Dwight K. Schrute: What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Jim: Well, why did you do that? You work here. Don't you want good insurance?
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
Jim: Okay, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brainpower. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you raise your cholesterol?
Dwight K. Schrute: So I can lower it.

Jim: Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. All right? 'cause I'm suffering from both.
Pam: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, like, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Nice.
Jim: Thank you.

Michael Scott: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um, yes, in a way. Yeah. Like a specialist.

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael Scott: Uh, none. You're picking a health care plan.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. We'll table that for the time being. Two, I'm going to need an office. The conference room should be fine.
Michael Scott: You can use the conference room as a temporary work space.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. I have an office. Bigger than his.
Michael Scott: No, you cannot use it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I take it back. It's a workspace.
Michael Scott: Temporary workspace. You can use it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you.

Michael Scott: If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already.

Jim: Last night on Trading Spouses- Have you seen it?
Pam: No. I have a life.
Jim: Interesting. What's that like?
Pam: You should try it sometime.
Jim: Wow. But then who would watch my TV?
Pam: [laughs] That is your problem.

Jan: So, which health plan have you decided on?
Michael Scott: I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, the works.
Jan: Wait. Acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely, Michael?
Michael Scott: Oh, I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan.
Jan: The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan.
Michael Scott: Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good.

Pam: Dwight, what-
Dwight K. Schrute: Knock, please. Please knock. This is an office.
Jim: It says "workspace".
Dwight K. Schrute: Same thing.
Jim: If it's the same thing then why did you write "workspace"?
Dwight K. Schrute: Just knock. Please? As a sign of respect for your superior.
Jim: You are not my superior.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, gee, then why do I have an office?
Jim: I thought it was a workspace.

Michael Scott: Do I know what the surprise is? Hell, no! It doesn't matter. They're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, "Wow, my boss really cares about me." He has a surprise. He's cool. "What a great guy. I love him. I love him."