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40Quotes from ‘Business School’

The Office: Business School

317. Business School

Aired February 15, 2007

Michael gives a speech to Ryan's business school class. Meanwhile, Dwight worries about Jim when a bat is loose at the office, and Pam showcases her art at a gallery.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: And I'd like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone's textbook, please? [A student hands Michael his text book] Thank you. What have we here? Ooh, economics. Very, very interesting. [rips pages out of the textbook] You cannot learn from books. [still ripping] Replace these pages with life lessons, and then you will have a book that is worth its weight in gold. I know, those are expensive, but the lesson is priceless. Good. All right, I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business, tourism, food service, railroads and sales. And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yeah, sure. You know business. Sitting up here in your ivory tower and your ebony tower. Well, you know what? I tell you one thing, Dunder Mifflin is here to stay!
Student: But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain?
Michael Scott: David will always beat Goliath!
Student #2: But there's five Goliaths. There's Staples, OfficeMax-
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda. Global warming. Sex predators. Mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we're learning in business school?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students, and then, like, 12 other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. Really ruined eighth grade for us.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: What is the most inspiring thing I ever said to you?
Dwight K. Schrute: "Don't be an idiot." Changed my life.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: If a vampire bat was in the U.S. It would make sense for it to come to a "Sylvania," like Pennsylvania. Now, that doesn't mean that Jim is gonna become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Animal Control will be here at 6:00.
Dwight K. Schrute: At 6:00? No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim. You are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership!
Jim: I'm sorry, what'd you say? So weird.
Dwight K. Schrute: What? What's so weird?
Jim: The bat I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look, there's no mark. I feel so tingly, so strangely powerful. Oh, well.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pamcasso! Sorry I'm late. I had to race across town.
Pam: Oh, Michael.
Michael Scott: Wow! You did these? Freehand?
Pam: Yep.
Michael Scott: My God, these could be tracings. Oh, look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. How much?
Pam: What do you mean?
Michael Scott: I don't see a price.
Pam: Um. You want to buy it?
Michael Scott: Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there's my window. And there's my car! Is that your car?
Pam: Uh-huh.
Michael Scott: That is our building. And we sell paper. I am really proud of you.
[Pam hugs Michael]
Pam: Thank you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So, you want to start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply, you need something to sell. Now, this could be anything. It could be a thingamajig or a who's- he-what's- he or a Whatchamacallit. [throws a candy bar of the same name] Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay. [and again] And if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 GRAND. [and again] Satisfied? [holds up a Snickers bar]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, we can do questions. Okay, very good. First hand up.
Student: Sir, as a company that primarily distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?
Michael Scott: We can't overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny e-mails, but real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. [the students all start typing on their computers]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Will they throw their hats, you think?
Ryan: What?
Michael Scott: A lot of times, at a school or naval academy, after a rousing speech the crowd will throw its hats high into the air.
Ryan: You understand, nobody's graduating.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know. I know. I'm just saying, if they did throw their hats, I've got a great line for that. May your hats fly as high your dreams! That was a pretty good line.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Campus. Brings back so many memories that I would have made.

Quote from Ryan

Michael Scott: Okay. This is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now.
Ryan: Dunder Mifflin can't compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling or unable to adapt.
Their customers are dying off-
Michael Scott: I can't hear what he's saying, but he looks like he's really into it.

Quote from Angela

[individually, to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: We have a bat in the office.
Toby: Simple solution would be to open a window, if we had windows that could open.
Angela: Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Ow!
Karen: What happened?
Jim: That bread on your desk. I just picked it up. It's white hot.
Karen: But, Jim, this garlic bread is cold.
Jim: What? No, it burned me, I- Bizarre.

Quote from Toby

Toby: This looks great. I'd love to be there, but my daughter's play is tonight. Damn it! You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it. So...
Pam: Oh, no, you should go.
Toby: Well, it's important to support local art. You know? And what they do is not art.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, I'm seeing some confused faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit, break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies-

Quote from Jim

Karen: Hey, Jim, here's the aspirin you wanted.
Jim: Oh, thank God. I've such a headache from that glare.
Karen: What glare?
Jim: The glare off Angela's crucifix. It's blinding.

Quote from Creed

Dwight K. Schrute: Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. Will you form an allegiance-
Creed: Sure.
Dwight K. Schrute: to use sudden violence?
Creed: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?
Creed: What size?

Quote from Michael Scott

Student: What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain?
Michael Scott: I say, "You will miss our service and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back."
Student: Has anyone ever come back?
Michael Scott: We don't want them back. They're stupid.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: What are you doing? You better not hurt that little bat.
Creed: Animals can't feel pain.
Kelly: Don't hurt that bat, Creed! It's a living thing with feelings and a family!
Dwight K. Schrute: Flush him towards the door. On my go! Now!
[The bat flies out of the room]
Kelly: Bat! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!

Quote from Michael Scott

Student #2: But in the big picture, you have-
Michael Scott: Dunder Mifflin is the big picture! Can't you understand that? No, you can't, you're too young. Ryan has never made a sale. And he started a fire, trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease. Well, you know what? He doesn't know anything and neither do you. So, suck on that!

Quote from Creed

Meredith: I really want to come out!
Creed: Good night, Mary Beth!

Quote from Jim

Jim: So, you're cool to just wait here for Animal Control?
Dwight K. Schrute: Animal Control? I've been controlling animals since I was six.
Jim: Cool. Okay. I'm gonna go home and lie down, draw the shades. There's just so much sun in here. Bye, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Goodbye, Jim. And good luck.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Jim is on a path now, an eternal journey, and I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. Specifically, in the kitchen.

Quote from Michael Scott

Ryan: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation. And, of course I was wrong to suggest that Dunder Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don't have to fire me.
Michael Scott: Fire you? No, no, no. You are moving to the annex.
Ryan: To the annex? Where Kelly is?
Michael Scott: A good manager doesn't fire people. He hires people and inspires people. People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business.

Quote from Michael Scott

[As Pam hugs Michael:]
Pam: Do you have something in your pocket?
Michael Scott: A Chunky. [removing candy bar] Do you want half?
Pam: No, thank you.
Michael Scott: Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It is a message. It is an inspiration. It is a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless you had a camera.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Ryan: It's only temporary, okay? Don't get excited.
Kelly: I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't! I won't! I won't! I won't! I won't! I won't! I won't!

Quote from Kevin

Michael Scott: Oh, hey, Kevin. Nice of you to join us. Where were you?
Kevin: My tire blew out on the way here, Michael. I almost died. I went into this skid-
Michael Scott: Pop quiz.
Kevin: What?
Michael Scott: Why is today a special day?
Kevin: I almost died.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today is a special day because I am being honored as a visiting professor. Special lecturer? Emeritus, how did you put it?
Ryan: You will be a guest speaker in my Emerging Enterprises class.
Michael Scott: In business school, Kevin. Business school.
Kevin: Wow.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full-letter grade. So, I'd be stupid not to do it, right?

Quote from Pam

Pam: I'm really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity, maturity and dignity. Is that braggy? I don't mean it to be braggy.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Pam's with Roy, I'm with Karen, and Brangelina is with Frangelina. Moving on!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, my God. Animal stool.
Pam: Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Solving a mystery, if that's quite all right with you! Come to papa! Okay, ladies and gentlemen. What we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately, I have found it before- Bat!

Quote from Michael Scott

Student: How far has your Herfindahl Index declined since the merger?
Michael Scott: Nice try. How's your Polack-says-what Index?
Student: What?
Michael Scott: Thanks, Kowalski.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I am a hero.

Quote from Michael Scott

Ryan: It wasn't personal.
Michael Scott: Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things.
Ryan: Pack my-
Michael Scott: You heard me. Pack your things.

Quote from Pam

Pam: And it's all from the same series.
Elderly Woman: Oh.
Pam: Called Impressions.
Elderly Woman: Oh.
Pam: Not that I would call myself an impressionist per se.
Elderly Woman: But maybe one day.
Pam: I hope so.
Elderly Woman: Mmm.
Pam: I still need, you know, my breakthrough or whatever.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: You're the one who said we needed more culture.
Gil: This is culture to you?
Oscar: It's her first try.
Gil: Yeah. On Van Gogh's first try, he drew the hands of the peasants.
Oscar: Meaning what?
Gil: Meaning real art takes courage, okay, and honesty.
Pam: Well, those aren't Pam's strong points.
Gil: Yeah, exactly. That's why this is motel art.


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