Pam: We can't let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes. He was awful to us. And, he still is. How much is a cupcake? $2.50? Is that the price of our dignity?
Creed: $3.75 a cupcake, actually. $3.67 if you buy a dozen.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: I never forget a number. Names? In one ear and out the other. Places? Nope. Faces? That's rich. But, numbers? I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant.

Creed: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.

Creed: In the parking lot today there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high-wire, a lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator; a strong man crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company.

Creed: This airs tonight? Oh, my God. If my parents see this, I am toast.

Creed: [on cell phone] Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production of Sweeney Todd, the real terror comes from the vocal performances. New paragraph.

Creed: I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.

Phyllis: Guys, we can't let Dwight blow this. An account this size could double our growth. That means raises, bonuses... Pizza Friday could come back.
Meredith: Hey, remember that week in the 90's when we got bagels?
Creed: I miss Clinton.

Creed: I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A, baby. And as backup I have a Swiss passport.

Creed: I wanna work with, uh, Jimmy Carter and help build gnomes.

Creed: The Taliban is the worst. Great heroin, though.