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‘Two Weeks’ Quotes

The Office: Two Weeks

521. Two Weeks

Aired March 26, 2009

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You want me to translate the German instructions for you?
Pam: No, I'm sure they're pretty much the same as the English instructions.
Dwight K. Schrute: Pfft. Typical American arrogance that got us involved in a war we never should have been in.
Pam: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: World War II.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Well, fine. Do the German instructions say what this is supposed to do?
Dwight K. Schrute: Deutsch. Let me see here. It is either an incense dispenser or a ceremonial sarcophagus.
Pam: Huh.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: My German is pre-industrial and mostly religious.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Have you called headhunters?
Michael Scott: Any good headhunter knows that I am available.
Dwight K. Schrute: Any really good headhunter will storm your village with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a knife.
Jim: Right, 'cause that's what we're talking about.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: I love a good quitting story. It makes me feel like I have control over my own life. Gives me hope. Maybe I'll have one of my own someday. But I dream. So...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What am I gonna do? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. I'm gonna stay up all day. I'm gonna sleep up all night. I'm gonna give it a, "Oh! Hey! Ho!", and I'm gonna stop worrying about calories.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know what? I had a great time at prom. And no one said "yes" to that, either.

Quote from Jim

Jim: About a week ago, Michael gave his 2 weeks' notice. And, surprisingly, there is a big difference between Michael trying and Michael not trying.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Michael's like a movie on a plane. It's not great, but it's something to watch. And then when it's over, you're like, "How much time is left on this flight? Now what?"

Quote from Pam

Pam: I am at a crucial point where I have sunk four hours into that copier. And I am not gonna let it beat me like that wireless router did.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: You put a note in my food?
Michael Scott: I made it sterile.
Oscar: Just saying "sterile" doesn't make it so.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I had no idea when I got into that car to go to New York that I was going to be quitting. I got on the ramp, and I was like, "Two hours, two hours to go. Feelin' good. Crank some tunes. Should have peed before I left."
Kelly: Michael, get to the good part.
Michael Scott: So, I get up to the building. Revolving door broken. So I have to take the normal door.
Kelly: Oh, my God.
Oscar: At least he's in the building.
Michael Scott: No. No, I was so nervous, it was the wrong building. I had walked into the wrong building.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: OK, focus, focus. You're in the right building. You're with the right people. What happened?
Michael Scott: I looked at Wallace and I said, "I quit." And as I turned to leave, I looked back and I said, "You have no idea how high I can fly."
Stanley: You didn't tell him how sick of him you were?
Michael Scott: Why would I do that?
Angela: Well, wouldn't it feel good to tell him that he's incompetent?
Kevin: That he's wasted.
Meredith: Maybe spit in his face.
Michael Scott: You guys have thought about this a lot more than I have. I just winged it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: Michael, is that scotch?
Michael Scott: Scotch and Splenda. Tastes like Splenda, gets you drunk like scotch. [slurping, then shaking the glass at Oscar] Clinky clinky clink. Come on. Come on, come on.

Quote from Michael Scott

Stanley: Maybe you should go into your office, close the door, and make some calls about jobs.
Michael Scott: I have a job.
Andy: For four more days.
Pam: Do you have any leads on a job?
Michael Scott: Pam, what you don't understand, at my level, you don't just look for a job. You are headhunted.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Pam, when will the new copier be ready?
Pam: I'm working on it, Kev.
Kevin: You said it would be ready by today. And it is today.
Pam: It'll be ready soon.
Kevin: "Soon" could mean anything. "Soon" could be three weeks.
Pam: Is that what "soon" means to you?
Kevin: Sometimes.
Pam: Then come back soon.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pam, listen, this order form Instead of "Dunder Mifflin", is there any way I could get it to say something else?
Pam: Like "Michael Scott Paper Company"?
Michael Scott: You- Oh. Somebody's been talking in bed. Pillow talk.

Quote from Oscar

Michael Scott: I am offering you the opportunity of a lifetime, to come work for me.
Oscar: Do you have a business plan? A funding request? Market research? Financials?
Michael Scott: No, no, no.
Oscar: You need those things. Most new businesses, they don't make a profit till at least two years. And then your margins will be razor-thin. Best-case scenario, you don't cut yourself a salary for at least 5 years. Can you go five years without a salary, Michael?
Michael Scott: Okay.
Oscar: Five years?
Michael Scott: Okay. You already have the job. You don't have to convince me.
Oscar: It's just not prudent, Michael.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I always thought Michael got a bad rap. He's a good guy, and he's super funny. Yeah, maybe I should tell him before he goes. He's all the way over there.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Michael, wait! I'm coming with you.
Michael Scott: You are?
Pam: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Okay. It's gonna be great.
Pam: Great. Uh. Except I don't want to be a receptionist anymore.
Michael Scott: Right. Executive assistant.
Pam: Salesman.
Michael Scott: All right. Okay. Deal.
Pam: Deal.


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