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46Quotes from ‘Drug Testing’

The Office: Drug Testing

220. Drug Testing

Aired April 27, 2006

After Dwight finds a joint on company property, he leads an investigation to find the culprit. When Dwight's campaign leads to mandatory drug testing by Corporate, Michael feels the heat.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I like the people I work with, generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime, and I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [imitating Stanley] I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight K. Schrute: I would remember.
Jim: Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's not how it works.
Jim: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight K. Schrute: Knock it off, okay? I'm interviewing you.
Jim: No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name? Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little, my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot, but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. And I was shocked when I found out.

Quote from Jim

Oscar: So, Pam told me you do a great Stanley impression. I'd love to hear it.
Jim: [imitating Stanley] "Why do you keep cc-ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?"

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now, I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year, more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.
Stanley: Where did you get these facts?
Michael Scott: Are these facts scaring you or are they not?
Stanley: They are not.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings, call in a few favors, and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really?
Michael Scott: Yes, sir.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's fantastic. Because I've always felt that the security here sucked.
Michael Scott: So, you wanna...
Tate: "Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary volunteer corporal in charge of assisting all activities' security." Okay. Here's your badge.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you, Michael. Very nice, great. Can I have a gun?
Tate: No. I don't have a gun.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. I'll have to bring in my bo staff.
Tate: I don't think so.

Quote from Pam

Jim: [imitating Stanley] "I do not think that is funny."
Pam: "I do not think that is funny." Jinx. Buy me a Coke. No, no! No talking! [to camera] Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a Coke. Those are the rules of Jinx and they are unflinchingly rigid. "Sold out"? That has never happened in the history of Jinx. Sorry, it's not my problem.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of The Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
Stanley: No, I don't. And I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week, for the antioxidants.

Quote from Jim

Jim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot, which is unfortunate, because, as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Let's go over some of these symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like. Slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation.
Kevin: Hey.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Kelly: And the guys are saying, "Chug! Chug! Chug!" But I'm so small and all I had eaten that day was one of those Auntie Em pretzels from the food court. So I said, "Is it okay if I sip it?" And they said, "No." But Ryan seemed cool either way-
Dwight K. Schrute: Stop! This is not "Kelly Kapoor's Story Hour." Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is on the line! Now, I'm gonna ask you again, what time did you go home last night?
Kelly: Six.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
Ryan: I go to a lot of parties.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What's the hard way?
Dwight K. Schrute: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer - I know several - what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car and you will have to obey him.
Ryan: No, let's do it that way.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you're totally harshing the office mellow.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I can't stop this investigation. It is my job.
Jim: Whoa, you are a volunteer.
Dwight K. Schrute: I volunteered for this job.
Jim: And that's not the same.
Dwight K. Schrute: It is my duty-
Jim: Volunteer duty.
Dwight K. Schrute: -to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go, and then I will reveal what I know.
Michael Scott: [coughing] Narc!
Dwight K. Schrute: If you are attempting to compliment me, then you have done a very good job.
Michael Scott: I wasn't attempting to compliment you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, you have, because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Dude, where's my office? I totally lost it because I was half-baked, smoking doobies! Doobie Brothers. I was smoking doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!
Jim: Well, your office is behind you.
Michael Scott: Thanks. Munchies.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Have you ever taken any illegal drugs?
Oscar: No, I have not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?
Oscar: What are you implying?
Dwight K. Schrute: Have you ever pooped a balloon?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I don't wanna blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of, the chance to solve an actual crime.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Do you know what this is?
Phyllis: Yes, it's marijuana.
Dwight K. Schrute: How do you know that?
Phyllis: It's labeled.
Dwight K. Schrute: Damn it.

Quote from Creed

Creed: That is Northern Lights, Cannabis indica.
Dwight K. Schrute: [sighing] No. It's marijuana.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I had scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act, this beautiful girl sits down next to me. And I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened, but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said that it was clove cigarettes. And I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Okay, attention, everyone! The drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, you can't do that.
Michael Scott: I can do that. It is my office!
Dwight K. Schrute: No, you cannot. It has to be official and it has to be urine.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking besides Rogaine?
Kevin: I'm not taking Rogaine.
Dwight K. Schrute: Angela, what about you?
Angela: I don't take any prescription drugs.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're not on anything? [sighs] Good.

Quote from Pam

[Jim stands silently by as Kelly talks his head off]
Kelly: So, the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine. But I was so nervous. So this time, I wanted it to be special. So I bought a new dress! One of those kinds that's kind of low-cut at the top to show something. But not everything. I mean, not everything, Jim. I promise-
Pam: Hey, guys. What's going on?
[Jim looks pleadingly at Pam]
Kelly: Oh, we're just having the best conversation.
Pam: Okay, well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. But you know what? We have a few minutes, so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation.
Kelly: Oh, thanks. So, I was looking so hot-

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am ridiculously anti-drug. I am so anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion or testing of any kind.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Drugs ruin lives, people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong. Everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny. But just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight K. Schrute: Mine was green.
Linda: Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm all better.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I'd like a magazine.
Linda: We just need urine, sir.
Kevin: I'd still like one.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Dwight, well, I passed the test, thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's great.
Michael Scott: What's wrong? Where's your costume?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a uniform. And I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation.
Michael Scott: Why?
Dwight K. Schrute: I took an oath when I was sworn in. And I broke that oath today.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: How many orange traffic cones do you have?
Tate: Two.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, God.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Kevin Malone, you're next. Spit that out. Spit. Okay, come on. Let's go.
Jim: You look cute today, Dwight.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk, and he'll just be someone else. Like, he'll go... [doe-eyed look] That's supposed to be Phyllis. I can't do it as good as he can.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oscar visited Mexico, when he was five, to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I know you're innocent, but it can't look like I'm treating you any differently.
Angela: I understand.
Dwight K. Schrute: [shouting] Where were you yesterday after work?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Uh-oh, uh-oh. Who's he calling? Ratting somebody out! Narc! Narc! Kevin.
Kevin: That is so good, Michael.
Michael Scott: Remember the narc bit?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about.
Phyllis: We don't feel that way.
Angela: No, not at all.
Oscar: You were the one joking around, calling Dwight a narc.
Michael Scott: No, no. That was a test. I was testing you. And you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, "Hey, you know what? He's right. What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs."
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you, Michael.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?
Toby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes, it is.
Toby: No, it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit or other flavors-
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, could you take this down? In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.
Toby: You can't do that.
Michael Scott: I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.
Toby: That's not random.
Michael Scott: Okay. Eenie, meenie, minie, moe, is random.

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam.
Pam: I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs.
Michael Scott: Really?
Pam: Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott: Jim, it's okay. You can- This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. It's okay. Just- We will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. [Jim stands up] Oh, he's doing it. Okay. It's okay. [Jim gets ready to talk, gets emotional and remains silent, then sits back down again]
Michael Scott: Okay, are you sure? That looked like it was gonna be good. All right. Okay, well...
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. I did not expect that.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The point I'm trying to make with all of this, people, is that I hate drugs. I hate them! And based upon what I have seen, you all don't quite hate them as much as I do. So, you are going to have a drug test and I am not.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, you will be tested.
Michael Scott: Yes, I will- Will not be.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, you will be. That is the law according to the rules.
Michael Scott: Okay, well, Dwight, just know that I've been very busy today and I've got a lot of work to do and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom and I don't even know if anything's gonna come out. Okay? So, good. Thank you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So, I need you to do some work on the Saint Andrews account. I need your urine, I need some filing done.
Dwight K. Schrute: What kind of filing?
Michael Scott: Just forget it. Just the urine.
Dwight K. Schrute: That goes directly to the tester.
Michael Scott: Just- I need your urine.
Dwight K. Schrute: Like in a cup?
Michael Scott: Yes, in a cup. We're not animals, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: For what purpose?
Michael Scott: It's none of your business.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then I refuse.
Michael Scott: Okay, all right, just I went to an Alicia Keys concert over the weekend. And I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: I need clean urine for the lady. [sighing]
Dwight K. Schrute: But that's illegal.
Michael Scott: Don't think of it that way. It's like urine goes all over the place. You know, there's no controlling it. It just-
Dwight K. Schrute: Not my urine.
Michael Scott: A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Dwight K. Schrute: I want him to have all the urine he needs.
Angela: You're not gonna get my permission on this.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know that. Don't you think I know that?

Quote from Ryan

Linda: Yeah, we do testing all over the country.
Ryan: Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring?
Linda: You want to work at the urinalysis lab?
Ryan: Yeah. Maybe.

Quote from Pam

Pam: What? Did you wanna tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Here. Just buy it from me. I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird. And I really wanna know what the hell's going on with Dwight.
[Jim hands Pam a dollar bill]
Jim: Hi.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: How much time do you have left on your break?
Pam: Ten minutes.


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