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69Quotes from ‘Stress Relief’

The Office: Stress Relief

514. Stress Relief

Aired February 1, 2009

As Dwight stages an elaborate fire drill at the office, Stanley has a heart attack. When Michael tries to help his staff calm down, he is disturbed to learn he is the one stressing them out. Michael decides there should be a comedy roast for his employees to poke fun at their boss. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam watch a pirated movie with Andy.

Quote from Michael Scott

CPR Trainer: All right, well, lets get back to it. 'Cause you're losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute .
Michael Scott: Okay, that's uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Jim: How's that gonna help you?
Michael Scott: Well, I will divide and then count to it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, come on. It's not real, Stanley. Don't have a heart attack.
Michael Scott: No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say, "Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side." And he's like, "No, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them."

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: It's true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people... But the doctor said if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings I'm going to die.

Quote from Michael Scott

CPR Trainer: A-B-C. Okay? And that stands for: airway, breathing and circulation.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means "always be closing."

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job and I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool? Like, those shoulder pads are really boss man. Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge.

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: Andy.
Andy: [in a British accent] A throne for your highness.
Stanley: I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet.
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: I'm going to die.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [singing and playing the guitar] What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss, you're the laziest, jerkiest and you're dumber than applesauce. We're stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away, heeey, well it's true. That's what I hate about you. That's what I hate about you. Yeah. And now, a man that deserves no introduction, Michael Scott.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I, um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons. I guess they all flew west for the winter. And I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
Pam: What?
Michael Scott: Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. [clears throat] Jim, you're 6'11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom! Roasted! Dwight, you're a kiss ass. Boom! Roasted! Pam, you failed art school. Boom! Roasted! Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom! Roasted! Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom! Roasted! Creed, you're teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom! Roasted! Angela, where's Angela? [Angela raises her hand] Whoa, there you are. I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom! Roasted! Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom! Roasted! Oscar, you are... [Stanley is laughing, Michael joins in] Oscar, you're gay.
Oscar: Wow.
Michael Scott: Andy, Cornell called. They think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom! Roasted! [Stanley is still laughing] All right. All right, everybody. You know I kid. You know I kid. You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. So, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Last week I gave a fire safety talk. And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher.
Today, smoking is gonna save lives.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Well, I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. [laughter] He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.
Michael Scott: Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?
Pam: Well, you know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. [Dwight laughs] And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [walks off stage] If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

David: How could you possibly think this is a good idea?
Dwight K. Schrute: A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael Scott: Electricity.
Dwight K. Schrute: Shampoo.
David: You could have burned down the whole building.
Dwight K. Schrute: I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.

Quote from Michael Scott

CPR Trainer: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael Scott: No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
CPR Trainer: No, that's not part of it.
Michael Scott: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Kevin: I would want to live with no legs.
Michael Scott: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight K. Schrute: I have.
Michael Scott: Let's hear it.
Dwight K. Schrute: [clears throat] "I state my regret."
Jim: You couldn't have memorized that?
Dwight K. Schrute: I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal.
Phyllis: It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said "Gross"...
Michael Scott: Well-
Meredith: Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Lawyer: Did you shout, "Fire!", causing a panic?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes I shouted "Fire!" I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what-- heeded--
Michael Scott: Hed. Hedded.
Dwight K. Schrute: When no one hedded--
Michael Scott: Take hedded of.
Dwight K. Schrute: When no one would take hedded of my instructions.
Michael Scott: Heed. Heed.
Dwight K. Schrute: So, you--
Michael Scott: Take heed of.
Dwight K. Schrute: And, well, I don't see my co-workers hee-heeding this right now.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. [chuckles] It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. What's the matter? You hungry?
Michael Scott: [sighs] No, Dwight. I am worried. A man's life is in my hands.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class. And of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: [giving chest compressions to the practice dummy] I can't keep doing this forever.
CPR Trainer: It's been 20 seconds.
Kevin: Call it.

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Stanley: Oh, I don't know.
Phyllis: That's not a good idea, Michael.
Michael Scott: Come on.
Phyllis: He needs to rest.
Michael Scott: No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?
Stanley: I would die.
Michael Scott: And you're okay with that?
Stanley: I'm okay with the logic of it.

Quote from Michael Scott

CPR Trainer: Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?
Michael Scott: Yes, yes I do. I love that song. [clears throat, singing] First I was afraid, I was petrified.
CPR Trainer: No, it's-- [singing] Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Michael Scott: Okay, I got it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?
CPR Trainer: I have no idea.
Dwight K. Schrute: Anyone else?
Phyllis: We bury him?
Dwight K. Schrute: Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.
Creed: He has no wallet, I checked.
Michael Scott: He is an organ donor.
Dwight K. Schrute: He is. Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [pulls out knife] Here we go.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: Could you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?
Dwight K. Schrute: I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it's pretty realistic.
David: We had to pay for it. Cost us thirty five hundred dollars.
Michael Scott: Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy? Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.

Quote from Jim

Pam: We don't normally download films illegally. Because we're honest, hardworking people.
Jim: And we don't know how.
Pam: But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Jim: Punishment fits the crime.

Quote from Andy

Pam: He's not saying what he needs to say.
Andy: Hmm? Who? Jack Black?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? If they said to each other what they're saying to everyone else, then--
Andy: Hmm.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: Michael, I think you're what's stressing everybody out.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer. It's, uh- Great twist. Great twist.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: I consider myself a good person. But I'm gonna try to make him cry.

Quote from Angela

Angela: If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here's a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott. [laughter]
[aside to camera:]
Angela: I normally don't enjoy making people laugh.
[back:]
Angela: If you ever called the fire department 'cause your head was stuck in your chair you might be...
All: Michael Scott! [laughter]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: That is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're interrupting me. I'm trying to get your back.
Michael Scott: Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you calling me an idiot?
Michael Scott: Idiot.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends, or any family, or any land.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Give it up, he's dead.
Jim: He just sent a text.
Creed: What's a text?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don't matter to him, because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. [looking towards the sky] I'm okay. No, I'm not.

Quote from Pam

Jim: So what did he say? Was it my fault?
Pam: Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room, and about how, you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that with my mom, even at their best.
Jim: You okay?
Pam: Yeah. [Jim and Pam hug]

Quote from Pam

Pam: When you're a kid you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that. I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mmm. Maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Hmm. Or an art critic, that painting is bad.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: They say that laughter is the best medicine. So Stanley, you can throw away those pills, you are cured. Actually, you should... better hold onto them pills, just in case.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It is a beautiful, sunny day as we walk through the meadow that is very spiritual and relaxing and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in a distance.
Jim: Don't open your eyes.
Pam: What? [As Pam opens her eyes, Michael is standing over her] Oh.
Michael Scott: And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are four men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. So, what kind do you want? Yell it out.
Meredith: Chunky monkey.
Michael Scott: Too expensive.
Stanley: Chocolate.
Michael Scott: Racism is dead, Stanley. You can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want?

Quote from Angela

Dwight K. Schrute: Does anyone smell anything smoky?
Angela: Did you bring your jerky in again?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm.
Dwight K. Schrute: What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure?
Michael Scott: Stay [bleep] calm!
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, wait, wait.
Michael Scott: Everyone, now [bleep] calm down!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Things can be replaced, Phyllis. People, human lives, however, can...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha-- Use a what to cover the mouth? A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let's remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that's the wrong way. We've already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people.

Quote from Oscar

Angela: Oscar!
Oscar: Stay alive! I'm getting help!
Angela: Pull me up!
Oscar: You're too heavy!
Angela: I only weigh 82 pounds!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay. [walks to the window, sighs] This city. Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed.
David: No, we are mad.
Michael Scott: Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
David: No, we're not.
Michael Scott: I am not a mind reader, David.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: Look, this is very serious offense. We have cause to fire you.
Michael Scott: [to the lawyer] Can you shove down? Instead... shove down, please. [to Dwight] Instead, what I think we should do is strip of your title as safety officer.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: We should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn't like.
Dwight K. Schrute: PETA.
David: Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died, because of the way that you are allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscious?
Michael Scott: [to Dwight] Do you?
David: Michael?
Michael Scott: You talking to me?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Shhh! Don't excite him. Don't make him excitable. [whispering] Welcome back, Stanley.
Stanley: Thank you, Michael.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hope you brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn. [dumps popcorn in bowl, it's almost all seeds] Uh, damn it. This movie, a lot of buzz. Not coming out for another six months. Mrs. Albert Hannaday. So, friendship with the Nard-dog has its privileges.

Quote from Pam

Pam: My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and... it kinda sucks. Jim's been great. But I'm gonna need to buy my dad a robe.

Quote from Andy

Jim: Gimme a break.
Andy: I know it man. You know, Lilly was supposed to be Nicole Kidman, um and it was gonna be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole Kidman dropped out so they went with Cloris Leachman, with a small rewrite.
Jim: [to Pam] Can you believe this? [pause] He was pretty talkative at breakfast.
Andy: Well, yeah- But... Breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I don't think that was breakfast. Unless soup- Does soup symbolize breakfast?
Pam: So he doesn't share it with his daughter but he shares it with his daughter's fiance?
Andy: You guys, they're making out.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Om... Om... Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me. Om, my God if you're wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that. Om... Om...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can, and I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. That one makes me think... of death. It's kinda nice...

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones.
Stanley: It's my bio-feedback machine..
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. What is that, like, a video game?
Stanley: It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down.
Michael Scott: You have stress?
Stanley: Yes.
Michael Scott: During our relaxation exercise?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, I think that thing is on the fritz. Ah, Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That's what he said! Right, guys, 'cause of gay?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so... it was her parents or my parents.

Quote from Pam

Pam: What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: I don't get it. Do I stress you out?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.
Michael Scott: Oh.
Dwight K. Schrute: Speaking of which... [Dwight hands Michael the paper to sign for his formal apology]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, everybody, I've figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is what's causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short-
Kelly: A vacation.
Michael Scott: Eh- What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c'mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You've seen it right? Everybody gets together, and you start hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody's laughing, and everybody's hugging each other.
Oscar: Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you?
Michael Scott: [Mexican accent] Si senor.
Oscar: That's offensive.
Michael Scott: It's not! It's not offensive during a roast. Anything goes. I want you guys to really get cracking on this. I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer... fair game. Whatever. I don't want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: May I have your attention please? Sign in, sign in on the sign in sheet, the clipboard. This meeting is mandatory, if you do not sign in your name will not be counted. Thank you.
Phyllis: Hey, this is your apology letter.
Dwight K. Schrute: That was the last signature I needed.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Woo! Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you're here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. So, we all know how these work. Needs to get crazy. Take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and, uh, whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. [Angela gets up on stage] Okay, lower the mic for the midget.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, hey. I don't go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha!

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott: a turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a wood-chipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, Happy Birthday Michael.
Michael Scott: Yeah, you'd be so lucky.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [Toby tries to come on stage] No! No, friends only. Friends only.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary.
Michael Scott: I know where this is going.
Jim: Do you?
Michael Scott: No...
Jim: Okay. Remember spider face?
Michael Scott: No.
Jim: Okay. 'Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface.
Michael Scott: Spite her- Okay. [laughter]

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Mike claims we're all a family, isn't that right?
Michael: We are, we are a family.
Darryl: Okay, so um, what's his name? All the way in the back there.
Michael Scott: Oh very funny.
Darryl: What's his name?
Michael Scott: Uh... Ha ha! I'm thinking Roy?
Darryl: Roy left years ago. What's his name?
Michael Scott: I don't believe I have had the pleasure.
Warehouse Michael: Michael, I gave you a ride home last week, we spent an hour in traffic...
Darryl: What's his name?
Michael Scott: Jefferson.
Darryl: Nope. His name is Michael.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Thank you very much. Thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. [clears throat] Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn't tiny, its average, so... Get your facts straight. [clears throat again] So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought- [choking up, clears throat again] Sorry, I think I have a frog in my throat. Um. I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people. Um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. [Michael walks off stage, knocking the snare drum over as he goes.]

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: [with a sock puppet] He is so dumb that he tries to put his M&Ms in alphabetical order.
Oscar: Alright, Kevin. Enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday.
Kevin: I'm almost done.
Oscar: That reeks, and I'm trying to eat.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Phyllis there's a package for you.
Phyllis: Oh, okay. [After Phyllis signs for the package, she opens it and finds it's empty]
Dwight K. Schrute: [pulls the clipboard away from the "delivery guy" on a string] Got it.


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