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‘Garage Sale’ Quotes

The Office: Garage Sale

719. Garage Sale

Aired March 24, 2011

When the employees host a garage sale in the warehouse, Dwight tries to trade his way to the finest item there. Meanwhile, Michael makes some very big decisions about his relationship with Holly.

Quote from Kevin

Andy: Oh, my gosh. You have the Dallas board game?
Kevin: Yeah, when I was a kid I was on Dallas.
Andy: Really?
Kevin: Yeah. We missed our connecting flight and we spent the entire day on Dallas. Then we spent a week on Hawaii. I was on heaven.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Schrutes are farmers by hobby and traders by trade. Through the art of the swap, I will walk out of this garage sale with the finest item here.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: My mom makes the best pesto in the world. And I always tell her, "Mom, you should sell this, you'd make a fortune", and she always says, "No, it's just for family." Well, finally I was like [bleep] it, I'll sell it. So I'm like, "Mom, I need you to make a ton of pesto for a pesto party for all my friends", and she's like, "Uh, okay." Pesto party? Really? Anyway, she makes like a hundred bottles worth. It's so good. And Phyllis just had that mom look I wanted.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Things are going very well. I traded a thumb tack for Meredith's junk for Kelly's crap for Phyllis's garbage for Oscar's trash for Stanley's crap for Ryan's junk for Creed's garbage for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have.

Quote from Michael Scott

[The employees are all gathered in the kitchen holding candles]
Holly: Hi guys.
Michael Scott: This is where our love faces its toughest test. After this, its just smooth sailing for the rest of our lives.
Jim: Holly, will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Stanley: Marry me, Holly.
Holly: No.
Michael Scott: That guy's got more than he can handle as it is.
Oscar: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael Scott: That marriage would be a sham.
Gabe: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael Scott: Easy no.
Angela: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael Scott: That would be hot. I would pay to see that.
Ryan: Will you marry me, Holly?
Holly: No.
Michael Scott: Only one that I was kind of worried about.
[Michael opens the door to the annex, which is decked out with candles, especially Holly's desk]
Michael Scott: This is where I fell in love with you. And this is where I ask you to marry me. It started with.. [fire sprinklers go on, they both start laughing; as Yoda:] Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?
Holly: Your wife becoming me will I.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Hey guys, it's my turn.
Andy: You can't go. You're dead. I shot you 5 moves ago.
Kevin: Yeah, I told you, you can't shoot people.
Darryl: I told you we're way past rules. We have been for some time now. We start having rules now, everything we've built collapses.
Kevin: Well, this is stupid and I want my money back. Where's the money?
Darryl: Yeah, where is it?
Kevin: Okay, you know what? I am never ever playing board games with you two again.
[outside, to camera:]
Kevin: And that is Dallas. [shows money]

Quote from Oscar

Pam: Hey, Oscar, big Will and Grace fan huh?
Oscar: No. Everybody assumes I am. I always get them as gifts.
Pam: Oh.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: No. I am not going to be proposed to in the break room. That is not going to be our story. Mmm-hm. Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What the..?
Jim: Oh, my God.
Dwight K. Schrute: That- That's impossible.
Jim: It is, right? I mean, it's impossible.
Dwight K. Schrute: All right, I'll take them.
Jim: They're probably worthless.
Dwight K. Schrute: Probably. [walks away with beans]
Jim: Leave the telescope.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I started with a thumb tack and traded my way to a telescope. But in a way, the most valuable thing here wasn't the telescope at all. No, it was this packet of beans. So I traded the telescope for it. And I can just go buy another telescope.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: What is this?
Jim: How did those get out? I'm sorry.
Dwight K. Schrute: Professor Copperfield's Miracle Legumes?
Jim: I was in Jamaica and I got lost. And it was getting dark this one night, and then out of nowhere, this guy comes with a cart and he's selling these. Dwight, he told me things about myself that there's no way he could have known.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a common swindlers trick.
Jim: Probably. Probably. So I buy some, I turn the corner, I feel like an idiot, so I go back to get my money, he was gone.
Dwight K. Schrute: So you wanna sell me magic beans? [laughs]
Jim: Correction. I do not want to sell you Professor Copperfield's Miracle Legumes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Nice try. No, correction. Terrible try.

Quote from Ryan

Oscar: What? Ryan, where did you get this picture?
[aside to camera:]
Ryan: My mom also makes the best salsa.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Wanna know how to do it? Here's how you do it. Take her out to dinner. Go down on one knee. If you are in costume, you did something wrong. If at any point you find yourself tying a ring to a dog's collar, stop and look at yourself.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Here's the ring.
Pam: Holy [bleep] is that real?
Michael Scott: Yeah. They say, "Three years' salary".
Oscar: No.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Dunder Mifflin is having our first own garage sale. Like many Americans, we realized we had a lot of things that we really didn't need. And 10 cents of every dollar is going into the party fund so we can throw parties for ourselves.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Yes, hello Mr. Flax this is Michael Scott, your daughter's boss. I am calling because I am going to have to fire your daughter Holly because she is such a terrible employee. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm actually calling because I'm in love with her. I love your daughter, and I have for some time. And I would like to discuss my intentions with you... which are to ask her to marry me. And I was just hoping you would give me your approval. And this isn't a joke. So call me back, when you get this. And I look forward to speaking. Thank you.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Kelly: Are you serious? A half used candle? Get out of here Dwight. You're blocking my table with your giant body.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, cause there's a huge line of people waiting in line who want your spinster tchotchkes.
Kelly: Screw you man. People like my stuff.
Dwight K. Schrute: People like Ryan? Let me tell you about men like him. He comes over and you're like "Hey baby, let me light a candle" then you pull out this one half used and he's like "Uh! Who else is she seeing? I better lock her down fast."
Kelly: You can take my Helen Fielding collection.
Dwight K. Schrute: And the Jennifer Weiner collection.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Michael! Michael!
Michael Scott: Hi.
Pam: Hi.. I just came out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you.
Michael Scott: Oh, you know what, do you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.
Pam: Why do you need more gas?
Michael Scott: Well, I'm writing a message.
Pam: Is it a good message or a bad message?
Michael Scott: I'm asking Holly a question in fire.
Pam: Are you proposing!?
Michael Scott: Maybe.
Pam: Wow.
Michael Scott: Hey you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?
Pam: Yeah. Yeah, no problem. [runs away with the gas can and lighter]

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: Could you light this please?
Pam: Michael, you've had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible.
Michael Scott: I am not in the mood for riddles, Pam.
Pam: This is terrible.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You got this kosher certified?
Ryan: No. I meant like, uh, it's cool, its kosher, it's all good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ryan, you have such an interesting mind. So creative. All these new business ideas and artistic projects. [laughs]
Ryan: Thank you. What you got there?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, its just Stanley's old photo album. I'm thinking about throwing it in the garbage. I mean, why would I want some random black mans old photo album on my bookshelf. I'm not James Franco.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [in a Texan accent] Hmm, I'm gonna play me a little ol' black mail card .
Kevin: Nice.
Andy: And call a proxy meeting to take control of Ewing Oil once and for all.
Kevin: No, you can't do that. You can't play a black mail card and call a proxy meeting in the same turn.
Andy: Why not? Seems to me we're just making up rules cause somebody forgot to staple the rulebook to the inside of the game like a normal human being.
Darryl: [also in a Texan accent] And I'm gonna play this here, "Share the wealth" card.
Andy: Oooh.
Darryl: Which entitles me to half of both of y'alls money, so if you don't mind...
Kevin: No, this card is from the wrong game. This is from "The Game of Life".
Darryl: It was in the box.
Andy: Well played.
Darryl: Thank you.
Andy: We must honorably adhere to the rules we are making up on the spot.
Kevin: No, but that's not fair.
Andy: Well that's Dallas.
Darryl: Dallas indeed.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: That's so awesome!
Pam: Congratulations!
Jim: Congratulations!
Michael Scott: Thank you. So guys, guys, guys. We're moving to Colorado.
Kevin: All of us?
Michael Scott: Yep.
Jim: Wait, what?
Michael Scott: Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So this is one of my favorite places in the world.
Holly: Why?
Michael Scott: This is where Toby announced that he was going to Costa Rica. It was the happiest day of my life. Until the day you came to replace him. Let's go in here.
Michael Scott: This is where we first kissed.
Holly: I remember.
Michael Scott: And this is where we first made love. You remember what I tried there?
Holly: Michael! [they both laugh]
Michael Scott: Through these blinds is where I first saw you, and you had all these boxes, and I thought you were the prettiest mover I had ever seen. And I was sitting at this desk when I called you to tell you that I had herpes and that I was still in love with you and you said that it was over, and that you didn't love me. Thank goodness none of that was true. Including the herpes. Ingrown hair. Right in here, this is where we first co-ran our meeting. Remember, obesity awareness?
Holly: Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott: We saved a lot of lives that day. That's where you first met Michael Klump.
Holly: [as Klump] Oh, I say, I say, I say, I sit on you!
Michael Scott: And right over there is where you found out that Meredith was prostituting herself for Outback steak. And I will never forget that you had the cutest look on your face because you couldn't believe it, you thought it was so wrong.
Michael Scott: And over here...
Holly: What happened here?
Michael Scott: Well, nothing. Nothing really. I would just find an excuse to come here so I could stare at you through that window. This is what I'd do. [runs watercooler tap]
Holly: Nice.
Michael Scott: Let's go in here.


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