Michael Scott: The Misquotes
"Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary." - Jim Halpert
A collection of Michael's best misquotes and invented words.
Michael Scott: They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you're lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say, that's crazy. I say, "Let them eat cake." Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.
Michael Scott: No need for consternation. Everything is under control.
Jan: [on the phone] Michael, last Friday, one of your employees attacked another employee in your office.
Michael Scott: It was a crime of passion, Jan. Not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.
Michael Scott: Hello. Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe we're expected. Well, well, well, how the turntables...
Michael Scott: [on the phone] Michael Scott calling for David. Tell him to call me ASAP as possible.
Michael Scott: Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall, and I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela a heart and for Kelly a brain. Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them? You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.
Angela: Everybody knows it was Andy, and it is not fair for us all to take the fall for his big stupid mouth!
Michael Scott: Ridiculous, Angela. And like I'm going to believe one of his "spermed" lovers.
Michael Scott: Yesterday, I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an "epiphery". Life is precious. And if I die, I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.
Michael Scott: I, um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons. I guess they all flew west for the winter. And I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
Michael Scott: Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. [clears throat] Jim, you're 6'11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom! Roasted! Dwight, you're a kiss ass. Boom! Roasted! Pam, you failed art school. Boom! Roasted! Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom! Roasted! Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom! Roasted! Creed, you're teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom! Roasted! Angela, where's Angela? [Angela raises her hand] Whoa, there you are. I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom! Roasted! Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom! Roasted! Oscar, you are... [Stanley is laughing, Michael joins in] Oscar, you're gay.
Michael Scott: Andy, Cornell called. They think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom! Roasted! [Stanley is still laughing] All right. All right, everybody. You know I kid. You know I kid. You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. So, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe.
Angela: I'm not going. You did this, not us.
Michael Scott: Okay, no, you encouraged it. You were complicit. Complicit. You were all successories!
Karen: Look, it's really simple. We just want you guys to treat us with respect.
Michael Scott: See? That's what we're talking about. Did you hear that, Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. Did you hear that, Michael?
Michael Scott: No, Dwight. Respect. R- E-S-P-C-T. Find out what it means to me.
Michael Scott: Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? "Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three."
Michael Scott: The old Michael Scott might have taken this, but not the new Michael Scott. They are in for a bitter surprise. I am not to be truffled with.
Michael Scott: There is no way I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember, it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word.
You have one day.
Pam: One day for what?
Michael Scott: That's- They always give an ultimatum.
Michael Scott: Oh, oh, oh! Contraption! She's contrapting! Okay, you know what? I think I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why. I am a licensed, classy driver in the state of Pennsylvania.
Michael Scott: I gassed up the car. Actually, I put diesel in this time, trying to save some money.
Jim: Michael, you shouldn't have done that.
Michael Scott: Happy to do it.
Michael Scott: You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Stanley: Oh, I don't know.
Phyllis: That's not a good idea, Michael.
Michael Scott: Come on.
Phyllis: He needs to rest.
Michael Scott: No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?
Stanley: I would die.
Michael Scott: And you're okay with that?
Stanley: I'm okay with the logic of it.
Michael Scott: Hey, Pam. All the stuff with Kevin is pretty scary. And I'm thinking that next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time-bags. All right? Think about it.
Jim: It's something to think about.
Lawyer: Did you shout, "Fire!", causing a panic?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes I shouted "Fire!" I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what-- heeded--
Michael Scott: Hed. Hedded.
Dwight K. Schrute: When no one hedded--
Michael Scott: Take hedded of.
Dwight K. Schrute: When no one would take hedded of my instructions.
Michael Scott: Heed. Heed.
Dwight K. Schrute: So, you--
Michael Scott: Take heed of.
Dwight K. Schrute: And, well, I don't see my co-workers hee-heeding this right now.
David: [answering the phone] Yes, Michael, what is so urgent?
Michael Scott: David, guess who I'm sitting here dressed as.
David: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me or I am going to hang up.
Michael Scott: I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
Michael Scott: I'm Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa.
Pam: Michael, do not let your imagination run amok.
Michael Scott: Run what?
Pam: Amok. It means, don't let your imagination run out of control.
Michael Scott: Why didn't you just say that, Pam?
Pam: Michael, do not let your imagination run out of control.
Michael Scott: You leaked it?
Pam: I don't know what to do! Do I go tell Jo, or- I don't want everyone to keep blaming the wrong person!
Michael Scott: I don't know what the best plan is, Pam. Oh, God, my mind is going a mile an hour.
Pam: That fast?
Phyllis: It's all the packages he was supposed to overnight. He never bothered to send them.
Michael Scott: All right, those might be his. He might own an eBay store.
Jim: Yep. That's exactly what my first thought was. And then I remembered having a conversation with him where he was like, "I don't own an eBay store," so...
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. You know what? This is disgusting. This is like a witch hunt. This is like the Blair Witch Hunt project.
Michael Scott: [bending Luke over the desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
Luke: What the-?
Michael Scott: That's what you're going to do, Luke!
Luke: What the hell was that?
Michael Scott: I had to do that.
Luke: Hey, [bleep] this! Screw it!
Michael Scott: All right. Are we good? [Luke runs out crying] You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.
Michael Scott: I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. [making a copy] This copier is working perfectly.
Oscar: That's the original.
Michael Scott: Pam, would you stand up for a sec? [sitting down in Pam's chair] See how relaxed I am? I like this chair. Offers good support. It is erkel-nomically correct. It's a good chair. I think we're spoiled because we don't appreciate the things that we have. You think kids in Africa have chairs? No, they sit in big piles of garbage.
Do you think they have copiers? They don't have copiers. They don't even- [standing up] God! They don't even have paper. And we are spoiled because we throw out perfectly good tiramisu because it has a little tiny hair on it. My point is this. I have seen the light in terms of what we need and it is nothing.
Michael Scott: That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens, or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai.
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael Scott: What?
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael Scott: That doesn't really make sense. You don't call them collared people. That's offensive.
Michael Scott: Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just- It's nice to know, at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, "Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening." Makes you feel good.
Michael Scott: Hi, I'm Michael Scott. And, for the next 40 minutes, I am going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance, one of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's dictionary defines wedding as "the fusing of two metals with a hot torch." Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals, gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride, "Marriage!"
Michael Scott: All right, ready. Come on, guys. Early worm gets the worm.
Jim: Another worm, like, are they friends?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's, "Early bird gets the worm."
Michael Scott: Okay.
Michael Scott: Well, I am taking responsibility. An it's up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious, but I'm I am a little stitious.
Michael Scott: Schneider, real quick. What do you call a butt load of lawyers driving off a cliff?
Mr. Schneider: A good start. And I think it's "busload."
Michael Scott: Yeah, a bunch of rich lawyers took the bus. Where'd you find this guy?
Michael Scott: How about a toast? Shall I? Here's to good friends.
Michael Scott: [drinking wine] Mmm. Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth.
Jim: What was that?
Michael Scott: So let's see what we can find out from reading. "Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant."
Jim: I think you mean "smug".
Michael Scott: Arrogance.
Jim: Michael, I'm just trying to-
Michael Scott: And there's our smudgeness.
Michael Scott: What will happen to that family if I call Wallace and give him this information?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's simple. Wallace would use that information to destroy them.
Michael Scott: Okay. You know, our sales are fine. We're doing fine. They're doing fine.
Dwight K. Schrute: Could be better.
Michael Scott: Why don't we live and let live?
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: Live and let live.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not familiar with that.
Michael Scott: It's a James Bond-
Dwight K. Schrute: It doesn't make any sense. Of course, I'm alive.
Pam: That's right.
David: Okay, please continue.
Michael Scott: And Ryan.
David: Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael.
Michael Scott: You know, David? I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family. He is like a son to me.
David: Do you realize what you're asking for here? You're talking about salary plus health benefits.
Michael Scott: And dental this time.
David: Insurance, taxes, social security for three people. This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand. You're talking about a multi-million dollar buyout.
Michael Scott: These are our demands.
David: Your company cannot be worth that much.
Michael Scott: Our company is worth nothing. That's the difference between you and I. Business isn't about money to me, David. If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company. And then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names.
Michael Scott: That's one of 'em, yes! These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court.
David: Okay. Deal.
Phyllis: Ho ho ho! For Stanley! Ho ho ho! You've been very good this year -
Stanley: I have.
Michael Scott: [on microphone] Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible people. What'd you get?
Kevin: He got scented candles!
Michael Scott: [on microphone] Oh, that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockey sticks. You're going to Hell, Stanley.
Michael Scott: You say, "no more parties," and then you spend money on lunch. I think it's a little "hypercritical".
Charles: I do this for every branch I go to. If you do not like it, then I think there are some bagels left over from this morning.
Michael Scott: Jim? I am downloading some n3p music-
Jim: That's not it.
Michael Scott: Yeah. For a CD mix tape for Holly.
Michael Scott: And I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.
Jim: What are the two levels?
Michael Scott: The two levels being welcome to Scranton and I love you.
Jim: Okay, let's start with the "I love you" level.
Michael Scott: Hey, what's the group that was from Scranton that made it big? Was that U2?
Michael Scott: I need you to do something for me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, anything.
Michael Scott: I want you to dig up some dirt on Josh, find out if there are any skeletons in his attic.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll talk to my buddy down at the station, stat.
Michael Scott: We'll see what Dwight says.
Pam: Why do we have to see what Dwight says?
Michael Scott: Because I have him investigating her. I'm waiting for a text update.
Jim: Michael, no.
Pam: No, no, no, no. Undo that. Undo that.
Michael Scott: It's too late to undo it. I need to know. Otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok.
Michael Scott: There he is! There's the traitor. Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! The- The progidal- My son returns!
Jim: Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary.
Michael Scott: I know where this is going.
Jim: Do you?
Michael Scott: No...
Jim: Okay. Remember spider face?
Michael Scott: No.
Jim: Okay. 'Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface.
Michael Scott: Spite her- Okay. [laughter]
Phyllis: What should we ask?
Michael Scott: Hey, can I play? Why don't you ask if Darryl is a bad friend who backstabs people in the back?
Jim: We have one question to ask the spirit world and you want us to ask that?
Michael Scott: Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.