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‘The Alliance’ Quotes

The Office: The Alliance

104. The Alliance

Aired April 12, 2005

Michael attempts to boost morale at Dunder Mifflin by throwing a surprise party, even though the next birthday isn't for a month.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but, bleugh, I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." You're foir-ed. "Uh, you're foir-ed." He just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. "You're foir-ed." I think if I had a catchphrase, it would be, "You're hired and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so...

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are at vision.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why don't you have some of this cake?
Meredith: Uh, I can't.
Michael Scott: Come on. A little bit.
Meredith: I can't eat dairy.
Michael Scott: Oh, right. Too bad. It's so good.
Meredith: It makes me sick.
Michael Scott: You know, if I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'cause this is way, way too good.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know, $25, one-time donation. I didn't think it was a per mile kinda deal. You know, so...
Oscar: Well, that's what a walkathon is.
Michael Scott: I know.
Oscar: It says it right on the sheet. Look at the sheet. It says, "It's however many dollars per mile."
Michael Scott: Got it. Yes. So it does.
Oscar: Um, I just think it's kind of cheap to undonate money to a charity.
Michael Scott: No, no. That wasn't what I was- No. It's not about the money. It's just- It- It's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?
Oscar: Yeah.
Michael Scott: How many miles did he do last year?
Oscar: Last year, he walked 18 miles.
Michael Scott: Son of a bitch. That is impressive. Good for him.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: When I retire, I- I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be, like "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what." That was Michael Scott." "But it was anonymous. How do you know?" "Because I'm him."

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I think we're losing sight of what is really important here and that is that we are a group of people who work together. I was- I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizeable donation to Oscar's nephew's walkathon. $25.
Oscar: Per mile.
Michael Scott: Per mile, yes. A check for the kids, and for the team.
Oscar: Thank you, Michael.
[Michael attempts to start a round of applause for himself]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing.
Michael Scott: There's no downsizing.
Dwight K. Schrute: But if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?
Michael Scott: Assistant to the regional manager.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Stanley: Why d'you do this?
Dwight K. Schrute: I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's a scuttlebutt?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good, let them. It helps our cause.
Jim: Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in human resources, and they're talking...
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, they're forming an alliance. Dammit, god! Gah!
Jim: Okay, listen. We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight K. Schrute: God dammit! Why us?!
Jim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: No, I'm always good for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars. People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you $25.
Oscar: That's- That's- That's very generous.
Michael Scott: Oh, my gosh. Well, listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into morale. That's what I say, so [clicks tongue].

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: What do you know about Meredith?
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't think she'd be missed.
Michael Scott: There's not going to be downsizing, Dwight, okay? I just I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
Dwight K. Schrute: Name: Meredith Palmer. Personal information: divorced twice, two kids. Employer: Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards: multiple Dundees.
Michael Scott: I know all that. I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Dwight K. Schrute: She had a hysterectomy.
Michael Scott: Which one is that again?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's where they remove the uterus.
Michael Scott: Oh, God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny, okay? What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
Dwight K. Schrute: It could be kinda funny.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.
Jim: Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it, 25 bucks?
Michael Scott: Well, you know, money isn't everything, Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.
Jim: Yeah, well, three dollars a mile is gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.
Michael Scott: ... Is Oscar around?

Quote from Michael Scott

Meredith: "Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here where time stands still."
Michael Scott: I don't know about that.
Meredith: That was Stanley. "Meredith, happy birthday. You're the best. Love, Pam."
Michael Scott: Aw! [gagging] Thanks, downer.
Meredith: This is from Michael. "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael Scott: Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I have just convinced Dwight he needs to go to Stamford and spy on our other branch. No, no, no. But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
Pam: That's perfect!
Jim: If we can get him to drive to Connecticut and put peroxide in his hair.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game. [Dwight has peroxide-blonde hair] Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves. That's politics, baby. Get what you can outta someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.


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