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‘Business School’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Office: Business School

317. Business School

Aired February 15, 2007

Michael gives a speech to Ryan's business school class. Meanwhile, Dwight worries about Jim when a bat is loose at the office, and Pam showcases her art at a gallery.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: And I'd like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone's textbook, please? [A student hands Michael his text book] Thank you. What have we here? Ooh, economics. Very, very interesting. [rips pages out of the textbook] You cannot learn from books. [still ripping] Replace these pages with life lessons, and then you will have a book that is worth its weight in gold. I know, those are expensive, but the lesson is priceless. Good. All right, I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business, tourism, food service, railroads and sales. And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.

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Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yeah, sure. You know business. Sitting up here in your ivory tower and your ebony tower. Well, you know what? I tell you one thing, Dunder Mifflin is here to stay!
Student: But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain?
Michael Scott: David will always beat Goliath!
Student #2: But there's five Goliaths. There's Staples, OfficeMax-
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we're learning in business school?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students, and then, like, 12 other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. Really ruined eighth grade for us.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: What is the most inspiring thing I ever said to you?
Dwight K. Schrute: "Don't be an idiot." Changed my life.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: If a vampire bat was in the U.S. It would make sense for it to come to a "Sylvania," like Pennsylvania. Now, that doesn't mean that Jim is gonna become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Animal Control will be here at 6:00.
Dwight K. Schrute: At 6:00? No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim. You are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership!
Jim: I'm sorry, what'd you say? So weird.
Dwight K. Schrute: What? What's so weird?
Jim: The bat I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look, there's no mark. I feel so tingly, so strangely powerful. Oh, well.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pamcasso! Sorry I'm late. I had to race across town.
Pam: Oh, Michael.
Michael Scott: Wow! You did these? Freehand?
Pam: Yep.
Michael Scott: My God, these could be tracings. Oh, look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. How much?
Pam: What do you mean?
Michael Scott: I don't see a price.
Pam: Um. You want to buy it?
Michael Scott: Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there's my window. And there's my car! Is that your car?
Pam: Uh-huh.
Michael Scott: That is our building. And we sell paper. I am really proud of you.
[Pam hugs Michael]
Pam: Thank you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So, you want to start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply, you need something to sell. Now, this could be anything. It could be a thingamajig or a who's- he-what's- he or a Whatchamacallit. [throws a candy bar of the same name] Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay. [and again] And if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 GRAND. [and again] Satisfied? [holds up a Snickers bar]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, we can do questions. Okay, very good. First hand up.
Student: Sir, as a company that primarily distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?
Michael Scott: We can't overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny e-mails, but real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. [the students all start typing on their computers]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, I'm seeing some confused faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit, break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies-

Quote from Creed

Dwight K. Schrute: Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. Will you form an allegiance-
Creed: Sure.
Dwight K. Schrute: to use sudden violence?
Creed: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?
Creed: What size?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Will they throw their hats, you think?
Ryan: What?
Michael Scott: A lot of times, at a school or naval academy, after a rousing speech the crowd will throw its hats high into the air.
Ryan: You understand, nobody's graduating.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know. I know. I'm just saying, if they did throw their hats, I've got a great line for that. May your hats fly as high your dreams! That was a pretty good line.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Campus. Brings back so many memories that I would have made.

Quote from Ryan

Michael Scott: Okay. This is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now.
Ryan: Dunder Mifflin can't compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling or unable to adapt.
Their customers are dying off-
Michael Scott: I can't hear what he's saying, but he looks like he's really into it.

Quote from Angela

[individually, to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: We have a bat in the office.
Toby: Simple solution would be to open a window, if we had windows that could open.
Angela: Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Ow!
Karen: What happened?
Jim: That bread on your desk. I just picked it up. It's white hot.
Karen: But, Jim, this garlic bread is cold.
Jim: What? No, it burned me, I- Bizarre.

Quote from Toby

Toby: This looks great. I'd love to be there, but my daughter's play is tonight. Damn it! You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it. So...
Pam: Oh, no, you should go.
Toby: Well, it's important to support local art. You know? And what they do is not art.

Quote from Jim

Karen: Hey, Jim, here's the aspirin you wanted.
Jim: Oh, thank God. I've such a headache from that glare.
Karen: What glare?
Jim: The glare off Angela's crucifix. It's blinding.

Quote from Michael Scott

Student: What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain?
Michael Scott: I say, "You will miss our service and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back."
Student: Has anyone ever come back?
Michael Scott: We don't want them back. They're stupid.

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