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27Quotes from ‘Halloween’

The Office: Halloween

205. Halloween

Aired October 18, 2005

On Halloween, Michael can not put off the decision on who to fire any longer.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.

Quote from Jim

Pam: [answering the phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Yeah. Just one second. I will transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott.
Jim: [answering the phone] Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Hmm-hmm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. Hmm-hmm. You know what? I'm gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute and he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well, then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott personally and financially responsible. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Honestly, I don't think Michael has the slightest clue of who he's gonna fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone's gonna volunteer, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really, what's gonna happen is it's gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma.

Quote from Phyllis

Dwight K. Schrute: What about me?
Phyllis: What are What are you? A monk?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm a Sith lord. Oh, big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me $129.
Phyllis: Ass.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, you know what? Go buy some more. I'll approve the overages. Sound good?
Angela: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Good. Oh, yeah, also, about budget stuff... Um, I'm gonna need you to find, like, a full employee salary plus benefits. Like 50 grand. I'm gonna need you to find 50 grand in the numbers.
Angela: But we don't keep two sets of books.
Michael Scott: Well, that's not what I'm saying. Just, you know, find it. Pretend that your jobs depend on it.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Okay, greatest strength.
Jim: Okay, okay.
Pam: A dog-like obedience to authority.
Jim: Nice.
Pam: But that doesn't sound good.
Jim: Okay, okay. How about the ultimate team player? [to camera:] Dwight is special. But I don't believe that his talents are being used in this office. So Pam and I have put his resume on Monster.com, Google, Craig's List. We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Preferably Alaska or India.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes, pennies, walnuts...

Quote from Stanley

Dwight K. Schrute: Stanley, could you come with me, please?
Stanley: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: As Assistant Regional Manager-
Stanley: To the.
Dwight K. Schrute: Look, I've got some bad news. You're fired. You need to pack up your things and go. I'm serious, Stanley. It's over. I'm sorry.
Stanley: "You're fired." Get your fingers off my phone.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Cumberland Mills? And how did you get my resume? Oh, no, no. I'm very flattered. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh, okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: So you got the fax. So why didn't you add it to the resume? What do you mean? Of course, martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence! Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too, and I will see you there burning. Fine. Oh, wait, so you'll let me know when you've made a decision?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Devon, wait. Please.
Devon: What?
Michael Scott: Look, look. In addition to severance and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's from me. Okay? No hard feelings.

Quote from Jim

Pam: I'm sorry for pushing you toward Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out. Come on.
Jim: [to camera] That's just a figure of speech, you know. Blow your brains out? Come on. All it really means is that we're friends. And who else is she gonna talk to if I'm gone? Right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn't blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland because it's double the pay and soft-shell crab just happens to be my favorite food.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so that you could still be friends with the person firing you?
Sherry: [on the phone] Jan wants the name as soon as possible, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thanks. I'll call her back. I wish I could fire Sherry.
Sherry: Hey, I'm still here.
Michael Scott: Okay. I'm sorry.
Sherry: Yeah.
Michael Scott: No. Okay. Bye.
Sherry: Hanging up now.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Um Pam, I have to let somebody go today. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Pam: Why did you put it off until Halloween?
Michael Scott: Because it's very scary stuff.
Pam: I think it's gonna put a damper on the party a little.
Michael Scott: You're worried about the party? There's a man's life at stake here.
Pam: So it's a man?
Michael Scott: No. Or woman. A human life. If you had to guess who it would be based on their job performance and who you think deserves to be fired, who would that be?
Pam: I just answer the phone.
Michael Scott: And sometimes you just let it go to voicemail.
Pam: ... Your costume is fantastic.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: What is that? What are you supposed to be?
Jim: I'm the three-hole punch version of Jim, 'cause you can have me either way, plain white Jim or three-hole punch.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Well, I looked through all the budgets and there is one department-
Oscar: Yes.
Angela: that has three people-
Oscar: Yeah.
Angela: doing the work that could be done by two.
Oscar: This is great. Oh.
Kevin: Yeah. Oh.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Who do you think it should be?
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, definitely.
Michael Scott: No, Jim brings in money.
Dwight K. Schrute: Phyllis?
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Stanley, Pam, Oscar, Meredith, Kevin, Angela.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because that has the least effect on morale.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: One of the warehouse guys.
Michael Scott: What? There is someone left off that list?
Dwight K. Schrute: Who? Who is he saying?
Michael Scott: [gasps] You're right. I didn't even think of him.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, Michael.
Michael Scott: Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. No. Not me. Not Dwight.
Michael Scott: I'm not saying that's what he said.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know that's what he said.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Those aren't chips and dip.
Pam: No, I made brownies. [Angela scoffs] What?
Angela: I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things.
Pam: I made brownies.
Angela: And I made cookies. Same category.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So, how did it go with Stanley? How did he take it?
Dwight K. Schrute: He wouldn't listen to me.
Michael Scott: Oh, come on.
Dwight K. Schrute: If you wanna fire him, you're gonna have to tell him yourself.
Michael Scott: I don't wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I'm certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big baleful eyes staring at me. Yikes.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: This is called leveraging an offer. Michael, can I talk to you for a moment?
Michael Scott: Oh, God.
Dwight K. Schrute: I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits, and a better title at Cumberland Mills.
Michael Scott: Fantastic.
Dwight K. Schrute: And I turned it down.
Michael Scott: What? That would have solved all my problems.
Dwight K. Schrute: Out of loyalty to this company.
Michael Scott: Oh, you idiot. Go.
Dwight K. Schrute: So I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.
Michael Scott: If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody.
Dwight K. Schrute: But then you wouldn't have me here.
Michael Scott: Big deal. Oh, it would have worked out so well.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal.
Michael Scott: [screaming] I'm gonna kill myself!
Jim: Wow.
Michael Scott: I'm going to kill myself and it's your fault!
Jim: That's an overreaction.
Michael Scott: Corporate is really breathing down my neck and they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month-
Jim: Is this you? Are you being you? Or is this Creed? Are you-
Michael Scott: I am- This is Creed.
Jim: Okay.
Michael Scott: I'm improvising. So just try to keep up. And I'm very angry.
Jim: Hold that thought.
Michael Scott: And I want- I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you for firing me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel, took about an hour. Why do you ask?

Quote from Michael Scott

Devon: Creed's an idiot. You know that.
Michael Scott: Well, he-
Devon: No, no, no, no, no, no. You had it right the first time.
Michael Scott: Well, maybe I did.
Devon: Exactly, you gotta go with your gut, man.
Michael Scott: [sighs] No, I can't- No, I can't go back. I would look like an idiot.
Devon: That's why I'm being fired? So you might not look like an idiot?
Michael Scott: No, it was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn and cutbacks, and-
Devon: God, this is unbelievable!
Michael Scott: I just hope that you and I can remain friends.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey, you know what would even be better? A soccer ball and cleats.
Kelly: Why is that?
Michael Scott: Bend It Like Beckham.
Kelly: Oh, like the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer?
Michael Scott: Yeah, that would be perfect.
Kelly: Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that.
Michael Scott: It'd be funny.
Kelly: I don't really play soccer or anything.
Michael Scott: Well, I don't really have two heads.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I love Halloween. You know, it's just- But it's just fun. Every year, it's just fun. Last Halloween, I came as Janet Jackson's boob. [laughs] It was topical. People got a big kick out of it. The year before that I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky, and before that I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year.


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