Michael Scott: Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kids' environment. This is like HBO. No limits. Who knows what I'm gonna say? Crazy stuff. And it is "R" rated. It is not rated "G." I am like Eddie Murphy in Raw. And they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in Daddy Day Care. Both great movies, but still.

Dwight K. Schrute: The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. [chuckling] No, they didn't eat the children. It never came to that.

Dwight K. Schrute: That was Greensleeves, a traditional English ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now, a very special treat. A book my grom-mutter used to read me when I was a kid. This is a very special story. It's called Struwwelpeterl by Heinrich Hoffmann from 1864. "The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs." Are you listening, Sasha? Right? "And ere they dream what he's about, he takes his great sharp scissors out and then cuts their thumbs clean off."
Michael Scott: Dwight, Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: There's a photo.
Michael Scott: What the hell are you reading to them?
Dwight K. Schrute: These are cautionary tales for kids. My grom-mutter used to read them.

Michael Scott: This is Creed. And he is in charge of something. Right?
Creed: That is correct.
Michael Scott: Say hi to the kids.
Creed: Hi, kids. Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?
Michael Scott: What are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! Just- No, no, no, no, no! Would you cut it out? What is your problem?
Creed: The hair covers it up mostly.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, we're not gonna see the four-toed Creed, okay?

Stanley: That little girl is a child! I don't wanna see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. Do you understand?
Ryan: Yes, sir.
Stanley: Boy, have you lost your mind?
Ryan: No.
Stanley: 'Cause I'll help you find it. What you looking for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. Jesus can come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child.

Michael Scott: No, no, no, no. No. The kids don't wanna hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.
Sasha: What's a Nazi?
Michael Scott: What's a Nazi?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nazi was a fascist movement-
Michael Scott: Don't!
Dwight K. Schrute: From the 1930s in Germany-
Michael Scott: Don't, don't talk about Nazis in front of. You know what? They're gonna have nightmares. Why don't you just shut it?
Dwight K. Schrute: I was gonna teach the children how to make cornhusk dolls.

Michael Scott: This is where the magic happens. Right over here. Let me show you this. See all these? You know what that is? That's paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions?
Melissa: So, you cut the paper and dye it and stuff?
Michael Scott: No, we don't actually cut the paper. That's a good question. The paper is sent to us, cut and dyed, from a paper manufacturer. And then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it.
Abby: That's not fair. No.
Michael Scott: Yes, it is. Well...
Abby: No.
Michael Scott: You need someone in the middle to facilitate.
Jake: You're just a middleman.
Michael Scott: I'm not just a middleman.
Melissa: Wait. Why doesn't the sawmill just sell the paper directly to people?
Michael Scott: You are describing Office Depot. And they're kind of running us out of business.
Dwight K. Schrute: We have better service than they do.

Michael Scott: Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it. And I am going to do it. I need a username. And I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover." That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Michael Scott: I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives. They're adults, for God's sake.

Pam: I am actually looking forward to "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." I am not great with kids, but I wanna get better because I'm getting married. So I put out a bunch of extra candy on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. Like the witch in Hansel and Gretel.