Robert: When I was a boy, there was an empty house just up the hill from my family's. It was rumored a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the devil. One day, a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with her infant child. That very night, Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound. [hisses] She walked to the nursery, and there, in baby's crib, was a snake wrapped around baby's neck, squeezing tighter and tighter.
Creed: Oh my goodness.
Robert: The crib was full of dirt. Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air. Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching toward baby. For they were mummies.
Kevin: No!
Robert: Amongst them was a man, tall, slim.
Meredith: Jim. [rolls eyes]
Robert: Almost instinctively, she turned to her husband. "Oh, wait," she thought, "I don't have a husband." For Lydia and her husband had had an argument, one they couldn't get past. Each night, they slept one inch farther apart, until one night, Lydia left. It was about this time she lost herself in imaginary worlds. She had quit the book club, the choir, citing something about their high expectations. Her lips slowly grew together from disuse. Every time she wanted to act and didn't, another part of her face hardened, until it was stone. And that fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, threw open the door, "Baby, are you okay?" Baby sat up slowly, turned to mother and said, "I'm fine, bitch. I'm fine."
Bert: [laughs]

Robert: Looks terribly real, doesn't it, Creed?
Creed: No...
Robert: Are you scared of snakes?
Creed: You don't live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes, Bobby.

Robert: Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It's funny, isn't it, we take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear.

Pam: [answering phone] Pam Halpert.
Jim: Hey, it's Jim Halpert. I was wondering if you wanted to see a movie tonight. Because I've read a lot about this really great documentary.
Pam: Is it called Ghostbusters?
Jim: [laughs] It's called Ghostbusters.
Pam: It didn't look like that.
Jim: It didn't have a buster sign around him? Why don't you draw him? Why don't we see this whole thing?
Pam: Okay, fine I'll draw him.
Jim: I ain't afraid of no ghost. [Pam holds up drawing of a hand with the middle finger raised] Whoa!

Robert: What are we talking about?
Jim: I was talking about my wife and how she believes in ghosts. And then we had a little debate and Meredith said she believes in them too.
Robert: You seem unimpressed. Ghosts don't scare you?
Kevin: I'm only scared of real things like serial killers and kidnappers. Not things that don't exist like ghosts or mummies.
Oscar: Mummies are real. There are mummies at museums.
Kevin: Yeah [nervously]...prank
Robert: It's true. They've been preserved for thousands of years. They're all over.
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: [screaming] Why on earth would a museum put a mummy in it?

Oscar: Where is this from? That is so upsetting!
Andy: That was awful. Robert, I apologize.
Erin: I'm sorry. I got confused. I heard you wanted to make the party more adult. But I think I know what to do now. This game is called "Pecker Poker". [fighting tears] It's the game of cards that gets you hard.

Kelly: This is ridiculous! Why can't there just be two Kate Middleton's?
Andy: Guys, I know. I mean, I wish there could be, too. It's like, I can't choose. They're both amazing. It's just...
Kelly: Look, I stayed up all night and I watched that GD wedding, and then I came to work and I made everyone else watch it all day. Meredith wasn't even here.
Meredith: Because I was there. [playing video on cell phone, shouting in Cockney accent] You're the people's princess! Diana was nothing!
Andy: I thought you were at your sister's funeral.
Meredith: What I said was, "My sister's funeral is this weekend." Didn't say I'd be there.
[aside to camera:]
Meredith: Why is it such a shock that I follow the royal story? Warms my heart, thinking about them two kids, doing it.

Robert: Now then, how are we today?
Kelly: Fine.
Toby: Great.
Robert: Just fine, Kelly? Everything alright?
Kelly: Mmm-hm.
Robert: You feeling fulfilled in your life?
Kelly: I guess.
Robert: You guess? So, there is something you want that... you do not have.
Kelly: I try not to think about it.
Robert: Because it's too terrifying to imagine? Now we're cooking. What is it, Kelly? What is this great fear of yours?
Kelly: Never marrying.
Robert: Yes. Dying alone, that is very scary. And how are you, Toby?
Toby: So great.

Andy: What we have here is a classic misunderstanding.
Robert: Why didn't you simply ask Andy to clarify? Asking is a very easy thing to do. You're obviously very close. [Andy and Erin look awkwardly at each other and Robert]. Oh, I see. This no longer seems like my business [Robert sits down]
Erin: Um. All I know is you wanted to have a talk with me at the end of the day and I got nervous so...
Robert: You were going to talk at the end of the... I'm not here.
Andy: Did you think I was going to fire you? No, I wasn't. [to Robert] I'm sorry this must be really uncomfortable for you.
Robert: I'm never uncomfortable.

Andy: Ok. Erin, I think you know I've been dating someone.
Erin: Sure.
Andy: And it's getting a little more serious. She's never come by.
Erin: And she's never called here. Unless it's your mom.
Andy: No, I didn't want her to call because I thought it would be weird. But now it's weird that she's not calling.
Erin: Two dates? Three dates?
Andy: Thirty-one.
Erin: Wow. I'm so happy for you guys. Um, let me know when you get to forty. I'll see you guys.
Robert: I should go.