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‘Doomsday’ Quotes

The Office: Doomsday

806. Doomsday

Aired November 3, 2011

After Robert urges Andy to improve the branch's execution, Dwight installs an accountability device that will trigger a doomsday scenario if the employees make five mistakes in one day.

Quote from Stanley

Andy: You know what, fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys, but if you don't want to sing, no traditions!
Stanley: [singing] Closing time, every new beginning...
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: I've never heard that song before. And once I heard it, I did not care for it. But that song means it's time to go home. Now, it's my favorite song.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted "We're number two!' As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Where you going?
Dwight K. Schrute: In. I'm hungry.
Pam: Uh, could we come in too? Just for some water.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Take off your shoes. Except you Kevin, they stay on.
Pam: Oh, wow. I forgot how pretty your house is.
Dwight K. Schrute: This is the new addition, built by Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I know how to save the company, everyone. Just write a petition, get everyone's signature, including our clients, march down to Florida, and shove it up your butt! [laughing]
Oscar: It's not that funny.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [turns lights on and off, in a Brooklyn accent:] Hey everybody, it's closing time. You don't got to go home but you can't stay here. [Plays Closing Time by Semisonic on the stereo]

Quote from Andy

Robert: Last week, an accounting mistake resulted in a client getting their order for free.
Andy: Umpf. That's not good. Chalk that one up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb out there.
Robert: Who are they?
Andy: They're both Kevin. Oscar is the Sex and the City gang and Angela, if you can picture...
Robert: Andrew, sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all.
Andy: I would agree with that.

Quote from Kevin

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, you can't just change the rules because you don't like the outcome. What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task? Can you tell me now where paper comes from?
Kevin: Uh, the man tree puts its penis-

Quote from Pam

Pam: Let's see. Andy has been manager for a hundred and five days. Which means I've heard 'Closing Time' a hundred and five times. Still don't know the words. Ah wah, dah wah... Home and home and home.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: They are making me out to be a Bond villain. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop at nothing to remake the world. Like... [sighs] Not Doctor Moreau someone good. Doctor Frankenstein, Doctor Jekyll, not them. Doctor...

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: They're not my favorite people in the world. I wouldn't even call them friends. They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen. God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I?

Quote from Andy

Andy: Every office needs an end of the day tradition. Something to tell you the day is over. Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day. It's weird.

Quote from Robert

Robert: When I come back next week and this report shows me no mistakes, we can talk about names all day. Our favorite names, silly made up names, normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice?
Andy: I would like that.
Robert: End the mistakes. That is all I ask. [gets up from chair] And you can't have a favorite Iron Chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient. Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all.

Quote from Andy

Dwight K. Schrute: I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem. This is a project I've been working on for quite some time and today, might be the day to use it.
Andy: What do you got?
Dwight K. Schrute: [opens folder] Allow me. You're going to love this. [struggles opening folder] Ah, I should've used a shorter string. Never mind, I know it by heart. It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work.
Andy: Sounds controversial.
Dwight K. Schrute: Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two?
Andy: Do not go there! You're the deuce I never want to drop.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship.
Toby: For you?
Gabe: Yes. For Gabe.
Toby: Who are you seeing? That's gr-
Gabe: Whom I'm seeing is Val from down in the warehouse.
Toby: Oh.
Gabe: I'm not technically seeing her, but uh I've seen her, with the eyes and, uh, there was attraction. In at least one direction. So...
Toby: You know, I don't have to do the paperwork unless you're actually dating.
Gabe: Okay, but once this starts, it's going to be moving fast. It's going to be hot and heavy, and I don't want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape wrapped around my jock. You know?
Toby: But I mean, uh, have you talked to her?
Gabe: Yeah we had a whole conversation about Mondays.
Toby: Do you know her last name, yet?
Gabe: Toby, I'm going to tell you her last name tomorrow because she's going to be screaming it tonight.
Toby: She's going to be screaming her own last name?
Gabe: Hey! Watch it.
Toby: Good luck, Gabe.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: And I'd like to add that your work has been a little sloppy. So, Dwight and I have implemented a new program that we like to call... Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: The Accountability Booster. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office. From a late delivery to an accounting error. Five strikes in a day equals a home run. One home run and you're out.
Andy: If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens like we block Minesweeper.
Dwight K. Schrute: Or in this case an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultants report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shutdown? And as a fail-safe also every negative email you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
Kelly: What emails are you talking about?
Dwight K. Schrute: Robert's favorite songs: Creep by TLC, Creep by Radio Head. You remember that one, Jim? "There is no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper", Oscar. "He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him", Kelly.
Kelly: That's not that bad actually.
Dwight K. Schrute: "P.S. We should should kill him."

Quote from Oscar

Angela: Oscar, use a calculator. [Oscar shakes his head]
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: When the stakes are this high, there is only one computer that I trust. And it's powered by Thai food and Spanish reds.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: What are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse.
Erin: Do you need a hand?
Pam: Yeah, do you need a hand? [everyone joins in]
Dwight K. Schrute: If you hit another horse, you've dug too far.

Quote from Angela

Oscar: Why haven't we heard anything? It's 4:45. There's only 15 minutes left.
Angela: Oh, now you can do math? Where were you 2 hours ago, beautiful mind?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Erin: Oh, Pam. You got something on your shirt.
Pam: Oh, haha. Oh well. Pobody's nerfect, right?
Dwight K. Schrute: Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's "Nobody's perfect." Nice stroke, Pam.
Pam: No. It's a jokey saying. Pobody's nerfect, like I can't even say those words right. Ha.
Dwight K. Schrute: I hadn't heard that before. That's- That's funny.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Thanks for everything.
Dwight K. Schrute: Sive drafely.
Kevin: Isn't it supposed to be, "Drive safely"?


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