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41Quotes from ‘Two Weeks’

The Office: Two Weeks

521. Two Weeks

Aired March 26, 2009

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You want me to translate the German instructions for you?
Pam: No, I'm sure they're pretty much the same as the English instructions.
Dwight K. Schrute: Pfft. Typical American arrogance that got us involved in a war we never should have been in.
Pam: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: World War II.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Well, fine. Do the German instructions say what this is supposed to do?
Dwight K. Schrute: Deutsch. Let me see here. It is either an incense dispenser or a ceremonial sarcophagus.
Pam: Huh.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: My German is pre-industrial and mostly religious.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Have you called headhunters?
Michael Scott: Any good headhunter knows that I am available.
Dwight K. Schrute: Any really good headhunter will storm your village with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a knife.
Jim: Right, 'cause that's what we're talking about.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: I love a good quitting story. It makes me feel like I have control over my own life. Gives me hope. Maybe I'll have one of my own someday. But I dream. So...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What am I gonna do? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. I'm gonna stay up all day. I'm gonna sleep up all night. I'm gonna give it a, "Oh! Hey! Ho!", and I'm gonna stop worrying about calories.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know what? I had a great time at prom. And no one said "yes" to that, either.

Quote from Jim

Jim: About a week ago, Michael gave his 2 weeks' notice. And, surprisingly, there is a big difference between Michael trying and Michael not trying.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Michael's like a movie on a plane. It's not great, but it's something to watch. And then when it's over, you're like, "How much time is left on this flight? Now what?"

Quote from Pam

Pam: I am at a crucial point where I have sunk four hours into that copier. And I am not gonna let it beat me like that wireless router did.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: You put a note in my food?
Michael Scott: I made it sterile.
Oscar: Just saying "sterile" doesn't make it so.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I had no idea when I got into that car to go to New York that I was going to be quitting. I got on the ramp, and I was like, "Two hours, two hours to go. Feelin' good. Crank some tunes. Should have peed before I left."
Kelly: Michael, get to the good part.
Michael Scott: So, I get up to the building. Revolving door broken. So I have to take the normal door.
Kelly: Oh, my God.
Oscar: At least he's in the building.
Michael Scott: No. No, I was so nervous, it was the wrong building. I had walked into the wrong building.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: OK, focus, focus. You're in the right building. You're with the right people. What happened?
Michael Scott: I looked at Wallace and I said, "I quit." And as I turned to leave, I looked back and I said, "You have no idea how high I can fly."
Stanley: You didn't tell him how sick of him you were?
Michael Scott: Why would I do that?
Angela: Well, wouldn't it feel good to tell him that he's incompetent?
Kevin: That he's wasted.
Meredith: Maybe spit in his face.
Michael Scott: You guys have thought about this a lot more than I have. I just winged it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: Michael, is that scotch?
Michael Scott: Scotch and Splenda. Tastes like Splenda, gets you drunk like scotch. [slurping, then shaking the glass at Oscar] Clinky clinky clink. Come on. Come on, come on.

Quote from Michael Scott

Stanley: Maybe you should go into your office, close the door, and make some calls about jobs.
Michael Scott: I have a job.
Andy: For four more days.
Pam: Do you have any leads on a job?
Michael Scott: Pam, what you don't understand, at my level, you don't just look for a job. You are headhunted.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Pam, when will the new copier be ready?
Pam: I'm working on it, Kev.
Kevin: You said it would be ready by today. And it is today.
Pam: It'll be ready soon.
Kevin: "Soon" could mean anything. "Soon" could be three weeks.
Pam: Is that what "soon" means to you?
Kevin: Sometimes.
Pam: Then come back soon.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pam, listen, this order form Instead of "Dunder Mifflin", is there any way I could get it to say something else?
Pam: Like "Michael Scott Paper Company"?
Michael Scott: You- Oh. Somebody's been talking in bed. Pillow talk.

Quote from Oscar

Michael Scott: I am offering you the opportunity of a lifetime, to come work for me.
Oscar: Do you have a business plan? A funding request? Market research? Financials?
Michael Scott: No, no, no.
Oscar: You need those things. Most new businesses, they don't make a profit till at least two years. And then your margins will be razor-thin. Best-case scenario, you don't cut yourself a salary for at least 5 years. Can you go five years without a salary, Michael?
Michael Scott: Okay.
Oscar: Five years?
Michael Scott: Okay. You already have the job. You don't have to convince me.
Oscar: It's just not prudent, Michael.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I always thought Michael got a bad rap. He's a good guy, and he's super funny. Yeah, maybe I should tell him before he goes. He's all the way over there.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Michael, wait! I'm coming with you.
Michael Scott: You are?
Pam: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Okay. It's gonna be great.
Pam: Great. Uh. Except I don't want to be a receptionist anymore.
Michael Scott: Right. Executive assistant.
Pam: Salesman.
Michael Scott: All right. Okay. Deal.
Pam: Deal.

Quote from Pam

Pam: He finally has a story we really want to hear. And he knows it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, hey. What is this about?
Andy: Um, you know, 'cause you're leaving and everything. It's a farewell. So I hope I get to work with you some day again. Me, too.
Michael Scott: Is this wine?
Andy: Ah. Busted, yes.
Michael Scott: I already have wine.

Quote from Jim

[Overhearing monster noises coming over the P.A. system]
Jim: It's monster.com. Singular.
Michael Scott: Thank you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay. All right. Close your eyes.
Jim: I'd prefer not to.
Michael Scott: Just close your eyes.
Jim: Okay.
Michael Scott: [chuckling] I'm going to start my own paper company.
Jim: You're starting your own paper company. Why?
Michael Scott: 'Cause I know paper. I know everything there is to know about paper.
Jim: Do you know that the industry is in decline?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Oh, God, I practically invented decline, right? I know paper. I know how to manage. I have a name. Close your eyes.
Jim: No, I did that already. It added nothing.
Michael Scott: Just close 'em. All right, the "Michael Scott Paper Company." You want in? Do you want to be a part of this?
Jim: I am not gonna do this and you are not going to, either.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Listen, Michael. Have you really thought this through? 'Cause it's a pretty big risk.
Michael Scott: This is a dream that I have had since lunch, and I am not giving up on it now.
Pam: Yeah. You could give it up though, right? And almost no one would know.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Before you got here, I'm the one who landed all of these clients. Half of 'em, at least. I can do it again. I know the market. I know the price points. I'm on it. Don't worry. So how do I do that?
Pam: Well, you can scan it. And then you can upload the image, then you can copy-
Michael Scott: Could I take a piece of paper and just tape it with transparent tape?
Pam: Yeah. Good.
Michael Scott: Thank you very much.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: So that is why I have to leave at 5:00 on Tuesdays. It's to pick up my little sisters from school. We're really tight. We're like the Kardashians.
Charles: You know, you can run this stuff by Toby.
Kelly: Yeah. I don't like talking-

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: So you should be heading back to your desk.
Angela: Okay. Bye, Charles. Well, you'll let me know.
Kelly: [to Charles] She's such a special person. She's turning 50 this year.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: I'm starting my own paper company.
Andy: No way! In this climate?
Michael Scott: [scoffs] In all climates. It's going to be worldwide. And I'm looking for some talented salesmen to join me. That's where you come in.
Andy: [in a British accent] It's a very intriguing concept, isn't it? Um... Hmm... [to Dwight] Michael is starting his own paper company. What do you think about that? [Andy leaves]

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Your own paper company.
Michael Scott: Can you believe it? Well, we'll see, we'll see. It's just a, just a nugget of an idea right now so
Dwight K. Schrute: Right.
Michael Scott: Potential, lots of potential. yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: What a courageous venture.
Michael Scott: It's- It's very courageous, very exciting. Um...
Dwight K. Schrute: Location is hard for me, with the farm and the responsibilities...
Michael Scott: That's what I was thinking, with the farm, so... You getting to wherever I'm gonna put my thing.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. So yeah.
Michael Scott: So think about it. Lets put a pin in it for now.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know, I would love to put a pin in that.

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: Stanley?
Stanley: Can't you see I'm urinating?
Michael Scott: Listen, listen, Stan. You don't need to answer me now.
Stanley: No.
Michael Scott: Just- I want you to think about it. I am starting my own company.
Stanley: No.
Michael Scott: You're not letting me finish, and you just lost out on $1 million.
Stanley: No, I didn't.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I did it. I learned everything about this machine. I know all the buttons, even the inside ones. I know all the error messages. I could do a bound book in plastic with offset colors. Which feels... [silence]

Quote from Michael Scott

Charles: Michael, I can't pretend I haven't seen that. So I'm gonna ask you to stand up, walk out, and you can't take anything.
Michael Scott: Okay. I have immunity. It's my two weeks-
Charles: Not if you're starting a competing paper company, Michael. Hank.
Hank: Okay, Michael.
Michael Scott: You really think Hank is going to be loyal to you? Hank, please escort Charles from the building.
Hank: Come on, man, let's go.

Quote from Oscar

Andy: What is he doing? It looks like he's saying something.
Kevin: I think he's singing.
Oscar: I can't believe this is really happening.
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: And just like that, as mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone.

Quote from Phyllis

Andy: The whole office feels darker. You know? It's just a sad, dark day.
Phyllis: Andy, he's gone.
Andy: I know.
Phyllis: You don't have to kiss his ass anymore.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Michael?
Michael Scott: Ssh. Ssh. Don't look down. Look straight up.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Angela, Kevin, help me out. I need a few things. Then I'll be gone.
Kevin: Michael, why is it that you asked everyone except me, Angela, Creed and Meredith?
Michael Scott: I was going to. I wanted to, but I had to start somewhere.
Kevin: And you didn't want to start with us?
Michael Scott: No. Of course not. But now I want everybody.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Buddy. Buddy. Jimbo. Did you have time to think about my offer?
Jim: I did have a chance to think about it, but then I thought about something else.
Michael Scott: So which way are you leaning?
Jim: Well, it is tempting, but I am 100% leaning towards passing.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay. We don't have much time. Just act normal. Don't look at me. Stop. Don't look down. He's gonna see me. Not all the way up. Keep 'em at a normal height, OK? This is not Michael Scott talking right now. This is your future. Hello, I am your future. You are older and you are very happy now because you went with Michael Scott, right? So everybody, come on down, and let's just crawl out of here together. All right? Come on. Are you doing your best here? Are you being the best that you can be? Everybody who's gonna go with me, I want you to stomp your foot. Okay. All right. Come on. You're coming with me. Come on, Phyllis. Here we go. Here we go.

Quote from Michael Scott

Charles: What are you doing?
Michael Scott: I think maybe Hank should be here.
Charles: Hank? No, I don't need Hank, Michael.
Michael Scott: You're gonna mess with me? I'll tell you something, Charles. I don't even care because I've got nothing to lose. Oh, my God. Oh God! No! No! All right. It's not worth it.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Oh, no.
Jim: What?
Pam: I'm going with him.
Jim: What? Pam!
Pam: I'm going.
Jim: Pam, you can't be serious.

Quote from Kevin

Charles: So we had a personnel change today. Shouldn't affect our day-to-day, but until we get a new receptionist, I want Kevin on the phones.
Kevin: Phones?
Charles: Also, there's been way too much wasting time. So Stanley I want you on top of that. Okay, I want you to be my productivity czar. Okay, good. Okay, that's it on my list. So, no excuses, guys. Let's get going, OK?
[Everyone gets up and leaves, except Kevin and Stanley]


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