817. Test the Store
Aired March 1, 2012
In Florida, the special project team works on the grand opening of the inaugural Sabre test store as Dwight awaits news on whether he's got the vice president job. Back in Scranton, Toby leads a self-defense class after Andy and Pam are attacked by a gang.
Quote from Jim
Jim: I'm really sorry. Is there anything I can do, maybe pretend to be Chuck?
Dwight K. Schrute: You could have pretended to be Chuck. I begged you to pretend to be Chuck, but you chose to be yourself, and you can no longer be Chuck! Surrender the tripack. You know what you have to do.
Quote from Nellie
Nellie: Test launch day, people. Now, I would like to fill you in on a little secret about me to inspire you today. Now, I know you probably all think I'm this patrician goddess. But here's the truth. I was born in the little working-class town of Basildon, and until the age of 32, [in an Essex accent] I talked like this, which was bloody horrendous, innit? I came from dirt. No lower than... What's lower than dirt?
Dwight K. Schrute: Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core.
Nellie: Yeah, thank you. Loam. Bloody loam, I came from. I hit rock bottom when I auditioned for the Spice Girls. [emotional] I didn't even get a callback.
Jim: Which Spice Girl?
Nellie: The black one. I never stood a chance.
Quote from Kelly
Kelly: Will someone please explain what's going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed, it's like my life is buffering.
Quote from Jim
Jim: Time. Space. Gender. [Dwight mouthing words] There are no rules anymore. All boundaries are breaking down in the wake of the infinite future. The only thing that- The only thing that remains- The only thing that remains are the things that have stood the test of time: love, values, and of course, the pyramids. The strongest shape ever constructed, a shape that fits all other shapes inside of it. [softly] No, that's-
Dwight K. Schrute: It's true.
Jim: This is the future, because this is the past. I've been through a lot of issues in my life. I've seen drug addiction, unemployment. I've been in a relationship that tore my heart apart, without ever being able to accept that love drove the pain. [scattered applause]
Dwight K. Schrute: Yep.
Jim: When I was ten years old, my parents took me to Disney World. I cried the whole time. I was not able to comprehend the beauty that was before me. I just wanted to go home. This is what the Pyramid will do for you. It is the bridge to the world. It has a USB port. Wireless... will be available in 2013. You can play anything from Chuck to Cars 2. With the Pyramid, you have the connection to everything... in time and space.
Dwight K. Schrute: Psst.
Ryan: [video on Pyramid] Sabre. It's time to come home.
Quote from Andy
Andy: You know why I got hit by girls? Because I stood up for others. Pam and for Toby. I stepped in and I didn't care that I was standing up to girls. You may wanna ask yourselves, "Where were you when the girls came?"
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of pain killers, drank a half a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good!
Quote from Meredith
Darryl: Andy, who punched you?
Meredith: Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?
Angela: Black eye, Meredith.
Quote from Erin
Erin: Uh, yeah. I already bought my Pyramid, but I don't want to leave yet. I haven't had so much fun since seeing... Zoo-ee Desh-Channel at the Couch-Arilla music festival. So fun.
Quote from Nellie
Nellie: I want to create a sense of wonder and enthusiasm as if, at the end of E.T., candy poured out of the screen. Do you understand? I wanna get goose pimples.
Quote from Kevin
Toby: Okay, this isn't over. Let's stay focused, okay? We made fun of Andy earlier for getting beat up by a little girl, but little things can be dangerous.
Kevin: Whether it's a Gremlin or Chucky the doll. The key is to throw it in something. Like a fireplace, or a tub of electricity.
Toby: Okay. Good point.
Angela: Good point? What is a tub of electricity?
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute
Dwight K. Schrute: [to camera] Today is the test launch day for the inaugural Sabre store. [imitates trumpet] And I, Dwight Schrute, am in charge of the entire operation. If I can prove myself today and the store is a hit with the media and Nellie sees this, the vice presidency is mine.
Ryan: Are you holding this chair?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Ryan: ‘cause I feel like I'm gonna fall off.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. Yes.
Ryan: I'm not wearing the right shoes for this.
Dwight K. Schrute: We went over this, okay? Your tiny fingers make the best knots.