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‘Moving On’ Quotes

The Office: Moving On

916. Moving On

Aired February 14, 2013

Andy tries to break up Erin and Pete. When Pam goes for a job interview in Philadelphia, her prospective boss reminds her of Michael Scott. Meanwhile, Angela helps Dwight care for his elderly aunt.

Quote from Pam

Mark: Hi, I'm Mark.
Pam: Hi, Pam, hello.
Mark: I'm the horrible boss around here, but please don't hire Jamie Foxx to kill me. D'Jango! I don't agree with the use of the "N" word in that movie. It's, it's too soon.
Pam: I'm Pam Halpert.
Mark: Oh, hi. They call me Marky Mark around here, because here at Simon Realty, we are one funky bunch! Come on you guys, raise the roof when I say that! I- What are you all temps again today? Let's go, Gangnam style. [laughs] He's heard Gangnam style, he knows it. Right? That's cause he's American. This is Carl. Uh, he's from here. He's from our neck of the woods. But Gangnam style is great, isn't it?
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Oh my god. He's Michael Scott!

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Quote from Pam

Pam: Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly. It's, um, with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is. [laughs] I'm sorry, I am just very nervous because honestly this is all moving a lot faster than I expected. And, and because my resume can fit on a post-it note.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [on the phone] No, don't just let her eat the grass, she'll puke it right up. Okay, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers. I'm sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she's your aunt too. Fine. I'll see what I can do.

Quote from Pam

Mark: [showing Pam around the Simon Property office] This is not an office so much as it is a uh, rec room with a bunch of computers in it. Frankly, if I had my way, I'd toss the computers in the gar-bage. But unfortunately we use them for practically everything we do. So that ain't gonna happen. He's a temp, don't worry about him. Alice! Alright, stay awake, okay?

Quote from Pam

Mark: [to Pam] My aunt Joan. Oh, uh well, she uh, she worked here before I did, so there's no nepotism involved. In fact, to be honest with you I'm probably a little harder on her than I am on the rest of these people. Can you not work on this... Work on this month's, okay, Nana? Uh, when I say "chillax", people chillax. Watch this. Hey Roger, chillax! Must not have heard me.
Roger: No. I heard you.
Mark: Step this way for The Spanish Inquisition! [laughs] Kids in the Hall. Just, it's not high pressure. Just a little Coffee Talk. Ok? Like butta. Come on in here. Mike Myers.
Pam: [mouths] Oh my god!

Quote from Meredith

Andy: Thank you! Thanks. Thanks a lot. Really appreciate it. You guys are supposed to have my back, okay? Instead you let a guy named Plop steal my girlfriend.
Meredith: Hey, boss, I did everything I could. I invited Pete out for drinks, I emailed him shots of my junk....
Andy: Ugh.
Meredith: Kid doesn't have a romantic bone in his body.

Quote from Gabe

Alice: So you're dating a secretary now? Moving up in the world, Pete.
Pete: She's nice to me.
Alice: How's that P.E. degree coming? That's what he wanted to be. His dream in college was to be a gym teacher.
Erin: Well, guess what? He could still be a gym teacher. In fact, we could all still be gym teachers, so, let's-
Gabe: I technically cannot. I don't have the lung capacity to blow a whistle.
Pete: Oh, my God.

Quote from Stanley

Pam: He sounds like a wounded animal.
Stanley: Should've put him out of his misery and just fired him.
Phyllis: I can't be around sad people, it makes me sad.
Stanley: I'm the same way with horny people.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Yes. Pete and I have started seeing each other and Andy still doesn't know. We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him. And hot for us. I mean, I saw Pete's butt. It's sick.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [jumps out from behind the vending machine] I need you.
Angela: Ah! Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: And you should take breaks more often, I've been waiting there for 45 minutes.
Angela: What? What is it?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's my aunt Shirley. She's on her last legs.
Angela: Dwight, that's awful.
Dwight K. Schrute: You have no idea. I mean her hair, clothes, it's all falling off in great big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit because she was "poisoned" by Aunt Shirley.
Angela: What do you mean by poisoned?
Dwight K. Schrute: Probably nothing. Or strychnine. Or lemonade and strychnine. Which is actually what it was.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: Okay, well I'm very sorry about your aunt.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you.
Angela: But I don't see how this is my problem.
Dwight K. Schrute: Angela. You owe me one, remember? Now please, she's an old woman Angela. She needs a woman's touch. It's all hanging out-
Angela: Ugh.
Dwight K. Schrute: And there's parts of her I don't even recognize.
Angela: Gah.
Dwight K. Schrute: There's this one hanging part in particular, that's some sort of flap.
Angela: It's fine.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's like a prehensile wing or something, you know?
Angela: Ugh! God, I can't. OK, I'll-
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a divet...
Angela: I'll help you!
Dwight K. Schrute: ..where it was and it needs, it needs a...
Angela: Ugh.

Quote from Andy

Pete: I don't know. Women do tend to move on quicker than men.
Andy: Survey says: Eh! Doesn't make me feel better at all. Zero Clark Thirty, what do you got?
Clark: Look at it this way, being a bachelor is not all bad. I mean, you've got your freedom now.
Andy: Last night I ordered a pizza by myself and I ate it over the sink like a rat.
Clark: There you go. Good for you.
Andy: No.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Aunt Shirley, Hello! It's me Dwight.
Shirley: Oh, lookie here. It's big city Dwight. Careful you don't get mud on those fancy town shoes, big city Dwight.
Angela: Hello, Aunt Shirley.
Shirley: Who's this little kitchen witch? She's so tiny like a little kitchen witch.
Dwight K. Schrute: This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes!
Shirley: New clothes? What for? [Aunt Shirley's boob shows]
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Angela: Oh, God.

Quote from Pete

Andy: Darryl, Clark, Toby, Kevin, Plop, take a knee. Alright, you guys are gonna think I'm psycho again. Uh, couldn't shake this feeling that Erin's dating someone so I looked at her phone.
Darryl: Man, you can't do that stuff. You'll only find pain. When my ex-wife got into my e-mail account, she was devastated.
Andy: Too late. I found out she's been texting a guy named Pete. Does anybody know a Pete?
Kevin: Pete...
Clark: Hmm.
Kevin: Pete what?
[aside to camera:]
Pete: It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long, he forgot my real name. Which is Pete.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: Gosh, she drank so much. And so quickly.
Dwight K. Schrute: In her prime, Shirles could put away homemade schnapps morning noon and night.
Shirley: [coughs and laughs in her sleep]
Dwight K. Schrute: Now all it takes is half a liter. She's dreaming. Alright, let's get her out to the yard so you can spray her down.
Angela: Spray her down?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, it's a lot better than it sounds. There's a private shower area. Very tasteful, very rustic.

Quote from Toby

Toby: You can't fire Pete. You understand why, right?
Andy: No.
Toby: Oh, Andy, we had this exact same conversation when you wanted to get rid of Nellie. You can't just get rid of people over grudges.
Andy: Nellie was a professional grudge. This is a purely personal grudge.
Toby: Alright, well look. While I have you here, this is a relationship disclosure form for Pete & Erin.
Andy: They already have a contract? "Mutually agree to-" Ah, every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch.
Toby: It's just boiler plating, you don't have to read it.
Andy: Well, I'm not signing away my rights.
Toby: I already signed it. I was just showing you.
Andy: Okay, well we'll see about that. [crumples paper]
Toby: Andy, it's not the original. And destroying it will not stop them from dating. Andy. [Andy throws paper at him and leaves. Toby straightens the paper out] It's the original.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Shirley: Time to get clean!
Dwight K. Schrute: It's hosing time, Aunt Shirley, have a seat. You're gonna have a hard time hearing her over the roar of the hose.
Angela: You have to use chains?
Dwight K. Schrute: You'll see. Here we go.
Shirley: Let's get this show on the road.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's do it! Ready? Here's a box cutter to get her clothes off.
Angela: Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's get to it.
Angela: No! No!
Dwight K. Schrute: Give it a whirl.
Angela: Dwight, I am not gonna hose your aunt down like some animal.
Shirley: Stop your belly-aching and hose me.
Dwight K. Schrute: I need you to hose my aunt.
Angela: No, Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, you are useless.
Angela: No, Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: Give me the hose!
Angela: No Dwight, I won't- [hoses Dwight]
Dwight K. Schrute: Ah! OK!
Angela: [grunting] I'm gonna give your aunt a proper bath and a haircut like a lady! And you two are gonna shut up about it! Do you have a bathtub?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes ma'am.
Angela: Good.

Quote from Pam

Mark: This is a tiny resume. Papa Smurf! Come back to the mushroom. [Pam laughs] From The Smurfs Movie.
Pam: Yeah, I've seen that with my kids. Um, it is tiny, but I've actually been commissioned by the City of Scranton to paint a mural-
Mark: What does this say here? To ti te per tat... What language is this? Swahili? Oh wait a second [turns paper around], now I can read it.
Pam: Oh, cause it was upside down. [both laugh]
Mark: You're a good audience. [Pam laughs]
Pam: So um-
Mark: Unlike some of these people around here.
Pam: Yeah, the um, the city commissioned me to do the-
Mark: Yeah, we don't have a lot of call for doodling around here. But I like this resume and here's why. It shows that you stick around. Yeah. You don't jump ship easily. Like a lot of these people. [sighs] I mean they worship me you know? But do they like me? I mean, you think they like me, Pam?
Pam: Yes.
Mark: [gets guitar] What if Bob Dylan was your boss? I'm gonna do Dylan! [playing guitar and singing as Bob Dylan] Pam Halpert is my name, and I've been at Dunder Mifflin for seven years? Eight years? Eight years, man. Got the Dunder Mifflin blues. Got the Pam Halpert blues. Got the pra- Went to the Pratt Institute...You have children?
Pam: Two children, yes.
Mark: You wrote Art and Painting, kinda the same thing. Kinda the same thing. Sometimes I repeat myself, but that's just being Pam. Well, I'm kinda cute and I'm- but I'm married so...leave that be.

Quote from Pam

Mark: Nothing to see here! Boss at work. This will be your desk. Right up front. Best seat on the roller coaster, you must be this tall to ride this ride. No pregnant women allowed. Are you? Uh, yeah I don't- I'm not allowed to ask. So...
Pam: I am not pr-
Mark: You're not.
Pam: Pregnant, no.
Mark: I didn't ask her if she was pregnant. She just offered it. The last three girls here all got pregnant.
Pam: Wow.
Mark: Don't be afraid, it's a different chair. I don't want a guy up here. I want to you know, see a woman come in and do a great job. Something that, I have to look out this window, I want someone-
Pam: I'm sorry I thought this job was for the position of office manager.
Mark: It is. Yeah, you would, uh, manage this office. Answer the phones and forward the calls and uh you know, go for a coffee run now and again.
Pam: So, kinda like a receptionist.
Mark: Yeah, like a receptionist, but we call you the office manager because, uh, it's less demeaning. By the way, how long are these, uh, cameras gonna be following you around? Because I think this is pretty cool. [whistles] Pretty pretty cool. Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you like that show?
Pam: Yes.
Mark: Well, I think they indulge themselves a little too much. I like scripted.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: I spent 10 years as a receptionist, to Michael Scott. And I have kids now. And I just, I can't.

Quote from Erin

Alice: I'm here from BCI Marketing Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard.
Erin: Yes. The consultant. Andy said you can start right away so I will take you to your desk.
Alice: Okay, great. Thanks.
Meredith: Fresh meat! Fresh meat! [Making kissing noises]
Erin: Just keep walking, don't give her anything. She'll take it and run. I'm Erin by the way.
Alice: Nice to meet you. Cute sweater.
Erin: Oh, thanks. Your shoes match. I'm bad at small talk.

Quote from Gabe

Creed: Hey, Erin, look who's back. The bird man.
Gabe: Hello beautiful.
Kevin: Didn't you two used to do it?
Gabe: We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that.

Quote from Toby

Toby: This is the prison. Uh, I am not going in there with expectations, per se. Uh, I will meet George Howard Scubb. I will tell him that I believe he is innocent. I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me. I would understand if a friendship began. How did, how did Bogart put it? [imitating Humphrey Bogart] I think this is a start of my first friendship.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: You know, times were tough. I was unemployed, I was still heart-broken over you, I've lost a good fifty pounds. But as you can see I put all that weight right back on. Feel how fat my buttocks are. Yeah, it's crazy. Touch it. It's like a warm pumpkin.
Erin: So Andy just called you up out of the blue?
Gabe: Yeah. He told me you two broke up.
Erin: Yeah.
Gabe: You must be pretty horny.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: Well, the good news is no more guilty conscience. At least you know he is the strangler. The proof is in the grip. Did they say when the vocal cords would heal? [Toby nods in his neck brace] One week? [Toby shakes head] Okay, two weeks? [Toby nods] Okay. You offered your neck in search of the truth. The proud neck of justice. Isn't that the expression? No. Well, anyway, it was, it was very brave. It really was quite brave.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Shirley: I feel like a show pony.
Dwight K. Schrute: And you look like one, too. Thank you, Angela.
Angela: You're welcome. Would you like some stew?
Dwight K. Schrute: By all means. And I will carve the roast skunk. Angela? Would you like the stink sack?
Angela: Is it any good?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, you don't eat it. It's a toy, like a wish bone. You know, prettiest girl gets the stink sack.
Angela: Thank you.
Shirley: So, when's the wedding?
Angela: Um, actually uh, we are just friends.
Shirley: That's what Mose said about his lady scarecrow and look what he did to that poor thing.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Oh my gosh, is that champagne?
Jim: Si, senor.
Pam: Oh, Jim I should have told you I didn't get the job.
Jim: Oh man. I'm so sorry. Are you alright?
Pam: Oh, yeah. I'm more than alright. There's just nothing to celebrate.
Jim: Are you kidding? We're in Philly. We're having dinner together. And this is just consolation champagne. It's from the part of France that immediately gave up to the Nazis. Here.
Pam: [laughs] You're very quick on your feet. I remember you. Funny.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Well, gosh. Thank you for your help today. Your perspective was very useful. Thank you.
Angela: It was not an unpleasant way to spend an afternoon. [They shake hands. Then kiss] Dwight, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Right. Not outside. The horseflies. You know what? My farm is only a few acres east of here. Or, we could use the slaughterhouse.
Angela: No, Dwight. The Senator.
Dwight K. Schrute: Leave him. He probably won't even notice that you're gone. Be with me, Monkey.
Angela: I can't be your monkey, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse. We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together. The eighty or ninety years that I have left in this life... I want to spend with you.
Angela: I made a vow. I gave my word.
Dwight K. Schrute: Stand by your man. It's what I would want if you were mine.
Angela: Good night, D.

Quote from Gabe

Erin: Hey, Andy, is this at all work related?
Andy: We'll get to that. Gabe, did Erin ever tell you that she loves you?
Gabe: [laughs] Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. She wouldn't even let me say it. It was adorable. She would plug her ears and scream her heat out.
Erin: Gabe, can you stop talking? 'cause every word out of your mouth is like the squawk of an ugly pelican.
Gabe: I got a tattoo for you.
Erin: I didn't ask you to get that Nike Swoosh. Nobody did! You did that for you!
Gabe: Just do it. You were the it that I was just doing.

Quote from Pam

Pam: So, imagine like the real estate version of Michael Scott and that was this guy. He did half the interview as Ace Ventura.
Jim: Tell me about the cologne. How much?
Pam: Oh, uh, entire bottle. At least.
Jim: You're definitely hoarding this by the way.
Pam: Guess what poster he had on his wall?
Jim: ... Austin Powers.
Pam: Nuh-uh.
Jim: Ferris Bueller.
Pam: Nuh-uh. You're getting colder.
Jim: Not Night at the Roxbury.
Pam: [laughs] No. The Odd Life of Timothy Green.
Jim: I'm sorry, how did you think I was expected to guess that?
Pam: I don't know, but it's interesting right?
Jim: It's fascinating.
Pam: He said he can't help but tear up when he looks at it. It's like right next to his desk. He must look at it twenty times a day.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: I watch way too many ads online and I don't do enough situps. So I bought these. Now, every time an ad pops up online, I get 30 seconds of ab blasting. I call it Ads for Abs. Ironically, I learned about the boots from an ad online.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: What kind of music are you into, Peter?
Pete: Uh, I like all kinds of music, Gabe.
Gabe: Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the white knights of the Ku Klux Klan?
Pete: No!
Gabe: Erin, are you even hearing this?
Erin: Gabe, he didn't even say that.


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