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‘Stress Relief’ Quotes

The Office: Stress Relief

514. Stress Relief

Aired February 1, 2009

As Dwight stages an elaborate fire drill at the office, Stanley has a heart attack. When Michael tries to help his staff calm down, he is disturbed to learn he is the one stressing them out. Michael decides there should be a comedy roast for his employees to poke fun at their boss. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam watch a pirated movie with Andy.

Quote from Michael Scott

CPR Trainer: All right, well, lets get back to it. 'Cause you're losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute .
Michael Scott: Okay, that's uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Jim: How's that gonna help you?
Michael Scott: Well, I will divide and then count to it.

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Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, come on. It's not real, Stanley. Don't have a heart attack.
Michael Scott: No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say, "Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side." And he's like, "No, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them."

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: It's true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people... But the doctor said if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings I'm going to die.

Quote from Michael Scott

CPR Trainer: A-B-C. Okay? And that stands for: airway, breathing and circulation.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means "always be closing."

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job and I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool? Like, those shoulder pads are really boss man. Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge.

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: Andy.
Andy: [in a British accent] A throne for your highness.
Stanley: I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet.
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: I'm going to die.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [singing and playing the guitar] What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss, you're the laziest, jerkiest and you're dumber than applesauce. We're stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away, heeey, well it's true. That's what I hate about you. That's what I hate about you. Yeah. And now, a man that deserves no introduction, Michael Scott.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I, um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons. I guess they all flew west for the winter. And I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
Pam: What?
Michael Scott: Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. [clears throat] Jim, you're 6'11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom! Roasted! Dwight, you're a kiss ass. Boom! Roasted! Pam, you failed art school. Boom! Roasted! Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom! Roasted! Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom! Roasted! Creed, you're teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom! Roasted! Angela, where's Angela? [Angela raises her hand] Whoa, there you are. I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom! Roasted! Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom! Roasted! Oscar, you are... [Stanley is laughing, Michael joins in] Oscar, you're gay.
Oscar: Wow.
Michael Scott: Andy, Cornell called. They think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom! Roasted! [Stanley is still laughing] All right. All right, everybody. You know I kid. You know I kid. You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. So, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Last week I gave a fire safety talk. And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher.
Today, smoking is gonna save lives.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Well, I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. [laughter] He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.
Michael Scott: Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?
Pam: Well, you know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. [Dwight laughs] And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [walks off stage] If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

David: How could you possibly think this is a good idea?
Dwight K. Schrute: A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael Scott: Electricity.
Dwight K. Schrute: Shampoo.
David: You could have burned down the whole building.
Dwight K. Schrute: I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.

Quote from Michael Scott

CPR Trainer: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael Scott: No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
CPR Trainer: No, that's not part of it.
Michael Scott: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Kevin: I would want to live with no legs.
Michael Scott: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight K. Schrute: I have.
Michael Scott: Let's hear it.
Dwight K. Schrute: [clears throat] "I state my regret."
Jim: You couldn't have memorized that?
Dwight K. Schrute: I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal.
Phyllis: It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said "Gross"...
Michael Scott: Well-
Meredith: Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Lawyer: Did you shout, "Fire!", causing a panic?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes I shouted "Fire!" I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what-- heeded--
Michael Scott: Hed. Hedded.
Dwight K. Schrute: When no one hedded--
Michael Scott: Take hedded of.
Dwight K. Schrute: When no one would take hedded of my instructions.
Michael Scott: Heed. Heed.
Dwight K. Schrute: So, you--
Michael Scott: Take heed of.
Dwight K. Schrute: And, well, I don't see my co-workers hee-heeding this right now.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. [chuckles] It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. What's the matter? You hungry?
Michael Scott: [sighs] No, Dwight. I am worried. A man's life is in my hands.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class. And of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: [giving chest compressions to the practice dummy] I can't keep doing this forever.
CPR Trainer: It's been 20 seconds.
Kevin: Call it.

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Stanley: Oh, I don't know.
Phyllis: That's not a good idea, Michael.
Michael Scott: Come on.
Phyllis: He needs to rest.
Michael Scott: No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?
Stanley: I would die.
Michael Scott: And you're okay with that?
Stanley: I'm okay with the logic of it.

Quote from Michael Scott

CPR Trainer: Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?
Michael Scott: Yes, yes I do. I love that song. [clears throat, singing] First I was afraid, I was petrified.
CPR Trainer: No, it's-- [singing] Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Michael Scott: Okay, I got it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?
CPR Trainer: I have no idea.
Dwight K. Schrute: Anyone else?
Phyllis: We bury him?
Dwight K. Schrute: Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.
Creed: He has no wallet, I checked.
Michael Scott: He is an organ donor.
Dwight K. Schrute: He is. Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [pulls out knife] Here we go.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: Could you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?
Dwight K. Schrute: I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it's pretty realistic.
David: We had to pay for it. Cost us thirty five hundred dollars.
Michael Scott: Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy? Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.

Quote from Jim

Pam: We don't normally download films illegally. Because we're honest, hardworking people.
Jim: And we don't know how.
Pam: But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Jim: Punishment fits the crime.

Quote from Andy

Pam: He's not saying what he needs to say.
Andy: Hmm? Who? Jack Black?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? If they said to each other what they're saying to everyone else, then--
Andy: Hmm.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: Michael, I think you're what's stressing everybody out.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer. It's, uh- Great twist. Great twist.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: I consider myself a good person. But I'm gonna try to make him cry.

Quote from Angela

Angela: If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here's a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott. [laughter]
[aside to camera:]
Angela: I normally don't enjoy making people laugh.
[back:]
Angela: If you ever called the fire department 'cause your head was stuck in your chair you might be...
All: Michael Scott! [laughter]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: That is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're interrupting me. I'm trying to get your back.
Michael Scott: Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you calling me an idiot?
Michael Scott: Idiot.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends, or any family, or any land.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Give it up, he's dead.
Jim: He just sent a text.
Creed: What's a text?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don't matter to him, because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. [looking towards the sky] I'm okay. No, I'm not.

Quote from Pam

Jim: So what did he say? Was it my fault?
Pam: Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room, and about how, you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that with my mom, even at their best.
Jim: You okay?
Pam: Yeah. [Jim and Pam hug]

Quote from Pam

Pam: When you're a kid you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that. I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mmm. Maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Hmm. Or an art critic, that painting is bad.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: They say that laughter is the best medicine. So Stanley, you can throw away those pills, you are cured. Actually, you should... better hold onto them pills, just in case.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It is a beautiful, sunny day as we walk through the meadow that is very spiritual and relaxing and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in a distance.
Jim: Don't open your eyes.
Pam: What? [As Pam opens her eyes, Michael is standing over her] Oh.
Michael Scott: And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are four men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. So, what kind do you want? Yell it out.
Meredith: Chunky monkey.
Michael Scott: Too expensive.
Stanley: Chocolate.
Michael Scott: Racism is dead, Stanley. You can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want?


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