Stanley: Fair enough.

Michael Scott: Today's a very special day for me. And it's really not about me. It's about my grandkids. It's about my great-grandkids. I can come back here when I'm 100, and I can find that piece of cement and say, "That's me. Look, kids. Your daddy left that facehole." I don't know. It's a good feeling.

Toby: I really think that you need to address what happened with Stanley this morning.
Michael Scott: [sighs] What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened.
Toby: Well, you know, Stanley was openly insubordinate.
Michael Scott: That, in the conference room?
Toby: Yeah.
Michael Scott: We were joshing around, the two of us. And he said, "Did I stutter?" And I said, "wh-wh-wh-what, dog?" It was joking, Toby, all right?
Toby: He didn't seem like he was joking.
Michael Scott: Well, you don't get it, because Stanley is a beautiful, sassy, powerful black man, and you're you. If you had any friends, you would understand. Friends joke with one another. "Hey, um, you're poor." "Well, hey, your mama's dead." That's what friends do. It's- You're so white.

Creed: A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam without her glasses and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.

Jim: We are here today not to immortalize a man, but an idea. Maybe the idea of a man.
Michael Scott: Hurry, please.
Jim: Greatness is only skin-deep some people say. Well, that's not true. Other people believe it's deeper inside and in this case, that's also not true.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ready and go! Force it in as deep as you can go.
Michael Scott: That's what she said.

Michael Scott: Energize.
Jim: You know what would energize me? If you, Pamela Morgan Beesly-
Pam: Don't, don't dare. If you propose to me during the Michael meeting, I will say no.
Jim: Well, it's too late, 'cause I'm proposing that you get me a cup of coffee, which would energize me greatly and make me the happiest man in the world.