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‘Stress Relief’ Quotes Page 1 of 4

The Office: Stress Relief

514. Stress Relief

Aired February 1, 2009

As Dwight stages an elaborate fire drill at the office, Stanley has a heart attack. When Michael tries to help his staff calm down, he is disturbed to learn he is the one stressing them out. Michael decides there should be a comedy roast for his employees to poke fun at their boss. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam watch a pirated movie with Andy.

Quote from Michael Scott

CPR Trainer: All right, well, lets get back to it. 'Cause you're losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute .
Michael Scott: Okay, that's uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Jim: How's that gonna help you?
Michael Scott: Well, I will divide and then count to it.

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Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, come on. It's not real, Stanley. Don't have a heart attack.
Michael Scott: No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say, "Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side." And he's like, "No, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them."

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: It's true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people... But the doctor said if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings I'm going to die.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job and I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool? Like, those shoulder pads are really boss man. Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge.

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: Andy.
Andy: [in a British accent] A throne for your highness.
Stanley: I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet.
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: I'm going to die.

Quote from Michael Scott

CPR Trainer: A-B-C. Okay? And that stands for: airway, breathing and circulation.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means "always be closing."

Quote from Andy

Andy: [singing and playing the guitar] What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss, you're the laziest, jerkiest and you're dumber than applesauce. We're stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away, heeey, well it's true. That's what I hate about you. That's what I hate about you. Yeah. And now, a man that deserves no introduction, Michael Scott.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I, um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons. I guess they all flew west for the winter. And I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
Pam: What?
Michael Scott: Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. [clears throat] Jim, you're 6'11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom! Roasted! Dwight, you're a kiss ass. Boom! Roasted! Pam, you failed art school. Boom! Roasted! Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom! Roasted! Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom! Roasted! Creed, you're teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom! Roasted! Angela, where's Angela? [Angela raises her hand] Whoa, there you are. I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom! Roasted! Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom! Roasted! Oscar, you are... [Stanley is laughing, Michael joins in] Oscar, you're gay.
Oscar: Wow.
Michael Scott: Andy, Cornell called. They think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom! Roasted! [Stanley is still laughing] All right. All right, everybody. You know I kid. You know I kid. You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. So, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Last week I gave a fire safety talk. And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher.
Today, smoking is gonna save lives.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Well, I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. [laughter] He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.
Michael Scott: Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?
Pam: Well, you know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. [Dwight laughs] And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [walks off stage] If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

David: How could you possibly think this is a good idea?
Dwight K. Schrute: A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael Scott: Electricity.
Dwight K. Schrute: Shampoo.
David: You could have burned down the whole building.
Dwight K. Schrute: I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.

Quote from Michael Scott

CPR Trainer: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael Scott: No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
CPR Trainer: No, that's not part of it.
Michael Scott: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Kevin: I would want to live with no legs.
Michael Scott: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight K. Schrute: I have.
Michael Scott: Let's hear it.
Dwight K. Schrute: [clears throat] "I state my regret."
Jim: You couldn't have memorized that?
Dwight K. Schrute: I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal.
Phyllis: It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said "Gross"...
Michael Scott: Well-
Meredith: Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Give it up, he's dead.
Jim: He just sent a text.
Creed: What's a text?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Lawyer: Did you shout, "Fire!", causing a panic?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes I shouted "Fire!" I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what-- heeded--
Michael Scott: Hed. Hedded.
Dwight K. Schrute: When no one hedded--
Michael Scott: Take hedded of.
Dwight K. Schrute: When no one would take hedded of my instructions.
Michael Scott: Heed. Heed.
Dwight K. Schrute: So, you--
Michael Scott: Take heed of.
Dwight K. Schrute: And, well, I don't see my co-workers hee-heeding this right now.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. [chuckles] It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. What's the matter? You hungry?
Michael Scott: [sighs] No, Dwight. I am worried. A man's life is in my hands.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping.

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