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‘Gay Witch Hunt’ Quotes

The Office: Gay Witch Hunt

301. Gay Witch Hunt

Aired September 21, 2006

Michael outs Oscar to the entire office after he complained about his boss's inappropriate language.

Quote from Karen

Karen: Jim's nice enough. I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera, like this. What is that?

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Quote from Andy

Andy: Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know, cut your throat to get ahead type of guy. But, I mean, I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell. You ever heard of it? I graduated in four years, I never studied once, I was drunk the whole time and I sang in the a cappella group Here Comes Treble.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: I was going to quit, but Jan offered me a three-month, paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gil and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's old job, which means at my 10-year high school reunion, it will not say, "Ryan Howard is a temp. " It will say, "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm." That'll show them.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature, but we can't lose the spirit of childlike wonder. What is love anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way? I'm glad if today spurred social change. That's part of my job as regional manager. But, you know what, even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. That's what she said. Or he said.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [wailing] Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. I cry myself to sleep. Jim! [normally] False. I do not miss him.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [on the phone] I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure you that it is certainly not more flammable.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, Big Tuna, you're single, right?
Jim: Yeah, I am.
Andy: Pretty hot, huh? She's completely crazy. Steer clear, Big Tuna. Head for open waters.
Jim: Okay.
Andy: Okay.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I ate a tuna sandwich on my first day, so Andy started calling me Big Tuna. I don't think any of them actually know my real name.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [on the phone] What's gaydar? Oh, oh, gaydar, yes! No, I think they have it at Sharper Image. Oh, you know what? I can check for you. No problem. [typing loudly] It's sold out. Yeah. Sorry about that. That's a bummer.
[cut to:]
Michael Scott: They're sold out.
Dwight K. Schrute: Damn. I'll try Brookstone.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Yes, I am super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company in Scranton. Much like Sir Ian McKellen.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Okay, who put my calculator in JELL-O? Good one. But, seriously, guys, who did this? Seriously, guys. Who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in JELL-O or I'm going to lose my freaking mind! [kicks a trash can]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Michael, Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer.
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, Michael knows, Pam, okay? He asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons.
Michael Scott: Whew. Okay. Nothing wrong with this stuff at all. This is fine. You know what? Gay porn, straight porn, it's all good. I don't particularly get into this but, you know what, I totally see the merit. And actually, it is quite beautiful.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, damn pop-ups.

Quote from Creed

Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s, I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain, and it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: I don't think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, there's Gil, Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows.


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