Michael Scott: Why did I do it? I don't know. Jan said that it was because of the photo that she revealed the diary. But she already brought the diary with her to New York. So... You expect to get screwed by your company. But you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.

Jan: People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.

Mr. Schneider: Can you go back to where this digression began?
Stenographer: "Mr. Schneider: 'And you were directly under her the entire time?' Mr. Scott: 'That's what she said.'"
Michael Scott: Well... Delivery's all wrong. She's butchering it.

Lester Synder: How long have you known the plaintiff?
Michael Scott: I haven't actually seen it. But I have seen The Firm, and I plan on renting The Pelican Brief.
Mr. Schneider: How long have you known Ms. Levinson?
Michael Scott: Six years and two months.
Mr. Schneider: And you were directly under her the entire time?
Michael Scott: That's what she said.
Mr. Schneider: Excuse me?
Michael Scott: That's what she said.
Mr. Schneider: Ms. Levinson told you that she was your direct superior?
Michael Scott: Wh- Why would she say that?
Jan: Can we just move on to another question?

Stenographer: "Mr. Scott, do you realize you just contradicted yourself?" "I did?" "Yes." "Can I go to the bathroom?" "I really have to. I've been drinking lots of water." "You went 5 minutes ago." "That wasn't to go to the bathroom. That was to get out of a question." "You still have to answer it." "First, can I go to the bathroom?" "No."

Pam: Every time Michael's in a meeting, he makes me come in and give him a Post-it note telling him who's on the phone. I did it once, and he freaked out. He loved it so much. The thing is, he doesn't get that many calls. So he has me make them up every ten minutes.

Dwight K. Schrute: All of my heroes are table tennis players. Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wong Tao, Jorg Rosskopf, and, of course, Ashraf Helmy. I even have a life-size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall. And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go to the hall of fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.

Kelly: I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, "Your mom is so fat, she could eat internet." But smack talk is happening, like, right now. Like, "You're ugly, and I know it for a fact, 'cause I got the evidence right there."

Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott, this is a copy of a particularly negative performance review. Would you mind reading the date on that, please?
Michael Scott: March 17th.
Diane Kelly: And that would be a month after your relationship became official. Is that correct?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Diane Kelly: You may read the highlighted portion out loud, if you'd like to.
Michael Scott: "I'm out of carrots. I'm out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee and a poor branch manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and reassigned to sales, where he belongs."
Diane Kelly: After hearing that, wouldn't you say that Ms. Levinson's judgment is at least very seriously flawed? Mr. Scott?

Michael Scott: Schneider, real quick. What do you call a butt load of lawyers driving off a cliff?
Mr. Schneider: A good start. And I think it's "busload."
Michael Scott: Yeah, a bunch of rich lawyers took the bus. Where'd you find this guy?