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‘Trivia’ Quotes

The Office: Trivia

811. Trivia

Aired January 12, 2012

Andy and his employees gatecrash the trivia night Oscar is attending at a gay bar in Philadelphia. Meanwhile, Dwight travels to Florida for a job interview with Robert at the Sabre headquarters.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Animals, machines, vast virtual armies. All of these things I have successfully managed. The only thing I haven't managed is people. I saw an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division. I spoke to Robert California about it and he said for me to come by and see him sometime. So, like a Spanish conquistador, I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine.

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Quote from Gabe

Gabe: Corporate says to me, "Gabe, we need you in Scranton." Scranton says, "Gabe, go back down to Florida. You're needed there." So, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'm up there. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I'm down here. I can think of no better way to confront my deathly fear of flying.

Quote from Andy

Oscar: Andy, please! Please, just stop. You can do infinite things with paper-
Andy: [gasps] Shh! Did you hear that? Infinity! There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper! Now, who wants to buy some paper? [scattered applause]
Jim: Very nice. Very nice sales pitch for our clients that don't know what paper is.
Andy: I'm talking about you guys! Who in this room, right now, wants to buy some paper? Let's get high on our own supply!
Angela: Andy, you want us to buy our own paper?
Andy: Yes!
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to eight percent by the end of the quarter. That's today. And we're eight hundred and thirty dollars short. And I can't afford to keep buying paper from us. So today, we need to sell eight hundred and thirty dollars of paper and the next quarter I need to sell the twenty-two hundred dollars of paper that's in my garage.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: [on the phone] You can reduce your prices by ten percent or we're going to be finding a new source for our morning bagels. All right. [hangs up]
Dwight K. Schrute: Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.
Gabe: Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?
Dwight K. Schrute: Meat grinder.
Gabe: [makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know, Gabe, you could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.

Quote from Robert

Dwight K. Schrute: Riddle number two: Who is going-
Robert: Ah-ah-ah- Your drive, your ambition. It would be wasted on a manager's job. And Florida, you don't want to live here. Even I don't want to live here. That's why I'm always at my place in Scranton. Florida is America's basement: It's wet, it's filled with mold, strange insects, alligators. Alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight. You know that, right?

Quote from Kevin

Host: Final round. Last two teams squaring off. I hope you're ready to play doctor. Our question is about health and the human body.
Andy: Oh, come on!
Host: The standard American analog scale has a maximum capacity of what weight? [bell rings]
Kevin: Three hundred pounds!
Host: Point for the Einsteins. [applause] Here's your final question. Cinephiles, put on your memory berets: This 2001 masterpiece from Gilles Paquet-Brenner explores the intricate dynamics of a family in disarray.
Oscar: [rings bell, answers in French] Le titre du film est Le Scaphandre et le Papillon.
Oscar's friend: Yes!
Host: I'm sorry, no. Over to the Einsteins.
Kevin: [rings bell] Les Jolies Choses.
Meredith: Are you sure?
Kevin: Marion Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film.
Host: The Einsteins win it!
Oscar: No! Come on!
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: Look, I know it's easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was, but here's a piece of trivia: a fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are, you just might catch one.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Let me tell you why I should be the next manager with a riddle: A manager, a salesman, a leader and a warrior walk into a restaurant. The hostess says, "Table for one?" How is this possible?
Robert: You were dining alone? All those people are you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, exactly.

Quote from Kevin

Stonewall Host: Welcome to the Stonewall Alliance Trivia Championships! First prize is forty-five hundred dollars!
Kevin: Let's just do our thing, collect our hardware and get the hell home.
Stonewall Host: Riboflavin.
Kevin: [holds up "Robitussin"] Riboflavin?
Stonewall Host: Michigan. [Kevin holds up "a mitten"] The President of the United States is "P.O.T.U.S." [Kevin holds up "P.O.T.A.T.O."] John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath. [Kevin holds up "The California Raisins"]

Quote from Andy

Andy: [to Jim and Darryl] You're my sports guys! You're ESPN, you're ESPN Classic. Ryan is MSNBC. I'm E!, TLC and Oxygen.

Quote from Jim

[The office's record silent streak is broken:]
Kevin: Oh, yeah!
All: Aw!
Dwight K. Schrute: Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper.
Oscar: You really have to say "Oh, yeah" every time you eat a candy bar?
Kevin: I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good. Oh, yeah!
Oscar: My hands are tied.
Jim: All right, not bad at all. I think we can beat 20 minutes, though so let's try again. Get it all out now if you have to.
Andy: It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person!
Dwight K. Schrute: You need to stop banging your pen on your desk or it's going to drive me insane.
Jim: Okay, got it.
Erin: [shows bloody hand] Does anyone have a first aid kit?
Darryl: Check out this song I wrote: I'ma love you downstairs tonight... [overlapping chatter]
Jim: All right, here we go! Everybody get ready in three, two - good luck - one!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Dwight Schrute for Robert California!
Receptionist: Oh, hello Mr. Schrute. I'll tell him you're here. Can I get you anything at all?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not here to be given anything. I'm here to take what is mine.
Receptionist: Ooh. I'm glad you're on our team. Here, please have a seat.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Gabe: Dwight? What are you doing here?
Dwight K. Schrute: Gabe? You don't know?
Gabe: 'course I know.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hmm. Impressive office you have here. Surrounded by shrubbery, like a squirrel's office.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Robert.
Robert: You made it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Robert: Impressive initiative. I don't know what's worse, the trip or the destination. [Gabe laughs] Well, uh, let me settle in and I'll be with you shortly.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey C-span. So my dad says an accountant can really help you out, if they're willing to "play ball." Those were his words.
Oscar: Gosh, Andy, you had a great quarter. Okay? Robert will understand. Eight hundred dollars is a rounding error!
Andy: So make that error!
Oscar: Andy, no!

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: [answering phone] Hallway phone, Gabe Lewis speaking.
Robert: Gabe, listen to me. Don't bother Bill with this. He has to go put out a fire on the home front. Just wait twenty minutes and then I want you to listen to Dwight's pitch. Make him feel valued. Make him feel heard.
Gabe: Your wish is my command.
Robert: It's a command.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Uh, all right. We need to divide up into teams, but it's winner-take-all so no need to divide evenly. We need an A-team, a backup team and a just-have-fun team. So you guys all know yourselves.
Meredith: Good-timers follow me.
Phyllis: Backups. [Jim goes to join the backups]
Stanley: Go on, kid. You know you don't belong here.
Andy: A-team.
Jim: Okay.
Andy: All right, everybody. Nice self-awareness. Except... [looks at Kevin]
Kevin: Okay. [leaves]

Quote from Erin

Host: All right, first question everyone: Ray Charles famously had this state on his mind. What is its capital?
Andy: Oh, we got this!
Creed: Let's reverse engineer this. You're a black singer. Where do you go? Somewhere where you're a novelty. Alaska?
Stanley: Atlanta.
Phyllis: Oh, I know you think that, because that's where the Olympics were held.
Cathy: My cousins were actually at those Olympics.
Stanley: Keep talking all you want.
Kevin: How am I supposed to know what was on his mind? Ooh, what do blind people think about?
Erin: Okay, dogs, canes, signs, manholes, stairs, piano, darkness.
Host: Okay, time's up. Let's get the boards up. "Atlanta, Georgia" is the correct answer. [Kevin holds up "What is... SEE-attle"]

Quote from Ryan

Host: Hey, now, you're not an all-star of the NBA, but you did get your game on when you won the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year award in 2011. Who are you?
Andy: Jim, Darryl. Your time to shine.
Jim: Shawn Marion.
Darryl: Yes, Shawn Marion.
Ryan: That doesn't sound right. I want to say, LaDameon Washington.
Jim: Wrong, for so many reasons.

Quote from Kelly

Phyllis: Well, I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man was Richard Burton. Is that helpful?
Stanley: That's it. I'm going to go watch the boats on the river.
Kevin: Ron Artest, Kelly.
Kelly: No, it's Lamar Odom. If it'd been Ron Artest, it would have come up in Dancing with the Stars, when they pan over his trophy case when he's at home with his family. Lamar winning Sixth Man was a big story line on Chloe and Lamar.
Host: All right, boards up. Let's see who got it. "Lamar Odom" is what we were looking for. "Lamar Odom" Thank you.
Jim: Oh my God. Lamar Odom, yes.
Kevin: Nicely done!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Take me to Robert.
Gabe: Ow! He went home.
Dwight K. Schrute: Take me to his house.
Gabe: Uh, it's a condo and it's long-term business housing.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know where it is. Lead me there.
Gabe: Stephanie, help.
Dwight K. Schrute: Listen, you're a perfectly fine toilet. I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap. Let's go.

Quote from Andy

Host: All right, guys. After nine rounds, let's check the scores. In first place, with nine points, it's Aesop's Foibles. The Queerenstein Bears have seven points. Dunder-Mifflin A-Team has four points.
Jim: [claps] All right.
Host: D.M. Backup Team has three points. The Einsteins have eight points. Ladies Gaga have five points.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: So the best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands, and brains, of Kevin, Meredith, Erin and Kelly. Do I like these odds? My answer is no.

Quote from Erin

Host: Ring it in when you know it. First question: This man had a fatwa declared on him when- [Erin rings bell] Einsteins?
Meredith: What?
Erin: What is it?
Meredith: What?
Erin: I did my part, babe. I'm just the bell girl.

Quote from Erin

Host: Heading out to sea, sailors. On a square-rigged ship, the sale set furthest forward is called what? [Erin rings bell]
Meredith: Princess Ding-Dong, do not hit that bell unless-
Erin: Flying jib.
Host: Flying jib is correct for the Einsteins.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Shalom. Give us just a minute. Stu and I are just finishing up our lesson. Trust me. One nine-minute bout is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours. I could go to the gym three times a week or I can wrestle Stu once a month. [slaps the mat, they wrestle]
Stu: Grab my knee!
Gabe: Yay, Robert!
Robert: Guys, please help yourself to some drinks from the fridge.

Quote from Meredith

Host: According to a recent survey, this is the most common learning disability among American adolescents.
Oscar's friend: [rings bell] Boom! ADHD!
Host: No. [another bell rings]
Meredith: Wrong. The answer is dyslexia!
Host: That's correct for the Einsteins.

Quote from Robert

Robert: They haven't really improved on the Oreo, have they?
Dwight K. Schrute: No thank you.
Robert: Sit down, Dwight.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Robert: [holds a medal to the light] This medal was my grandfather's. He received it for acts of courage. For excellence. It's a tribute one man gives another. I could give you a job, Dwight. Why not let me give you something even better? [holds out the medal]
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a job interview, not a flea market.
Robert: Dwight, the job is not right for you. Now, when something comes along that is right for you, I'll try you out. Now get the hell out of my place.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.


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