Michael Scott: Detective Michael Scarn! I'm with the FBI!
[to camera:]
Michael Scott: Think about this. What is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies or in real life? Somebody has a gun. That's why I always start with a gun. Because you can't top it. You just can't.

Dwight K. Schrute: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory.

Jim: It's true, I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, karaoke machine and I didn't invite Michael. So, three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal. I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, you know, have fun. And my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. He is very real.

Dwight K. Schrute: Look, Michael, I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over.
Michael Scott: Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, okay? I'm in the best shape of my life. Look at this.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm-
Michael Scott: I'm not going to get-
Dwight K. Schrute: Or hit by a car or a bus or a train.
Michael Scott: Stop.
Dwight K. Schrute: You could get poisoned, fall down a well, step on a mine, choke.
Michael Scott: I'm not- Okay, if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, okay? Why don't you just go away?

Michael Scott: The problem is that when people hear the term "Big Brother," they immediately think it's scary or bad. But I don't. I think, "Wow, I love my big brother."

Michael Scott: There is always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly. It's the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I'm very approachable as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler.

Woman: [Southern accent] I'm supposed to meet my doctor here. Have you seen him? He's a very angry midget.
Michael Scott: Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon, FBI! You know what you did. Yeah, you thought you could get away with your little ruse, didn't you? Didn't you? Well, you didn't, because I know where you hid the diamonds. I've been onto you and your little friends for weeks. Boom! Boom! Boom!
Man: I'm not even in the scene!
Michael Scott: Boom! Boom! Boom!
Improv coach: Stop! Stop! Stop! Okay. You shot me, okay, great. Stop.
Michael Scott: Okay. What? Why?
Improv coach: You can't just shoot everyone in the scene.
Michael Scott: Well, if you hadn't stopped the scene you would have seen where it was going.
Improv coach: Okay, what about the scene they set up?
Michael Scott: Boring.
Improv coach: No, it wasn't. No more guns.
Michael Scott: It could've-
Improv coach: No, no, Michael. Why don't you give me all the guns you have? Just get rid of all your guns and give them to me. Great. Okay.

Improv coach: Do you want to go over the rules one more time?
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no! I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune.
Bill: I promise it's worth it. Ooh, I can see you walking out of here and you're thrilled with your reading.
Michael Scott: What are you- [whispering to Bill]
Improv coach: Michael, what did you tell him?
Michael Scott: Nothing.
Improv coach: Then why are his hands up? Bill?
Bill: He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.
Improv coach: [sighs] Okay, let's call it a day.

Michael Scott: There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed. And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails.

Oscar: Actually, we just got a memo from IT saying you're doing e-mail surveillance.
Michael Scott: Oh, what? No, that defeats the whole purpose.
Dwight K. Schrute: So it's true? You have access to our e-mails?
Michael Scott: You know what the problem is?
Stanley: I think I do.