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‘Company Picnic’ Quotes

The Office: Company Picnic

528. Company Picnic

Aired May 14, 2009

At the annual Dunder Mifflin company picnic, Michael gets to spend time with Holly, while the employees play in a volleyball tournament.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm gonna say 30.
Rolph: Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good point, but, thought of that already. Combination SPF/repellent.
Rolph: Woah. Homemade?
Dwight K. Schrute: Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET?
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.

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Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I usually don't enjoy the theater, but this is delightful.

Quote from Jim

Erin: [answering phones, whispering] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin. He's not available right now. Uh huh, yes, sure, I'll give him the message when he gets up- Gets back.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that, Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and- Let me be more specific. Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken potpie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep, so we're all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5:00 pm, which, actually, should be in about [changing the clock] ten minutes.

Quote from Holly

Michael Scott: Well, in his infinite wisdom, David Wallace has authorized us to put on a little presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin.
Holly: Yep, the old comedy team is back together again.
Michael Scott: That's right.
Holly: [in a New York accent] Have ya hoid the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it!
Michael Scott: Newspapers for sale!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: [whispering] Okay, I'm gonna go in there and change the computer. Are you sure you can change his watch?
Pam: [whispering] I can do it.
Dwight K. Schrute: [whispering] What do you need from me?
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Normally I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. [laughs] No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody. And it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The- And the reason is- Because... in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.

Quote from Creed

Pam: Hey, Charles.
Charles: Nice day, huh?
Jim: Yeah.
Charles: Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest.
Jim: I don't get it. He's not even my boss anymore.
Pam: Do you want me to beat him up for you?
Jim: No, I shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Listen up everyone! I've gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jim's whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right?
Jim: Well, I could've died, so... I looked it up online afterwards.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [yelling at Erin] Are you blind?! Are you blind?! [turns to a man playing on Erin's team] Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I'm concerned you might be in danger.
Man: These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass.
Andy: Okay, I was just looking out for you. [to Erin] You're doing great, by the way.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Kevin: I got it. [Kevin misses]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh! Oh, Kevin! Come on!
Andy: Are you blind?!
Dwight K. Schrute: I could've gotten that, idiot!
Andy: Can you see things with your eyeballs?!
Dwight K. Schrute: It's not a sledgehammer!

Quote from Angela

Angela: I can play.
Rolph: Is there a... Meredith here?
Meredith: Yeah! Man in!
Angela: Rolph, did you not hear me?
Rolph: I don't hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend's heart. Let's go!

Quote from Holly

Michael Scott: We could do a movie... sort of thing.
Holly: [gasps] We could do Back to the Future.
Michael Scott: Oh!
Holly: We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time to fix their parents.
Michael Scott: Could we get a Delorean?
Holly: Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community.
Michael Scott: Oh! [to the theme of "Jaws"] Dun-der. Dun-der...
Holly: Dun-der. Dun-der...
Michael Scott: Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!!
Holly: Oh... We haven't found our great idea yet.
Michael Scott: No. No.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

David: Nicely done. We're still going to crush you though!
Charles: Yes we are!
Rolph: You suckers are goin' down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, Rolph! Whoa.
Rolph: It's true!

Quote from Holly

Michael Scott: And now, presenting...
Both: SlumDunder Mifflinaire! [laughter]
Michael Scott: [imitates Who Wants To Be a Millionaire theme music]
Holly: Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire?
Michael Scott: Yes, I am.
Holly: For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A.) On easy street, B.) a tour of Dartmouth College, C.) they never met, D.) brushing their teeth?
Michael Scott: Oh, I'm thinking... I'm going to say... B, tour of Dartmouth College.
Holly: That is correct! ["torturing" Michael] How did you know that?!
Michael Scott: Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!!

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: Nice campus. Think you'll get in?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm definitely getting in. I'm a shoo-in.
Holly: I'm Robert Dunder.
Michael Scott: I'm Robert Mifflin. Ah, okay.
Holly: [somberly] Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, which over nine million Americans suffer from and is very treatable. For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did he kill himself? A.) A rope, B.) a knife, C.) a gun, D.) brushing his teeth!
Michael Scott: Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I've ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a gun. He shot himself in the head.
Holly: That is correct!
Michael Scott: Yes!

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: The economic downturn has been difficult recently, forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers, to be followed soon by what other branch? For five-hundred thousand dollars, is it A.) Scranton, B.) Buffalo, C.) Utica, or D.) toothbrush!
Michael Scott: I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer!
Holly: That is correct!
Man from Buffalo: What is he talking about? It's gotta be a joke.
Holly: [pretends to bite off Michael's fingers, Michael screams] How did you know that?!
Michael Scott: David Wallace told me!
Woman from Buffalo: David, is this true?
David: Uh, okay everyone, we're at a picnic today...
Man from Buffalo: Are we losing our jobs or not, David?
Holly: They didn't know?
Michael Scott: [whispers] I guess not.

Quote from David

David: I'm sorry, this certainly wasn't the time or the place to announce this sort of thing, but there have been talks about closing the Buffalo branch.
Woman from Buffalo: And?
David: We're- We're closing the Buffalo branch.
Man from Buffalo: [over shouts of protest] You've got to be kidding me! You've got to be kidding me! We're the best branch in the company! I can't believe it.
[Michael and Holly bow]

Quote from Michael Scott

David: How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic?
Michael Scott: Well... I didn't know they didn't know.
David: What about the fact that they're here today? What about that? That didn't throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, "Oh, this would be really funny."
Michael Scott: Thank you.
David: Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, "Is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?"
Michael Scott: Well, he's just thinking about his own gifts.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Kevin: It's six to six. It's a nail-biter. [ball hits Kevin]
Angela: Kevin! Now it's seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you?
Rolph: Here's an accounting question for you: What does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer: One whore.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, knock it off, Rolph.
Rolph: What? She is sitting there, casting aspersions-
Dwight K. Schrute: Rolph, please. I am asking nicely-
Rolph: No way! You don't mean that!
Dwight K. Schrute: Rolph, leave it alone!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

David: Dwight, come on now, it's time to put in the subs.
Charles: Yeah, it looks like Pam won't make it back. Okay?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Charles: All right! Come on.
Dwight K. Schrute: Except, you know what? It's not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four?
David: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, hear me out. Five? Six?
David: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Seven? Can I finish please?
David: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Eight?


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