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35Quotes from ‘Diversity Day’

The Office: Diversity Day

102. Diversity Day

Aired March 29, 2005

Michael's reenactment of a Chris Rock routine leads Corporate to mandate a racial sensitivity seminar.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, well, since I am leading this, let's get down to business and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, okay? Um. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and [accent] Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian.
Oscar: What part Native American?
Michael Scott: Two fifteenths.
Oscar: That fraction doesn't make any sense.
Michael Scott: Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about. The suffering.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Do you really have to do that right now?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, I do. I should have done this weeks ago, actually.
Jim: Mr. Decker, I'm sorry about that. What were you... Can you hold on one second? Yeah, just one second. Thanks.
[Jim turns off the power for Dwight's shredder]
Jim: Hello? Oh, that's it. Perfect. So what I was saying...
[Dwight pushes the switch hook on Jim's telephone]
Jim: Hello? [dial tone] Thanks, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Retaliation. Tit for tit.
Jim: That is not the expression.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, it should be. [shredder starts whirring again]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Mr. Brown: Now, at the start of the session, I had you write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace. I'm going to choose one and we'll act it out.
Dwight K. Schrute: A few of the ground rules? Just real quick.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey why don't you run it by me and I'll run it by him?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, can we steer away from gay people?
Mr. Brown: Um...
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm sorry. It's an orientation. It's not a race. Plus, a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, so... paradox.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Mr. Brown: Now, this is a simple acronym. HERO. At Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness.
Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me?
Mr. Brown: Yeah?
Dwight K. Schrute: But that's not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Well, great. What is a hero to you?
Dwight K. Schrute: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part-human and part-supernatural.
A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Okay, um, you're thinking of a superhero.
Dwight K. Schrute: We all have a hero in our heart.

Quote from Pam

Jim: Solitaire?
Pam: Yeah, Freecell.
Jim: Six on seven.
Pam: I know. I saw that.
Jim: So then, why didn't you do it?
Pam: I'm saving that cos I like it when the cards go T- ts-ts-tch-tch-tch.
Jim: Who doesn't love that?

Quote from Michael Scott

Mr. Brown: Thanks for filling these out and I promise this'll be quick. At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance.
Michael Scott: You know what? This is a color-free zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.
Mr. Brown: Er, see, this is what I'm talking about. We don't have to pretend we're color-blind.
Michael Scott: Exactly.
Mr. Brown: That's fighting ignorance with ignorance.
Michael Scott: With tolerance.
Mr. Brown: No. With more ignorance. Right. Exactly. Instead, we need to celebrate our diversity.
Michael Scott: Let's celebrate.
Mr. Brown: Okay.
Michael Scott: Celebrate good times. Come on! Let's celebrate diversity.

Quote from Michael Scott

Mr. Brown: Now, here's what we're going to do. I've noticed that-
Michael Scott: You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't we go around and everybody - everybody! - say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go.
Dwight K. Schrute: I have two. White and Indian.
Mr. Brown: Actually, I'd prefer not to start that way.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: "I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness-" Open-mindedness, is that even a word? "-into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck." [laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Diversity is the cornerstone of progress, as I've always said. But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape. [on tape:] Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace. [in person:] OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?
Jim: Uh, is that it?
Michael Scott: Uh, yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on.
Kelly: It was kind of hard to hear.
Michael Scott: Yes. That probably had something to do with the camera work.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I want you to take a card. Put it on your forehead. Don't look at the card. And I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and- Take a card, any card. Um. And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead, okay? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so I want you to really go for it, 'cause this is real. You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life. And I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get her done.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it but it's-

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just thought, "Too soon for Arabs." Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court.

Quote from Kevin

Michael Scott: I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown, if that was his real name. I mean, he had never met any of us before and here he was telling us how to do our thing. I just wanted- I just wanted to do it our way. You know? On our own. Man, I should have gotten some food.
Kevin: [in an Italian accent] Maybe some spagh-etti.
Michael Scott: OK, Kevin, you can take that off.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens, or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai.
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael Scott: What?
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael Scott: That doesn't really make sense. You don't call them collared people. That's offensive.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today is diversity day and someone's going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I've been pushing, that I've been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But- But I was going to, and I think it's important that we have this. I'm very, very excited.

Quote from Jim

Jim: This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there, for some reason. I'm not really sure why, but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. And this year I'm pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. I know. I'm getting cocky. Right.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, diversity, everybody, let's do it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It's diversity day, Jim. I wish every day was diversity day.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why don't we just defer to Mr-
Mr. Brown: Mr. Brown.
Michael Scott: Ah. Oh, right! Okay. First test. I will not call you that.
Mr. Brown: Well, it's my name. It's not a test.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: Basically, there are two types of black people and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people. See, every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess.
Michael Scott: Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's ruin- He's butchering it. Could you just let me- [as Chris Rock] Every time- Every time black people want to have a good time, some idiot ass-[beep] I take care of my kid!
Mr. Brown: Wait a second.
Michael Scott: They always want credit for something they supposed to do! What you want, a cookie?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I don't think I can sign this.
Mr. Brown: Well, I can't leave until you do.
Michael Scott: Well, okay. It says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so I could- You know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so- Pam! Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this?

Quote from Michael Scott

Mr. Brown: We both know that I'm here because of the comments that you made.
Michael Scott: Here's the thing. This office, I think is very advanced in terms of racial awareness and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. That's probably throwing you off a little.
Mr. Brown: It's not throwing me. I need your signature.
Michael Scott: Okay, well, I know. You told me that several times.
Mr. Brown: But you're not listening to me. Yours is the only signature I need.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Mr. Brown: Those are my instructions from the Corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. The only reason I made copies for everyone was so that you wouldn't be embarrassed.
Michael Scott: Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. And you don't.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: "I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart." [rips paper up] I do believe in that part of the pledge that I just read. But a pledge, come on. Who are we, the Girl Scouts? No. Look the guy, Mr.
Brown he got us halfway there. He got us talking. Well, no. I got us talking. He got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us. You call that diversity training? I don't. Were there any connections between any of us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? Where? No. Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart. Where was my Oprah moment? OK, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears.

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: We're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style, are we?
Michael Scott: Get out.
Toby: I'm sorry.
Michael Scott: No, this is not a joke. Okay? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kelly: Um, I have a customer meeting.
Michael Scott: Well, if you leave, we'll only have two left. Yes. Enjoy. Absolutely. Namaste.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oscar, right here. You're on.
Oscar: OK, Michael. Well, both my parents were born in Mexico. And they moved to the United States a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States.
Michael Scott: Wow.
Oscar: And my parents were Mexican.
Michael Scott: Wow. That is That is a great story. That's the American dream, right?
Oscar: Thank- Yeah.
Michael Scott: Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?
Oscar: Mexican isn't offensive.
Michael Scott: Well, it has certain connotations.
Oscar: Like what?
Michael Scott: Like... I don't- I don't know.

Quote from Michael Scott

Stanley: I admire your culture's success in America.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael Scott: Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on. Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on.
Stanley: Who am I supposed to be?
Michael Scott: No, that was inadvertent. We didn't actually plan that.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: "Lots of cultures eat rice". Doesn't help me. [to Pam] Um, shalom. I'd like to apply for a loan.
Pam: That's nice, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it quick.
Pam: Okay, I like your food.
Dwight K. Schrute: Outback steakhouse. [accent] I'm Australian, mate.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pam, come on. "I like your food." Come on. Stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, man, am I a woman?

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Hey. You wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin: You want to get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin: I think you do, mon.
Angela: Stop.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [in an exaggerated Indian accent] Kelly, how are you?
Kelly: I just had the longest meeting.
Michael Scott: Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi googi, only 99 cents plus tax. Try my googi googi. Try my googi googi. Try my googi googi. Try my-
[Kelly slaps Michael in the face]
Michael Scott: All right! All right! Yes! That was great. She gets it! Now she knows what it's like to be a minority.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Buena vista, Oscar.


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