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32Quotes from ‘The Alliance’

The Office: The Alliance

104. The Alliance

Aired April 12, 2005

Michael attempts to boost morale at Dunder Mifflin by throwing a surprise party, even though the next birthday isn't for a month.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but, bleugh, I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." You're foir-ed. "Uh, you're foir-ed." He just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. "You're foir-ed." I think if I had a catchphrase, it would be, "You're hired and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so...

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are at vision.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why don't you have some of this cake?
Meredith: Uh, I can't.
Michael Scott: Come on. A little bit.
Meredith: I can't eat dairy.
Michael Scott: Oh, right. Too bad. It's so good.
Meredith: It makes me sick.
Michael Scott: You know, if I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'cause this is way, way too good.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know, $25, one-time donation. I didn't think it was a per mile kinda deal. You know, so...
Oscar: Well, that's what a walkathon is.
Michael Scott: I know.
Oscar: It says it right on the sheet. Look at the sheet. It says, "It's however many dollars per mile."
Michael Scott: Got it. Yes. So it does.
Oscar: Um, I just think it's kind of cheap to undonate money to a charity.
Michael Scott: No, no. That wasn't what I was- No. It's not about the money. It's just- It- It's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?
Oscar: Yeah.
Michael Scott: How many miles did he do last year?
Oscar: Last year, he walked 18 miles.
Michael Scott: Son of a bitch. That is impressive. Good for him.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: When I retire, I- I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be, like "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what." That was Michael Scott." "But it was anonymous. How do you know?" "Because I'm him."

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I think we're losing sight of what is really important here and that is that we are a group of people who work together. I was- I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizeable donation to Oscar's nephew's walkathon. $25.
Oscar: Per mile.
Michael Scott: Per mile, yes. A check for the kids, and for the team.
Oscar: Thank you, Michael.
[Michael attempts to start a round of applause for himself]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing.
Michael Scott: There's no downsizing.
Dwight K. Schrute: But if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?
Michael Scott: Assistant to the regional manager.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Stanley: Why d'you do this?
Dwight K. Schrute: I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's a scuttlebutt?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good, let them. It helps our cause.
Jim: Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in human resources, and they're talking...
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, they're forming an alliance. Dammit, god! Gah!
Jim: Okay, listen. We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight K. Schrute: God dammit! Why us?!
Jim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: No, I'm always good for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars. People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you $25.
Oscar: That's- That's- That's very generous.
Michael Scott: Oh, my gosh. Well, listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into morale. That's what I say, so [clicks tongue].

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: What do you know about Meredith?
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't think she'd be missed.
Michael Scott: There's not going to be downsizing, Dwight, okay? I just I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
Dwight K. Schrute: Name: Meredith Palmer. Personal information: divorced twice, two kids. Employer: Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards: multiple Dundees.
Michael Scott: I know all that. I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Dwight K. Schrute: She had a hysterectomy.
Michael Scott: Which one is that again?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's where they remove the uterus.
Michael Scott: Oh, God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny, okay? What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
Dwight K. Schrute: It could be kinda funny.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.
Jim: Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it, 25 bucks?
Michael Scott: Well, you know, money isn't everything, Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.
Jim: Yeah, well, three dollars a mile is gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.
Michael Scott: ... Is Oscar around?

Quote from Michael Scott

Meredith: "Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here where time stands still."
Michael Scott: I don't know about that.
Meredith: That was Stanley. "Meredith, happy birthday. You're the best. Love, Pam."
Michael Scott: Aw! [gagging] Thanks, downer.
Meredith: This is from Michael. "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael Scott: Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I have just convinced Dwight he needs to go to Stamford and spy on our other branch. No, no, no. But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
Pam: That's perfect!
Jim: If we can get him to drive to Connecticut and put peroxide in his hair.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game. [Dwight has peroxide-blonde hair] Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves. That's politics, baby. Get what you can outta someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Look, I talked to Corporate about protecting sales staff. They couldn't guarantee it if we're downsizing. But we're not downsizing, so-
Dwight K. Schrute: Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?
Michael Scott: Mm, mm, mm. Maybe.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: You still wanna have a party?
Michael Scott: Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up! Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check, Captain. Eeee! Eeee! Eeee! Eeee! No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brrr-rrrp. Star Trek.

Quote from Angela

Phyllis: Well, for decorations, maybe we could- It's stupid. Forget it.
Angela: What?
Phyllis: I was going to say maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.
Angela: No. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. What color do you guys think?
Phyllis: Well, there's green, blue, yellow, red.
Pam: How about green?
Angela: I think green is kind of whoreish.

Quote from Pam

Pam: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course, by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook! So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. They're very good. Very delicious.
Angela: Meredith's allergic to dairy, so...
Michael Scott: She's not the only one that's gonna be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not- It's not just about her, so...
Pam: It is her birthday.
Michael Scott: Mint chocolate chip! Would be good. How about some mint chocolate chip?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Did you get your tickets?
Jim: To what?
Dwight K. Schrute: The gun show.

Quote from Jim

Jim: At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me. And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him but only in ways that would get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says, "No, Jim, here's a way."

Quote from Jim

Pam: An alliance?
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Pam: What does that even mean?
Jim: I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure. Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Can you get her? She's right there. That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this is Meredith's card.
"Happy Bird-Day!" Um, let's see. Jim. Jim wrote, "Meredith, I heard you're turning forty-six, but you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers." Not bad. Pretty funny. I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.
Dwight K. Schrute: So tape it down.
Jim: I can't do that. Then you won't be able to breathe.
Dwight K. Schrute: I can breathe just fine, okay? But if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know what? Actually I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um. Oh, where's that? Oh, okay. Here's a good one. "Hey, Meredith, Liz Taylor called. She wants her age back and her divorces back." 'cause Meredith's been divorced, like, twice. Is that right?
Meredith: You're right. You're right. Yes.
Michael Scott: Divorce. Um. Oh, okay. "Meredith is so old"-
Oscar: How old is she?
Michael Scott: If everybody could do it? "Meredith is so old"
All: How old is she?
Michael Scott: "She's so old she went into an antiques store and they kept her." That wasn't even mine. I got that off the internet. Website. Don't get mad at me.

Quote from Angela

Oscar: Nice party, Michael.
Michael Scott: This isn't my fault. Um, ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that, don't you think?
Angela: Phyllis wanted red. I didn't.
Phyllis: Oh, boy, you-

Quote from Ryan

Toby: Really? Today?
Ryan: Yeah.
Toby: Happy birthday.
Ryan: Thanks.
Toby: I could say something.
Ryan: Don't do that.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Meredith, Meredith, Meri- Mary had a little lamb. Mary Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath.


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