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37Quotes from ‘WUPHF.com’

The Office: WUPHF.com

709. WUPHF.com

Aired November 18, 2010

After Ryan talks his coworkers into investing in his start-up WUPHF.com, everyone except Michael gets nervous about losing their money. Meanwhile, Dwight relives a piece of his childhood when he opens a Hay Place on Schrute Farm.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Yes, I have a dream. And It's not some M.L.K. Dream for Equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press, and it'll launch that lighthouse into space.

Quote from Jim

[Jim sits at his desk and phones Gabe with his doctored audio of Jo ready:]
Gabe: [answering phone] Gabe Lewis.
Jo: Now listen here, Gabe, you're too fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat. I made some changes to my book. See if you like them.
Gabe: Well, Jo-
Jo: Now, I love reading and I hate being interrupted. Shut up and listen, you gay bastard. Chapter One. I was born, not into luxury, nor poverty. But into adversity, and for that, I thank the Lord. My father was a man. That's all we can know. After I learned to ride a bike, there was no stopping me. I would ride up Magnolia Street and down Azalea Lane. Which would later become my paper round.
Jim: [opens door to Gabe's office] All right, good night, Gabe. Just wanted to say thanks again. 'cause I really think I made good use of my day. Oh, sorry.
Jo: I have always been a fighter. And fate has obliged me with plenty of battles, the first being a hard-

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Ah, this is good hay. Yeah, this is the good stuff. Mattress quality.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Every fall, my Uncle Eldred used to build us a maze out of hay bales for us kids to play in. We called it "Hay Place". Eldred Called it "Hay World". Eventually lawyers were brought in. But that's all behind us. Hay Place lives on!

Quote from Jim

Jim: I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding Cece, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let's be honest, if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob, I can pretty much sell anything. [laughs]

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: Is this job really about the money for you, Jim? I mean, isn't this where you fell in love?
Jim: A commission cap takes away my incentive to sell. So you realize I now have no reason to work, right?
Gabe: When you're dealing with a large organization, sometimes you have to put up with policies you don't like. I wish my gym didn't allow full nudity in the locker room. Okay, seeing these old guys walking around naked feels almost passive-aggressive. But I deal with it. 'Cause it's policy. See what I mean?
Jim: Nope.
Gabe: Nudity makes me uncomfortable.
Jim: Okay.
Gabe: My gym allows it. I wish they didn't, but it's policy. So I respect it, and I just keep a low- You know, I look away. Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Hey, I'm WUPHF.
Michael Scott: [wearing Ryan's glasses] I'm Facebook.
Ryan: What's up Facebook?
Michael Scott: I sent you a Facebook message yesterday, I still haven't heard anything back.
Ryan: You should've sent me a WUPHF.
Michael Scott: A what?
Ryan: When you send a WUPHF, it goes to your home phone, Email, Facebook, Twitter and home screen. All at the same time.
Ryan and Michael: WUPHF.com!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hello! Welcome to Hay Place! A place for hay.
Guy: Don't forget to make a broom.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, and the Petting Zoo closes at 2:00, and the Goat Roast is at 3:00. Come on in, enjoy!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey kids, was that fun?
All: Yeah!
Dwight K. Schrute: All Right!
Little Boy: I wanna go on it again.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, I bet you do. You know what? When I was a little kid, they couldn't get me off the hayride! But it's gonna cost you three more bucks.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Wow, this brings back memories. Hay stacking, hay throwing... and at the end of it all, one lucky boy would be crowned Hay King. I always wanted to be Hay King. The world shines on Mose.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Little Girl: I found the needle in the haystack!
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, congratulations! Do you know what your prize is?
Little Girl: I don't know.
Dwight K. Schrute: Nothing. Life Lesson: Some tasks are not worth doing.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Is it any particular branch of Washington University?
Ryan: The Washington University Public Health Fund.
Darryl: W.U.P.H.F.
Pam: Oh, God!
Darryl: They only want it for the initials.
Ryan: The domain name. Yeah, they do.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello.
Ryan: Hey. It's an ambush here. Nobody here believes in this company. Will you tell them they're wrong?
Darryl: It's not that we don't believe in the company, We don't believe in you.
Andy: All those in favor of selling, say aye.
Michael Scott: I. Do not agree to sell, which is to say nay.
Darryl: What is wrong with you? What happened to you in high school?
Stanley: Michael, are you that blind?
Michael Scott: I'm not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. And he's also clever. And he shoots incredibly high. And he may just make it. But you know what? Even if he doesn't, I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The world sends people your way. Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt. Jim, that guy is an ace. Dwight is my king up my sleeve. Phyllis is my old maid. Oscar is my queen. That's easy. Gimme a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the instruction card you throw away. Pam's a solid seven. And yeah, you know what? Ryan is probably, like, a two. But sometimes twos can be wild. So watch out. And I am obviously the joker. So... [phone rings, computer chimes, dog barks] That's, uh...
Robotic Voice: WUPHF, from Ryan Howard. Decided to sell company. Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride
Michael Scott: Thank God.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: WUPHF T-Shirts. Who wants one? Just imagine that you're at spring break, Daytona Beach.
Michael Scott: Here we go.
Ryan: Okay, everyone's like, "Hey Dude, whats up with all the hotties in the WUPHF shirts?" Or, Uh, "Hey, what's up with that helicopter? It's Ry from WUPHF!"
Michael Scott: "It's Ryan the WUPHF guy!"
Ryan: "Yo, Ry from WUPHF!"
Michael Scott: "He's up there."
Ryan: "What's he dropping?! Wow, what's falling on us, man?!" WUPHF condoms! 50,000 condoms out of the sky!
Michael Scott: Look at that! He threw 'em on the ground!
Darryl: Look, this is a marketing campaign. You got nine days. Let's say you do get the money. What are you going to do with it?
Ryan: The first lesson of Silicon Valley, actually, is that you only think about the user, the experience. You actually don't think about the money. Ever.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Well, since I have no incentive to sell, I've cleaned my car, organized my desk, and taken a multivitamin. So... what now?

Quote from Ryan

Michael Scott: Look at that. Triple your investment by January.
Andy: Anyone can just throw numbers up on a chart. What are you doing to make it happen?
Ryan: Well, earlier today, I was emailing someone by the name of John Legend.
Michael Scott: There you go.
Andy: You have his email?
Ryan: A lot of these guys are just Mac.com, @ their website, whatever. We get that guy WUPHFing, it's all over.

Quote from Stanley

Darryl: [opens the door to Ryan's office, grabs him by the shirt and pulls him out] Consider it a WUPHF in person. Andy: You're doing the wrong thing. You're gonna lose Michael's investment. You're gonna lose ours.
Darryl: You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back. Tell Mike To Sell.
Andy: If you tell Michael to sell, he'll sell.
Ryan: I'm betting on myself.
Stanley: It's a bad bet.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Uh-Oh. Okay, okay, nobody panic. Listen Up, listen up. [holds a flashlight to his face] Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.
Michael Scott: My Bad. Space heater and fan were both on high, plugged into the same outlet.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Uh, it's saying the server went down? Does Anybody know that password? 'Cause otherwise we can't do any work.
Michael Scott: Uh... try "password".
Jim: Nope.
Dwight K. Schrute: Try zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero.
Jim: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, now try zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, one.
Jim: Okay, I'm not doing every number.
Pam: Wait, um, does anyone remember when it was set up?
Michael Scott: Uh... It was like eight years ago?
Pam: Lord of the Rings ... stuff? I don't know, I'm just trying to think of things that were happening at the time.
Erin: Um, everyone was getting their driver's license.
Jim: Why don't we just call the I.T. Guy who set it up? What's the name of the guy in Glasses, again?
Michael Scott: Okay, moving backwards, our I.T. Guys have been: Glasses, Turban, Ear Hair, Fatty 3, Shorts, Fatty 2, Lozenge, and Fatso. I think Lozenge was the one who installed it.
Andy: I got it, try, um--[Coughs]
Michael Scott: You know what? It made me laugh when I heard it, but Pam got really offended.
Kevin: Big Boobs.
Meredith: Drama Queen?
Angela: Nosy?
Pam: You're typing "Big Boobs"?
Jim: I'm trying everything.
Dwight K. Schrute: Try "Big Boobs" with a "Z".
Jim: That's- The password. We're in.
Dwight K. Schrute: All Right
Kevin: Wow.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: The important thing is... this kept us secure people.

Quote from Pam

Erin: I don't wanna be a lousy snitch.
Pam: Okay.
Erin: Ryan has been using the color printer for his business a lot, and as Office Administrator you should---
Pam: Oh, it's okay.
Erin: But it's not for-
Pam: Let it go.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Yes, I invested in WUPHF. It's actually a great idea and I can't believe it didn't exist before. And I know Ryan's kind of a sketchy guy, but hey, I married Jim. I've done my part for the nice guy. Now I want a bedroom set.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I think an investor's ski trip, frankly, is the best idea. It will be a bonding experience.
Ryan: I love it.
Michael Scott: I was looking at a trail map, and I was thinking that we should start on a bunny hill, because I've never actually been skiing. And then work our way up to death drop.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Great, so we got our first offer to buy the company.
Michael Scott: You're kidding?!
Ryan: We could sell, but why think so small? We can just get a couple more people involved, really do this thing our way.
Michael Scott: You and me, baby.
Ryan: New Investors are key, though. That's actually why I came in today.
Michael Scott: Don't you work here full-time?
Ryan: [chuckles] Today, I was thinking I would sit down with a few of the people who haven't invested yet.
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm.
Ryan: Or we could do that together, if that sounds fun to you.
Michael Scott: That does sound fun to me.
Ryan: Awesome.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: Hey, I'm kind of in the mood for a roll in the hay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Roll in the hay, five dollars.
Angela: No, I meant...
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, our contract.
Angela: Mm-hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, why don't we meet at the usual spot. Uh... I've got a half an hour during lunch, in-between the historical reenactment of the Dunmore farm slaughters and the onion boil.
Angela: Perfect!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Excuse me, everyone, sex! Now that I have your attention-
Stanley: You don't have our attention.
Michael Scott: Money!
Stanley: I'm listening.
Kevin: You had me at "sex."
Michael Scott: Pervert.
Phyllis: You have all of our attention just by screaming anything.
Michael Scott: That's good to know. [screams]

Quote from Pam

Ryan: For my current investors, things are going great.
Michael Scott: We already have a buyer.
Pam: Really?! Who?!
Ryan: Washington University. I don't even want to think about selling until our numbers get into the billions.
Michael Scott: At least.
Ryan: So I've decided to open up a second round of investment to friends and family.
Phyllis: Oh, God. Hold on to your wallets, ladies.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Did you ever think of WUPHF as an emergency notification system, like, for college campuses with shooters or gas leaks?
Ryan: No, no. Oscar, it's not- It's not a digital rape whistle. WUPHF is about fun. Fun, communication, connection.
Oscar: What's your money situation?
Ryan: Well, it's tight, as with any start-up.
Oscar: Sure, how long can you sustain this without a cash infusion?
Ryan: We have nine solid days. I love these questions. Keep 'em coming.
Andy: I'm sorry, nine days until what?
Oscar: Bankruptcy?
Michael Scott: Wait, Ryan, so this could be over by the weekend?
Oscar: How long do you think a week is?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Can't talk, saving the planet.
Pam: Oh, we don't recycle.
Michael Scott: We Don't? Well, why have I been separating the trash into whites and colors?
Pam: I'm sure no one asked you to do that.
Michael Scott: Eight Years.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Michael, I- I hate to say this, but you know this special bond that you've always felt with Ryan, where, like, you're best friends or you're his mentor or something?
Michael Scott: Right. Yes, yeah. Best friend/mentor.
Pam: Michael, I think that feeling only goes one way. And I think that Ryan knows that, and he's taking advantage of you.
Michael Scott: I think you are wrong.
Pam: And there are a lot of other people in this office who have money at stake. Other people you care about.
Michael Scott: You may be right. I may be crazy.
Pam: Don't.
Michael Scott: I'm just saying that I think I agree with your point.
Pam: Yeah, but in a jokey way where you're gonna start singing.
Michael Scott: I thought it might make me feel better.
Pam: Okay. Go Ahead.
Michael Scott: [singing] But it just may be a lunatic... [stops singing] No.

Quote from Jim

[As Jim listens to Jo's audio book "Take a Good Look", he re-edits the audio]
Jo: The moment Darla put the cupcake in her mouth, her daddy pulled her aside and said, "You're Too Fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat." The next time I saw David Geffen was at the buffalo club. "I love you, you gay bastard," I said. "You Gay bastard," I s- "Gay Ba-" "Gay B-"

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: And now, by show of applause, We will crown this year's Hay King. All in favor of Purebred. [crowd applauds] Put your hands together for Mixed Bred. [crowd applauds] And let's hear it for Purebred. [crowd applauds] Mm. It appears we have a three-way tie. I have no choice but to pick the Hay King myself. I pick... Me! I am your Hay King! All Hail your Hay King!
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Did I truck 300 bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment? Yes.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Commission comes out to... dunh-duh-na-dah! Zero.
Jim: Mm-kay, Well, it can't be zero, Kev.
Kevin: I entered the sale, and I hit enter, and I said, "dunh-duh-na-dah!" I'm pretty sure I timesed it right.
Angela: You met your commission cap last week. So from here until the end of the fiscal year, your commission will be zero.
Jim: What are you talking about? We- We have a commission cap?
Angela: It's a new corporate policy.
Kevin: Dunh-duh-na-dah!

Quote from Erin

Pam: Oscar said WUPHF only has enough money for nine days.
Ryan: [colorful poster with numbers] Check this out.
Erin: [to camera] All that color.

Quote from Ryan

Kelly: Are you guys meeting about WUPHF? You know that that was my idea, right? I said to Ryan, "I try to call you, and you don't have your phone. I try to I.M. You, and you're not online. I wish there was a way that I could do everything all at once, and I could just be like this little dog going, 'Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!'"
Ryan: Baby, Baby, Baby-.
Kelly: I think I'm gonna stay here.
Ryan: No, no, no, no, no.
Kelly: I do, I do. This isn't right.
Ryan: I help you with your things and you help me with my things.
Kelly: But I- It's not right.
Ryan: [whispering] I got this, it's okay. Don't worry about this.

Quote from Meredith

Jim: Oh, nice, wasting time, here we go.
Meredith: Hey, back off. It's Solitaire.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Hey, kid. Hear you're looking for work.
Jim: Talk to me.
Creed: How far can you reach those lovely long arms of yours? [Jim reaching his arms out as far as he can go] Eh, put 'em down. How long can you hold that pretty little breath of yours? [Jim inhales] Good.
Gabe: Hey, Jim? Are you distracting these people?
Creed: We're working. [Jim still holding his breath]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So, any ideas on how we can get over this nine-day hump here?
Ryan: I have nothing but ideas. The thing is, they all require money.
Michael Scott: Nine days, though. That's, like...
Ryan: Look, I know I've tapped you so hard.
Michael Scott: Yes, you have tapped this. Hard.
Ryan: [laughs] Oh, you are funny, Michael. You--people, people don't give you enough credit.
Michael Scott: Maybe I could take a second mortgage on my condo.
Ryan: Well, a lot of people are doing that. And there don't seem to be any consequences. And they say the rates have never been lower.
Michael Scott: So you would think that's a good idea for me to do?
Ryan: Think about this. You and me on a private plane flown by our private pilot-
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm.
Ryan: Eating our private meal cooked by our private chef.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, we never even have dinner now, so...
Ryan: We totally should.
Michael Scott: Tonight?
Ryan: I gotta work on this.
Michael Scott: Oh right. What am I saying? Rain Check.
Ryan: Yeah.

Quote from Angela

Man: So, if I were to call Dunder Mifflin and ask for Miss Angela Martin, would I get through to you?
Angela: You would. And if I were to call your house and ask for your wife, would I get through to you?
Man: My wife passed away a few years ago.
Angela: How tragic. Very sorry to hear that.
Man: Thank You.

Quote from Michael Scott

Andy: You're gonna lose all of our money.
Michael Scott: Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan, I believe in you. Just like I believe in all of you. You have nine days to save everybody's money.
Ryan: Oh... Uh, that's a lot of pressure. I- I am gonna need some more time.
Michael Scott: You can't have it.
Ryan: Okay. I won't let you down.


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