Dwight K. Schrute: I like the people I work with, generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime, and I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.

Jim: [imitating Stanley] I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.

Jim: I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight K. Schrute: I would remember.
Jim: Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's not how it works.
Jim: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight K. Schrute: Knock it off, okay? I'm interviewing you.
Jim: No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?

Oscar: So, Pam told me you do a great Stanley impression. I'd love to hear it.
Jim: [imitating Stanley] "Why do you keep cc-ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?"

Michael Scott: I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now, I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year, more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.
Stanley: Where did you get these facts?
Michael Scott: Are these facts scaring you or are they not?
Stanley: They are not.

Michael Scott: Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings, call in a few favors, and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really?
Michael Scott: Yes, sir.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's fantastic. Because I've always felt that the security here sucked.
Michael Scott: So, you wanna...
Tate: "Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary volunteer corporal in charge of assisting all activities' security." Okay. Here's your badge.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you, Michael. Very nice, great. Can I have a gun?
Tate: No. I don't have a gun.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. I'll have to bring in my bo staff.
Tate: I don't think so.

Dwight K. Schrute: My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name? Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little, my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot, but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. And I was shocked when I found out.

Jim: [imitating Stanley] "I do not think that is funny."
Pam: "I do not think that is funny." Jinx. Buy me a Coke. No, no! No talking! [to camera] Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a Coke. Those are the rules of Jinx and they are unflinchingly rigid. "Sold out"? That has never happened in the history of Jinx. Sorry, it's not my problem.

Jim: Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of The Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?

Michael Scott: Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
Stanley: No, I don't. And I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week, for the antioxidants.