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43Quotes from ‘Take Your Daughter to Work Day’

The Office: Take Your Daughter to Work Day

218. Take Your Daughter to Work Day

Aired March 16, 2006

Michael is uncomfortable with all the children at the office on "Take Your Daughter to Work Day".

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kids' environment. This is like HBO. No limits. Who knows what I'm gonna say? Crazy stuff. And it is "R" rated. It is not rated "G." I am like Eddie Murphy in Raw. And they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in Daddy Day Care. Both great movies, but still.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: That was Greensleeves, a traditional English ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now, a very special treat. A book my grom-mutter used to read me when I was a kid. This is a very special story. It's called Struwwelpeterl by Heinrich Hoffmann from 1864. "The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs." Are you listening, Sasha? Right? "And ere they dream what he's about, he takes his great sharp scissors out and then cuts their thumbs clean off."
Michael Scott: Dwight, Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: There's a photo.
Michael Scott: What the hell are you reading to them?
Dwight K. Schrute: These are cautionary tales for kids. My grom-mutter used to read them.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. [chuckling] No, they didn't eat the children. It never came to that.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: That little girl is a child! I don't wanna see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. Do you understand?
Ryan: Yes, sir.
Stanley: Boy, have you lost your mind?
Ryan: No.
Stanley: 'Cause I'll help you find it. What you looking for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. Jesus can come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: No, no, no, no. No. The kids don't wanna hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.
Sasha: What's a Nazi?
Michael Scott: What's a Nazi?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nazi was a fascist movement-
Michael Scott: Don't!
Dwight K. Schrute: From the 1930s in Germany-
Michael Scott: Don't, don't talk about Nazis in front of. You know what? They're gonna have nightmares. Why don't you just shut it?
Dwight K. Schrute: I was gonna teach the children how to make cornhusk dolls.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This is where the magic happens. Right over here. Let me show you this. See all these? You know what that is? That's paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions?
Melissa: So, you cut the paper and dye it and stuff?
Michael Scott: No, we don't actually cut the paper. That's a good question. The paper is sent to us, cut and dyed, from a paper manufacturer. And then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it.
Abby: That's not fair. No.
Michael Scott: Yes, it is. Well...
Abby: No.
Michael Scott: You need someone in the middle to facilitate.
Jake: You're just a middleman.
Michael Scott: I'm not just a middleman.
Melissa: Wait. Why doesn't the sawmill just sell the paper directly to people?
Michael Scott: You are describing Office Depot. And they're kind of running us out of business.
Dwight K. Schrute: We have better service than they do.

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: This is Creed. And he is in charge of something. Right?
Creed: That is correct.
Michael Scott: Say hi to the kids.
Creed: Hi, kids. Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?
Michael Scott: What are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! Just- No, no, no, no, no! Would you cut it out? What is your problem?
Creed: The hair covers it up mostly.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, we're not gonna see the four-toed Creed, okay?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives. They're adults, for God's sake.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it. And I am going to do it. I need a username. And I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover." That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I am actually looking forward to "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." I am not great with kids, but I wanna get better because I'm getting married. So I put out a bunch of extra candy on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. Like the witch in Hansel and Gretel.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It's not that children make me uncomfortable. It's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hi, children. I'm Michael Scott and I am in charge of this place. [muttering] How do I make you understand- I am like Superman. And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
Jim & Dwight: That's Batman.
Michael Scott: Okay. I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?
Jim & Dwight: The ocean.
Michael Scott: I work with a bunch of nerds.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hmm. Hello, tiny one.
Toby: [to his daughter] Come on.
Dwight K. Schrute: You are the future.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: This is my file cabinet. Oh... Oh, this is the partition between my desk and Angela's. [aside to camera:] Abby's my fiancee Stacey's daughter. I think she'll have a good time. I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. Actually, I better go check.

Quote from Angela

Toby: Okay, tell them what you wanted to say.
Toby's daughter: Do you need any help?
Angela: No. Thanks. We'd have to explain everything. It's probably just easier if we do it ourselves.
Toby: All right, I wasn't expecting that. Let's go draw.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jake: Do you have any computer games?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, I don't have computer games on my work computer. That would be inappropriate.
Jake: Yeah, Meredith doesn't have any either. It's so lame here.
Dwight K. Schrute: You call your mom, Meredith? That's very disrespectful.
Jake: Whatever, okay?
Dwight K. Schrute: You can refer to me as Mr. Schrute.
Jake: That's your name? Mr. Poop?
Dwight K. Schrute: Schrute. Mr. Schrute.
Jake: Sure, Mr. Poop.
Dwight K. Schrute: [softly] Schrute.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Okay. Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why don't you just leave, okay?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Jake: Bye, Mr. Poop.
Michael Scott: All right. There goes Mr. Poop.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Children cannot lie. They are innocent and they speak the truth. And out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool.

Quote from Angela

Angela: You know, I never misbehaved in front of my father because he was a very strict disciplinarian. I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities.

Quote from Michael Scott

Edward R. Meow: [on tape] What's your favorite subject in school?
Young Michael: Recess.
Edward R. Meow: Recess. So, tell me, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
Young Michael: I wanna be married and have a 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.
Edward R. Meow: ... Okay. Well, nice talking with you, Michael. Back to you, Miss Trudy.

Quote from Jim

Pam: He's not coming out. He won't pick up the phone.
Jim: I can't believe his mom dressed him like that. That's the real tragedy.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jake: Mr. Poop, I have to tell you something.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. But first, that's not my name.
Jake: You're ugly.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So...
Jake: Meredith! [wailing]

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: I got permission to bring Jakey in to work. Which is great because he got suspended this week and now I don't have to pay for a sitter.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Name's Pam. Miss Beesly, if you're nasty. Janet Jackson. Hey, you having a wardrobe malfunction there-
Pam: Michael, you can't be nasty today. Because of that. [points to sign saying "Welcome Daughters"]
Michael Scott: Oh, God. Is that today?

Quote from Michael Scott

Stanley: Michael, you remember my daughter, Melissa.
Michael Scott: Oh, yes. Hello, how are you? Good to see you. Wow, you've really grown up. You know what? If you don't mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the frat boys away from her.
Melissa: I'm in eighth grade.
Michael Scott: Oh.
Stanley: She's in middle school.
Michael Scott: Yeah, middle school's amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Oh, my God. She is so cute I wanna die. Don't you just love kids, Angela?
Angela: I guess I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys.
Kelly: God, I cannot wait to get pregnant and have babies.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun. And I'm learning that fun for Kelly is getting married and having babies, immediately, with me.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one.

Quote from Jim

Jim: What are you reading?
Abby: From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.
Jim: Best book.
Abby: Yeah, but I've read it before.
Jim: So have I. Hey, question: If you had to spend the night in the Met or the aquarium, which would it be?
Abby: Definitely the aquarium.
Jim: Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that. You don't wanna help me with some of my sales, do you? 'Cause I'm kind of swamped.
Abby: Sure.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, you know what that is? That is a train whistle. Like I'm the conductor. But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here. Right? [whistle tooting] You wanna try?
Sasha: Sure. [whistle tooting]
Michael Scott: All aboard for sales! Next stop, Kukabonga.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Ow, ow, ow. You broke my hand!
Dwight K. Schrute: There is no way that hurt.
Jim: Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Little girl, come over here. Shake my hand. Come on. I don't have all day. I don't feel anything.
Nothing. [to Jim] You're so weak.

Quote from Phyllis

Sasha: [to Phyllis] Are you Mother Goose?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know, there's something interesting about me that you might want to know. I used to be the star of a kids' show.
Children: No way!
Michael Scott: It's true. I did.
Melissa: You serious?
Michael Scott: I am totally serious. There was a show called Fundle Bundle and I was the star.
Abby: That doesn't sound like a show.
Michael Scott: It's true. I can prove it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dickson City. And if she is at the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked. I want you to boost yourself up.
Ryan: All right.
Michael Scott: I want you to go down to the basement. In the basement is a tape labeled "Fundle Bundle." I want you to grab it. I want you to get my guitar.
Ryan: Right. Okay.
Michael Scott: I want you to get a tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott, when he was a child star and a show that you might remember called Fundle Bundle. Okay, without further ado, Ryan.
Woman: [on tape] Fundle, are you ready? [Children excitedly scream] Let's have some fun!
Michael Scott: That is Miss Trudy. You can't tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can fast-forward. And I want you- Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop. Yes! That is Edward R. Meow. That's pretty funny. Yes.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: Is that Chet Montgomery?
Michael Scott: I don't know.
Pam: That is!
Phyllis: He's the meteorologist from channel 5.
Darryl: "Checking in with Chet. Doppler 7." That guy's legit.
Edward R. Meow: [on tape] What do you wanna be when you grow up?
Chet: I wanna be on TV.
Dwight K. Schrute: And he is on TV now!
Michael Scott: Would everybody please shut up? Please. So you don't miss it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Melissa: Did you get married?
Michael Scott: No.
Melissa: Why not?
Michael Scott: It just never happened.
Sasha: So, do you have any kids?
Michael Scott: Uh, nope.
Jake: Do you have a girlfriend?
Michael Scott: I do okay.
Melissa: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jake: Even I have a girlfriend.
Michael Scott: Okay. All right. Okay.
Sasha: So, you didn't get to be what you wanted to be?
Michael Scott: I guess not.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Tell me something honestly. Do you think that it is too late for me to have kids?
Toby: Well, you need a wife first. Or at least a girlfriend.
Michael Scott: What about-
Toby: Not Jan.

Quote from Toby

Toby: If you really wanna have kids, I guess you could somehow- A foster parent or something.
Michael Scott: Or biologically.
Toby: Somehow.
Michael Scott: Thanks. That's- No, that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather? Because-
Toby: Yes.

Quote from Pam

Jake: Is it okay if I take one?
Pam: Sure.
Jake: Thank you.
Pam: You're welcome.
Jake: Is your job hard?
Pam: It's not too bad. I get to shred things sometimes. Do you wanna see?
Jake: Yeah!
Pam: Really?
Jake: Yeah.
Pam: Okay. Here it is. Don't put your fingers in there. Cool, huh?
Jake: That's so cool, yeah!
Pam: Yeah, I get to do this, like, every week.
Jake: That's so awesome.
Pam: I know.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Go ahead.
Abby: Do you wanna come over for dinner tonight?
Jim: Oh, man, I would love to. I can't tonight. But can I come over some other time?
Kevin: What are you doing? You never have plans.
Jim: Thanks, Kev. I'm actually going on a date.
Kevin: Nice.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, no please. You can't leave yet. There's still one more thing we need to do.
[playing guitar & singing] You who are on the road Must have a code that you can live by
Jim & Dwight: And so become yourself Because the past is just a good bye And teach your children well-
Jim: Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play.
Pam: I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer.


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