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34Quotes from ‘Email Surveillance’

The Office: Email Surveillance

209. Email Surveillance

Aired November 22, 2005

When Michael reads his employees' emails, he discovers that Jim is hosting a party to which he was not invited. While they employees head to Jim's house, Michael gets into trouble at an improv class.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Detective Michael Scarn! I'm with the FBI!
[to camera:]
Michael Scott: Think about this. What is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies or in real life? Somebody has a gun. That's why I always start with a gun. Because you can't top it. You just can't.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory.

Quote from Jim

Jim: It's true, I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, karaoke machine and I didn't invite Michael. So, three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal. I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, you know, have fun. And my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. He is very real.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Look, Michael, I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over.
Michael Scott: Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, okay? I'm in the best shape of my life. Look at this.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm-
Michael Scott: I'm not going to get-
Dwight K. Schrute: Or hit by a car or a bus or a train.
Michael Scott: Stop.
Dwight K. Schrute: You could get poisoned, fall down a well, step on a mine, choke.
Michael Scott: I'm not- Okay, if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, okay? Why don't you just go away?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The problem is that when people hear the term "Big Brother," they immediately think it's scary or bad. But I don't. I think, "Wow, I love my big brother."

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There is always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly. It's the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I'm very approachable as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler.

Quote from Michael Scott

Woman: [Southern accent] I'm supposed to meet my doctor here. Have you seen him? He's a very angry midget.
Michael Scott: Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon, FBI! You know what you did. Yeah, you thought you could get away with your little ruse, didn't you? Didn't you? Well, you didn't, because I know where you hid the diamonds. I've been onto you and your little friends for weeks. Boom! Boom! Boom!
Man: I'm not even in the scene!
Michael Scott: Boom! Boom! Boom!
Improv coach: Stop! Stop! Stop! Okay. You shot me, okay, great. Stop.
Michael Scott: Okay. What? Why?
Improv coach: You can't just shoot everyone in the scene.
Michael Scott: Well, if you hadn't stopped the scene you would have seen where it was going.
Improv coach: Okay, what about the scene they set up?
Michael Scott: Boring.
Improv coach: No, it wasn't. No more guns.
Michael Scott: It could've-
Improv coach: No, no, Michael. Why don't you give me all the guns you have? Just get rid of all your guns and give them to me. Great. Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Improv coach: Do you want to go over the rules one more time?
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no! I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune.
Bill: I promise it's worth it. Ooh, I can see you walking out of here and you're thrilled with your reading.
Michael Scott: What are you- [whispering to Bill]
Improv coach: Michael, what did you tell him?
Michael Scott: Nothing.
Improv coach: Then why are his hands up? Bill?
Bill: He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.
Improv coach: [sighs] Okay, let's call it a day.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees.His salary, that would depress them. His bed. And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails.

Quote from Stanley

Oscar: Actually, we just got a memo from IT saying you're doing e-mail surveillance.
Michael Scott: Oh, what? No, that defeats the whole purpose.
Dwight K. Schrute: So it's true? You have access to our e-mails?
Michael Scott: You know what the problem is?
Stanley: I think I do.

Quote from Pam

Pam: It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's going to be really gross, but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead. So if you guys see anything...

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Hey, Dwight? My friend is kind of into these two girls that he works with.
Dwight K. Schrute: Nice.
Pam: One is tall and brunette, and the other one is short and blond and perky and kind of judgmental. Who do you think he should choose?
Dwight K. Schrute: Does he have access to their medical records?
Pam: Um...

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: Are you going to eat with us?
Michael Scott: Of course. Hanging with my crew, crew that I am one of. Hanging with my cup of noodles. This is a meal in a cup. Right here. Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody would go, the athletes, the nerds, professors.
Pam: The professors would go to the parties?
Michael Scott: Yeah. They were the most fun. We always invited them.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Jim. You really think this is a good idea? A hide-a-key rock?
Mark: Hey, you must be Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't work with us.
Jim: That's because Mark's my roommate.
Mark: Hey, I love the Birkenstocks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car for special occasions.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Jim's bedroom.
Jim: See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour.
Pam: It's- Cool. This is your desk?
Jim: This is my desk.
Pam: Your home office?
Jim: Home office. This is it.
Pam: Yeah. You have to sit down, so I can get the full effect.
Jim: Okay, sure. Will do.
Pam: Okay, wait. So that would make me, like, right here.
Jim: Yeah, yeah, that feels about right.
Pam: And then, Dwight would be, like-
Jim: You know what? Let's just leave that image out of it, because this is a happy place. Happy thoughts, Pam, happy thoughts.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Talk! Just talk! I Shut up! [to camera:] Funny story. The way I got into improv was- I got into improv- The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says, "Hey you're funny. You're the funniest guy I've ever seen, or my name is not Dale Earnhardt." And that was an improv. The real way was that I found a flier.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So how do you search?
Sadiq: By keyword phrase.
Michael Scott: Try "profits." No, try "Michael Scott." "Michael," "boss" and "funny." Oh, my God. Wow! E-mail from Stanley. Stanley, terribly nice guy. "Sorry I didn't write back sooner. I can't go to the game tonight because my boss, Michael, is an ass and making me stay late." Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: Hey, what's the deal, Michael? Why are you spying on our computers?
Michael Scott: Oh, no! Everybody, Oscar's gone crazy. What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I'm a robot? I will destroy everything in my path.
Oscar: Actually, we just-
Michael Scott: [robotic voice]
Oscar: Actually- Okay.
Michael Scott: Oil can. Oil can. Tin Man.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I gotta erase a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Meredith has an evite from Jim. Barbeque at Jim's tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my evitation is. Click on guest list. Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed. Must be... No.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, Pam. Do you need me to walk you to your vehicular transport?
Pam: No, thanks.
Michael Scott: All right. Oscar, got big plans tonight?
Oscar: I'm on a call.
Michael Scott: Okay. Kevin. Big man, big man, what are you doing tonight? Where are you off to?
Kevin: My brother is in town and we are going to see the Alaska Film Festival at the-
Michael Scott: Okay, all right. Hey, Angela. Rushie, rushie! Where're you rushing off to?
Angela: I'm just leaving for the day.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, duh! Where're you headed?
Angela: Charity bake drive.
Michael Scott: Liar! You are a liar.
Angela: No. No, I'm not!
Michael Scott: [sighing] Dwight! Oh, Dwight, my loyal compadre. You and I are hanging tonight. The two of us. We are celebrating our freedom and our manhood. You know what? Why don't we watch that show that you've been wanting to watch? That stupid Battleship Galaxy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Battlestar Galactica.
Michael Scott: That's- Whatever stupid show you want to watch, we're watching it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I can't tonight. Unfortunately, I've got plans. I have to go to practice. Soccer practice.
Michael Scott: I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Clarinet.
Michael Scott: You, too, Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Have fun tonight, whatever it is that you're doing, and I'll see you Monday. [whispering to camera:] He has no idea.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Quick announcement, everybody, if I could have everybody's attention.We do have wine in the kitchen and there is beer available on the porch. And despite what you might think it's not all for Meredith and Kelly. So please enjoy.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Well, the group tour is now leaving then. Ladies and gentlemen, just a few things that we're going to be pointing out to you today. You will be able to see both bedrooms and if we're lucky, maybe you get a chance to peek into the bathroom, who knows? I have to remind you also that flash photography is prohibited and, as much as you can, please refrain from touching things. I know you might want to.

Quote from Pam

Pam: [gasps] Yearbook.
Jim: Yeah, you don't have to- Oh, all right. Yes, that's not going to be awkward at all.
Pam: [laughs] Oh, no. Oh, yeah. You were so dorky.
Jim: Thank you.

Quote from Angela

Jim: Angela! Burger? Dog? Having fun?
Angela: I got sap on me.
Jim: Chicken, hotdog, burger.
Angela: I'm a vegetarian.
Jim: There is soda inside.
[Angela scoffs]

Quote from Kelly

Stanley: I didn't think the premium laser color-copy batch would sell as well as it did.
Oscar: It surprised us all. I'll tell you why, because-
Kelly: I'm sorry, guys. Can we please not talk about paper? There's gotta be something else that we could talk about.

Quote from Phyllis

Pam: Have you heard anything about any secret office romances or-
Phyllis: You tell me. You do mean you and Jim, right?
Pam: Oh, God.
Phyllis: I'm so sorry. I mean, I thought, you guys hang out all the time, and you're talking all the time- And I'm sorry. I-
Pam: Oh, it's okay, it's okay.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: [to Ryan] Not so fast, fire guy.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: [singing to karaoke machine] Here I go again on my own Going down the only road I've ever known.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Just because two people are hanging out, it doesn't mean that they're together. You know, like, people can just be friends. And I think that it was really unfair of us to assume that there was anything else going on.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: [singing tokaraoke machine] Just turn around now 'Cause you're not welcome anymore and I got all my-

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, this is a duet, so, [Islands in the Stream starts to play] I need somebody else. Pam, you wanna come up and sing this one? Need somebody else. Takers, please. [singing] Baby, when I met you there was peace unknown- Kelly? [singing] I tried to get you with a fine-tooth comb I was soft inside There was something going on- This is the part, it goes to the girl. [higher-pitch] You do something to me that I can't explain Hold me closer and I feel no pain Every beat of my heart We got something going on Tender love is blind
[Jim walks over to Michael and starts singing along]
Both: It requires a dedication All this love we feel needs no conversation Divided together Uh-huh Making love with each other Uh-huh
Michael Scott: We're making love!
Both: Islands in the stream that is what we are No one in between How can we be wrong Sail away with me...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.


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