Dwight K. Schrute: I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are at vision.

Michael Scott: It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but, bleugh, I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." You're foir-ed. "Uh, you're foir-ed." He just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. "You're foir-ed." I think if I had a catchphrase, it would be, "You're hired and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so...

Michael Scott: Why don't you have some of this cake?
Meredith: Uh, I can't.
Michael Scott: Come on. A little bit.
Meredith: I can't eat dairy.
Michael Scott: Oh, right. Too bad. It's so good.
Meredith: It makes me sick.
Michael Scott: You know, if I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'cause this is way, way too good.

Michael Scott: I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know, $25, one-time donation. I didn't think it was a per mile kinda deal. You know, so...
Oscar: Well, that's what a walkathon is.
Michael Scott: I know.
Oscar: It says it right on the sheet. Look at the sheet. It says, "It's however many dollars per mile."
Michael Scott: Got it. Yes. So it does.
Oscar: Um, I just think it's kind of cheap to undonate money to a charity.
Michael Scott: No, no. That wasn't what I was- No. It's not about the money. It's just- It- It's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?
Oscar: Yeah.
Michael Scott: How many miles did he do last year?
Oscar: Last year, he walked 18 miles.
Michael Scott: Son of a bitch. That is impressive. Good for him.

Michael Scott: When I retire, I- I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be, like "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what." That was Michael Scott." "But it was anonymous. How do you know?" "Because I'm him."

Dwight K. Schrute: It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.

Michael Scott: I think we're losing sight of what is really important here and that is that we are a group of people who work together. I was- I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizeable donation to Oscar's nephew's walkathon. $25.
Oscar: Per mile.
Michael Scott: Per mile, yes. A check for the kids, and for the team.
Oscar: Thank you, Michael.
[Michael attempts to start a round of applause for himself]

Dwight K. Schrute: I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing.
Michael Scott: There's no downsizing.
Dwight K. Schrute: But if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?
Michael Scott: Assistant to the regional manager.

Stanley: Why d'you do this?
Dwight K. Schrute: I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?

Jim: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good, let them. It helps our cause.
Jim: Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in human resources, and they're talking...
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, they're forming an alliance. Dammit, god! Gah!
Jim: Okay, listen. We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight K. Schrute: God dammit! Why us?!
Jim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.