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‘Garden Party’ Quotes

The Office: Garden Party

804. Garden Party

Aired October 13, 2011

Andy wants everyone on their best behavior when he throws a garden party on Schrute Farm and invites his parents and Robert California. Meanwhile, Dwight learns the tricks of the event trade from a rare book he found online.

Quote from Robert

Robert: I'll say a few words if that's alright with you, Andy.
Andy: Yeah, yeah.
Robert: You people say I led you, but it wasn't me. You want to toast the man who led you to success, but the boss is irrelevant. Andy and I, we produce nothing. We do nothing. We sit in our offices and demand, I want this and that right now, like petulant children. You know, the difference between a crying baby and a manager? One day, the baby will grow up. But, without you, Andy and I would be sitting in our dirty diapers, waiting for someone to change us, wipe us. I should be toasting you, thanking you, for allowing me to have the easiest job in the universe. Cheers.

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Quote from Jim

Jim: Why do you keep reading that garden party book? I mean, how hard are finger sandwiches and tea?
Dwight K. Schrute: There's so much more to it than that.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I've been wanting Schrute Farms to break into the high-end event hosting industry for some time, and this party is a great opportunity. Plus, I've got a secret weapon. [holds up a book: "The Ultimate Guide to Throwing A Garden Party" by James Trickington] Only one copy in the world and some sucker on the internet sold it to me for two dollars. [laughs]
[also to camera:]
Jim: I'm actually really disappointed in how poorly my book is doing. [holds up same book] I've only sold one copy.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Schrute Farms is very easy to find. It's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've probably gone too far.
Ryan: Just give us the address. We'll look it up online.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's simpler this way.
Oscar: It's really not.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: I cannot believe that Andy is throwing a party like this just to impress the CEO. Classic Gabe move. Hey, Andy, how about you don't steal my business strategies, and I won't dress like my life is just one long brunch?

Quote from Jim

Jim: There's this thing that people tend to do with billboards. How do I put this? If there's an opportunity for a graffiti artist to work in a... phallic shape, interacting with the artwork, it'll happen, and Andy gave them that opportunity.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: My first love is beet farming, but it's a young man's game. Who ever heard of an old beet farmer?
Robert: Forget the beets. Concentrate on the hosting. I could spend a considerable amount of money having my birthday party here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, really? Well, we have a number of birthday packages. The Pewter Package has the least amount of goats. It's not no goats, it's still 10-12 goats, depending on the availability of the goats. Now, the Goat Package obviously has the most goats. What were you thinking?
Robert: Of course, I am not interested in goats. Why would you spend so much time going over the goats with me?
Dwight K. Schrute: [whispering:] I can get you exotic meats: hippo steaks, giraffe burgers...
Robert: We'll talk. [walks away]
Dwight K. Schrute: [looking at camera:] It'll all be goat.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I think if I had parents like that I'd be trying to convince everyone all the time how great I was, too.
Oscar: Guess we found Andy's rosebud.
Darryl: Rosebud?
Oscar: It's a reference to Citizen Kane. Something that explains why a person became the way they are.
Darryl: I know Citizen Kane. Rosebud didn't explain why he was how he was. It just represented what was important to him as a child, that he missed.
Oscar: Different school of thought. Let's just agree to disagree.
Darryl: No, you're wrong.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Are you sure?
Ryan: Yeah, I'm too hot anyway.
Robert: My body has somehow become acclimated to southern Italy. Isn't that strange? [laughing] I've never been there! [Gabe puts his jacket on Robert too] Oh, ah, yes, that's nice. Thank you.

Quote from Meredith

Andy: Erin, how long did we order those billboards for?
Erin: Six months.
Andy: Oh, god. I need you to call the billboard company.
Meredith: [entering office] Great billboard! Funny, edgy, right up to the line without crossing it, loved it.
Andy: Which one did you see?
Meredith: Washington Street, the one with, like, twenty dongs on it.

Quote from Andy

Jim: Hey. So, we saw the new billboard.
Andy: Yeah? Pretty cool, huh?
[aside to camera:]
Andy: What better way to announce our new slightly lower prices than with an ad campaign? And what better face for an ad campaign than our new regional manager?
[back:]
Andy: How'd it look?
Jim: You've seen it, right?
Andy: No.
Pam: Andy, somebody defaced it.
Andy: What? How? [Stanley enters office laughing] Morning, Stanley.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Now, stated arrival time is 3 p.m.
Kelly: I don't get the reason for this party.
Phyllis: Yeah, what's the reason?
Kelly: What's the reason, Andy? What's the reason?
Andy: It's just a garden party. Sheesh.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: You don't need a reason to throw a garden party anymore than you need a reason to throw a birthday party. It's a garden party. You don't need a reason.

Quote from Andy

Andy: A few other super simple reminders: No burping, no slurping, when eating take small bites and chew thoroughly with your mouth closed. Yes, Darryl?
Darryl: What happens when we're done chewing? Do we spit it out on the floor, or keep it in our mouths the rest of the time?
Andy: I get it, I'm being a little overbearing. But I promise to be underbearing for a week if you guys just all... Step it up.
Oscar: Andy, we understand basic table manners, we're not children.
Phyllis: Yeah, it's just a picnic.
Andy: This is not a picnic, Phyllis. It's a garden party.
Darryl: There's a grill in the warehouse I could bring.
Andy: Aw, ew, please don't. Not a barbecue. It's better than a barbecue. It's dignified, quieter, there are rules.

Quote from Stanley

Ryan: What's the dress code on this?
Andy: I'm glad you asked. Connecticut Casual.
Stanley: Any chance Connecticut Casual is Pennsylvania Business? I.e. this is what I'm wearing to your party.

Quote from Andy

Meredith: Yeah, whoa, who's the sausage?
Andy: It's my dad and my brother. I would have joined in but this melody doesn't really support another harmony part, so... Check it out, that's my brother's boss. Look how psyched he is, he's having an awesome time.
Jim: Ah, and did Robert California get an invite to your party?
Andy: Yeah, of course. Yeah. I mean, uh, yeah, I think he did.
Phyllis: Why didn't you just say this was to impress Robert California?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: So, we've typed in the address, now let's take a look at the StreetView. [picture of Dwight and Mose on a see-saw]
Dwight K. Schrute: They don't warn you when the cameras are driving by.

Quote from Robert

Robert: [on the phone] Andrew, I've picked up two possible gifts to bring this afternoon. One, a pot of marmalade.
Andy: Ooh, that sounds great.
Robert: Well, that, that is what you want then, the marmalade?
Andy: Sure.
Robert: You don't want to hear the other one. You love marmalade.
Andy: Uh, I'll hear the other one.
Robert: It's a basil plant.
Andy: You know, the marmalade sounds great.
Robert: I also mentioned the marmalade to my sister and she's very interested.
Andy: Then the basil will be fine.
Robert: Well, you clearly want the marmalade. Uh, Gretchen, I need another marmalade. Alright. [hangs up]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Mr. Ryan Howard!
[earlier, to camera:]
Jim: Chapter 2: Announcing guests as they enter is the height of decorum. The more volume displayed, the more honor is bestowed upon everyone present.
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Stanley Hudson and his mistress, Cynthia. James, Pamela and Pepe Halpert!

Quote from Jim

Jim: Chapter 4: One of the host's most important duties is as Dance Master. A proper courtly dance sets the tone for the entire afternoon.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present, R-r-robert Califor-r-r-r-nia!

Quote from Robert

Andy: Hey, I want you to meet my first bosses, Mom and Dad.
Robert: Yes, hello. Nice to meet you.
Walter: Pleasure.
Robert: Andy, where shall I put your basil plant?
Andy: Oh, I thought you were going to bring marmalade.
Robert: No, I'm certain you said basil.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: I can not believe I didn't think of toasting Robert. Get in the game, Gabriel! Why are you talking to Stanley's mistress?

Quote from Angela

Angela: I would like to toast someone who isn't here, but who will be in just four short months. Welcome to the world, Philip Lipton!
Pam: I also would like to toast Philip Halpert, who is due even sooner. May he be a good namesake to my grandfather, who I promised as a child, long before tonight, that I would one day name my son after him. To Philip Halpert!
[aside to camera:]
Angela: She just always has to copy anything I do! It's the Ford Taurus situation all over again!

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper.
[earlier, to camera:]
Jim: Chapter 9: The tableau vivant is not only welcomed, but expected entertainment at any garden party.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I think I left my wallet in your house.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who cares?
Jim: Right here. [returning]
Dwight K. Schrute: Mr. James Halpert!
Jim: Keys, keys...
Dwight K. Schrute: Stop forgetting things.
Jim: [returning] I didn't forget them, they're right here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Mr. James Halpert!
Jim: I'm so sorry, I think I forgot that thing...
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Idiot.
Jim: Whoo. [ducking in]
Dwight K. Schrute: Mist- Mi- What are you doing?
Jim: Hey, I have a question. Who do you think is really the best salesman in this office?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a stupid question, obviously... Mr. James Halpert!


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