Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Email Surveillance’ Quotes

The Office: Email Surveillance

209. Email Surveillance

Aired November 22, 2005

When Michael reads his employees' emails, he discovers that Jim is hosting a party to which he was not invited. While they employees head to Jim's house, Michael gets into trouble at an improv class.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Detective Michael Scarn! I'm with the FBI!
[to camera:]
Michael Scott: Think about this. What is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies or in real life? Somebody has a gun. That's why I always start with a gun. Because you can't top it. You just can't.

Rate

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory.

Quote from Jim

Jim: It's true, I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, karaoke machine and I didn't invite Michael. So, three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal. I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, you know, have fun. And my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. He is very real.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Look, Michael, I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over.
Michael Scott: Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, okay? I'm in the best shape of my life. Look at this.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm-
Michael Scott: I'm not going to get-
Dwight K. Schrute: Or hit by a car or a bus or a train.
Michael Scott: Stop.
Dwight K. Schrute: You could get poisoned, fall down a well, step on a mine, choke.
Michael Scott: I'm not- Okay, if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, okay? Why don't you just go away?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The problem is that when people hear the term "Big Brother," they immediately think it's scary or bad. But I don't. I think, "Wow, I love my big brother."

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There is always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly. It's the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I'm very approachable as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler.

Quote from Michael Scott

Woman: [Southern accent] I'm supposed to meet my doctor here. Have you seen him? He's a very angry midget.
Michael Scott: Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon, FBI! You know what you did. Yeah, you thought you could get away with your little ruse, didn't you? Didn't you? Well, you didn't, because I know where you hid the diamonds. I've been onto you and your little friends for weeks. Boom! Boom! Boom!
Man: I'm not even in the scene!
Michael Scott: Boom! Boom! Boom!
Improv coach: Stop! Stop! Stop! Okay. You shot me, okay, great. Stop.
Michael Scott: Okay. What? Why?
Improv coach: You can't just shoot everyone in the scene.
Michael Scott: Well, if you hadn't stopped the scene you would have seen where it was going.
Improv coach: Okay, what about the scene they set up?
Michael Scott: Boring.
Improv coach: No, it wasn't. No more guns.
Michael Scott: It could've-
Improv coach: No, no, Michael. Why don't you give me all the guns you have? Just get rid of all your guns and give them to me. Great. Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Improv coach: Do you want to go over the rules one more time?
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no! I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune.
Bill: I promise it's worth it. Ooh, I can see you walking out of here and you're thrilled with your reading.
Michael Scott: What are you- [whispering to Bill]
Improv coach: Michael, what did you tell him?
Michael Scott: Nothing.
Improv coach: Then why are his hands up? Bill?
Bill: He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.
Improv coach: [sighs] Okay, let's call it a day.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees.His salary, that would depress them. His bed. And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails.

Quote from Stanley

Oscar: Actually, we just got a memo from IT saying you're doing e-mail surveillance.
Michael Scott: Oh, what? No, that defeats the whole purpose.
Dwight K. Schrute: So it's true? You have access to our e-mails?
Michael Scott: You know what the problem is?
Stanley: I think I do.

Quote from Pam

Pam: It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's going to be really gross, but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead. So if you guys see anything...

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Hey, Dwight? My friend is kind of into these two girls that he works with.
Dwight K. Schrute: Nice.
Pam: One is tall and brunette, and the other one is short and blond and perky and kind of judgmental. Who do you think he should choose?
Dwight K. Schrute: Does he have access to their medical records?
Pam: Um...

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: Are you going to eat with us?
Michael Scott: Of course. Hanging with my crew, crew that I am one of. Hanging with my cup of noodles. This is a meal in a cup. Right here. Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody would go, the athletes, the nerds, professors.
Pam: The professors would go to the parties?
Michael Scott: Yeah. They were the most fun. We always invited them.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Jim. You really think this is a good idea? A hide-a-key rock?
Mark: Hey, you must be Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't work with us.
Jim: That's because Mark's my roommate.
Mark: Hey, I love the Birkenstocks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car for special occasions.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Jim's bedroom.
Jim: See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour.
Pam: It's- Cool. This is your desk?
Jim: This is my desk.
Pam: Your home office?
Jim: Home office. This is it.
Pam: Yeah. You have to sit down, so I can get the full effect.
Jim: Okay, sure. Will do.
Pam: Okay, wait. So that would make me, like, right here.
Jim: Yeah, yeah, that feels about right.
Pam: And then, Dwight would be, like-
Jim: You know what? Let's just leave that image out of it, because this is a happy place. Happy thoughts, Pam, happy thoughts.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Talk! Just talk! I Shut up! [to camera:] Funny story. The way I got into improv was- I got into improv- The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says, "Hey you're funny. You're the funniest guy I've ever seen, or my name is not Dale Earnhardt." And that was an improv. The real way was that I found a flier.


 Episode 208 Episode 210 
  Select another episode