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41Quotes from ‘Customer Survey’

The Office: Customer Survey

507. Customer Survey

Aired November 6, 2008

Dwight and Jim suspect there's something amiss when their customer surveys are negative. Meanwhile, Pam and Jim spend the day in close communication with the help of in-ear Bluetooth devices.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I was there. That dude is not engaged. I'm not a big believer in therapy, but I'll go into my own pockets to cover his co-pay.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Jimbo, let's do this thang.
Jim: That is me. Wish me luck.
Dwight K. Schrute: No way.
Pam: [on Bluetooth speaker] Good luck.
Jim: Thanks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Didn't say anything.
Pam: Love you.
Jim: Love you too.
Dwight K. Schrute: What do you think I am saying to you?
Jim: Not talking to you.

Quote from Angela

Angela: OK, fine. You can have your tent, but only if it's in a field. A hand-plowed field.
Andy: Done, and done-er.
Angela: There has to be a barn that's old enough that you can see the stars through the roof slats when you lay on your back. And antique tools to look at when you roll over.
Andy: Do you have a specific place in mind?
Angela: But anything within a 5 to 8 mile radius is acceptable.
Andy: On it!

Quote from Andy

Andy: I found it. I found the perfect place. A local bed and breakfast on a 60-acre beet farm. And even better, I have an in with the owner. Oh, yeah, we work together. It's Dwight Schrute. As in Schrute Farms.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding.
Andy: No, we haven't decided on anything yet. We're still reviewing some options, and it's gonna come down to the numbers.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, then, why don't you look over some of our materials? While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms, I can promise you that our grounds can be catered to fit your exact specifications. I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months, and be at your constant disposal. Please feel free to call or stop by any time of the day or night.
Andy: That's very generous.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well you, my good friend, have nothing more to worry about. This wedding is officially out of your hands.
Andy: Oh, thank the good lord. Deal! What are we talking, price wise?
Dwight K. Schrute: You already said deal.
Angela: Pay him whatever he wants.
Andy: Can't argue with that. Dwight, you're gonna make us so happy.

Quote from Jim

Pam: [on Bluetooth speaker] What was that?
Jim: Wow. That was Dwight. He seems upset about something.
Pam: Describe him exactly. What color mustard is his shirt? Yellow or Dijon?
Jim: It is more of a spicy brown, actually.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I found the best "tentist" on the east coast. He personally tented Giuliani's first and third weddings. And I got him. I got him!

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Now, Jim is going to be the client. Dwight, you're going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile, or difficult. Let's go.
Dwight K. Schrute: All right, fine. [clears throat] Ring.
Jim: Hello.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin paper company.
Jim: Oh, that's great 'cause I need paper.
Dwight K. Schrute: Excellent, then you are in luck because we are having a limited-time offer only on everything.
Jim: Wow. This is my lucky day.
Michael Scott: Ask him his name.
Dwight K. Schrute: What's your name, sir?
Jim: I am Bill Buttlicker.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really? That's your real name?
Jim: How dare you? My family built this country, by the way!
Michael Scott: Be respectful, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, Michael.
Jim: Would you hold on a second? That's my other line. Hello. [laughing] No, I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman. He's so dumb. I'm probably just gonna keep him on line forever and not buy anything. Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic, customer service rep. And once a year she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor's list. Schindler's list parody. That's not appropriate.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I need a decent bonus because I'm actually in the process of buying my parents' house, so that they can retire. And if history tells us anything, it's that you can't go wrong buying a house you can't afford.

Quote from Pam

Kelly: [to Dwight] You can't come into my nook and call me stupid. Maybe if you were a little bit more nice and polite, people wouldn't give such bad customer reviews.
Dwight K. Schrute: The reason that I got bad customer reviews is because I didn't! There is a massive conspiracy going on here, and I know you're involved.
Kelly: Dwight, get out of my nook!
Pam: [over Bluetooth speaker] That's what she said! That's what she said!
Jim: Good one.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Those reports affect our bonuses. Which is kind of great for me because, you wouldn't know from looking at her but Pam's a gold digger.
Pam: [on Bluetooth speaker] Hey, New York ain't free. Get back to work.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Dwight, your feedback is horrible.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's impossible.
Michael Scott: A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful?
Dwight K. Schrute: I sell more paper than anyone.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, is this a joke? I'm getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes.
Michael Scott: Do I look like I am joking?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, but that's sometimes part of it.
Michael Scott: If I were joking, you'd be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Impossible to say. I can't see myself.
Michael Scott: You're not.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So let's see what we can find out from reading. "Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant."
Jim: I think you mean "smug".
Michael Scott: Arrogance.
Jim: Michael, I'm just trying to-
Michael Scott: And there's our smudgeness.

Quote from Pam

Jim: Pam. Sorry about that. I lost you for a second. So as it turns out, I may not have done so hot on my customer reviews this year.
Pam: [on Bluetooth speaker] Maybe it's cause you spent whole year flirting with the receptionist.
Jim: A little bit. Worth it.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Here's what's going to happen. I am going to have to fix you. Manage you two on a more personal scale. A more micro form of management. Jim, what is that called?
Jim: Microgement.
Michael Scott: Boom! Yes!

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: [to Dwight] It's up to you to change his mind.
Jim: Sorry. That was a family emergency.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, no. What's wrong?
Jim: You know what, that's private.
Michael Scott: Boundaries, Dwight. Come on!
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm sorry, Mr. Buttlicker. As I was saying, we're having-
Jim: You'll have to speak a bit louder. I'm hard of hearing.
Michael Scott: He's hard of- He's an old man.
Dwight K. Schrute: As I was saying, right now we are-
Jim: You're gonna have to talk louder.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Our prices have never been lower.
Jim: Son, you have to talk louder.
Dwight K. Schrute: Never been lower.
Jim: Louder, son!
Dwight K. Schrute: Buttlicker, our prices have never been lower!
Michael Scott: Okay, stop it! That is totally inappropriate. You never yell at the client. Never yell at a client.
Jim: Now, you listen to me, sir. The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile, and definitely difficult.
Dwight K. Schrute: Please, Mr. Buttlicker.
Jim: I'm irate right now!

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: I've got to put you on with my boss.
Jim: Well, I should hope so. Who is this?
Michael Scott: Hello, this is Michael Scott, regional manager.
Jim: This is William M. Buttlicker.
Michael Scott: Hello, Mr. Buttlicker. How may we help you?
Jim: Michael, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna buy $1 million worth of paper products today.
Michael Scott: [to Dwight] See how it's done? Thank you very much, sir. I don't think you'll regret it.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're the master.
Jim: There is one condition, Michael. You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't do it, Michael.
Michael Scott: It's a million-dollar sale.

Quote from Angela

Andy: So, it's called the Shangri-La tent. It's two stories, heated, and it has a bridal suite for my bridal sweet. It's just really simple. Really tasteful.
Angela: I don't want to be married in a tent like a hobo.
Andy: Hobos live in trains.
Angela: Nana Mimi can't be in canvas that long.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Get in.
Jim: Are you serious?
Dwight K. Schrute: Get in!
Jim: Okay, what are you-
Dwight K. Schrute: Ssh. [starts playing "Centerfold" by The J. Geils Band] They might be listening to us. They might be listening to us!
Jim: Who's "they"?
Dwight K. Schrute: Customer service might be monitoring this conversation.
Jim: In this car?
Dwight K. Schrute: You never know, better safe than sorry.
Jim: What are you thinking here?
Dwight K. Schrute: Who stands to benefit from our downfall?
Jim: The mob? Maybe NASA.
Dwight K. Schrute: Could be the mob. But then Dunder Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering, and there's little evidence of that.
Jim: Is there some evidence?

Quote from Jim

Pam: [over Bluetooth speaker] Ooh, cute shoes online.
Jim: How many shoes do you need?
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't know. Two? Maybe three, if one wears out. How many shoes do you need?
Jim: I'm not talking to you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who are you talking to?
Jim: Pam.
Dwight K. Schrute: She's not here, Jim!
Jim: No, she's not.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Kelly: My god, you scared me!
Dwight K. Schrute: Hear anything interesting?
Kelly: What are you talking about?
Dwight K. Schrute: I think you know.
Kelly: You always say that, and I almost never know.
Dwight K. Schrute: What are you up to, girl? Phyllis put you up to this? Stanley? Are they paying you?
Kelly: Are you accusing me of something?
Dwight K. Schrute: Of course. I know you're the mastermind. But you're too stupid to do it by yourself.

Quote from Ryan

Jim: Hey, how's things?
Ryan: All right.
Jim: Yeah?
Ryan: Livin' in the moment.
Jim: Do you have any reason to believe that Kelly would be mad at me?
Ryan: Oh, I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim. Can I tell you something? I played it full-on in New York. I played it high stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top. But look what it costs.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Dwight, let me see your coffee cup.
Dwight K. Schrute: No!
Jim: Is that it?
Dwight K. Schrute: No. Why?
Jim: Okay, I'm gonna assume that was it. Here's the thing. I think you're right. I think it was Kelly. I think she's mad at us for not coming to her party.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, man, I knew it. Who are her co-conspirators?
Jim: Probably just Kelly.
Dwight K. Schrute: Obviously. I knew it.
Jim: That's what I'm saying.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Jim: You were right.
Dwight K. Schrute: I was I was right.
Jim: You were right. You knew it.
Dwight K. Schrute: I was right. I knew it.
Jim: You knew it the whole time, buddy.
Dwight K. Schrute: I knew it the whole time, buddy!

Quote from Jim

Jim: That's it, I want to talk to this guy. Put me in his ear.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Customer: [on the phone] So I'd like to re-double my order. If you could put me down for-
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait. Shut up.
Customer: I'm sorry?
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you hear that?
Customer: Hear what?
Dwight K. Schrute: Breathing. Is that you?
Customer: Well, I am breathing, yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, stop. Hold your breath. I still hear it. Who's there? Kelly, is that you? Hold on.
Customer: I need paper.

Quote from Michael Scott

Andy: Big idea: double wedding. Me, Angela. You, Holly.
Michael Scott: No. We would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam.
Jim: We'd never do that.
Michael Scott: So there you go.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Michael, I got my bridesmaid dress.
Michael Scott: Wow. So quickly.
Kelly: Yeah. And you said I could get it in any color I wanted, so I picked white.

Quote from Michael Scott

Mother: [on speaker phone] Hello?
Michael Scott: Mom, I'm gettin' married.
Mother: No, you're not.
Michael Scott: Why do you always do that? Whenever I'm getting married, you don't believe me.
Mother: Are you getting married?
Michael Scott: No. I'm not. I'm not getting married. Psych.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kelly: So, I returned my bridesmaid dress, and it was on sale, so I'm out $100.
Michael Scott: And I'm out a fiancee. Are those the customer surveys?
Kelly: Yeah, uh, this is all of them. Jim, Dwight, Phyllis, Stanley, Andy and... Oh, it's the receipt to my bridesmaid dress. What's that doing there?
Michael Scott: I'll take care of that for you. [throws receipt in the trash] Thanks.

Quote from Pam

Pam: It's the world's tiniest Bluetooth. I found it in a Japanese gadget store in the Village. I got one for Jim too. Jim, say something.
Jim: [on Bluetooth speaker] Testing, testing. Hello, everybody.
Pam: We wanted to stay on the phone all day, but the company has a policy against 8-hour personal calls. So we're not telling anyone.
Alex: Pam, what do you want in your coffee?
Pam: Sprinkle of cinnamon.
Jim: Sprinkle of cinnamon.
Pam: I should go.

Quote from Andy

Andy: That's my mug.
Jim: Sorry. It was just It was right here.
Andy: Right, well, it's mine, so, if you could pour it out and get another one.
Jim: Or maybe I could finish the coffee in here. And you could use Snoopy. He's funny.
Pam: [on Bluetooth speaker] Don't give him Snoopy. That's mine.
Andy: That is a great mug. But it's not my mug. That is my mug. So give it back.
Jim: How can you even be sure?
Andy: Well, it has my face on it.
Jim: Make the face. No, I don't see it.
Andy: Dude, that is my face.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: What are you mumbling about?
Jim: How was your meeting with Michael?
Dwight K. Schrute: None of your business.
Jim: Was it your scores?
Dwight K. Schrute: These can't be my scores, Jim. For your information, I'm being sabotaged.
Jim: Of course.
Dwight K. Schrute: And I'm gonna find that person and punish them.
Jim: Absolutely. Or you could just be nice to your customers.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're an idiot.
Jim: There's the charm.

Quote from Pam

Pam: [over Bluetooth speaker] That was weird.
Jim: What was?
Pam: Have you ever had a conversation where she didn't go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath?
Jim: [chuckling] No, actually.
Pam: Did you do something to her?
Jim: Don't think so.
Pam: Well, something's off.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Can I tell you what else I learned?
Jim: Wait, that's pretty weird.
Ryan: What?
Jim: Well, Andy has a mug just like that.
Ryan: Oh, yeah, Kelly gave them out as party favors. Remember? You got one.
Jim: What party?
Ryan: Her America's Got Talent finale party over the summer. That's crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there. You were, I remember you being there.
Jim: I wasn't, but thank you.

Quote from Kelly

Michael Scott: I'll give you one last chance to come clean. Just tell me what happened.
Kelly: Okay, all right. Okay, I did it, all right? I lied, whatever. Just fire me. But you know what? I did it because you didn't come to my party, and you said you would try to, and then didn't even show up, and so you're bad friends.
Dwight K. Schrute: We have our confession. I'm calling security-
Michael Scott: Don't. Don't. Get away from that, Dwight, please. You know, she's got a point about you two. You do have a problem dealing with people.
Kelly: See? I wasn't lying.
Michael Scott: You were lying.
Kelly: I was lying.
Michael Scott: Yes.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place. And I hate it. I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I don't even know why I make it in such great quantities. Here's what we're gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while, make it look good. And maybe you should cry. Can you make yourself cry?
Kelly: No problem.
Michael Scott: I think you should do that.
[Kelly starts crying, then laughing. Michael laughs with her]

Quote from Pam

Pam: What's up?
Alex: I want to take a big leap. And I want to tell you that I think that you should not move back to Scranton.
Jim: I'm gonna make a bigger leap here. He is into you.
Alex: Why did you come to New York in the first place?
Pam: Because they have a great design program, and I wanted to see if I was any good at it. And I wanted to work on my art, too.
Alex: Right. And that's why I think you should stay here. 'Cause, I mean, you really, you just got here. You know, and you can't do New York in three months. You know, it has everything. All the opportunity is here. All the whole art scene is in New York. It would be nuts to go back to Scranton without getting to fully experience it.
Pam: Jim's in Scranton.
Alex: I know, but all I'm saying is, if there's even a teeny tiny part of you that really wants to be an artist, then I think you should stay here. Because you don't want to wake up in 50 years and look back and wonder what could have been. And that is the end of my speech. I planned it all. Anyway, I will see you tomorrow.
Pam: I'll see you tomorrow.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Is that the Matsuhashi B400? The world's tiniest bluetooth. May I?
Jim: Don't.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: What's going on?
Michael Scott: Why don't you tell us.
Kelly: Nothing's going on.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let me paint you a picture, of a little girl from southern India, who, despite being welcomed into this country, will now spend the rest of her life in prison for a crime she did commit.
Michael Scott: Dwight, I was informed by these gentlemen that the reports that you filed may not entirely be accurate.
Kelly: What? I don't know what you're talking about. This is the first time I'm hearing about this.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, come on! You juked the stats, cupcake.
Jim: We called about a dozen customers, they all said they gave us great marks.
Michael Scott: What's going on?
Kelly: I love your tie, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh. Kelly?
Kelly: I was raped.
Michael Scott: You cannot say "I was raped" and expect all your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that.


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