Previous Episode Next Episode 

40Quotes from ‘Company Picnic’

The Office: Company Picnic

528. Company Picnic

Aired May 14, 2009

At the annual Dunder Mifflin company picnic, Michael gets to spend time with Holly, while the employees play in a volleyball tournament.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm gonna say 30.
Rolph: Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good point, but, thought of that already. Combination SPF/repellent.
Rolph: Woah. Homemade?
Dwight K. Schrute: Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET?
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I usually don't enjoy the theater, but this is delightful.

Quote from Jim

Erin: [answering phones, whispering] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin. He's not available right now. Uh huh, yes, sure, I'll give him the message when he gets up- Gets back.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that, Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and- Let me be more specific. Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken potpie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep, so we're all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5:00 pm, which, actually, should be in about [changing the clock] ten minutes.

Quote from Holly

Michael Scott: Well, in his infinite wisdom, David Wallace has authorized us to put on a little presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin.
Holly: Yep, the old comedy team is back together again.
Michael Scott: That's right.
Holly: [in a New York accent] Have ya hoid the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it!
Michael Scott: Newspapers for sale!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: [whispering] Okay, I'm gonna go in there and change the computer. Are you sure you can change his watch?
Pam: [whispering] I can do it.
Dwight K. Schrute: [whispering] What do you need from me?
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Normally I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. [laughs] No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The- And the reason is- Because... in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.

Quote from Creed

Pam: Hey, Charles.
Charles: Nice day, huh?
Jim: Yeah.
Charles: Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest.
Jim: I don't get it. He's not even my boss anymore.
Pam: Do you want me to beat him up for you?
Jim: No, I shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Listen up everyone! I've gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jim's whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right?
Jim: Well, I could've died, so... I looked it up online afterwards.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [yelling at Erin] Are you blind?! Are you blind?! [turns to a man playing on Erin's team] Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I'm concerned you might be in danger.
Man: These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass.
Andy: Okay, I was just looking out for you. [to Erin] You're doing great, by the way.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Kevin: I got it. [Kevin misses]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh! Oh, Kevin! Come on!
Andy: Are you blind?!
Dwight K. Schrute: I could've gotten that, idiot!
Andy: Can you see things with your eyeballs?!
Dwight K. Schrute: It's not a sledgehammer!

Quote from Angela

Angela: I can play.
Rolph: Is there a... Meredith here?
Meredith: Yeah! Man in!
Angela: Rolph, did you not hear me?
Rolph: I don't hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend's heart. Let's go!

Quote from Holly

Michael Scott: We could do a movie... sort of thing.
Holly: [gasps] We could do Back to the Future.
Michael Scott: Oh!
Holly: We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time to fix their parents.
Michael Scott: Could we get a Delorean?
Holly: Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community.
Michael Scott: Oh! [to the theme of "Jaws"] Dun-der. Dun-der...
Holly: Dun-der. Dun-der...
Michael Scott: Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!!
Holly: Oh... We haven't found our great idea yet.
Michael Scott: No. No.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

David: Nicely done. We're still going to crush you though!
Charles: Yes we are!
Rolph: You suckers are goin' down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, Rolph! Whoa.
Rolph: It's true!

Quote from Holly

Michael Scott: And now, presenting...
Both: SlumDunder Mifflinaire! [laughter]
Michael Scott: [imitates Who Wants To Be a Millionaire theme music]
Holly: Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire?
Michael Scott: Yes, I am.
Holly: For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A.) On easy street, B.) a tour of Dartmouth College, C.) they never met, D.) brushing their teeth?
Michael Scott: Oh, I'm thinking... I'm going to say... B, tour of Dartmouth College.
Holly: That is correct! ["torturing" Michael] How did you know that?!
Michael Scott: Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!!

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: Nice campus. Think you'll get in?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm definitely getting in. I'm a shoo-in.
Holly: I'm Robert Dunder.
Michael Scott: I'm Robert Mifflin. Ah, okay.
Holly: [somberly] Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, which over nine million Americans suffer from and is very treatable. For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did he kill himself? A.) A rope, B.) a knife, C.) a gun, D.) brushing his teeth!
Michael Scott: Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I've ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a gun. He shot himself in the head.
Holly: That is correct!
Michael Scott: Yes!

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: The economic downturn has been difficult recently, forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers, to be followed soon by what other branch? For five-hundred thousand dollars, is it A.) Scranton, B.) Buffalo, C.) Utica, or D.) toothbrush!
Michael Scott: I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer!
Holly: That is correct!
Man from Buffalo: What is he talking about? It's gotta be a joke.
Holly: [pretends to bite off Michael's fingers, Michael screams] How did you know that?!
Michael Scott: David Wallace told me!
Woman from Buffalo: David, is this true?
David: Uh, okay everyone, we're at a picnic today...
Man from Buffalo: Are we losing our jobs or not, David?
Holly: They didn't know?
Michael Scott: [whispers] I guess not.

Quote from David

David: I'm sorry, this certainly wasn't the time or the place to announce this sort of thing, but there have been talks about closing the Buffalo branch.
Woman from Buffalo: And?
David: We're- We're closing the Buffalo branch.
Man from Buffalo: [over shouts of protest] You've got to be kidding me! You've got to be kidding me! We're the best branch in the company! I can't believe it.
[Michael and Holly bow]

Quote from Michael Scott

David: How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic?
Michael Scott: Well... I didn't know they didn't know.
David: What about the fact that they're here today? What about that? That didn't throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, "Oh, this would be really funny."
Michael Scott: Thank you.
David: Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, "Is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?"
Michael Scott: Well, he's just thinking about his own gifts.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Kevin: It's six to six. It's a nail-biter. [ball hits Kevin]
Angela: Kevin! Now it's seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you?
Rolph: Here's an accounting question for you: What does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer: One whore.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, knock it off, Rolph.
Rolph: What? She is sitting there, casting aspersions-
Dwight K. Schrute: Rolph, please. I am asking nicely-
Rolph: No way! You don't mean that!
Dwight K. Schrute: Rolph, leave it alone!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody. And it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

David: Dwight, come on now, it's time to put in the subs.
Charles: Yeah, it looks like Pam won't make it back. Okay?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Charles: All right! Come on.
Dwight K. Schrute: Except, you know what? It's not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four?
David: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, hear me out. Five? Six?
David: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Seven? Can I finish please?
David: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Eight?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [changing the clock in Michael's car] Like clockwork.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [wakes up, joins in with the laughter] Uh, oh. What's so funny?
Pam: You had to be there.
Michael Scott: Oh yay! Geography joke.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Oh, don't get us wrong, we like picnics.
Jim: Come on, who doesn't like a picnic?
Pam: Tell them what happened last year.
Jim: I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt.
Pam: No, no, the guy who hit on me.
Jim: Oh, right, some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance.
Pam: Yeah, you don't grab these for balance.
Jim: Well...

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: Michael, isn't that Holly?
Michael Scott: We're just friends. [approaches Holly and A.J.] Hey, hey, wait a second. Who let you in here, is what I want to know.
Holly: Oh no, I see they're letting just anybody in here.
Michael Scott: Mmhmm. Yeah, that's right.
Holly: All right.
Michael Scott: All right. Mmhmm. [both laugh and hug]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless.
Holly: Lemonade sounds great.
Michael Scott: Okay.
A.J.: I'd love an iced tea, actually.
Michael Scott: You can go to hell. [laughs] I'm kidding. Um, sure, I will get you the best iced tea in the world.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Erin, back row. Ryan, you move up a row!
Andy: Bro-migo, you think you could put Erin on my row?
Dwight K. Schrute: Why? I don't understand.
Andy: If-
Dwight K. Schrute: Woah, woah, woah. W-w-wait a minute. I get it. You want her to set you up so you can spike it.
Andy: Uh... [laughs sheepishly]
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll tell you what, I'm gonna do you one better. I'm gonna put you next to Phyllis. She is the best setter on the team.
Andy: That's-
Dwight K. Schrute: Sly dog.
Andy: -not what I meant.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What is up with you two, Holly?
Holly: Um, not much.
A.J.: We're designing a house.
Michael Scott: Cool. For who?
A.J.: For us.
Michael Scott: Wow! I'm designing a chair. It's part of your pants. You sit down, you're supported.
Holly: I remember your chair pants idea. [laughs]
A.J.: I like that. Put me down for a pair. I'm a size 34 waist.
Michael Scott: All right, fatty. I will do it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, Pam, how ya doin? Hey, do you know if you're right-handed or left-handed? Or do you even know? What hand do you use to answer the phone?

Quote from Pam

Pam: Maybe I played a little in junior high. And in high school. Maybe a little in college. And went to volleyball camp most summers.

Quote from Stanley

Dwight K. Schrute: Yes! We advance to the next round!
Phyllis: Oh, Lord in heaven.
Stanley: [to Phyllis] Had to be part of the group. [laughs]

Quote from Holly

Michael Scott: I brought some snacky snacks, in case we get hungry.
Holly: Ooh, yes please. Mmm. So what do you have planned for us today? Hmm?
Michael Scott: What?
Holly: Do you have a script for the sketch, or...
Michael Scott: Um, no, I just thought we'd wing it. That cool?
Holly: Crystal cool.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Ow, my ankle!
Dwight K. Schrute: What happened?
Phyllis: I... twisted it.
Dwight K. Schrute: You weren't even moving.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Ah, this reminds me of the HR convention last fall.
Kendall: Oh yeah, with Bernie and Efrem. That was hilarious.
Toby: Really, really funny.
Kendall: Really funny.

Quote from David

David: Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic, everybody. Thanks for being here. Now, a couple of employees have volunteered to entertain us with a song.
Michael Scott: [shouting] Uh, it's a sketch now.
David: Okay, introducing Scranton's Michael Scott performing with Nashua's Holly Flax! I have not seen this.

Quote from Oscar

Meredith: Maybe we shouldn't play due to the circumstances.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever.
Pam: How do you figure?
Dwight K. Schrute: Because if we don't play, then the other team wins.
Oscar: Dwight's right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Charles: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you wanna get that looked at.
Pam: No, no, it's fine. Just gimme a second.
Charles: I don't know. You know, this is a company picnic, so technically that is a company injury, you know? Safest thing to do is get that examined, right David?
David: Yeah.
Jim: All right, you know what? You're just trying to get rid of our best player.
Charles: Oh, Jim, you're putting a volleyball game in front of your fiance's health.
Jim: No, uh-
Pam: Look, seriously, I can move it fine. Come on, let's go, it's our ball. Let's go!
Charles: Yeah, I don't think we can let you play with that foot.
Dwight K. Schrute: [whispering] Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometers south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. I'll stall 'em.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Probably shouldn't have mentioned Buffalo.
Holly: Hindsight.
Michael Scott: Should've had hindsight.
Holly: How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing?
Michael Scott: I think it went well. I think it was good.
Holly: There weren't any laughs.
Michael Scott: No, it was a tough audience.
Holly: Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience.
Michael Scott: Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them.
Holly: Well, I'm glad we did it.
Michael Scott: Me too. [long pause] We have a lot of good material for next year's sketch.
Holly: I can't wait.

Quote from Pam

Nurse: To be safe, we should do an X-ray.
Pam: How long will that take?
Nurse: Oh, shouldn't be too bad, it's a slow day. So, no other radiation this year, no metal plates, no chance you're pregnant...
Pam: I'm sorry, can we just hurry this up? I've got a game to get back to.
Nurse: Oh good, because my next question was "do you have a game to get back to."

Quote from Jim

Jim: [on the phone] Oh, Dwight, we're so close! Just buy us a few more minutes. Well, they just called me in for an update, so I'll call you right back. Okay. Okay, great.
[Jim goes into the room with Pam and the doctor. After the doctor gives them the news, Pam smiles and Jim hugs her.]
Jim: [calling Dwight] Hey, Dwight. Uh, send in the subs! [laughs]


 Episode 527 Episode 601