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46Quotes from ‘Gay Witch Hunt’

The Office: Gay Witch Hunt

301. Gay Witch Hunt

Aired September 21, 2006

Michael outs Oscar to the entire office after he complained about his boss's inappropriate language.

Quote from Karen

Karen: Jim's nice enough. I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera, like this. What is that?

Quote from Andy

Andy: Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know, cut your throat to get ahead type of guy. But, I mean, I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell. You ever heard of it? I graduated in four years, I never studied once, I was drunk the whole time and I sang in the a cappella group Here Comes Treble.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: I was going to quit, but Jan offered me a three-month, paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gil and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's old job, which means at my 10-year high school reunion, it will not say, "Ryan Howard is a temp. " It will say, "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm." That'll show them.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature, but we can't lose the spirit of childlike wonder. What is love anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way? I'm glad if today spurred social change. That's part of my job as regional manager. But, you know what, even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. That's what she said. Or he said.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [wailing] Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. I cry myself to sleep. Jim! [normally] False. I do not miss him.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [on the phone] I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure you that it is certainly not more flammable.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, Big Tuna, you're single, right?
Jim: Yeah, I am.
Andy: Pretty hot, huh? She's completely crazy. Steer clear, Big Tuna. Head for open waters.
Jim: Okay.
Andy: Okay.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I ate a tuna sandwich on my first day, so Andy started calling me Big Tuna. I don't think any of them actually know my real name.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [on the phone] What's gaydar? Oh, oh, gaydar, yes! No, I think they have it at Sharper Image. Oh, you know what? I can check for you. No problem. [typing loudly] It's sold out. Yeah. Sorry about that. That's a bummer.
[cut to:]
Michael Scott: They're sold out.
Dwight K. Schrute: Damn. I'll try Brookstone.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Yes, I am super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company in Scranton. Much like Sir Ian McKellen.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Okay, who put my calculator in JELL-O? Good one. But, seriously, guys, who did this? Seriously, guys. Who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in JELL-O or I'm going to lose my freaking mind! [kicks a trash can]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Michael, Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer.
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, Michael knows, Pam, okay? He asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons.
Michael Scott: Whew. Okay. Nothing wrong with this stuff at all. This is fine. You know what? Gay porn, straight porn, it's all good. I don't particularly get into this but, you know what, I totally see the merit. And actually, it is quite beautiful.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, damn pop-ups.

Quote from Creed

Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s, I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain, and it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: I don't think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, there's Gil, Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows.

Quote from Pam

Jim: You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.
Pam: Me, too. I think we're just drunk.
Jim: No, I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?
Pam: No. [Jim moves into kiss Pam again] Jim.
Jim: You're really going to marry him? Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: Apparently you called Oscar faggy.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Toby: For liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie.
Michael Scott: It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard.

Quote from Toby

Toby: All right, Michael, but Oscar's really gay.
Michael Scott: Exactly.
Toby: I mean for real.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know.
Toby: No. He's attracted to other men.
Michael Scott: Okay. Little too far. Crossed the line.
Toby: Okay. I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual. Yeah. He told me this morning. And obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Listen, man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.
Oscar: Oh, it's fine. It's okay. It's okay.
Michael Scott: No. No.
Oscar: It's okay.
Michael Scott: No, it's not. I just I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people faggy since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way. You know? I'm just- I I can't even imagine the thing- Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime and you could tell me how you do that to another dude.
Oscar: That sounds like a great, wonderful idea. Let's do that.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: No. I'm not gay. And I don't understand why anyone would think that I'm gay if- Yeah, I'm gay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There could be others. I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else.
Dwight K. Schrute: You could assume everyone is and not say anything offensive.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman.
Dwight K. Schrute: I really don't think so.
Michael Scott: I don't know. I can imagine her with another woman, can't you? [Dwight smiles] Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at them.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim told me you could buy gaydar online.
Michael Scott: That's ridiculous.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah. Probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot.
Michael Scott: Let's call him and get the website.
Dwight K. Schrute: Definitely.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding. I got cold feet a few days before, and I can't really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship. We still had to pay for all the food, so we froze it. But I'm doing well. I have my own apartment and I'm taking art classes. And I have lunch for the next five weeks.

Quote from Roy

Roy: After Pam dumped me, I kind of stopped taking care of myself for a while there, and I hit bottom when I had a drunk driving arrest. Yeah, I've been working out and, you know, I'm not going to take her for granted. I got to win her back.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: It is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: You know, it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you can be so obtuse about sexual orientation.
Michael Scott: I watch The L Word, okay?
Jan: Good. Good.
Michael Scott: I watch Queer as [beep] so...
Jan: That's not what it's called.
Toby: Okay, Michael, are you aware that you outed Oscar today?
Michael Scott: What? What does that even-
Jan: Coming out is a significant moment for a gay person. And they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it.
Michael Scott: Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade. It's not, like, gay shame festival.

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his co-workers, primarily Angela, and that's your fault.
Michael Scott: I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair?
Jan: No!
Michael Scott: Maybe. Is that what this is about?
Jan: No. No. It's not possible.
Michael Scott: I don't- Anything's possible.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: Am I the first gay man you ever knew?
Michael Scott: Trick question. 'cause you can't always tell, so how would I know? Was that the right answer? Yup.

Quote from Oscar

Michael Scott: Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out to everybody here however you want to do it? Go ahead. Stand up. I'm doing this for you.
Oscar: Yes, I'm gay. And I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so, whatever. Can I sit down now?

Quote from Phyllis

Dwight K. Schrute: I think all the other office gays should identify themselves or I will do it for them.
Oscar: No one else in this office is gay.
Dwight K. Schrute: What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine.
Phyllis: I'm getting married to Bob Vance.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: You sound pretty defensive, Michael.
Michael Scott: No. I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero!
Oscar: I think the problem with this office is that you are sending mixed signals about my being here.
Michael Scott: No. No. The only signal that I am sending is gay good! Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you've ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers and just I'd be waving that rainbow flag.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: "Hope this helps. Jim." Nice.
[Dwight picks up a hand-held scanning wand with markers for "Homo, Bi, and Hetero". He takes it over to Oscar]
Oscar: What are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't be scared. [The device beeps when held in front of Oscar.] It works. [The device beeps as Dwight holds it in front of himself] Oh, no.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Can you tell who's gay and who is not?
Dwight K. Schrute: Of course.
Michael Scott: What about Oscar?
Dwight K. Schrute: Absolutely not.
Michael Scott: Well, he is.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...

Quote from Angela

Angela: Sure, sometimes I watch Will & Grace and I want to throw up. It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes when Harry Connick Jr. Is on. He's so talented.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: All right, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian or overweight, just get in here! Right now!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up, it meant lame. And now it means a man who makes love to other men. We're all homos, Homo sapiens. Gays aren't necessarily who you think they are-
[Pam is smiling at Ryan]
Ryan: [to Pam] What?
Michael Scott: -people. I mean, anybody can be gay. Businessmen, like antique dealers, or hairdressers or accountants.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Who should be the judges and juries of our society?
Angela: Judges and juries.
Michael Scott: Yes. That's a good point. She has a good point. Because gay marriage currently is not legal under U.S. Law. I bet a lot of straight men wished that applied to them so they could go out there and have some torrid, unabashed monkey sex as much as they could. You know? Sounds pretty good, right?
Kevin: That sounds great.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Congratulations, Phyllis. That is great, and frankly, kind of amazing. See? Everybody has a chance.
Phyllis: Thank you.
Michael Scott: But, still Phyllis, in college, did you ever experiment with other women? A lot of women do.
Phyllis: No, and you knew me in high school. Of course, we all thought you were gay in high school.
Michael Scott: Right. [laughing] And I take that as a compliment.
Phyllis: Well, with your ties and your matching socks-
Michael Scott: Well, I just like to look good, okay?

Quote from Oscar

Michael Scott: You know what? Okay. Okay. I'm going to put my money where my mouth is. You ready?
Oscar: What are you doing?
Michael Scott: I am going to embrace Oscar. You might want to watch us, Angela, because you can't catch anything. Here we go.
Oscar: No.
Michael Scott: We are going to make a statement. You and I are going to make a statement together. Oscar is my friend.
Oscar: I'd rather not.
Michael Scott: And I just don't care who sees it. Doesn't bother me.
Oscar: I really- I really would rather not.
Michael Scott: Come here, friend.
Oscar: I'd really rather not.
Michael Scott: You're my friend.
Oscar: No! No! I don't want to touch you. Ever considered that? You're ignorant and insulting and small.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael appears to be gay, too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know what, I'm going to raise the stakes.
Oscar: You don't-
Michael Scott: I want you to watch this and I want you to burn this into your brains.
Oscar: I don't think we need to do this-
Michael Scott: Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come. Whenever you come into the office, I want you to think about this.
Oscar: We don't need to.
Michael Scott: Yes, we do.
Oscar: What?
Michael Scott: [Michael kisses a reluctant Oscar on the lips] I did it!
Oscar: Thank you.
Michael Scott: Thank you. Thank you. See, I'm still here. We're all still here.

Quote from Angela

Oscar: What are you doing?
Angela: Watching some of your friends.


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