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26Quotes from ‘Health Care’

The Office: Health Care

103. Health Care

Aired April 5, 2005

When Michael is asked to make a tough decision about the company's health care plan, he delegates the job to Dwight, who welcomes the opportunity to aggressively cut costs.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Quote from Pam

Jim: Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. All right? 'cause I'm suffering from both.
Pam: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, like, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Nice.
Jim: Thank you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um, yes, in a way. Yeah. Like a specialist.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael Scott: Uh, none. You're picking a health care plan.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. We'll table that for the time being. Two, I'm going to need an office. The conference room should be fine.
Michael Scott: You can use the conference room as a temporary work space.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. I have an office. Bigger than his.
Michael Scott: No, you cannot use it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I take it back. It's a workspace.
Michael Scott: Temporary workspace. You can use it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: You cut more than you had to, didn't you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sure.
Jim: Well, why did you do that? You work here. Don't you want good insurance?
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
Jim: Okay, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brainpower. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you raise your cholesterol?
Dwight K. Schrute: So I can lower it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: So, which health plan have you decided on?
Michael Scott: I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, the works.
Jan: Wait. Acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely, Michael?
Michael Scott: Oh, I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan.
Jan: The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan.
Michael Scott: Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good.

Quote from Pam

Jim: Last night on Trading Spouses- Have you seen it?
Pam: No. I have a life.
Jim: Interesting. What's that like?
Pam: You should try it sometime.
Jim: Wow. But then who would watch my TV?
Pam: [laughs] That is your problem.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Dwight, what-
Dwight K. Schrute: Knock, please. Please knock. This is an office.
Jim: It says "workspace".
Dwight K. Schrute: Same thing.
Jim: If it's the same thing then why did you write "workspace"?
Dwight K. Schrute: Just knock. Please? As a sign of respect for your superior.
Jim: You are not my superior.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, gee, then why do I have an office?
Jim: I thought it was a workspace.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Do I know what the surprise is? Hell, no! It doesn't matter. They're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, "Wow, my boss really cares about me." He has a surprise. He's cool. "What a great guy. I love him. I love him."

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, everyone. Gather round. Step forward. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.
Jim: Okay, you know what, Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, well I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office.
Jim: Workspace.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Damn it. Damn it. All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
Jim: What are you talking about?
Dwight K. Schrute: Someone forged medical information and that is a felony.
Jim: Okay, whoa. All right, because that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're faking?
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, leprosy? Flesh-eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection. You did this, didn't you?
Jim: Absolutely not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, you did. I know it was you.
Jim: No, I didn't.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know it was you. Okay, fine. I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for anyone.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. "Count Choculitis."
Jim: Whoo, sounds tough.
Dwight K. Schrute: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim: Do you?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm now going to read aloud your submitted conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.
Stanley: What about confidentiality?
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one. Inverted penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight K. Schrute: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

Quote from Kevin

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Great. Dermatitis. Thank you, Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. Okay, now, who wrote this hysterical one? Anal fissures?
Kevin: That's a real thing.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin: Someone has it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: We're doing this to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan.
Michael Scott: Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um, it's not going to be a popular decision around the old orifice.

Quote from Jan

Jan: Michael. Sometimes a manager like yourself has to deliver the bad new to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael Scott: Yeah, when have you ever done that?
Jan: I'm doing it right now. To you.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it. Right now, this is just a job.
If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And, er... Well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: [answering the phone] Dundler Mifflin. This is Pam.
Michael Scott: Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?
Pam: Where are you?
Michael Scott: Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears. I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Is everybody cool out there?
Pam: Actually, people are really unhappy. Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out-
Michael Scott: Pam! Whoa! I'm sorry. I gotta go. I'm getting a call.
Pam: No, you're not.
Michael Scott: I have to make a call after I finish my work. You know what? Just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?
Pam: Okay.
Michael Scott: Thank you. Oh, here we go again. Gotta go. I have to take this.
Pam: Still no one calling.

Quote from Kevin

Oscar: He literally won't come out of his office.
Kevin: He's gotta come out sometime. To go to the bathroom!
Angela: Kevin. That's inappropriate.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, once you get down into the mine, what have you got? Laser Tag or something?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Quote from Pam

Jim: Killer nanorobots?
Pam: It's an epidemic.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And faster metabolism.
Ryan: Did you get the kind with the cookies, instead of the-
Michael Scott: Why don't you just eat it, okay?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, okay. See you guys on Monday.
Angela: What about the surprise?
Michael Scott: Oh, yes. Exactly. Thank you, Angela, for reminding me. Terrific. Um. Before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is?
Stanley: We all think you don't have a surprise.
Michael Scott: All right, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise. And here it is. Here we go. And the big surprise is... Brrrrrrrr! Drum roll. Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrr! ... God, yeah ... Ah! This... [people file out]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, um, Jan wants you to call her.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See, I learned improv from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles. Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. "Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo.


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