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‘The Deposition’ Quotes

The Office: The Deposition

412. The Deposition

Aired November 15, 2007

Michael and Jan head to New York for the deposition of her wrongful termination suit. Back in Scranton, Pam encourages Jim to up his ping-pong game so he can finally defeat Darryl.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why did I do it? I don't know. Jan said that it was because of the photo that she revealed the diary. But she already brought the diary with her to New York. So... You expect to get screwed by your company. But you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.

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Quote from Jan

Jan: People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.

Quote from Michael Scott

Mr. Schneider: Can you go back to where this digression began?
Stenographer: "Mr. Schneider: 'And you were directly under her the entire time?' Mr. Scott: 'That's what she said.'"
Michael Scott: Well... Delivery's all wrong. She's butchering it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Lester Synder: How long have you known the plaintiff?
Michael Scott: I haven't actually seen it. But I have seen The Firm, and I plan on renting The Pelican Brief.
Mr. Schneider: How long have you known Ms. Levinson?
Michael Scott: Six years and two months.
Mr. Schneider: And you were directly under her the entire time?
Michael Scott: That's what she said.
Mr. Schneider: Excuse me?
Michael Scott: That's what she said.
Mr. Schneider: Ms. Levinson told you that she was your direct superior?
Michael Scott: Wh- Why would she say that?
Jan: Can we just move on to another question?

Quote from Michael Scott

Stenographer: "Mr. Scott, do you realize you just contradicted yourself?" "I did?" "Yes." "Can I go to the bathroom?" "I really have to. I've been drinking lots of water." "You went 5 minutes ago." "That wasn't to go to the bathroom. That was to get out of a question." "You still have to answer it." "First, can I go to the bathroom?" "No."

Quote from Pam

Pam: Every time Michael's in a meeting, he makes me come in and give him a Post-it note telling him who's on the phone. I did it once, and he freaked out. He loved it so much. The thing is, he doesn't get that many calls. So he has me make them up every ten minutes.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: All of my heroes are table tennis players. Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wong Tao, Jorg Rosskopf, and, of course, Ashraf Helmy. I even have a life-size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall. And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go to the hall of fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, "Your mom is so fat, she could eat internet." But smack talk is happening, like, right now. Like, "You're ugly, and I know it for a fact, 'cause I got the evidence right there."

Quote from Jan

Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott, this is a copy of a particularly negative performance review. Would you mind reading the date on that, please?
Michael Scott: March 17th.
Diane Kelly: And that would be a month after your relationship became official. Is that correct?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Diane Kelly: You may read the highlighted portion out loud, if you'd like to.
Michael Scott: "I'm out of carrots. I'm out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee and a poor branch manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and reassigned to sales, where he belongs."
Diane Kelly: After hearing that, wouldn't you say that Ms. Levinson's judgment is at least very seriously flawed? Mr. Scott?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Schneider, real quick. What do you call a butt load of lawyers driving off a cliff?
Mr. Schneider: A good start. And I think it's "busload."
Michael Scott: Yeah, a bunch of rich lawyers took the bus. Where'd you find this guy?

Quote from Pam

Pam: The warehouse got a ping-pong table last week. Now Jim comes down and plays with Darryl. Sometimes, I bring him juice. My boyfriend is 12.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball.
Jim couldn't hit a ping-pong ball of the size of the moon.
Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at ping-pong?

Quote from Michael Scott

Mr. Schneider: Did Ms. Levinson ever say why she thought she was being fired?
Michael Scott: She thought it had to do with the twins. That's what I call them.
Mr. Schneider: Can you be more specific? Who are the twins?
Michael Scott: To be delicate, they hang off milady's chest. They make milk.
Mr. Schneider: You don't need to go any further. Her breasts.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Mr. Schneider: She thought it had something to do with her recent breast surgery.
Michael Scott: Yes, and, frankly, the timing was nothing short of predominant.

Quote from Michael Scott

Diane Kelly: Okay, the company has just a few clarifying questions, Mr. Scott, if that's okay with you.
Michael Scott: I will allow it.
Diane Kelly:Would you mind, please, just taking a quick look at this photograph, please?
Michael Scott: Uh.
Diane Kelly: That is you and Ms. Levinson in Jamaica. Is that correct?
Michael Scott: Uh-huh.
Diane Kelly: And that photograph was taken more than two months prior to the start of your relationship. Does that sound right? Mr. Scott, the time line here is actually very important. Please, when did your relationship actually begin?
Michael Scott: Well, depends on how you define "began." I mean, if it was from the first time we shook hands, it's like six years ago. The first time we kissed, it's like two years ago.
Diane Kelly: Wait. Excuse me?
Michael Scott: If it was from the first time we kissed sober, it was, like, four months after that.
Mr. Schneider: Could we take a short break?
Diane Kelly: No. Are you telling me that your relationship began two years ago and not in February, as you previously testified to here?
Michael Scott: Line.
Diane Kelly: I'm sorry, what?
The Mediator: He asked for a line, like in a play.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Jan and I had an on-again, off-again relationship for two years. And I know this destroys her case. And I am sorry. But I throw myself at the mercy of the deposition.
Diane Kelly: Thank you, Mr. Scott. That's all we needed to know.
Mr. Schneider: Wait. We'd like to enter in the record a page from Michael Scott's personal journal.
Michael Scott: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing with my diary?
Mr. Schneider: This is plaintiff's exhibit 107. I quote from an entry dated January 4 of this past year. "Just got back from Jamaica. Tan almost everywhere. Jan almost everywhere. Hee hee. Oh, diary, what a week. I had sex with my boss. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere. Jan was very specific 'that this is not going anywhere.' That it was a one-time mistake. But we had sex six times, so you tell me. I am definitely feeling very eerie."
Michael Scott: Irie.
Mr. Schneider: Irie, sorry. "More tomorrow. Xoxo, Michael." It would appear that neither you nor Ms. Levinson considered you had a relationship in any sense of the word, is that correct?
Diane Kelly: We'll need to see a copy of that entire journal before-
Michael Scott: I don't think anyone in this room has a right to read my diary.
Diane Kelly: It's basic discovery. We have the right to review it.
The mediator: Okay, let's make ten copies of this diary.
Toby: Um. Could you make it 11?
The mediator: 11, sure. And we'll break for lunch so everyone can have a look.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How could you give up my diary?
Jan: I had to. I'm sorry, but I need to win this. We need to win this.
Michael Scott: How'd you even find it?
Jan: You keep it under my side of the mattress.
Michael Scott: I don't like the lump.

Quote from Toby

Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott, who is this other woman Ryan, who you refer to here as "just as hot as Jan, but in a different way."
Michael Scott: Not a woman, just a cool, great-looking best friend.
Mr. Schneider: Aren't we trying to determine whether Michael and Jan were engaged in a romantic affair. Not Michael and this Ryan person.
Toby: [laughing] Excuse me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: All right. All right. This is the way I see it. Yes, I had sex with Jan. And, yes, I did consider Jan to be my girlfriend. However, Jan clearly did not consider me to be her boyfriend. So her actions are completely rightful.
Diane Kelly: Okay, Mr. Scott. It's admirable, the way you defend a woman who is so obviously ambivalent about her relationship with you.
Michael Scott: Thank you very much. You didn't have to say that.
Diane Kelly: Considering she consistently gave you such poor performance reviews.
Michael Scott: That was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce. And she was drinking a lot.
Diane Kelly: Okay.
Michael Scott: Of water.

Quote from Kelly

Pam: Yes! Way to go. See that?
Kelly: Yeah, the floppy-haired girl you date won a point.


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